Need A Laugh

[Marilyn. 340]

Have you ever wondered how these guys would look with facial hair.....

[Marilyn. 340]

*****************************************

Word Scrambles

GEORGE BUSH : When you rearrange the letters : HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY : : DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST : : EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN : : BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION : : A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE : : HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES : : CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY : : IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW : : WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS : : ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT : : I ' M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES : : THAT ####### SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO : : TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the! Grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[boboroad 0]

REDNECK ALARM

Some of us spend so much time on the range, we cant afford the $35.00 per month for an alarm system, here is the solution!

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of used men's work boots - a really big pair. Make them all muddy.

Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. place a couple spent 12 gauge shells next to that.

Put a dog dish beside it - a really big dog dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says:

"Bubba - Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition there is a sale at Gander mountain!- back in an hour. Don't disturb the pit-bulls; they've just been de-wormed and they aint too happy."

[Marilyn. 340]

[JaJo 1]

=: Lessons in Logic :=

I was born intelligent --

Education ruined me.

...............................

Practice makes perfect...

But nobody's perfect...

So why practice?

...............................

If it's true that we are here to help others,

Then what exactly are the others here for?

...............................

Since light travels faster than sound,

People appear bright until you hear them speak.

...............................

Money is not everything...

There's Mastercard and Visa.

...............................

If your father is a poor man,

It is your fate but,

If your father-in-law is a poor man,

It's your stupidity.

...............................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two women.

...............................

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

...............................

The wise never marry.

And when they marry they become otherwise.

...............................

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

...............................

Never put off the work till tomorrow

What you can put off today.

...............................

Your future depends on your dreams...

So go to sleep.

...............................

There should be a better way to start a day...

Than waking up every morning.

...............................

Hard work never killed anybody...

But why take the risk?

...............................

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours.

...............................

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

...............................

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So... Why learn?

...............................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station...

What more can I say...

[Marilyn. 340]

Some silly book titles

"The invisible man"

By Peter Out.

" How to be taller"

by Stan Dupp

"How to be shorter"

by Neil Down

"A terrible nightmare"

By Gladys Over

"Swimming the English Channel"

by Frances Neer

" The mad cat "

By Claud Boddy

"Explosives for begginners"

By Dinah Might

"Jail break"

By Freida prizner

"The Arctic Ocean"

By I.C. Waters

[JaJo 1]

Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

It's okay to have nothing to say... unless you're talking.

Should we call real life the Outernet?

The only thing a man's good for, he's not very good at.

Harp: A nude Steinway.

They say dollar bills carry germs on them. Even a germ couldn't live on a dollar these days.

There are three stages of men's hair: parted, unparted and departed.

If you can't see the bright side of life, there's nothing to do but keep polishing the dull side.

Did you ever notice how the word "marriage" is one vocal inflection away from mirage?

Nature does her best to teach us. The more we overeat, the harder she makes it for us to get close to the table.

One very fine thing about real life, it gets my mind off all that suffering on television.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.

If you want a spouse who is smart, rich and devoted, you're gonna have to get married three times.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

There is only one thing worse then the flu season... the tax season. You can recover from the flu.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have.

[Marilyn. 340]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Edited November 3, 2006 by MarilynP

[anya-D 8]

what is WD-40?

[Marilyn. 340]

what is WD-40?

WD-40 is the trademark of a widely-used penetrating oil (cleaner, lubricant and anti-corrosive solution)

Definitions of WD-40 on the Web

Typical uses of WD-40 around the home include:

* Stopping squeaks in door hinges and generally freeing up simple mechanical items found around the house, such as door locks

* Loosening rusting components, such as nuts and screws, so they can be removed

* Spraying on hand tools prior to storage to protect against rust

* Cleaning objects affected by grease, caked-on dirt or adhesive residue (such as that left behind by sticky tape); however, its uses in this way are limited around the house because of its slightly unpleasant smell, which tends to linger

Typical use of WD-40 in automotive repair include:

* Driving moisture out of the high and low tension electrical components of a motor engine, so that it can start (particularly on cold days). E.g. cleaning and drying the inside of the cap of the ignition distributor.

* Loosening nuts and screws

* Cleaning car locks

* Cleaning rims. Note: WD-40 should not end up on the brake pads or brake disc.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WD-40

Edited November 3, 2006 by MarilynP

[anya-D 8]

Thanks a bunch MarilynP!

[Jamaica to CT 0]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

[Marilyn. 340]

Some Funny Pics.....

Ways to Ride a Bike

Mixmatched Movie Posters

Things That Make You Go Huh?!?

What Boy Bands Looked Like In The 60's

Redneck Hot Tub

Way Too Drunk

Edited November 4, 2006 by MarilynP

[JaJo 1]

=: Excuses :=

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

(I suspect this was NOT a Typo...)

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please escs John being absent on Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32. And also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloris from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

6. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

7. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

9. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

10. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

(This one might acually be legit!)

11. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because don't know what size she wear.

11. My daughater was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

(Don't you just love that one?)

12. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

13. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

14. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

15. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

16. Maryann was absent december 11-16 because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was

also sick, fever and sorethroat. Her brother had a lowgarde fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

And... the undisputed winner:

17. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

[Marilyn. 340]

HILLBILLY CHRISTMAS!

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they split your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Merry Christmas, buddy!"