Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[eric&gen 0]

Me 34 my wife 35 only one year apart our borthday is on the same month. We are very happy together. What more can we ask for.

[tom&tata 2]

That there are so many people who have never been in an age gap relationship, but have negative opinions about them is interesting. It's one of the last things people feel free to be openly prejudiced about while denying that they are prejudiced.

Now we're on topic!

Could it be that the negative opinion because such relationship is uncommon in the society/values where they come from ?

To answer the original question:

1. 4 years gap between the 2 of us

2. No, there was no negative comment made on age. The only negative comment is that how far the US is from her home country.

3. Not applicable because we hate the distance too.

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

Holy freakin' generalisations, Batman!

exactly

[Yodrak 7]

peezey,

Interesting. I would think that being attractive to younger men would make a woman feel good about herself, even if she wouldn't want to have a relationship with a younger man. To find it gross or disturbing seems odd to me, perhaps because I know people in that situation and they make a good couple.

Interesting also because many of the VJ couples from the MENA area, as you are, involve older women and younger men.

This is not to say that you and Alex are wrong to feel as you do. Your feelings and point of view are quite legitimate, certainly as legitimate as anyone else's.

Yodrak

Alex,

But you cannot be Daddy, so let's consider a possible scenario for you - Mommy. How do you imagine you might feel as a 40-something woman if a 20-something guy was interested in you? (Assuming that R was not in the picture for whatever reason, any reason.) Would that be gross? Or would you feel, 'hot damn - I've still got it'?

Yodrak

...... If I were Daddy (or, possibly, Grandpa) in the relationship, I would definitely question the motives of my ladyfriend. A lot. Many times.

You didn't ask me, but I'll say, yes, gross, or at the very least, terribly disturbing.

[garya505 2]

peezey,

Interesting. I would think that being attractive to younger men would make a woman feel good about herself, even if she wouldn't want to have a relationship with a younger man. To find it gross or disturbing seems odd to me, perhaps because I know people in that situation and they make a good couple.

Interesting also because many of the VJ couples from the MENA area, as you are, involve older women and younger men.

This is not to say that you and Alex are wrong to feel as you do. Your feelings and point of view are quite legitimate, certainly as legitimate as anyone else's.

Yodrak

Alex,

But you cannot be Daddy, so let's consider a possible scenario for you - Mommy. How do you imagine you might feel as a 40-something woman if a 20-something guy was interested in you? (Assuming that R was not in the picture for whatever reason, any reason.) Would that be gross? Or would you feel, 'hot damn - I've still got it'?

Yodrak

...... If I were Daddy (or, possibly, Grandpa) in the relationship, I would definitely question the motives of my ladyfriend. A lot. Many times.

You didn't ask me, but I'll say, yes, gross, or at the very least, terribly disturbing.

While those type of feelings and viewpoints may be legitimate, it is insulting and disrespectful for someone to verbalize assumptions or question the motives of either of the people in a relationship with a large age gap.

Edited December 21, 2006 by garya505

[Yodrak 7]

peezey,

There is a reason for this, a reason that seems to be ignored almost every time the age-difference issue comes up for discussion. The question of age difference is discussed as a stand-alone issue, not in full context.

In the Phillipines and some other places it is the societal norm for younger women to marry much older (by US standards) men (although Jasman and Claudeth's age difference goes beyond that norm). In some places, marriages involving age difference outside the norm either way - older man, younger woman or older woman, younger man - are quite acceptable even if uncommon. And in some places, the pairing of a younger man with an older woman is not only rare and unusual, it is not socially acceptable.

With regard to immigration, in high fraud places especially, situations that are both unusual and socially unacceptable are looked at with suspicion and are examined very carefully. It make no difference if the situation is age difference or something else, a union of people that would be socially and culturally unacceptable under local conditions is going to be suspect.

Yodrak

I am 32 years Claudeth's senior and this is by far the best relationship I have even been in. ....

As far as the visa process goes, the age issue never came up and we, thus far, have blown through the process. She had the visa in 4 months and got the GC in 5 months.

There is clearly discrimination going on, then. Either gender or race or both.

I guess you lost me here, why would is there clearly discrimination going on?

Because there are quite a few older women/younger men who have had the complete opposite...did not "blow through the process"....are still mucking through the process years later and don't even have their SOs with them in the US yet.

[Yodrak 7]

jenn,

Thanks, you give me an opening for another aspect of the age difference that doesn't get discussed much - where in the life cycle the people are. You're young, yes? I can understand your current tendancy. And I can understand that you would - and should - feel uncomfortable with certain large age differences (there have been some 20-something female school teachers who have gotten into trouble because they didn't have that uncomfortable feeling!).

But to stick to 'legal' ages, and the younger woman older man scenario, and let's use a 25 year age difference. There will be one dynamic when the woman is in her early 20s and the man is in his late 40s. She's likely to still be immature and developing as a person, he should be somewhat mature and have found himself.

If the relationship lasts, by the time the woman is mid-30s and the man is 60-ish the dynamic will have changed. They're both mature adults at this point, quite capable of sharing and enjoying a common lifestyle. (At this point age difference is all but meaningless, in my opinion.)

Move ahead another 15 years, and now we've got a 50 year-old woman with a 75 year-old man. She's still in her midlife prime, but he's well past it. If he's not going downhill yet, he very soon will be. The dynamic between the two will likely be much different now than it was when they started out.

I suspect that when you reach 50 you'll be feeling more on the assertive side than on the submissive side when with people who are older than you (while still giving all due respect that advanced age entitles people to).

The point being, where people are in their life cycle is as important, perhaps more important, than their age, and is as important in the interpersonal dynamic as is the age difference.

Yodrak

..... I think that a difference in ages affects the dynamics of any relationship, not just romantic ones. I tend to be more submissive around people who are older than me than I am with people my own age. Maybe that's something that not everyone feels.

[mawilson 2,133]

Yodrak,

What a gloomy picture you painted for couples with a 25 year age difference.

Very accurate too.

mawilson

[garya505 2]

Of course that assumes they will live to be 50 and 75, and have somewhat good health, and ...

I figured I would just kick at about 75, then my wife can take my inheritance and marry another guy.

[Yodrak 7]

Alex,

A relationship that is not 50-50 on the power-scale does not, or cannot, include "best-friendship"?

All people have needs, wants, things that they can give, things that they can share. When one person has needs that another person can satisfy, does that mean that there has to be a power issue as a consequence? Does it mean that the people can't be best friends?

Yodrak

I don't know that it is all that wrong for someone to seek out a relationship with someone who is dominant. It would depend on their personality. If someone enjoyed being taken care of and the dominant spouse was not cruel, it might be a really good match.

That's true. It seems weird to me, but not everyone's norms are going to be the same. I don't mean to be so judgmental, but my idea of a healthy relationship includes a best-friendship in there, you know? It seems so strange that some people don't want that.

.....

[Alex+R 0]

Alex,

A relationship that is not 50-50 on the power-scale does not, or cannot, include "best-friendship"?

All people have needs, wants, things that they can give, things that they can share. When one person has needs that another person can satisfy, does that mean that there has to be a power issue as a consequence? Does it mean that the people can't be best friends?

Yodrak

I don't know that it is all that wrong for someone to seek out a relationship with someone who is dominant. It would depend on their personality. If someone enjoyed being taken care of and the dominant spouse was not cruel, it might be a really good match.

That's true. It seems weird to me, but not everyone's norms are going to be the same. I don't mean to be so judgmental, but my idea of a healthy relationship includes a best-friendship in there, you know? It seems so strange that some people don't want that.

.....

One person satisfying another person's needs is not the same as a "power-gap" as I guess we're calling it. I have never seen a successful friendship where one person takes and takes and the other only gives. Or when one person appears to control the other person. I would say that if you do not see your friend as an equal, it is not a healthy friendship and it's doomed.

[garya505 2]

I think Alex is suspended in the post-feminist convergence.

[rebeccajo 14]

There are 13 years between my husband and I...........

Being that I'm only 23 now............

You're husband is only 10 years old?

[aussiewench 9]

I just find that my way of thinking, sense of humour and general interests are more in tune with men (and frequently women, in a social context) who are older than me. I had no malicious intent by dating older men, I simply wanted company on my own wavelength.

I so hear you. That was me when I was your age too. As I got older though, I wouldn't date a man my own age or older due to many that I had met boring me to tears lol I am young at heart and I needed someone that could keep up with me and thoroughly live and enjoy life to the max. Not saying older can't, just not to the same level that I wanted or needed. Before meeting my hubby, I dated guys up to 25 years my junior. My family never had anything negative to say and even if they did, it is not their life.

Ultimately though age has very little to do with anything, it's the person, who they are, what they are, how they live life. Age is a state of mind and I have known many both young and old where their state of mind is 'one leg in the grave already'.

One of my sons is 22 years old and I know he is looking for an older woman to settle down with. He has no interest in gals his own age as he finds he has nothing in common with them. He has my full support.

[Alex+R 0]

I think Alex is suspended in the post-feminist convergence.

Do you have any idea what you're talkinga about?