Kids Say The Darndest Things

[Fandango 1,439]

omG, I'm literally crying here, Like, for real!

[Jasman0717 9]

Where is Art Linkletter?

[Marilyn. 340]

a ) For those who have grown children - this is totally hysterical!

b ) For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c ) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d ) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e ) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not Strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Edited April 26, 2006 by MarilynP

[Tiksman 0]

[ivona 0]

OMG, thank you so much....I really needed this today

[Marilyn. 340]

Kids' Ideas About Science

Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.

* "One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."

* "You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind."

* "Talc is found on rocks and on babies."

* "Isn't inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?"

* "The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down."

* "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

* "When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting."

* "Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand."

* "While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating."

* "Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

* "South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage."

* "Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south."

* "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

* "There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever."

* "There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days."

* "Lime is a green-tasting rock."

* "Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil."

* "Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should."

* "Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there."

* "Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother."

* "Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers."

* "We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on."

* "To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up."

* "In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's."

* "Clouds are high flying fogs."

* "I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing."

* "Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do."

* "Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does."

* "Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water."

* "We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe."

* "Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail."

* "Rain is saved up in cloud banks."

* "In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes."

* "Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man."

* "The wind is like the air, only pushier."

* "A blizzard is when it snows sideways."

* "A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size."

* "A monsoon is a French gentleman."

* "Thunder is a rich source of loudness."

* "Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound."

* "It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places."

* "Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime."

[Marilyn. 340]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[Henia 11]

When my daughter open her birthday present, she said "This is what I wanted my whole life".... LOL

[*Robert* 2]

They certainly do!!! :lol:

[Marilyn. 340]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born - Couldn't walk for a year."

[Marilyn. 340]

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

[Marilyn. 340]

My wife told our 5 year old to put on clean underwear everyday, and he did just as he was told.

At the end of the week, he had on 5 pairs.

****************************************

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.

"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"

"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

******************************************

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world.

When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

**********************************************

Lady: What a cute little boy. What's your name, sweetheart?

Little Boy: Connor.

Lady: Can you tell me your full name?

Little Boy: Connor Stop That!

[Savanphil 3]

[Mephys 2]

Just had the funniest 45 min of the week reading all the last 4 pages! thx!

[Marilyn. 340]

My daughter's fifth-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."

That's when her little brother piped up, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

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Kids quotes that are a little off track:

"God bless America, Thru the night with a light from a bulb!"

"0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"

"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

"We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese."

"Yield not to Penn Station, but deliver us from evil."

***************************************

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, and then asked, "How old are you now?"

***************************************

A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."