Need A Laugh

[Savanphil 3]

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning, "need", And moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor And shouts, " What is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

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Bill was lonely. He decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, but he didn't fancy a cat or a dog. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, Bill finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box .

Bill took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer ?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box that said...........

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"I heard you the first time ! I'm putting my bl**dy shoes on !!"

[Savanphil 3]

There are two statues in a park...one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the female statue, "Would you like to do it again?" Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions.

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This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you ####### on its head!"

[Savanphil 3]

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Valentine's gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Valentine's Day to find this enclosed note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S ... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!)

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I jst told this to one to hubby it was too funny

Edited October 8, 2006 by Savanphil

[Savanphil 3]

A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the

ground and landed in a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by

and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen

bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began

to realize how warm it was. The dung was

actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm

and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the

pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story:

1) Not everyone who drops ####### on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of ####### is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep #######, keep your mouth shut.

words to live by

[JaJo 1]

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):

Nineteen year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought, because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor, because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge . She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000, plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case anyone else thought that's what cruise control meant.

[almaty 19]

good ones here

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

A SQUADDIE ducks as a Harrier jump jet screams feet above his head — during a terrifying game of “chicken”.

The daredevil stunt is the latest craze among thrill-seeking British troops in Afghanistan.

To beat the boredom of the desert, Our Boys challenge each other to remain standing in the path of £40million RAF warplanes flying just 15 FEET above the ground.

If they duck, they lose the game. And Top Gun pilots join in the fun by flying as low as they safely can.

The Sun has obtained electrifying video footage of the game — filmed at Kandahar air base recently as one of the Harriers took off on a sortie. A Scots serviceman stands with his back to the jump jet as it roars towards him at 200mph.

The soldier tries to stand his ground — but at the very last second he bottles it and throws himself down on all fours. An RAF source said: “It can get boring on long tours in the desert and the chicken games are a great way to get the blood pumping. There’s not been a bloke brave enough to stay on his feet yet.”

Top brass ordered an inquiry amid fears the prank might be a dangerous initiation ceremony. But no evidence was found of servicemen being coerced.

An MoD spokesman last night pledged to “have a word” with soldiers over the stunts.

link

Thirty undocumented workers were found in a vehicle that had been made up to look like a U.S. Border Patrol transport van, authorities said.

The vehicle was seized Wednesday near San Miguel on the Tohono O'odham Indian Reservation about 70 miles southwest of Tucson.

The van had horizontal green stripes along the sides, Border Patrol emblems on its doors and the words "Border Patrol" written across the rear.

Border Patrol agents assigned to the Casa Grande station came in contact with the van while responding to activity in the area.

After seeing the agents, the driver turned the van around and tried to return to Mexico.

Authorities said the male driver abandoned the van about 100 yards from the border and sprinted into Mexico, leaving behind the 30 illegal immigrants.

All 30 were taken to the law-enforcement center on the reservation and processed for illegally entering the United States.

link

[Carol&Marc 0]

I didnt go all the way thru all these!

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. It may even crash your system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Ban Hammer 13,336]

Can you pimp an inflatable sex doll?

South Korea's finest have a bit of poser on their hands: does the pimping of inflatable sex dolls breach the country's anti-prostitution laws?

We should explain that, according to news site Chosun.com, Korean punters have developed a taste for "doll experience rooms", paying 25,000 won per hour (a tad over 14 quid, by our reckoning) for use of bed, computer, and pneumatic hussy. The market for the latter apparently took off after the Special Law on Prostitution came into effect in 2004, banning the sale of real flesh for purposes of sexual gratification.

Chosun.com says that in the immediate aftermath of the prohibition, "certain motels were providing the dolls to customers to bridge the gap". So successful did this gap-plugging initiative prove that pretty soon dedicated sex doll establishments had begun to open for business, including at least four in the city of Suwon of which police take "a dim view".

Indeed, Gyeonggi Provincial Police confirmed: "We are currently looking into whether these businesses violate the law." One officer added: "Since the sex acts are occurring with a doll and not a human being, it is unclear whether the Special Law on Prostitution applies." ®

Bootnote

According to Chosun.com, air-filled strumpets are known in the West as "dirty wives". News to us, we must admit.

link

[Carol&Marc 0]

A man went to a doctor to have his pen#s enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's pen#s.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's pen#s crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?".

Suddenly the pen#s came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my a$$ can take another hard roll!"

[Marilyn. 340]

Internet Recovery Program

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book . If I still remember how. (note-I love to read & have discovered some of my fav authors come in e-book--whew I still get my net with my books)

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ...

And the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Edited October 16, 2006 by MarilynP

[Sheriff Uling 3]

MarilynP - You must be a comedic writer for Hollywood cuz I swear you keep me in stitches. Thanks a bunch! Cheers!!!

[Marilyn. 340]

MarilynP - You must be a comedic writer for Hollywood cuz I swear you keep me in stitches. Thanks a bunch! Cheers!!!

I can't take credit ... I just post stuff I find on my travels through the internet

[Marilyn. 340]

Don't Step On The Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Edited October 17, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

Future of cars!