I am struggling with my marriage. A small rant.

[FromPAUS 4]

For those of us married to a Chinese wife, I can with high probability say that no one else is in this guy's similar situation. I have said this a number of times that you can not really generalize Chinese women (maybe you can in those over 40 that lived during the Cultural Revolution), even though some people try to run off the list of the "traditional" qualities...blah, blah, blah. My wife is in nursing school and she does ignore me these days because she is very focused on doing her best, but she reminds me that we will make up the lost time and she takes breaks after exams for family time. I don't worry about what she is up to because we talk before we go to bed and she tells me about her day and the gossips she hears. This is a normal relationship and one that the OP should strive to look for some day, but it is not going to appear with this current woman. Unfortunately, she seems to have other ideas about what she wants in life and is using him as a vehicle.

The closest thing to this that I have seen is the "over-bearing" Chinese wife syndrome. However, I have only seen this in dual native Chinese couples living here in the US. I work at a medical school, so it is usually a male post-doc that has brought his wife along to the "land of Disney riches" to live on his $35K salary. Once the allure of America is gone and the reality of life on a budget sets in, the wife "encourages" the husband to finish his post-doc so that he can look for a lucrative industry or faculty position and make money. She may seem self-centered, but she is really looking out for the future of her family, even though it usually involves a lot of complaining about a lack of ability to buy a new iPad or Coach purse.....

garfield529, I absolutely agree with you. Your wife is more like a typical Chinese woman. Being a Chinese myself, I believe majority Chinese woman are good. Like you said, they are working hard and really focused on future of their family. The newer generation isn't money saver any more. They like to enjoy life and spend money. They consume a lot of brand name goodies. :-)

[somedude 6]

I know most of you propose ending it and even I have considered it many times. And every things get better and yet I get reminded of the past again. Somewhat graphic details. Just minutely graphic though.

That night I confronted her about the possible lie. She was upset, I was upset. After some shouting she calmed down. I was sitting there brooding and she came over to hug me. I immediately hugged her back with my arm at level with her ####. We talked and my hand was sweaty from leaving it on her #### so long. She said she understood why I do not trust her and she hopes I can let this go and move on with our relationship. I don't get it, she wasn't being very honest and was very defensive. And then she did her best to cheer me up. We even kissed a few times, then she said she couldn't stand my terrible breath anymore. I was eating garlic for dinner.

During the conversation, she mentioned that she is doing her best to adapt to my lifestyle to improve our relationship as long as it is something she can accept doing. She says she knows I love her very much and she really wants to be with me.

things were going okay I guess. then tonight a minor setback. she mentions her previously abstinent classmate is now 3 months pregnant. I mentioned that she told me that woman was abstinent and my wife said she never mentioned knowing any abstinent couples, which was supposedly the reason why she told me she doesn't want to have sex in the first place. Now I suspect that it was just some story she made up to sell the no sex idea. She said let it go, and okay I told her I will. But I know I will just remember this is another lie she told me.

I am hugging her the entire time trying to hide the fact that I am bothered by her either forgetfulness or deceit. Then she asked me "How long can you endure it?" I thought she meant not having sex, I asked her to clarify. She said "How long do you think you can keep up hugging me every night?" I said "When will I stop hugging you? "I won't stop until the day I die," She said its impossible. Shes getting ready to sleep and is tired. I kiss her on the lips and she suddenly mentions that she doesn't have an interest in kissing either. She lies down and is ready to sleep and start kissing her again and I could feel her kissing me back. She eventually stopped me saying "Do you know I have to sleep?" I continued to kiss her and she continued to kiss me back. Then she stopped me again "Now you made me have to pee". I remember one time at the beginning of the relationship

when we were kissing she stopped me saying "Now you made me wet." I at first thought she meant her mouth because of my saliva. She clarified. Now I can't help but think perhaps it happened again. She always stopped me whenever I made her "wet." So I let her sleep in peace.

Now that I think of it, when our relationship wasn't sour, she was always tired when she let me hug and kiss her.

Now I am typing this even more confused than before. My wife treats me better every passing day. She is more likely to answer my phone calls and reply to my texts now. At the worst part of the relationship she wouldn't let me touch her and now I am always hugging her and sometimes she will hug me just like the beginning of the relationship. In terms of physical intimacy it is getting close to level of intimacy we had at the beginning. I can accept the no sex part, but the thing is she is still not being very honest with me.

I don't know if this is relevant, but she has another pregnant classmate. Coincidentally both are pregnant chinese women in their 30's married to white men in their 40's. The second couple she discussed in more details with me. An unhappy marriage, which sounded a bit too similar to ours. I did hear bits and pieces when this classmate called her and my wife answered the phone in front of me, so some of what she said does in fact sound true. But I heard something that troubled me, she said to the classmate "i cannot solve my problem right now." All in mandarin of course which I only have a basic understanding of. This I can believe her and assume any similarities are just unfortunate coincidences. I mentioned it, and my wife said that relationship is worse than ours, because her classmate is getting ready to leave her husband with the child to China and never coming back.

She will get annoyed if I kiss her a lot, but not in a serious "don't touch me" tone but like "omg stop". And I will continue as if I heard nothing and she won't say anything except express annoyment every now and then. She says I am wasting my time just hugging and kissing her every night. But she never tells me to stop. Unless I touch her breasts which is currently a no touch zone. Then she will be seriously annoyed.

Edited December 4, 2013 by somedude

[Cliviania 8]

At the end of the day its your own decision...do whatever makes you happy.

One thing I will never tolerate is wasting precious time on a man who doesn't care enough to consider or respect my feelings...

You allow this woman to treat you the way she does.. Stop complaining and do something about it

WHAT HAVE YOU EFFECTIVELY DONE THUS FAR ABOUT HER?

At the end of the day its your own decision...do whatever makes you happy.

One thing I will never tolerate is wasting precious time on a man who doesn't care enough to consider or respect my feelings...

You allow this woman to treat you the way she does.. Stop complaining and do something about it

WHAT HAVE YOU EFFECTIVELY DONE THUS FAR ABOUT HER?

[TBoneTX 46,455]

My thought during this entire thread has been this: All the loving, emotionally available women in the world, and you're throwing good effort after bad with THIS one?

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I am going to have to bow out giving further input because I simply can not relate to a marriage where I am not

allowed to be intimate and that is not consummated.

That is too bizarre for me to even compute.

Whatever floats your boat though. It is your life and your tolerance level is your own as well as your

expectations and if a sexless marriage is your cup of tea then it is what it is.

I can't relate at all neither do I understand it so my advice wouldn't help you.

[rhein 452]

I am going to have to bow out giving further input because I simply can not relate to a marriage where I am not

allowed to be intimate and that is not consummated.

That is too bizarre for me to even compute.

Whatever floats your boat though. It is your life and your tolerance level is your own as well as your

expectations and if a sexless marriage is your cup of tea then it is what it is.

I can't relate at all neither do I understand it so my advice wouldn't help you.

This. I am unfollowing this thread. I'm sorry, I think you are neither altogether healthy nor rational to even consider staying in such a 'relationship.' While sex is not everything in marriage, it is a vital component. Without it, at best, you've got a roommate and friend, not a wife.

The only thing I can think of is that this is your first 'girlfriend' and you simply don't know what to do. Well, you've been given some great advice here, but you seem to prefer the masochistic route. My final advice to you, is don't make this mistake. I wasted almost 5 years with my first wife when I was in my 20s. I wish I'd had a place like this to turn to for advice back then.

I've had more than a couple previous marriages, and a lot of relationships. It took me all of those and all that time to find the person I am truly happy and compatible with. It was worth it, and I'm so glad I didn't stay with someone who made me miserable. Sexual incompatibility is as much a relationship killer as psychosis (yep, I've had exes with each of those). In both cases, they were concealed from me until we were already well into the relationship. I walked out on a marriage for her pulling a 'bait and switch;' that is, once we were married, the sex went from nearly constant to non-existent. 'I won't stay in a sexless marriage,' I told her as I walked out the door.

However, I have never been in a relationship where there was no sex at all. Oh wait, I have. That's called 'friendship.'

What I don't understand is why you would marry someone without having sex with them first anyway? This isn't the 19th century. Your situation is what happens when people behave as if it is.

Good bye and good luck.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

OP: Your wife doesn't like you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want you to touch her. She lies to you. She is keeping you on a short leash and unfortunately you are falling for it. You really think that class was rescheduled for Thanksgiving day? No one does anything on Thanksgiving. That should have been your first clue.

There was a guy on here years ago who was such a sucker that his scamming gf made a list of chores he had to do before they could have sex. Then when he finished that list she made anther list. Then another list. When he finally realized she was duping him and kicked her out, she said maybe they could have sex this time. He fell for it and really thought it would happen then. It never happened, obviously.

Your wife flat out told you that she is never having sex with you, and you are holding onto the promise that she might? To make a baby in 10 years?

Don't be that guy.

And for all relationships, keep your mouth and body clean. Old garlic breath won't help with someone who likes you either.

Edited December 4, 2013 by Harpa Timsah

[John J 10]

A blind man on a gallopping horse can see your marriage is over.

Saddle up and move on.

Edited December 4, 2013 by John F

[FromPAUS 4]

Can't image a marriage without sex and without touching private parts. That's beauty of relationship. The beauty of human nature. If you allow those happen to you, you shouldn't complaint those in here. Maybe you need to get some advice to get strong and be a man.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

OP, this will be my last response on this as I am not going to fuel this. Why in the hell are you writing this as if you're writing a novel with all the spoiler silly stuff? This is life buddy, you only get one pass at it, no reruns or do overs.

I left a 14 year marraige with 4 kids fully knowing that it's going to hurt emotionally and financially, and boy it did. But I am a much happier Man now. The old adage of no pain no gain is true.

You're wasting your future away with this Woman.

Man up.

Good luck on your future.

[christeen 966]

Yes, she is really NOT into yo at all... I might venture to guess possibly not into men all that much as revulsion is usually not a common reaction to a mans touch. This one is waaaay out of my comprehension... You need to decide what your happiness is valued at and how much if a doormat you will allow someone to treat you without the possibility for getting anything remotely resembling affection. Sounds like you have a lonely life ahead of you... I am so sorry

[fantonledzepp 159]

It's all been said.

The best thing for your happiness is to end the relationship.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

Good read for easily manipulated people who are being 'gaslighted' and begin to doubt their own sanity

and can't distinguish between what is abuse and what is not anymore and lost all empowerment of

decision making in regards what is best for them. Good read for anyone really.

[psv57 88]

God gave us our instincts and we too often ignore them. The fact that you are posting here and questioning, your instincts are telling you something is not right. Trust it. She is not into you and that is not going to change unless there is some serious counseling starting now to find the reasons. Even so, therapy can only work if both parties truly want it to work and are 100 percent honest...well track record of your wife seems to be to cover it up and be nice when she sees no way out. So nope, counseling won't work too. Someone suggested the "mother" talk...I'm not from the culture so not sure but worth seeing if someone would talk to her. I truly don't think this woman is interested in this marriage at all though. Just trust your instincts and walk away. Please don't make any more excuses for her behavior towards you. And as for her saying when you kiss her that she got to "pee"...She may just be using that as a way to show she gets turned on by you to keep you thinking she is interested in you. Actions speak louder.. If she truly was into you that way, then you would be living a truly married life with a progression at least towards sexual relationship. It's not like you and her can't use protection if she doesn't want to get pregnant....

trust your instincts...

[somedude 6]

Probably going to be my final post since I know everyone is sick and tired of reading what I am writing. but for the divorce, how do I go through with this? Just hire a lawyer and go straight for the divorce? Do I need to do firsthand preparation? Empty out my bank accounts? I have some bonds but they are nowhere near the 20-30 year maturity date. Still over 10-15 years away. Informing her of my intentions sounds like the right thing to do, but then that means she has time to prepare right? Both of us has to sign so I have to tell her at some point right?

Probably better should seek a lawyer to discuss this and not here right?