Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[rebeccajo 14]

A relationship that is not 50-50 on the power-scale does not, or cannot, include "best-friendship"?

Yodrak, I don't know if this is at all what you are alluding too, but....

My Father is always going on and on about how any relationship that isn't '50/50 right down the middle' is doomed to failure. My sister and I marvel at his assertions, as it's our observation that the dynamic of our parents 54 year marriage has rarely been 50/50, and that the 'balance of power' has changed many times during those years. I guess we sort of wonder if our Father has been present during his own marriage.

Becca

[Yodrak 7]

mawilson,

I don't think it's gloomy. I do think there is a problem with very large differences, but it's not the problems that most people raise based on what their own ages are. To me the problem is that while the couple may be at a similar stage in their life cycle when the relationship begins, they are not going to stay in the same stage as time moves on.

A couple who is close in age will be at pretty much the same stage of their life cycles throughout most of their lives.

All other things being equal, which they are not. All people to not age and wear out at the same rate.

Yodrak

Yodrak,

What a gloomy picture you painted for couples with a 25 year age difference.

Very accurate too.

mawilson

[garya505 2]

I just find that my way of thinking, sense of humour and general interests are more in tune with men (and frequently women, in a social context) who are older than me. I had no malicious intent by dating older men, I simply wanted company on my own wavelength.

I so hear you. That was me when I was your age too. As I got older though, I wouldn't date a man my own age or older due to many that I had met boring me to tears lol I am young at heart and I needed someone that could keep up with me and thoroughly live and enjoy life to the max. Not saying older can't, just not to the same level that I wanted or needed. Before meeting my hubby, I dated guys up to 25 years my junior. My family never had anything negative to say and even if they did, it is not their life.

Ultimately though age has very little to do with anything, it's the person, who they are, what they are, how they live life. Age is a state of mind and I have known many both young and old where their state of mind is 'one leg in the grave already'.

One of my sons is 22 years old and I know he is looking for an older woman to settle down with. He has no interest in gals his own age as he finds he has nothing in common with them. He has my full support.

Sometimes we don't agree, but I'm on your wavelength on this one.

[Yodrak 7]

Becca,

I think that talking about a 50/50 relationship is an almost meaningless oversimplification. There are so many aspects to a relationship. Some of those aspects may work out at 50/50, it would be incredible if all do. How does one weight all of the 40/60, 30/70, and the 50/50 aspects to arrive at a magical overall number?

I agree, the 'balance of power' is rarely static, it's in constant flux.

But wherever the balance lies, at any point in time or on average, how it mean that one's partner is not one's best friend if the balance is not 50/50? Why can't the partners nevertheless be best friends if the balance, however it's calculated, is not 50/50 and that's what suits them?

Yodrak

A relationship that is not 50-50 on the power-scale does not, or cannot, include "best-friendship"?

Yodrak, I don't know if this is at all what you are alluding too, but....

My Father is always going on and on about how any relationship that isn't '50/50 right down the middle' is doomed to failure. My sister and I marvel at his assertions, as it's our observation that the dynamic of our parents 54 year marriage has rarely been 50/50, and that the 'balance of power' has changed many times during those years. I guess we sort of wonder if our Father has been present during his own marriage.

Becca

[peezey 0]

peezey,

Interesting. I would think that being attractive to younger men would make a woman feel good about herself, even if she wouldn't want to have a relationship with a younger man. To find it gross or disturbing seems odd to me, perhaps because I know people in that situation and they make a good couple.

Interesting also because many of the VJ couples from the MENA area, as you are, involve older women and younger men.

This is not to say that you and Alex are wrong to feel as you do. Your feelings and point of view are quite legitimate, certainly as legitimate as anyone else's.

Yodrak

Why should my opinion about age-gap relationships have anything to do with other women who have husbands that come from MENA? That's like being surprised I hate the beach even though I'm a native Californian.

On the topic of a younger man's attention: just because you value the attention a younger woman bestows on you doesn't mean everyone would feel the same way in similar circumstances.

I don't have any particular "feelings" about these relationships, it's not something I would ever choose for myself. There are some I find hard to believe in, but as I said a number of times, to each his/her own. And to be clear, just because these relationships are bizarre to me doesn't automatically mean I think anything particular about the people involved. Unlike some in this world, I can separate the choices people make from the person him/herself.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

peezey,

Interesting. I would think that being attractive to younger men would make a woman feel good about herself, even if she wouldn't want to have a relationship with a younger man. To find it gross or disturbing seems odd to me, perhaps because I know people in that situation and they make a good couple.

Interesting also because many of the VJ couples from the MENA area, as you are, involve older women and younger men.

This is not to say that you and Alex are wrong to feel as you do. Your feelings and point of view are quite legitimate, certainly as legitimate as anyone else's.

Yodrak

I'm not one that subscribes to the concept that all views are equally legitimate. If your only experience with something like this is in your imagination, it's certainly not as legitimate as someone who is actually doing it.

Most women don't go looking for a younger man. In fact, our society is so biased toward older men with younger women, it's an act of rebellion for a woman to be with a younger man. I'm a bit of a rebel, so, although I had reservations, my husband has turned out to be my very best friend. Anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my azz. Age is just a number; attitude is far more important for success in marriage.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

[rebeccajo 14]

Yodrak -

Ah, a light bulb just went off for me. And as usual it's from an experience so important to me that the lesson learned was simply absorbed but not analyzed.

My best friend, who passed away two years ago, was 16 years my senior. She was a wonderful fabulous friend - the joy, laughter and experiences we had together are priceless to me. She held (and somewhat relished) the 'power' in our friendship. We laughed about it, we knew it, and we didn't mind one bit. I appreciated her wisdom and perspective. She enjoyed my 'youth' and the way I could get her out of bed on slow days.

We used to say that one day the balance would shift. That someday she'd be in the old folks home and it would be me looking out after her, rather than the other way around. Unfortunately, that day will never come.

We were best friends and loved each other as true friends do. I doubt there was ever a day that friendship was 50/50. It was probably 100/100 most of the time.

Becca

Becca,

I think that talking about a 50/50 relationship is an almost meaningless oversimplification. There are so many aspects to a relationship. Some of those aspects may work out at 50/50, it would be incredible if all do. How does one weight all of the 40/60, 30/70, and the 50/50 aspects to arrive at a magical overall number?

I agree, the 'balance of power' is rarely static, it's in constant flux.

But wherever the balance lies, at any point in time or on average, how it mean that one's partner is not one's best friend if the balance is not 50/50? Why can't the partners nevertheless be best friends if the balance, however it's calculated, is not 50/50 and that's what suits them?

Yodrak

A relationship that is not 50-50 on the power-scale does not, or cannot, include "best-friendship"?

Yodrak, I don't know if this is at all what you are alluding too, but....

My Father is always going on and on about how any relationship that isn't '50/50 right down the middle' is doomed to failure. My sister and I marvel at his assertions, as it's our observation that the dynamic of our parents 54 year marriage has rarely been 50/50, and that the 'balance of power' has changed many times during those years. I guess we sort of wonder if our Father has been present during his own marriage.

Becca

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I like this woman!!! ha (dang now something will start about that comment)

[Yodrak 7]

Alex,

I'm not sure if I agree with you or not. I sort of sense that I do, I think that perhaps you and I use the word 'equal' in different ways.

My wife is my best friend, and I'm sure that I am hers, but we are far from being 'equal'. She has so much that I do not have, and I have things that she does not, but the pieces fit together perfectly like a well-cut jigsaw puzzle. What I can't do, she can do. What she can't do, I can do. Between us we can do everything that we both want.

Yodrak

..... I would say that if you do not see your friend as an equal, it is not a healthy friendship and it's doomed.

[garya505 2]

peezey,

Interesting. I would think that being attractive to younger men would make a woman feel good about herself, even if she wouldn't want to have a relationship with a younger man. To find it gross or disturbing seems odd to me, perhaps because I know people in that situation and they make a good couple.

Interesting also because many of the VJ couples from the MENA area, as you are, involve older women and younger men.

This is not to say that you and Alex are wrong to feel as you do. Your feelings and point of view are quite legitimate, certainly as legitimate as anyone else's.

Yodrak

I'm not one that subscribes to the concept that all views are equally legitimate. If your only experience with something like this is in your imagination, it's certainly not as legitimate as someone who is actually doing it.

Most women don't go looking for a younger man. In fact, our society is so biased toward older men with younger women, it's an act of rebellion for a woman to be with a younger man. I'm a bit of a rebel, so, although I had reservations, my husband has turned out to be my very best friend. Anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my azz. Age is just a number; attitude is far more important for success in marriage.

szsz, you rock!

Edited December 21, 2006 by garya505

[garya505 2]

Yodrak -

Ah, a light bulb just went off for me. And as usual it's from an experience so important to me that the lesson learned was simply absorbed but not analyzed.

My best friend, who passed away two years ago, was 16 years my senior. She was a wonderful fabulous friend - the joy, laughter and experiences we had together are priceless to me. She held (and somewhat relished) the 'power' in our friendship. We laughed about it, we knew it, and we didn't mind one bit. I appreciated her wisdom and perspective. She enjoyed my 'youth' and the way I could get her out of bed on slow days.

We used to say that one day the balance would shift. That someday she'd be in the old folks home and it would be me looking out after her, rather than the other way around. Unfortunately, that day will never come.

We were best friends and loved each other as true friends do. I doubt there was ever a day that friendship was 50/50. It was probably 100/100 most of the time.

Becca

Becca,

I think that talking about a 50/50 relationship is an almost meaningless oversimplification. There are so many aspects to a relationship. Some of those aspects may work out at 50/50, it would be incredible if all do. How does one weight all of the 40/60, 30/70, and the 50/50 aspects to arrive at a magical overall number?

I agree, the 'balance of power' is rarely static, it's in constant flux.

But wherever the balance lies, at any point in time or on average, how it mean that one's partner is not one's best friend if the balance is not 50/50? Why can't the partners nevertheless be best friends if the balance, however it's calculated, is not 50/50 and that's what suits them?

Yodrak

A relationship that is not 50-50 on the power-scale does not, or cannot, include "best-friendship"?

Yodrak, I don't know if this is at all what you are alluding too, but....

My Father is always going on and on about how any relationship that isn't '50/50 right down the middle' is doomed to failure. My sister and I marvel at his assertions, as it's our observation that the dynamic of our parents 54 year marriage has rarely been 50/50, and that the 'balance of power' has changed many times during those years. I guess we sort of wonder if our Father has been present during his own marriage.

Becca

Becca, stop that, you're giving me tears in my eyes! (seriously, you are)

[brnidokiegurl 0]

yes she does

[Yodrak 7]

szsz,

I think that our American society, as a whole, is biased towards the man being older than the woman in a relationship, but not to the extent that you seem to indicate. I don't think that in the USA it is "an act of rebellion" for a woman to be with a younger man, except perhaps in certain enclaves, it's just outside the norm, and it is acceptable despite being thought of as unusual.

I do think that there are societies, other than the USA, where you are quite right. Or perhaps more accurately re-phrased, it's an act of rebellion for a younger man to be with an older woman.

Yodrak

..... our society is so biased toward older men with younger women, it's an act of rebellion for a woman to be with a younger man. .....

[one...two...tree 2,762]

szsz,

I think that our American society, as a whole, is biased towards the man being older than the woman in a relationship, but not to the extent that you seem to indicate. I don't think that in the USA it is "an act of rebellion" for a woman to be with a younger man, except perhaps in certain enclaves, it's just outside the norm, and it is acceptable despite being thought of as unusual.

I do think that there are societies, other than the USA, where you are quite right. Or perhaps more accurately re-phrased, it's an act of rebellion for a younger man to be with an older woman.

Yodrak

I think it goes back to security. We all seek out security when forming relationships. 50 years ago, the man typically was the breadwinner and therefore it mattered more to women, what kind of job and career a man had. Thankfully, women are now finding more opportunities career wise that were traditionally filled by men, and seeking out a financially secure man is less part of finding security in a marriage. Before, the security of an older, more established man who could provide for a family superceded the security of younger, more 'healthy' man, but now it appears for many women they see a man's health (which most likely means age) as more important. We'd be kidding ourselves if we didn't realize that we all choose partners whom we'll feel most secure with, in one way or another - whether it's financial, physical or emotional.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky