Need A Laugh

[Peter Miami 0]

[Marilyn. 340]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything

they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in

my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the

moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up

sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse

order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy..................go git cha Momma...............

[*Robert* 2]

[ChasUK 0]

> The following are transcripts of actual exchanges between airline pilots

> and control towers from around the world:

>

> While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

> made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate

> female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

> "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie

> taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

> difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it

> right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now

> shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take

> forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell

> you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour

> and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I

> tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

> "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

> The ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal

> bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground

> controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was

> running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,

> "Wasn't I married to you once?"

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a

> three-sixty (do a complete circle), a move normally used to provide

> spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know

> it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this

> airplane?"

> Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four

> thousand dollars' worth."

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach

> speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at

> the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off

> Highway 101 and make a right at the lights to return to the airport."

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

> Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

> immediately!"

> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after

> we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

> runway."

> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7

> Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we

> copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot

> They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to

> get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement

> that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between

> Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird

> 206":

>

> Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the

> active runway."

> Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

> The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a

> stop.

> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

> Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate

> location now."

> Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to

> Frankfurt before?"

> Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of

> Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,

> one-o-clock, three miles, eastbound."

> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that

> Fokker in sight."

>

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>

> A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich

> overheard the following:

> Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

> Germany. Why must I speak English?"

> Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because old boy you lost

> the bloody war!

[Marilyn. 340]

A blonde walks by a travel agents and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special. $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the

$99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am."

He grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special.

She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for awhile before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise"?

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

**********************************************************

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[Marilyn. 340]

********************************************************

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, " I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "I made a promise and I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Marilyn. 340]

I saw this video a long time ago but it is sooo funny... It is some of the rejects from Dutch Idol singing at some sort of sporting event...

[Ban Hammer 13,634]

I saw this video a long time ago but it is sooo funny... It is some of the rejects from Dutch Idol singing at some sort of sporting event...

agreed

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Ok - another offering:-)

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow end of the all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/14th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and, within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ including the curtain rods.

I love a happy ending, don't you?

[Marilyn. 340]

Phoning Home

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"... Swimming pool? . . .

... Is this

974-486-5731?"

[Marilyn. 340]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled

out a cigarette from his jeans & searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table & found a box of matches

sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation...

[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

Another Dating on Demand Loser

Reporter Stripper

Arnold Impersonation

[JaJo 1]

Hospital Chart Bloopers

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[Savanphil 3]

A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I am only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?""

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a look and says, "Theres nothing wrong with them, sir"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful....But........Listen very, very carefully................

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?"