Kids Say The Darndest Things

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work, "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"

Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, son, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired."

"But Daddy, just tell me please!? How much do you make an hour," the boy insisted.

The father finally giving up replied, "Twenty dollars per hour." "Okay, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked.

Showing restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled, "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!"

It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he had said and was feeling guilty. Maybe his son wanted to buy something.

Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep son?" asked the father.

"No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy partially asleep. "Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said.

"Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money.

"Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son just said. "Daddy could you sell me one hour of your time?"

Awwwwww

[Marilyn. 340]

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like

sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep

the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to

marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're

stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by

then. -- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at

the same kids. -- Derrick, age

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each

other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --

Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets

them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig,

age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 6

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with

that - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry

them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never

going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --

Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone

to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --

Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a bus. --

Ricky, age 10

[Bootylicious!! 2]

[Marilyn. 340]

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.

On one side it said, "Families are Forever."And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope

propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed," Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the

letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope

with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even

with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But

it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant, and Joan said that we will be

very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than

I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood

for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me, and

that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be

growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine

and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care

of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to

know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Kevin's house. I

just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my

report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Kajikit 65]

lol!

[almaty 19]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope

propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed," Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the

letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope

with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even

with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But

it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant, and Joan said that we will be

very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than

I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood

for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me, and

that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be

growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine

and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care

of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to

know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Kevin's house. I

just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my

report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

quick thinking

[Dixie_Peach 1]

[Marilyn. 340]

Little Jacob had a hard time getting use to a new baby in the house. Coming out of his bedroom talking rather loud and being told to be quiet, the baby is asleep, he very seriously said, "Well ya'll better be quiet, cause my foot`s asleep."

~~~~~

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

~~~~~

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

~~~~~

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

~~~~~

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

~~~~~

One day a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

~~~~~

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

~~~~~

While her mother was studying the chapter on hematology for her nursing class, four-year-old Danielle asked what she was reading. Her mother said she was learning about blood and she explained how the heart pumps blood all the way through the body. Then she taught Danielle to feel her pulse in her wrists and feet.

Danielle wandered away and her mother noticed her looking at the soles of her feet. Then Danielle twisted and turned and pulled down the top of her shorts to look at her bottom. She stretched her arms all the way around and managed to feel her back. Her mother didn't pay any attention until Danielle came back and asked, "Where do we put the batteries?"

~~~~~

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

~~~~~

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

~~~~~

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

~~~~~

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."

Edited April 4, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend "I went to visit my Nana"

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER, Use 'Big People' words"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo"

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN" You must remember to use 'Big People' words"

She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book," he replied

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said , "what book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it!

V

V

V

V

V

V

Then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SH!T"

[Jamaica to CT 0]

Too funny!! Just what I needed after a rough week

[Marilyn. 340]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known saying and asked them to come up with the remainder of it. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses..................until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.........................bug is close

.

3. It's always darkest before.........Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but ...... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that .............. looks dirty.

7. No news is.....................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a................ . Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new ......... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust ..................................... me.

12. The pen is mightier than the ................... pigs.

13. An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's .............. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is .....................not much.

17. Two's company, three's ........... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry...... and you have to

blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as .............Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ..............spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed ................ get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ....... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ............... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than ..................pregnant!