Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[Jasman0717 9]

Wow, this thread sure has generated som interesting posts

[Fandango 1,439]

To me, an age gap is far less worrying than a large power gap or a pack of other prejudices.. I've been attracted, at age 27, to men in their early forties, but it's been to men who are in a similar position to me career-wise (i.e., junior faculty vs. grad. student.) It's not really icky once you're past college, because you meet a lot more people, and the older you get, the more they're all about the same anyway.

But.... when it's someone who wants their bride to be subservient, is hoping to keep her financially dependent, and generalizes ('X women all do this') or talks about their bride like she's an iPod or other expensive purchase. ('How do you keep your bride from Americanizing? I hope you're happy with your bride like I am with mine!' Might as well be 'How did you get iTunes to work?' You almost expect 'Did she come with a warranty?') But that just means I don't like jackas$es... nothing to do with age gaps there.

There is some correlation between age gaps and fraud, but that's not the fault of the American's intentions, in most cases.

Excellent point....I see that all the time on here and it really irritates me

[eric&gen 0]

Me my wife have na age gap we are off by one year lol

[Alex+R 0]

To me, an age gap is far less worrying than a large power gap or a pack of other prejudices.. I've been attracted, at age 27, to men in their early forties, but it's been to men who are in a similar position to me career-wise (i.e., junior faculty vs. grad. student.) It's not really icky once you're past college, because you meet a lot more people, and the older you get, the more they're all about the same anyway.

But.... when it's someone who wants their bride to be subservient, is hoping to keep her financially dependent, and generalizes ('X women all do this') or talks about their bride like she's an iPod or other expensive purchase. ('How do you keep your bride from Americanizing? I hope you're happy with your bride like I am with mine!' Might as well be 'How did you get iTunes to work?' You almost expect 'Did she come with a warranty?') But that just means I don't like jackas$es... nothing to do with age gaps there.

There is some correlation between age gaps and fraud, but that's not the fault of the American's intentions, in most cases.

Excellent point....I see that all the time on here and it really irritates me

That's basically what I was trying to say, Caladan.

[mRx 16]

The problem with people sterotyping is that it stems from "Mail Order Bride" and She is only marrying him for his money..

speaking of mail order brides...

Ive been doing this gig for the military for a few months filling up seats on military aircraft so military members and retirees can get a free flight, and I signed up a couple for a flight a few months ago, and when i was checking their ID cards, i noticed that he was 76 and she was 21 and from Russia. And was this old timer worried at all about stereotyping? Hel| no! He walked with a proud smile, cuz he knew no other geezer had a piece a jelly like the one he had...

[garya505 2]

Ultimately, I think I picked up this prejudice as an adjunct prejudice to the one I have about "shopping for Filipinas." I don't know that it always applies.

And for those reasons, I tend to be defensive because Jinky happens to live in the Philippines. I still am uncomfortable telling colleagues at work that one, I'm in a long distant relationship and two, that she is from the Philippines because I know that carries with it all kinds of stereotypes. It really sucks to be on the receiving end of such stereotypes because of the pressure to prove otherwise.

I guess on the positive side, because I've become the recipient of such stereotypes it really made me rethink my own prejudices regarding such relationships. People have various reasons for marrying and various ideas about marriage. Like you, I want my relationship to be founded on being best friends where there is no imbalance of power, but I can also accept that some people would be more comfortable in a different dynamic.

Just looking at my mother, for example - she has always done the cooking, washing and domestic chores in the house. She's told me that it makes her feel needed by my father (they are both in their 70's and retired). My father has two college degrees with a Masters in History. My mother never finished college. However, I never saw their relationship has having an imbalance of power. In my first marriage the roles were not rigid like that at all and I want fluidity of roles with my future marriage, but Jinky surprised me the other day when she told me over the phone that she can't wait to do my laundry or to cook for me. I don't think she's backwards for thinking that way nor do I think it would harmful if we both accepted certain roles within the relationship as long as we do so willingly and lovingly. If there's one criticism I have about the Feminist Movement is the view that accepting such subservient roles is undignified. We (both men and women in marriage) should be doing just that - serving each other.

Alex's prejudice against Filipinas are obvious from many of her posts on various unrelated topics. She works it in whenever she can.

[garya505 2]

Wow, this thread sure has generated som interesting posts

Yes but they're not on the topic, which was asking how couples are dealing with other's reaction to their age gap.

[Karen_L 1]

Then look at my grandma, who thought "I've still got it" when a 35-year-old Albanian immigrant to Greece (she lives in Athens) moved in and claimed to be in love with her. Then he took all her money and ran.

OMG for real??! Those Alboz... I tells ya... my husband tells me often that many of his countrymen can be bad news indeed.

Did you guys know about this guy before he fled or did you only find out after it happened?

Edit: Sorry for veering off-topic.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Karen_L

[caybee 21]

A partner ten years younger could also fall into the mommy or daddy role. Happens all the time.

When non-USC's come to the U.S., I think a certain amount of mothering or fathering is normal until they get their bearings, especially if their home culture is very different. Maybe that is part of the mothering or fathering that shows up in some forums. If my SO were 15 years older than I, I would still feel protective of him when he first arrived here, just as he is with me when I visit him now. And it's so much fun to witness a loved one seeing your country and culture through new eyes, no matter what country it is. You get to experience things in your own culture that you may never have noticed before new eyes looked at them. But the actions of the USC should be directed toward helping the partner get their feet under them quickly so nobody ends up stuck in the parenting role. That takes some planning and intention, as well as the ability to let go, to not panic when the non-USC partner proves that yes, he or she can function just fine in the U.S. without someone to speak or act for them at every turn. The parent/child dynamic gets real old real fast and isn't healthy for either partner.

I think it's gross and abnormal when the large age difference also comes with a mothering/fathering aspect from the older partner.

Wouldn't that also depend more on their personalities than their ages? I mean, you could have two people of the same age, one of whom is immature, and the other could take the parent-like role.

[garya505 2]

Then look at my grandma, who thought "I've still got it" when a 35-year-old Albanian immigrant to Greece (she lives in Athens) moved in and claimed to be in love with her. Then he took all her money and ran.

OMG for real??! Those Alboz... I tells ya... my husband tells me often that many of his countrymen can be bad news indeed.

Did you guys know about this guy before he fled or did you only find out after it happened?

Edit: Sorry for veering off-topic.

That's OK, almost everyone else is ignoring the real topic anyway.

[Alex+R 0]

Then look at my grandma, who thought "I've still got it" when a 35-year-old Albanian immigrant to Greece (she lives in Athens) moved in and claimed to be in love with her. Then he took all her money and ran.

OMG for real??! Those Alboz... I tells ya... my husband tells me often that many of his countrymen can be bad news indeed.

Did you guys know about this guy before he fled or did you only find out after it happened?

Edit: Sorry for veering off-topic.

Yeah, all of us knew about him! We tried to warn her but it was just too late. I think she still has a portrait of him that she painted hanging in her living room. @ "Alboz"

[TracyTN 237]

Then look at my grandma, who thought "I've still got it" when a 35-year-old Albanian immigrant to Greece (she lives in Athens) moved in and claimed to be in love with her. Then he took all her money and ran.

OMG for real??! Those Alboz... I tells ya... my husband tells me often that many of his countrymen can be bad news indeed.

Did you guys know about this guy before he fled or did you only find out after it happened?

Edit: Sorry for veering off-topic.

That's OK, almost everyone else is ignoring the real topic anyway.

Seriously - do you really expect a thread on VJ to stay on topic - particularly in the off topic forum??

[brnidokiegurl 0]

just curious gary if you fall within this issue how are you dealing with it? not being smart etc just asking, i think for most that are within that area could care less and deal with it by saying why should u care its the ones that just are not close to the issue giving sooooooo many opinions on the way they feel for themselves (which can change tomorrow) as one said never say never. If you for example have not ate (whatever) say fried chicken and I am enjoying some how in the world can you sit there and say oh you shouldn't....in my opinion....how stupid....you go try it then come back and tell me why you didnt like it, now you are educated to the subject. Far fetched comparision i know but......and again not trying to be smart just what i think

[Alex+R 0]

Alex's prejudice against Filipinas are obvious from many of her posts on various unrelated topics. She works it in whenever she can.

Gary, that's ridiculous and you (should, at least) know it. Two posts after me you always claim that I'm saying something I'm not, but that doesn't mean that your interpretation is correct.

[Vipul and Jamie 0]

Haven't read all the pages yet, so I'm just responding to the original question. No, Vipul and I only have 3 yrs age difference between us. For us we like that because we know (assuming nothing catastrophic happens) we will grow old together and "slow down" (I guess you could say) together.

I'm sure that couples on VJ with a large age gap inbetween are in love, and I don't doubt it. I guess what I've always wondered is what will happen when say one gets to be 70 and the other is like 50 or 40? It's really none of my buisness but I've always wondered how that affects their relationship at that point in their life.

-Jamie