Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

[doodlebug 3]

It's pretty common for people to be attracted to (and marry) those similar to our parent(s). Kinda hard to avoid a mothering/fathering aspect in a relationship entirely.

I totally married my mother in my first marriage, though we were the same age. He had the exact same traits as her. Freaky.

[Alex+R 0]

I was saying a difference in who has power in the relationship weirds me out, and that it's more common in age-gap relationships. Not that having an age gap MEANS that problem will occur. Not that it doesn't occur in tons of relationships where husband and wife (or other couple) are the same age.

How do you know if it's more or less common in age difference relationships? Do you have empirical evidence to aupport this, or is it simply your personal opinion?

If it can happen in any relationship, do agr similar relationships weird you out too?

Not challenging, just asking because I think your answer is interesting in its ambiguity.

It's the creepy dynamic of one person holding more power than another or "wearing the pants" (and some VJ posters have said that that IS the case in their relationship and that they're all right with it) would be uncomfortable for me. And it makes me sick (yep) to see people seek out that dynamic. When it happens between people of the same age, I tend to feel sorry for the partner who has to be submissive, even if they chose it.

Obviously, I can't tell you that 43% or 52% of relationships between 60-yo men and 20-yo women are like that, but I've certainly seen a lot of supporting evidence for the claim on VJ.

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

It's pretty common for people to be attracted to (and marry) those similar to our parent(s). Kinda hard to avoid a mothering/fathering aspect in a relationship entirely.

I totally married my mother in my first marriage, though we were the same age. He had the exact same traits as her. Freaky.

Did you try to fix any issues that you had with your mother in your relationship with your husband?

[doodlebug 3]

It's pretty common for people to be attracted to (and marry) those similar to our parent(s). Kinda hard to avoid a mothering/fathering aspect in a relationship entirely.

I totally married my mother in my first marriage, though we were the same age. He had the exact same traits as her. Freaky.

Did you try to fix any issues that you had with your mother in your relationship with your husband?

I would have to really think about that one 'cause I have no clue.

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

I was saying a difference in who has power in the relationship weirds me out, and that it's more common in age-gap relationships. Not that having an age gap MEANS that problem will occur. Not that it doesn't occur in tons of relationships where husband and wife (or other couple) are the same age.

How do you know if it's more or less common in age difference relationships? Do you have empirical evidence to aupport this, or is it simply your personal opinion?

If it can happen in any relationship, do agr similar relationships weird you out too?

Not challenging, just asking because I think your answer is interesting in its ambiguity.

It's the creepy dynamic of one person holding more power than another or "wearing the pants" (and some VJ posters have said that that IS the case in their relationship and that they're all right with it) would be uncomfortable for me. And it makes me sick (yep) to see people seek out that dynamic. When it happens between people of the same age, I tend to feel sorry for the partner who has to be submissive, even if they chose it.

Obviously, I can't tell you that 43% or 52% of relationships between 60-yo men and 20-yo women are like that, but I've certainly seen a lot of supporting evidence for the claim on VJ.

I don't know that it is all that wrong for someone to seek out a relationship with someone who is dominant. It would depend on their personality. If someone enjoyed being taken care of and the dominant spouse was not cruel, it might be a really good match.

It's pretty common for people to be attracted to (and marry) those similar to our parent(s). Kinda hard to avoid a mothering/fathering aspect in a relationship entirely.

I totally married my mother in my first marriage, though we were the same age. He had the exact same traits as her. Freaky.

Did you try to fix any issues that you had with your mother in your relationship with your husband?

I would have to really think about that one 'cause I have no clue.

It's a common psychological theory - we marry someone like our parent and then we try to "fix" things that were problematic in our childhood.

[Alex+R 0]

I don't know that it is all that wrong for someone to seek out a relationship with someone who is dominant. It would depend on their personality. If someone enjoyed being taken care of and the dominant spouse was not cruel, it might be a really good match.

That's true. It seems weird to me, but not everyone's norms are going to be the same. I don't mean to be so judgmental, but my idea of a healthy relationship includes a best-friendship in there, you know? It seems so strange that some people don't want that.

Ultimately, I think I picked up this prejudice as an adjunct prejudice to the one I have about "shopping for Filipinas." I don't know that it always applies.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

It's pretty common for people to be attracted to (and marry) those similar to our parent(s). Kinda hard to avoid a mothering/fathering aspect in a relationship entirely.

I totally married my mother in my first marriage, though we were the same age. He had the exact same traits as her. Freaky.

I totally married my father the first time. Even relatives noticed how much alike they were; they even had the same first name. It is common and I understood that, so it didn't freak me out.

It's the creepy dynamic of one person holding more power than another or "wearing the pants" (and some VJ posters have said that that IS the case in their relationship and that they're all right with it) would be uncomfortable for me. And it makes me sick (yep) to see people seek out that dynamic. When it happens between people of the same age, I tend to feel sorry for the partner who has to be submissive, even if they chose it.

Obviously, I can't tell you that 43% or 52% of relationships between 60-yo men and 20-yo women are like that, but I've certainly seen a lot of supporting evidence for the claim on VJ.

I'm a social scientist, so I do tend to ask for empirical evidence. In this case, all any of us have is our view, primarily based on how we each process information. There is no right or wrong to this, only what we prefer or do not prefer for ourselves.

[garya505 2]

If the power dynamic between the two people isn't weird, age doesn't matter.

How often is it not weird between two people with a large age gap, though?

And that's weird by American mainstream feminist (or even post-feminist) standards.

Apparently you're suggesting that a large age gap automatically means one person most likely has more "power" or is in control of the relationship. Doesn't this depend more on the personalities involved than the ages of the two people?

No, Gary, I was saying practically the opposite. Please, for once, listen to me before you claim I'm saying something I'm not. I was saying a difference in who has power in the relationship weirds me out, and that it's more common in age-gap relationships. Not that having an age gap MEANS that problem will occur. Not that it doesn't occur in tons of relationships where husband and wife (or other couple) are the same age.

A power gap, as Jenn pointed out, is not a problem for everyone. For me it would be.

Hmmm, then I guess you shouldn't be in a relationship with a "power gap" then.

I like to think of a relationship in different terms, like a partnership, where this so-called "power gap" isn't an issue and each person brings different things into the relationship.

[Fandango 1,439]

I think it's gross and abnormal when the large age difference also comes with a mothering/fathering aspect from the older partner.

Wouldn't that also depend more on their personalities than their ages? I mean, you could have two people of the same age, one of whom is immature, and the other could take the parent-like role.

You raise a v. good point....I think the mothering/fathering thing in a romantic relationship is just wrong no matter what the age...but I suppose when the partner IS the same age as the parent, it just seems worse.

[garya505 2]

Do you and your fiance(e) have a large age difference?

Did you get any bad reactions from family or friends, or anyone else?

If so, what did you do, make a joke of it, insult them back, get mad, or what?

[joemaria 0]

Age doesnt matter though!

Me and my fiance have 15 years age gap but we dont find it as a prob. As long as you "jive" and happy dont bother at all. What important is the feeling u have for him/her and personality. What if u are same age but immature? anyways it is just a number. Oh im having prob to post here, im a nre member and dont know how? mind if u help me? thanks!

[girlfrmoz 1]

What a boring old world it would be if we weren't all different, if we all had the same opinions, ages, personalities, colour skin, culture, etc.

Age is irrelevant whereas differences in emotional maturity and relationship skills can have huge impacts on a relationship. Understanding differences in gender specific thinking and physiological differences are also important.

I am almost 9yrs older than my partner. I earn more and have more qualifications. We discussed it too and neither of us care. We are equal, we communicate, we have fun, we both stuff up from time to time but we love each other.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Ultimately, I think I picked up this prejudice as an adjunct prejudice to the one I have about "shopping for Filipinas." I don't know that it always applies.

And for those reasons, I tend to be defensive because Jinky happens to live in the Philippines. I still am uncomfortable telling colleagues at work that one, I'm in a long distant relationship and two, that she is from the Philippines because I know that carries with it all kinds of stereotypes. It really sucks to be on the receiving end of such stereotypes because of the pressure to prove otherwise.

I guess on the positive side, because I've become the recipient of such stereotypes it really made me rethink my own prejudices regarding such relationships. People have various reasons for marrying and various ideas about marriage. Like you, I want my relationship to be founded on being best friends where there is no imbalance of power, but I can also accept that some people would be more comfortable in a different dynamic.

Just looking at my mother, for example - she has always done the cooking, washing and domestic chores in the house. She's told me that it makes her feel needed by my father (they are both in their 70's and retired). My father has two college degrees with a Masters in History. My mother never finished college. However, I never saw their relationship has having an imbalance of power. In my first marriage the roles were not rigid like that at all and I want fluidity of roles with my future marriage, but Jinky surprised me the other day when she told me over the phone that she can't wait to do my laundry or to cook for me. I don't think she's backwards for thinking that way nor do I think it would harmful if we both accepted certain roles within the relationship as long as we do so willingly and lovingly. If there's one criticism I have about the Feminist Movement is the view that accepting such subservient roles is undignified. We (both men and women in marriage) should be doing just that - serving each other.

Edited December 21, 2006 by Steven_and_Jinky

[Marilyn. 340]

I am almost two years older than my husband. Some of my friends have made the "robbing the cradle" joke. But it doesn't bother me because I'm pretty sure they're just joking around.

mmm, I sometimes feel like I robbed the cradle .... my hubby is 7 years younger then me but he is way more mature then most guys his age...

[Bosco 1]

If the power dynamic between the two people isn't weird, age doesn't matter.

How often is it not weird between two people with a large age gap, though?

And that's weird by American mainstream feminist (or even post-feminist) standards.

Apparently you're suggesting that a large age gap automatically means one person most likely has more "power" or is in control of the relationship. Doesn't this depend more on the personalities involved than the ages of the two people?

I think that *often* (not always), the USC has a great deal of power in these relationships - especially when the spouse comes from a developing or third world country. They are usually in financial control, and the spouse is often in the position of having to learn many things just to get by, thus making them dependent on the USC - whether it be for cash, rides, to learn how to operate an ATM machine, etc. There are always the few that like to hang the spouse's status over their heads and threaten to "send them back" knowing that the person has nothing to go back to.

Women in the MENA forum have talked about their husbands "needing them less" as they adjust and get their 10-year-card and feeling the need to step it up in order for the man to stick around. I would say that is clearly a power dynamic. I also have heard in that forum multiple times that it is like "adopting a child" or something of the sort. ECK.

Throw in an age difference and these things can (although not necessarily) be exacerbated as the older USC may be even more financially established and have children their spouses age and without realizing it, fall into a habit of speaking to them as they would their children. 10 year green card/citizenship and/or financial independence comes and the power shifts, younger husband may suddenly want children. I do think in regards to children, the older men have an edge over the older women couples as the ability to have children is usually less of an issue.