Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[Sofiyya 1,687]

mawilson,

I don't think it's gloomy. I do think there is a problem with very large differences, but it's not the problems that most people raise based on what their own ages are. To me the problem is that while the couple may be at a similar stage in their life cycle when the relationship begins, they are not going to stay in the same stage as time moves on.

A couple who is close in age will be at pretty much the same stage of their life cycles throughout most of their lives.

All other things being equal, which they are not. All people to not age and wear out at the same rate.

Yodrak

The divorce rate in the US is 50%, and few of those are age gap marriages. Most things are not equal.

szsz,

I think that our American society, as a whole, is biased towards the man being older than the woman in a relationship, but not to the extent that you seem to indicate. I don't think that in the USA it is "an act of rebellion" for a woman to be with a younger man, except perhaps in certain enclaves, it's just outside the norm, and it is acceptable despite being thought of as unusual.

I do think that there are societies, other than the USA, where you are quite right. Or perhaps more accurately re-phrased, it's an act of rebellion for a younger man to be with an older woman.

Yodrak

..... our society is so biased toward older men with younger women, it's an act of rebellion for a woman to be with a younger man. .....

If you're not an older woman with a much younger man, all you have is conjecture.

[Yodrak 7]

szsz,

I've got a little bit more than that - I do have a very close friend who is an older woman with a much younger man. We used to socialize quite frequently - every weekend - until I moved to a different state, and we still get together when the opportunity arises. She is my age and her live-in boyfriend is my wife's age.

Yodrak

szsz,

I think that our American society, as a whole, is biased towards the man being older than the woman in a relationship, but not to the extent that you seem to indicate. I don't think that in the USA it is "an act of rebellion" for a woman to be with a younger man, except perhaps in certain enclaves, it's just outside the norm, and it is acceptable despite being thought of as unusual.

I do think that there are societies, other than the USA, where you are quite right. Or perhaps more accurately re-phrased, it's an act of rebellion for a younger man to be with an older woman.

Yodrak

..... our society is so biased toward older men with younger women, it's an act of rebellion for a woman to be with a younger man. .....

If you're not an older woman with a much younger man, all you have is conjecture.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

szsz,

I've got a little bit more than that - I do have a very close friend who is an older woman with a much younger man. We used to socialize quite frequently - every weekend - until I moved to a different state, and we still get together when the opportunity arises. She is my age and her live-in boyfriend is my wife's age.

Yodrak

You're right. That is a little bit.

Some things you'd have to walk a mile in their moccasins to know.

Edited December 22, 2006 by szsz

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

I agree ..on what you have said here.. there will be a point where true love will come into play.. Will she stay until the end or leave when it's in sight ??

I guess the only thing we can hope for is that the love is strong enough that she would stay to help you pass.. and what you need to do ..is make sure you love her until then and show her the respect for the decision she made to be with you.. and to make sure there is something left for her when your gone.. Take care of her.. Because even if she feels the biggest love for you now.. if you treat her badly ..she won't be there.. because growing old is a slow process.. One day your 60 and the next your 75 isn't how it works...So there is going to be alot for her to endure..years..

I have gone over this with Veronica.. it's not like she doesn't know...... Only time will tell if our love will last a life time..

When i'm 75 she will be 57 ..this is funny... she was born in 75 and me 57 I guess this is a omen...

Well in the mean time... I need to take care of myself... Working out..like I do... eating right...and trying to keep the edge in my courst as long as possible.. Heck I've seen alot of very active 75 year olds... That guy on the Mt.Everest Series..was in his 60's if I remember right... got to the summit.... So there is alot of fun filled years left in us old geezers...

jenn,

Thanks, you give me an opening for another aspect of the age difference that doesn't get discussed much - where in the life cycle the people are. You're young, yes? I can understand your current tendancy. And I can understand that you would - and should - feel uncomfortable with certain large age differences (there have been some 20-something female school teachers who have gotten into trouble because they didn't have that uncomfortable feeling!).

But to stick to 'legal' ages, and the younger woman older man scenario, and let's use a 25 year age difference. There will be one dynamic when the woman is in her early 20s and the man is in his late 40s. She's likely to still be immature and developing as a person, he should be somewhat mature and have found himself.

If the relationship lasts, by the time the woman is mid-30s and the man is 60-ish the dynamic will have changed. They're both mature adults at this point, quite capable of sharing and enjoying a common lifestyle. (At this point age difference is all but meaningless, in my opinion.)

Move ahead another 15 years, and now we've got a 50 year-old woman with a 75 year-old man. She's still in her midlife prime, but he's well past it. If he's not going downhill yet, he very soon will be. The dynamic between the two will likely be much different now than it was when they started out.

I suspect that when you reach 50 you'll be feeling more on the assertive side than on the submissive side when with people who are older than you (while still giving all due respect that advanced age entitles people to).

The point being, where people are in their life cycle is as important, perhaps more important, than their age, and is as important in the interpersonal dynamic as is the age difference.

Yodrak

..... I think that a difference in ages affects the dynamics of any relationship, not just romantic ones. I tend to be more submissive around people who are older than me than I am with people my own age. Maybe that's something that not everyone feels.

[William33 110]

Age gaps are subjective. As we have seen, opinions clearly vary on this issue. In our case, the age gap is 10 years, 31 (my Wife) 41 (me).

I find that women are more mature than men, once the age of 25 is surpassed, perhaps even earlier than that.

Big credit to Yodrak, in pointing out that each half of a couple can complete the other, and vice-versa. Clearly the case on this end!!!

At the end of the day, who cares!! Life is short, make the best of it!

[kaydee457 13]

I see that one of my posts have been deleted.

I will say once again that many that contribute to this thread are bigoted. Bigotry takes many forms. There are people in this thread that are bigots.

Look up the defintion and you'll see what I mean.

P.S.

To the "moderator" that deleted my previous post- PM me.

Edited December 22, 2006 by kaydee457

[Jenn! 918]

I see that one of my posts have been deleted.

I will say once again that many that contribute to this thread are bigoted. Bigotry takes many forms. There are people in this thread that are bigots.

Look up the defintion and you'll see what I mean.

P.S.

To the "moderator" that deleted my previous post- PM me.

I missed this as it got posted accidentally in the wrong thread...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...st&p=630982

Kaydee,

Would you mind indicating which of my posts in this thread caused you to say that I am bigoted?

I would say it's not so much about the country itself, but more about the financial position of the beneficiary.

I am almost two years older than my husband. Some of my friends have made the "robbing the cradle" joke. But it doesn't bother me because I'm pretty sure they're just joking around.

I could see that if there were a struggle for power that might not be good for a relationship. But I've seen lots of couples with an inbalance of power. Many people seem to be perfectly content letting someone else take the reins.

I know you weren't asking me this, but I think that a difference in ages affects the dynamics of any relationship, not just romantic ones. I tend to be more submissive around people who are older than me than I am with people my own age. Maybe that's something that not everyone feels.

Edited December 22, 2006 by jenn3539

[doodlebug 3]

I just remembered that my brother is 18 years younger than his wife. They've been pretty happy for ten years, though she's in a wheel chair now and he has to make the decision soon about putting her in a home. It's so heartbreaking to watch, you know? I mean he's only 50 and doesn't need to live in an assisted living community but she has advanced MS and can barely walk now and really needs daily nursing care. I know that's an extreme situation and this could happen even when they are the same age but it is something to think of...when one is much older than the other spouse and one is still healthy and the other needs medical attention 24/7. Just breaks your heart but again, something to think of before hand and love does conquer all in the end.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I saw that too. While I agree that there are plenty of bigots re this issue, I wouldn't put jenn among them. I'd say that throughout all the discussions about it, and there have been some pretty nasty ones, she's tried to stay more neutral than not.

I see that one of my posts have been deleted.

I will say once again that many that contribute to this thread are bigoted. Bigotry takes many forms. There are people in this thread that are bigots.

Look up the defintion and you'll see what I mean.

P.S.

To the "moderator" that deleted my previous post- PM me.

I missed this as it got posted accidentally in the wrong thread...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...st&p=630982

Kaydee,

Would you mind indicating which of my posts in this thread caused you to say that I am bigoted?

I would say it's not so much about the country itself, but more about the financial position of the beneficiary.

I am almost two years older than my husband. Some of my friends have made the "robbing the cradle" joke. But it doesn't bother me because I'm pretty sure they're just joking around.

I could see that if there were a struggle for power that might not be good for a relationship. But I've seen lots of couples with an inbalance of power. Many people seem to be perfectly content letting someone else take the reins.

I know you weren't asking me this, but I think that a difference in ages affects the dynamics of any relationship, not just romantic ones. I tend to be more submissive around people who are older than me than I am with people my own age. Maybe that's something that not everyone feels.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Bigot's in this thread..no way.....Wait.. it is 17 pages long.. hhahahahah I guess some just ain't getting their point across about how wrong it is....hhahahahahaha...

I'd guess they are the ones that don't have real love..haven't found their second-half/Soulmate.. I would guess maybe they never will ....since they would just talk themselves out of it...

Love does Conquer all...

I saw that too. While I agree that there are plenty of bigots re this issue, I wouldn't put jenn among them. I'd say that throughout all the discussions about it, and there have been some pretty nasty ones, she's tried to stay more neutral than not.

I see that one of my posts have been deleted.

I will say once again that many that contribute to this thread are bigoted. Bigotry takes many forms. There are people in this thread that are bigots.

Look up the defintion and you'll see what I mean.

P.S.

To the "moderator" that deleted my previous post- PM me.

I missed this as it got posted accidentally in the wrong thread...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...st&p=630982

Kaydee,

Would you mind indicating which of my posts in this thread caused you to say that I am bigoted?

I would say it's not so much about the country itself, but more about the financial position of the beneficiary.

I am almost two years older than my husband. Some of my friends have made the "robbing the cradle" joke. But it doesn't bother me because I'm pretty sure they're just joking around.

I could see that if there were a struggle for power that might not be good for a relationship. But I've seen lots of couples with an inbalance of power. Many people seem to be perfectly content letting someone else take the reins.

I know you weren't asking me this, but I think that a difference in ages affects the dynamics of any relationship, not just romantic ones. I tend to be more submissive around people who are older than me than I am with people my own age. Maybe that's something that not everyone feels.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

Oh wait...I'm a bigot... I hate it when people try to impose their idea's onto others... as if it's gospel... I hate it when people try to play in my sandbox without being asked too.. and I hate busy-buddies...

But on a lighter side...this is one of the best forums..because of most of the people here....I totally enjoy this place...compared to another I visit thats more focused on RW's .. Alot of nice people here...!!

[pedroh 21]

mhh but what about when people get old? let's say there's a 25+ years difference.. 30 for example.. what if the wife is 50 and the hubby's 80? that wouldnt be a happy marriage, that'd be a 50 year old nurse changing the diapers everytime the old man sh!ts in his pants... and well, if that possible future was thought before getting in the relationship, good.. but it'd be pretty selfish to say 'oh she'll have to take care of me when i'm older cuz she loves me'..

that'd be the only con i'd see for really large age differences.. u wanna be a husband/wife? or an unpaid nurse?

[sunandmoon 450]

what matters most with an age gap is how the couple deal with it. if they affected by negative opinions from others, it could create problems for them. if it doesn't affect them, then really doesn't matter what other people think.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Since the bigots have no power other than to express their prejudices, I'm all for letting them do it. They don't realize how inane they sound and the rest of us get plenty of amusement from them. God-willing, we will all grow old, but you take your chances about growing wiser.

Edited December 22, 2006 by szsz

[David-and-Mae 15]

My fiancee is turning 62 this Dec., I just turned 28 last Nov. It's a big age gap but for us it didn't matter at all. He looks younger than his age, I can easily adapt to him and we get along really well. My family's not against it and never made fun of it because they knew how deeply we're in love with each other. I guess we're big fans of this "age doesn't matter" thing because we really didn't care about it, not at all. That's what true love is... right?

Mae