long distance relationship struggles

[KTichUsZim 3]

Well it's been 3 days and I haven't heard a word from my finance, I've called family friends, no one knows what's going on, the power in his area has been out 5 days and phone lines are down, I'm worried sick and feel like I'm dying inside, this is the trials of living abroad, and not knowing what is happening with the people you love, feeling very lost now.

[R<3S 97]

It is SOOOO hard to have a long distance relationship. Waiting for Cr-1 visa to be approved for my hubbie.

We met online around 2007 and then met in real life in 2011. Got married in 2011 and had to leave him. After that spent 6 months with him in 2012, and now have not seen him for over a year. It takes a lot of emotional managing to handle a long distance relationship. I just really hope to see him soon. I know it might not help, but sometimes I think about the future and how this waiting "game" will not be as painful as it is now. That..one day...when you'll be together...

[KTichUsZim 3]

Sometimes I feel like giving up, although I love this man with all I am, all I could give, I just sometimes wonder WHO DOES THIS? WHO WAITS MONTHS, SOMETIMES YEARS TO BE WITH SOMEONE???

then I realize, I couldn't be with anyone but him,

Has any one experienced that one?

Love has no boarders, but it sure has a hell of a cost!

[altonbebe 48]

Unfortunately, me and my love haven't been able to message each other in 3 days, stupid power outages in South Africa, and I have been a REAL you know what, I feel terrible we can't plan our life like we used to, I got my NOA-1 hard copy in the mail today and although we've been bickering back and forth lately, it made me realize why I'm doing this, going through this, because when we are together we are happy and in love..

Keep em coming I need your support.

Thanks

Hello there,

I would like to make a suggestion to you and hope this helps you.

Being as you have very weak broadband in South Africa at best, I think you should start doing Skype dates.

What is a Skype date, a Skpe date is what you make it. But you make it scheduled.

If he is in Durban, South Africa, that is exactly an 8:00 hour difference.

So here is a Skype date, every Saturday at ( you : 12:00 noon CST; him : 8:00 p/m Durban time ) have a Skype date.

He does some research there is South Africa and finds the BEST internet cafe that both offers GREAT BROADBAND; serves coffee and possible snacke; and most importantly PRIVACY.

You cook yourself a nice lunch and get privacy in your home if there are others in your home. Make sure to tell everybody to NOT DISTURB YOU.

Both you and him : TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES, RADIOS, TV. And no WEB SURFING.

Spend 2 hours with each other eating, drinking coffee, and spending 2 hours out of the week with just to the two of you.

Do this every week on Saturday or Sunday. Your choice.

What does this do, it provides the excitement of seeing each other and gets the endorphines pumping in the blood stream. Along with great video of each other on a stable broad band.

Guess what, 4 or 5 star hotels have GREAT BROADBAND. If he has a lap top, go to the hotel, buy a prepaid load from the hotel, go to the resteraunt and spend time with each other.

Hope this helps.

Try it and get back with all of us. Let us know how it worked out.

[christeen 966]

I emphasized quality over quantity when it comes to conversations... My husband has always worked on ships and would be out of communication for weeks while at sea... So we had a schedule of when we could talk... Knowing that time was limited we tended to talk and share and not waste the precious time fighting. Sometimes I think that too much 24/7 Skype and message tends to make the conversations and time talking less special... Once they do arrive, the real communication test begins. Learning to live together, adjusting to leaving home, feeling homesick,and having to discuss these feelings openly without fear of "offending" our SO's . Then there is the real world when the USC goes to,work and the immigrant is left alone for hours not knowing what to do and feeling bored... That is when the real ability to communicate in a quality manner comes into play... Technological issues will seem minor... It is tough not to dwell on the process, but bitching every day to each other does not make good use of the time you do have... When they do get here, you will have a list of 10,000 things you wish you had researched, prepared, bought etc... So try to read through the your new life in America section to maybe get ideas of pitfalls, obstacles and things you might need to prepare for and do that now while you have the time and need stuff to occupy your time... Talking about planning your life is good but taking the actions necessary to prepare your life and home for your loved one is priceless. It is ok to be stressed and lonely, miss your loved one and feel out of control of the situation, but do not let these feelings overwhelm you and put more stress on the relationship than needs be... There will be more stressful days to come, so take each day as it comes... That is my 2 cents based on my 13 years with a foreign sailor...

[TBoneTX 45,072]

Figure out what you two will do when he's finally in the USA

This is among the most valuable advice in this thread, and advice perhaps most often overlooked by too many. Get the framework of the life plans started early, so that the beneficiary can hit the ground running, soon after POE. This can involve school, hobbies, language classes, integration into society and the neighborhood, and more.

Call the following "preachy" if you will, but consider it to be straight talk.

Thinking ahead now pays off at this stage, and later, both in life and in the immigration process specifically.

If you're K-1, allocate the fees for AOS now and keep the funds intact, untouched, in a special bank account or stashed inside a special mattress.

Upon marrying, ask the civil officiant if you can hand-carry the signed marriage license to the courthouse yourselves, so that you can order multiple copies of the marriage certificate. If your courthouse can produce certificates while you wait, wait there for them. Include one original in the AOS package, keep one or more to show banks in order to create joint accounts immediately, and keep one on the immigrant's person at all times for travel locally or when AP is received (quit carrying it only after the first green card is in hand). The mothers-in-law might appreciate a copy of the marriage certificate as a special souvenir.

After marrying, very promptly construct Wills, medical powers of attorney, HIPAA releases, et al., for slam-dunk evidence in your ROC package and in case something happens to either spouse (especially the U.S. citizen). These documents are important, even if you're living with the parents and don't think that you have anything worth "willing." Do-it-yourself legal templates are probably available if you don't care to involve an attorney.

Nothing is more bewildering than when an immigrant finally clears POE, the romantic smoke clears, and the couple essentially look at each other and wonder "uh, what now?"

Nothing causes more rolling of eyes than to read a VJ post that says, "He/she is here -- what do we do next?"

Think and plan ahead.

Edited December 4, 2013 by TBoneTX

[KTichUsZim 3]

Update, we still struggling to communicate, yesterday was the first time we had any form of communication in 5 days, so instead of us making up for loss time we disagreed on everything, this is getting to the point I'm questioning if I should even continue this visa process, do we love each other? I have no doubts about our love, its how can we deal with this seperation and no communication on top of it?? It's not as if he's within or has the same luxuries I have, face time and all these other forms of communication isn't available to him, is why I've traveled to see him so often, but that's becoming to expensive. What can we do to get back on track? Because we are losing the battle before the war begins..

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Update, we still struggling to communicate, yesterday was the first time we had any form of communication in 5 days, so instead of us making up for loss time we disagreed on everything, this is getting to the point I'm questioning if I should even continue this visa process, do we love each other? I have no doubts about our love, its how can we deal with this seperation and no communication on top of it?? It's not as if he's within or has the same luxuries I have, face time and all these other forms of communication isn't available to him, is why I've traveled to see him so often, but that's becoming to expensive. What can we do to get back on track? Because we are losing the battle before the war begins..

What's an example of what you disagreed on?

[KTichUsZim 3]

Not having time to talk anymore, plan our future, 7 hour difference, and when we do talk its about what's wrong, instead of what's right!

[christeen 966]

Talking about your future is great, bt how about some living in your present? After not talking for 3 days I would think you would have things to talk about... Like "what have you been doing since we last talked"? "How you getting by without power"? "Tell me what your days have been like"? There would be a million things to talk about... Why do you feel the need to plan and discuss to death your future EVERY minute of conversations? Maybe your expectations of what to talk about need some re-prioritizing? If all you ever have to discuss is future (and that causes fights as it is) what you gonna talk about when he is here in the USA? Learn how to be interested in what each other are doing NOW, not just what you will do. Knowing each others daily lives NOW will help with the adjustment... Because believe it or. It, that is when the REAL communication challenges begin, when they are here and you are in real life, dealing with everyday stress, adjustment, homesickness etc... Don't waste your time fighting about stuff that haven't even happened yet!

[KTichUsZim 3]

Christeen, you have a point here and now is fine, but I've been married before, one thing couples don't do is find out the expectations of their future mate, so I've learned the hard way. I'm planning on traveling to his home land Zimbabwe next month to meet his parents and siblings. There is a whole host of things we need to discuss, but we seem to not be getting on well these days.

[christeen 966]

Based n your experience then, you should be aware that if your discussions of expectations are causing you to just fight, thats not healthy either... Whe LNG distance communication, time differences,mad connections are an issue, maybe you put less expectations in the conversations and just enjoy the fact you are able to talk to each other. Long distances and the visa process is waaaayyy harder than most can imagine, don't pile extra stress on top of it... And cultural differences only compound this (and it does not end when they arrive)... So I am just saying, try to take things more as they come and enjoy each other...

[KTichUsZim 3]

Update;

I'm ecstatic to report we have kissed (by phone) and made up, as many of you have written it just wasn't worth wasting our time bickering about things we can't change, and concentrate on what brought us together in the first place, how much we love and enjoy being together.

So many thanks for the input and support, I'm sure we will struggle in the future with this long waiting game we must play before we can officially be Mr. & MRS. But I know we can survive it and we not suffering this alone..

Thanks ALL ♥

[NikLR 13,227]

Glad to hear it.