Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[Yodrak 7]

MarilynP,

It has everything to do with the topic and is easily a $20.

Yodrak

My grandpa was 18 years older then my grandma and they were married for over 50 years and were always madly in love with each other...

not sure if that has anything to do with the topic, I just wanted to add my 2 cents

[one...two...tree 2,762]

The reason they probably scrutinize more closely couples with large age differences is probably because it's against nature. Humans aren't wired to want to sleep with grandpa or grandma.

Not to say there aren't many perfectly happy and legitimate relationships of people with large age differences. It's just not as common to see someone 22 love someone 65 without ulterior motives.

Especially when they come from countries such as the Phillipines, Africa & South America do you not think?

Down here girls are conditioned to marry older guy in order to "accomplish" something in life...

We've had such traditions here in the states as well. When you have a society where a family's financial security depends primarily on the man, then it makes perfect sense. Since more women in this country are in the workforce and have comparible careers with men, it's less common that it once was.

Security to some woman is of the utmost importance, even here in the states today. A man's portfolio, job and car can be quite a love potion.

On the flip of this - my ex-wife didn't even have a high school diploma when we first married and she never got her college degree. We were on two different levels in terms of education and career goals, which was a constant problem in our relationship. Consequently, my relationships after my divorce have been with women who are more career oriented and educated. Am I being opportunistic or just sensible?

The difference is in what you have compared to what they have. If you chose women like that and you were 21 and broke with no education, that's opportunism.

I wouldn't call a man's portfolio, job and car a "love potion." No woman is going to love a man for it--but she might use him for it.

I agree...that's why I called it 'love potion' - real love doesn't come in an elixir. To some women, however, those things are important and they don't have to be poor or from a Third World country to be searching for financial security from a man. I don't agree with it, but it is reality. I see trophy wives everywhere here in Newport Beach. Are those types of relationships less valid than mine? I don't think I can make that judgment.

A lot of people DO make that judgment based on a couple's age difference or income difference. I guess that's what we call prejudice, based on knowing little about the relationship other than the couple's ages or incomes.

I can understand that, Gary. When I first told my parents that I was dating a woman from the Philippines, it stirred up inside them all those stereotypes. One of the first things I told them was that she is a dentist with her own practice to diffuse some of those ideas that they were entertaining, especially because she has a 5 yr. old son. I hated that, though - that I had to legitimize my relationship to my family. I actually stopped communicating with my parents for a couple of months after they both wrote me letters telling me to essentially 'forget the Philippines' and focus on my children (I'm a single parent). Things smoothed over between us but it wasn't until my parents actually met Jinky's 2 sisters and her parents in Ireland that they finally would ask me about Jinky. They were showing genuine interest in her.

I've surrendered to the idea that my parents are going to have the own pre-conceived ideas about things and I can't change them, but I knew they'd eventually come around. I can sense they are still unsure about the relationship - the idea that we could have a legitimate relationship over so much distance. One of the first things I'm going to do when Jinky is here is take a week's vacation and drive her to Arizona to meet my parents and brothers. Family is family.

[Mary Lou 681]

My parents had an 18yr age difference, my dad being the older one. They were happily married 51yrs. In fact my dad was 50yrs old when i was born I am 11 and a half yrs older then my hubby, age difference isnt an issue with us, we love each other and thats all that matters.

[garya505 2]

I can understand that, Gary. When I first told my parents that I was dating a woman from the Philippines, it stirred up inside them all those stereotypes. One of the first things I told them was that she is a dentist with her own practice to diffuse some of those ideas that they were entertaining, especially because she has a 5 yr. old son. I hated that, though - that I had to legitimize my relationship to my family. I actually stopped communicating with my parents for a couple of months after they both wrote me letters telling me to essentially 'forget the Philippines' and focus on my children (I'm a single parent). Things smoothed over between us but it wasn't until my parents actually met Jinky's 2 sisters and her parents in Ireland that they finally would ask me about Jinky. They were showing genuine interest in her.

I've surrendered to the idea that my parents are going to have the own pre-conceived ideas about things and I can't change them, but I knew they'd eventually come around. I can sense they are still unsure about the relationship - the idea that we could have a legitimate relationship over so much distance. One of the first things I'm going to do when Jinky is here is take a week's vacation and drive her to Arizona to meet my parents and brothers. Family is family.

My mother was totally accepting and non-judgemental, which was a pleasant surprize.

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

Comon Alex, all your doin is over analyzing the whole subject, Its all about enjoying each others company and living life.

Does this apply, in your opinion, to older women/younger men realtionships where the men come from a MENA country?

i don't see why it would not. why would it only apply to younger woman/older man?

[Marilyn. 340]

MarilynP,

It has everything to do with the topic and is easily a $20.

Yodrak

My grandpa was 18 years older then my grandma and they were married for over 50 years and were always madly in love with each other...

not sure if that has anything to do with the topic, I just wanted to add my 2 cents

to be honest I never really noticed the age difference between them...

my grandma always seemed like the more mature one though... my grandpa stayed a kid at heart...

[garya505 2]

Comon Alex, all your doin is over analyzing the whole subject, Its all about enjoying each others company and living life.

Does this apply, in your opinion, to older women/younger men realtionships where the men come from a MENA country?

i don't see why it would not. why would it only apply to younger woman/older man?

Some women have a prejudice against the younger woman / older man type of relationship. They automatically suspect the younger wmoan's motives based on their own values.

Because THEY wouldn't do it, they don't think anyone should, and there could be a little jealousy invloved as well.

[KarenCee 3]

Normally large age difference to me is when one is old enough to be the other's parent. So, 16 years and up I guess.

So then, if you had friends with say a 16 or 20 year age difference, how would you treat them? Would you say anything about it to them? If you have already done that, what was their reaction?

I didn't say I judged people for this, honestly, I don't know why my opinion about their relationship would matter to anyone. I certainly have opinions about certain marriages, but why would they care?

If a friend asked me what I thought prior to getting married, I would ask questions if they've thought it through, potential pit falls, etc. But again, it's not my decision.

Hmmm.....well. When you express your opinion, it will usually generate a response...good or bad. Let me add my opinion. I am older than my husband by 14 years. Also, to address a few of your "questions"....

Yes, my husband and I discussed our age difference. At length. Several times. We know the pros and cons of age gap marriages. He certainly didn't marry me for my money. Educators are some of the poorest paid professionals in this country. So, that blows one theory out of the water where Joel and me are concerned.

Potential pitfalls? What are you referring to? We haven't found any pitfalls to speak of, so I can't imagine what they would be in your mind. We know that I will grow older first, if that's the issue in your mind. I also know he could develop a life threatening disease and I would be the one to be his caregiver.

As far as one being old enough to be one's parent, thankfully that's just an opinion. Age is just a number. I didn't set out to find a man younger than me, it just happens that Joel *is* younger...chronologically. Emotionally and mentally we are on the same wavelength. Does that make me immature? I certainly hope not. I think it means we are on the same level of maturity...thereby making our relationship a successful one.

Any questions?

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Some women have a prejudice against the younger woman / older man type of relationship. They automatically suspect the younger wmoan's motives based on their own values.

Because THEY wouldn't do it, they don't think anyone should, and there could be a little jealousy invloved as well.

Women also express disdain for a woman being much older than the man she's with. Most women are critical, insecure, catty types anyway, in my opinion. That goes to how many tend to rely on older men for their security and see every man they go out with as a potential mate instead of just having fun.

If you rely on yourself, you tend to be less judgmental of others. However, one thing I've noticed is that women who are older then their SOs don't feel good enough about themselves to stand up for themselves when insulted about their age difference. Some of us have an unassertive tendency to shrug attacks off, go along to get along. We also don't stand up for each other re this issue. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect anyone to stand up for you.

There is also in operation the stereotype of the unattractive "grandma" and "grandpa" type older person, leading me to believe that some of the younger people who hold that view need to get out more.

[peezey 0]

Alex,

But you cannot be Daddy, so let's consider a possible scenario for you - Mommy. How do you imagine you might feel as a 40-something woman if a 20-something guy was interested in you? (Assuming that R was not in the picture for whatever reason, any reason.) Would that be gross? Or would you feel, 'hot damn - I've still got it'?

Yodrak

...... If I were Daddy (or, possibly, Grandpa) in the relationship, I would definitely question the motives of my ladyfriend. A lot. Many times.

You didn't ask me, but I'll say, yes, gross, or at the very least, terribly disturbing.

[peezey 0]

Normally large age difference to me is when one is old enough to be the other's parent. So, 16 years and up I guess.

So then, if you had friends with say a 16 or 20 year age difference, how would you treat them? Would you say anything about it to them? If you have already done that, what was their reaction?

I didn't say I judged people for this, honestly, I don't know why my opinion about their relationship would matter to anyone. I certainly have opinions about certain marriages, but why would they care?

If a friend asked me what I thought prior to getting married, I would ask questions if they've thought it through, potential pit falls, etc. But again, it's not my decision.

Hmmm.....well. When you express your opinion, it will usually generate a response...good or bad. Let me add my opinion. I am older than my husband by 14 years. Also, to address a few of your "questions"....

Yes, my husband and I discussed our age difference. At length. Several times. We know the pros and cons of age gap marriages. He certainly didn't marry me for my money. Educators are some of the poorest paid professionals in this country. So, that blows one theory out of the water where Joel and me are concerned.

Potential pitfalls? What are you referring to? We haven't found any pitfalls to speak of, so I can't imagine what they would be in your mind. We know that I will grow older first, if that's the issue in your mind. I also know he could develop a life threatening disease and I would be the one to be his caregiver.

As far as one being old enough to be one's parent, thankfully that's just an opinion. Age is just a number. I didn't set out to find a man younger than me, it just happens that Joel *is* younger...chronologically. Emotionally and mentally we are on the same wavelength. Does that make me immature? I certainly hope not. I think it means we are on the same level of maturity...thereby making our relationship a successful one.

Any questions?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Why are you telling me this? You didn't ask my opinion, you aren't my friend, and I don't question your relationship. I don't know you, your husband, or anything about you. I am not curious about you, either.

I said "if I was asked...." which I didn't. Go forth and have your life, I am fully in favor of everyone doing what they want in their personal lives, as I've stated many times here and elsewhere.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

actually a grandma here this topic has gone around so much. Guess im just destin to fail i am older American with a younger Moroccan (NOT) we get along fine actually never really had any problems with the age, we did discuss it several times, his family is fine my kids ask are u crazy but accept it. We thought the same thing, something with age may hit me sooner but whose to say something unexpeced wont hit him. Think by the time we reach this point in life who is really going to care what others think or say, not me. Age is only a number and becomes only important if u are a fine cheese

[Alex+R 0]

So then, in your opinion, if one of the couple has assets or income considerably greater than the other, then it's opportunism at work, regardless of the age difference. Does this apply if the woman has more assets or income, or just the man?

To answer this post and Yodrak's, yes, I think it's exactly the same thing if it's a woman who's older. Some women in the ME/NA forum talk about their husbands/fiances like sons. It creeps me out. If I were "Mommy" in a relationship, well... oh goodness, it just wouldn't happen. I might think "I've still got it" if a younger guy checked me out in public, or if someone flirted with me, but I probably wouldn't act on it. But that totally depends. Look at KarenCee, who is clearly not being taken advantage of by her younger husband. Looks like real love to me.

Then look at my grandma, who thought "I've still got it" when a 35-year-old Albanian immigrant to Greece (she lives in Athens) moved in and claimed to be in love with her. Then he took all her money and ran.

Age is just a number, and a healthy kind of relationship can only happen if both parties feel like equals. Do most May-December relationships include the kind of equality that May-May or December-December relationships do? Maybe not.

But listen--I am not saying that all May-December relationships are based on the younger party taking advantage of the older. I am saying it happens, and often.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Alex+R

[TracyTN 237]

Some women have a prejudice against the younger woman / older man type of relationship. They automatically suspect the younger wmoan's motives based on their own values.

Because THEY wouldn't do it, they don't think anyone should, and there could be a little jealousy invloved as well.

I'm sorry, but that's hilarious.

In younger women/older men relationships, its not the women's motives that I suspect, if I gave enough of a ####### to 'suspect' anything at all.

[peezey 0]

Some women have a prejudice against the younger woman / older man type of relationship. They automatically suspect the younger wmoan's motives based on their own values.

Because THEY wouldn't do it, they don't think anyone should, and there could be a little jealousy invloved as well.

Without a doubt, I am not jealous of women dating men who are old enough to be their father. It's freaky.

ETA: I wouldn't know if she was with her husband anyway, since I'd automatically assume she was with her father. So I wouldn't suspect her motives.

Edited December 21, 2006 by peezey