Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[garya505 2]

[one...two...tree 2,762]

So then, in your opinion, if one of the couple has assets or income considerably greater than the other, then it's opportunism at work, regardless of the age difference. Does this apply if the woman has more assets or income, or just the man?

To answer this post and Yodrak's, yes, I think it's exactly the same thing if it's a woman who's older. Some women in the ME/NA forum talk about their husbands/fiances like sons. It creeps me out. If I were "Mommy" in a relationship, well... oh goodness, it just wouldn't happen. I might think "I've still got it" if a younger guy checked me out in public, or if someone flirted with me, but I probably wouldn't act on it. But that totally depends. Look at KarenCee, who is clearly not being taken advantage of by her younger husband. Looks like real love to me.

Then look at my grandma, who thought "I've still got it" when a 35-year-old Albanian immigrant to Greece (she lives in Athens) moved in and claimed to be in love with her. Then he took all her money and ran.

Age is just a number, and a healthy kind of relationship can only happen if both parties feel like equals. Do most May-December relationships include the kind of equality that May-May or December-December relationships do? Maybe not.

But listen--I am not saying that all May-December relationships are based on the younger party taking advantage of the older. I am saying it happens, and often.

I agree.

I'm struggling with the equality notion within a relationship - how can one truly have equality? For example, does it automatically put the woman at a disadvantage if her husband makes considerably more money than she does? Or if she chooses to set aside her career to raise children? I'm thinking more along the lines of interdependency. If one party is completely dependent on the other person, whether it's emotional, financial, etc. then I can see how that can influence the person's decision making about the relationship. However, being interdependent is essential to the relationship.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[Alex+R 0]

Some women have a prejudice against the younger woman / older man type of relationship. They automatically suspect the younger wmoan's motives based on their own values.

Because THEY wouldn't do it, they don't think anyone should, and there could be a little jealousy invloved as well.

Without a doubt, I am not jealous of women dating men who are old enough to be their father. It's freaky.

ETA: I wouldn't know if she was with her husband anyway, since I'd automatically assume she was with her father. So I wouldn't suspect her motives.

If the two people treat each other like equals, fine. Even if the idea of sleeping with someone that much older grosses me out, it's not going to gross out everyone. Where I pass a little judgment is on people who specifically seek out a partner who is weaker or powerless, or who they believe to be less intelligent or mature. If you have ever thought "leave the major decisions to me" then that's you I'm talking about.

[arwensun1965 0]

Does it really matter how old a person is???? NO .......as long as the two people involved agree then the rest of the world can go to pot as far as im concerned. My husband taught me a life lesson yesterday, WE are on this earth only once and for a really short period of time, enjoy the time you have and sod everyone else.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

We had a toss down about this on the MENA board and, in response, I posted a thread asking how people would respond if the topic was about race dfferences rather than age differences. Some of us remember when it was acceptable to declare one's racism in public. It is no longer, but ageism is still acceptable.

If someone said, for example,

It really grosses me out to think of a black guy sleeping with a white girl.

I think if an Asian woman is with a white man, she's only after him for his money. Maybe not always, but it happens alot.

If I see a Hispanic man with a blonde woman, I assume he's her gardner.

Think about it.

Edited December 21, 2006 by szsz

[peezey 0]

Does it really matter how old a person is???? NO .......as long as the two people involved agree then the rest of the world can go to pot as far as im concerned. My husband taught me a life lesson yesterday, WE are on this earth only once and for a really short period of time, enjoy the time you have and sod everyone else.

Nope, it doesn't matter, but someone posed a question and now it's being discussed.

[peezey 0]

We had a toss down about this on the MENA board and, in response, I posted a thread asking how people would respond if the topic was about race dfferences rather than age differences. Some of us remember when it was acceptable to declare one's racism in public. It is no longer, but ageism is still acceptable.

If someone said, for example,

It really grosses me out to think of a black guy sleeping with a white girl.

I think if an Asian woman is with a white man, she's only after him for his money. Maybe not always, but it happens alot.

If I see a Hispanic man with a blonde woman, I assume he's her gardner.

Think about it.

Hilarious edit. Post what you want, people post far worse constantly. In fact, your edit just backs up your own prejudice against Hispanics as evidenced by your fervent posts any time illegal immigration is brought up.

[KarenCee 3]

Normally large age difference to me is when one is old enough to be the other's parent. So, 16 years and up I guess.

So then, if you had friends with say a 16 or 20 year age difference, how would you treat them? Would you say anything about it to them? If you have already done that, what was their reaction?

I didn't say I judged people for this, honestly, I don't know why my opinion about their relationship would matter to anyone. I certainly have opinions about certain marriages, but why would they care?

If a friend asked me what I thought prior to getting married, I would ask questions if they've thought it through, potential pit falls, etc. But again, it's not my decision.

Hmmm.....well. When you express your opinion, it will usually generate a response...good or bad. Let me add my opinion. I am older than my husband by 14 years. Also, to address a few of your "questions"....

Yes, my husband and I discussed our age difference. At length. Several times. We know the pros and cons of age gap marriages. He certainly didn't marry me for my money. Educators are some of the poorest paid professionals in this country. So, that blows one theory out of the water where Joel and me are concerned.

Potential pitfalls? What are you referring to? We haven't found any pitfalls to speak of, so I can't imagine what they would be in your mind. We know that I will grow older first, if that's the issue in your mind. I also know he could develop a life threatening disease and I would be the one to be his caregiver.

As far as one being old enough to be one's parent, thankfully that's just an opinion. Age is just a number. I didn't set out to find a man younger than me, it just happens that Joel *is* younger...chronologically. Emotionally and mentally we are on the same wavelength. Does that make me immature? I certainly hope not. I think it means we are on the same level of maturity...thereby making our relationship a successful one.

Any questions?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Why are you telling me this? You didn't ask my opinion, you aren't my friend, and I don't question your relationship. I don't know you, your husband, or anything about you. I am not curious about you, either.

I said "if I was asked...." which I didn't. Go forth and have your life, I am fully in favor of everyone doing what they want in their personal lives, as I've stated many times here and elsewhere.

then you shouldn't post an opinion such as yours on a PUBLIC forum. Surely you didn't think your post would go without response? If so then that is a very naive way of thinking.

I am telling you this since you brought it up. You are the one that posted the concerns. I was merely addressing them from *my* point of view. Personally I am glad you know nothing about me or my beloved husband. I am definately NOT curious about you either.

May I assume that your question is now answered?

[peezey 0]

Normally large age difference to me is when one is old enough to be the other's parent. So, 16 years and up I guess.

So then, if you had friends with say a 16 or 20 year age difference, how would you treat them? Would you say anything about it to them? If you have already done that, what was their reaction?

I didn't say I judged people for this, honestly, I don't know why my opinion about their relationship would matter to anyone. I certainly have opinions about certain marriages, but why would they care?

If a friend asked me what I thought prior to getting married, I would ask questions if they've thought it through, potential pit falls, etc. But again, it's not my decision.

Hmmm.....well. When you express your opinion, it will usually generate a response...good or bad. Let me add my opinion. I am older than my husband by 14 years. Also, to address a few of your "questions"....

Yes, my husband and I discussed our age difference. At length. Several times. We know the pros and cons of age gap marriages. He certainly didn't marry me for my money. Educators are some of the poorest paid professionals in this country. So, that blows one theory out of the water where Joel and me are concerned.

Potential pitfalls? What are you referring to? We haven't found any pitfalls to speak of, so I can't imagine what they would be in your mind. We know that I will grow older first, if that's the issue in your mind. I also know he could develop a life threatening disease and I would be the one to be his caregiver.

As far as one being old enough to be one's parent, thankfully that's just an opinion. Age is just a number. I didn't set out to find a man younger than me, it just happens that Joel *is* younger...chronologically. Emotionally and mentally we are on the same wavelength. Does that make me immature? I certainly hope not. I think it means we are on the same level of maturity...thereby making our relationship a successful one.

Any questions?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Why are you telling me this? You didn't ask my opinion, you aren't my friend, and I don't question your relationship. I don't know you, your husband, or anything about you. I am not curious about you, either.

I said "if I was asked...." which I didn't. Go forth and have your life, I am fully in favor of everyone doing what they want in their personal lives, as I've stated many times here and elsewhere.

then you shouldn't post an opinion such as yours on a PUBLIC forum. Surely you didn't think your post would go without response? If so then that is a very naive way of thinking.

I am telling you this since you brought it up. You are the one that posted the concerns. I was merely addressing them from *my* point of view. Personally I am glad you know nothing about me or my beloved husband. I am definately NOT curious about you either.

May I assume that your question is now answered?

You don't get it. I said I'd express my concerns to my FRIEND IF ASKED. There is no question for you to answer.

You can post your opinion all you want, my point is, you don't need to prove anything to anyone, especially not me.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Hilarious edit. Post what you want, people post far worse constantly. In fact, your edit just backs up your own prejudice against Hispanics as evidenced by your fervent posts any time illegal immigration is brought up.

I musta hit a nerve!

I edited it because I thought of something more concrete than what I had before. Nothing sinister about that.

I'm not prejudiced against Hispanics, and that edit demonstrating a hateful comment would hardly be proof of it if I was. I am prejudiced against illegal immigration by anyone. Living in Colorado, it is Latinos who make up the bulk of the illegals, and so that is what I address. I have nothing against legal Hispanics.

However, you attacked me for a reason and I suspect it has more to do with your own prejudices, displayed here, than with mine.

[ceriserose 1]

Sweetie, you've had more than enough popcorn. Try cookies.

To answer the question, we're both octagenarians. No problems here except some indigestion.

So was the original question asked to find some support on the subject, find those in a common situation, or stir up an argument (or a bit of each)?

And if it was the latter, why was the Instigator of the Post not consulted first? I think these young whippersnappers should definitely step into line a little better, don't you Tracy?

[KarenCee 3]

I had no idea I was trying to prove anything to anyone! Did I miss something?

[ceriserose 1]

I had no idea I was trying to prove anything to anyone! Did I miss something?

You're missing Tim's.

[peezey 0]

Hilarious edit. Post what you want, people post far worse constantly. In fact, your edit just backs up your own prejudice against Hispanics as evidenced by your fervent posts any time illegal immigration is brought up.

I musta hit a nerve!

I edited it because I thought of something more concrete than what I had before. Nothing sinister about that.

I'm not prejudiced against Hispanics, and that edit demonstrating a hateful comment would hardly be proof of it if I was. I am prejudiced against illegal immigration by anyone. Living in Colorado, it is Latinos who make up the bulk of the illegals, and so that is what I address. I have nothing against legal Hispanics.

However, you attacked me for a reason and I suspect it has more to do with your own prejudices, displayed here, than with mine.

Must we go round this again? It's so tiring. One more time, for old times' sake....I don't care who does what with whomever they want to do what with. I personally find large age gap relationships freaky. Why in hell does that have anything to do with racism or ageism? I am not persecuting you. You are free to do as you choose. I do not hold prejudice against OLDER PEOPLE (again, already discussed), which is ageism, it's the relationship I find freaky.

[Bosco 1]

We had a toss down about this on the MENA board and, in response, I posted a thread asking how people would respond if the topic was about race dfferences rather than age differences. Some of us remember when it was acceptable to declare one's racism in public. It is no longer, but ageism is still acceptable.

If someone said, for example,

It really grosses me out to think of a black guy sleeping with a white girl.

I think if an Asian woman is with a white man, she's only after him for his money. Maybe not always, but it happens alot.

If I see a Hispanic man with a blonde woman, I assume he's her gardner.

Think about it.

I think there is a difference between race and age - at least from my way of thinking.

A man 20 years younger than me is legally off limits, and would have been for all of my adult life. It would also be morally reprehensible for us to engage in a sexual relationship. In a few years, he would be legal - but - in my mind it would still be morally wrong to engage in a relationship with someone that much younger. Some magic switch doesn't go off in my mind that puts him suddenly in the eligible category just because there are no longer legal statutes in place.

I can see how with the more time this person would spend on the legal side of things, these feelings would begin to wane, but I don't think it is fair to say that a person who has doesn't like these relationships feels that way because they are an ageist. No generalizations are being made about the older or younger parties based on their age - the issue is grappling with when the immoral becomes moral. For some it coincides with when it becomes legal, but not for all of us.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Bosco