I am struggling with my marriage. A small rant.

[christeen 966]

Different cultures, different dynamics... I say at least give the momma thing a try? Why not? That would be the most efficient route to get to her via her family... If that doesn't change things then there are bigger root issues you are dealing with...

[Dan from MI 23]

hey somedude.

I had a longish thought about your situation, digging back in my memory of 'known families' across the pond, and I want to suggest this to you...

Engage with your Mother about this, tell her not to expect any grandchildren from this woman,

unless and until,

your Wife's mother lays down the 'law'.

Plant that this weekend, wait 2 weeks, and let us know what happens. I'm not going to write here about the mother connections and how powerful they can be, but I think you already know.

Not holding my breath. Sure, mother connection can be powerful but this woman sounds like she made up her mind a while ago

[TR&ZY 5]

Wow. I feel bad for ya..I really do!

But one thing is. YOUR TOO NICE! Its like you make excuses for her, with I understand, I get it, so on and blah blah. Look you need to be talking to her! Everything you are saying in this post.. Tell her your true feelings. Dont tell her you get it, I understand it or whatever when you dont! Stop dodging the situation that makes you uncomfortable. A good relationship talks about everything! Even the uncomfortable issues! Because I dont want either my fiancee or I to ever have to bottle up our true feelings.

Maybe you already have talked to her. Maybe you are insecure or controling and that is pushing her away. Maybe she in fact is using you, and not into you. But the way I look at it is, she should be able to talk to you and you talk to her about the issues that are bothering the both of you WITHOUT getting mad or defensive. I learned in life, just be upfront and honest with your feelings. You dont have to be mean or rude about it, but why hold back your true feelings.. If you do it in a right way, and the person still gets defensive and upset...well maybe the truth hurts.

But if your going to file for divorce, do not be nice and let her know. Just file and have her served and follow through! Time for talking is over once you file for divorce, as she seems the type that will want to talk once served. Then, If your paying for her cell service. Shut it off, she has a job. Not like she uses it to communicate with you anyways. Also, yeah dont have kids with her.. big mistake if you do! Besides sounds like shes getting it from someone else.

Good Luck!

[Darnell 8,478]

Get your momma to fix your problems,yeah right.. all this ####### you're going through should have never happend in the first place. get out while you can, start over dont waste more of your life trying fix this.. if it starts out this bad theres only one thing to do. RUN! RUN VERY FAST.DONT LOOK BACK THERES WORLD FULL OF WOMEN THAT WILL TREAT YOU BETTER, GO FIND YOU ONE!!

Different culture, so different approach.

Is ok if you think to discount it - trust me - it's not discountable and in fact,

is very powerful.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Different culture, so different approach.

Is ok if you think to discount it - trust me - it's not discountable and in fact,

is very powerful.

I agree , will defintely work in Nigeria, at least in the Yoruba tribe.

Grand kids, soonish after marraige, are a big deal.

[Caryh 5,206]

Different culture, so different approach.

Is ok if you think to discount it - trust me - it's not discountable and in fact,

is very powerful.

In many cultures this is the case. But do you really think this one can be saved? This sounds too far away from being a real marriage, but I'm no China culture expert.

[christeen 966]

In many cultures this is the case. But do you really think this one can be saved? This sounds too far away from being a real marriage, but I'm no China culture expert.

Every marriage is worth it to at least give it a try... To not try is 100% guarantee of failure...

[Caryh 5,206]

Every marriage is worth it to at least give it a try... To not try is 100% guarantee of failure...

Sounds to me like only one of them considered themselves married. Never being consummated tells me this marriage is on paper and only on paper so far.

And believe me, I'm all for saving any marriage that can be saved, but in this case the marriage has yet to even start.

[christeen 966]

Sounds to me like only one of them considered themselves married. Never being consummated tells me this marriage is on paper and only on paper so far.

And believe me, I'm all for saving any marriage that can be saved, but in this case the marriage has yet to even start.

Before giving up on anything I think the OP deserves, for his own piece of mind in knowing he truly tried... Every marriage is worth trying... If you give up without doing that, you will always have the question in your head "did I do everything I could"? The marriage may not have started for her, but it obviously started for,him. I say give the cultural "talk to mother" a try... At least he might get some resolution in his mind. Never give up without trying.

[Caryh 5,206]

Before giving up on anything I think the OP deserves, for his own piece of mind in knowing he truly tried... Every marriage is worth trying... If you give up without doing that, you will always have the question in your head "did I do everything I could"? The marriage may not have started for her, but it obviously started for,him. I say give the cultural "talk to mother" a try... At least he might get some resolution in his mind. Never give up without trying.

Guy gets married, guy goes to the wedding bed, bride says no no no, equals annulment as the marriage was completed in just about every culture I know of. She might as well had said no to the wedding vows, as she apparently had no intent on keeping them. The guy is obviously in love, but the woman it sounds like no more than free plane fare and green card. At least most scammers taking a man for a ride would have at least giving him sex to maintain the pretext it was a real marriage. This woman didn't even do that. Is he even sure she is a woman?

[Darnell 8,478]

In many cultures this is the case. But do you really think this one can be saved? This sounds too far away from being a real marriage, but I'm no China culture expert.

Unsure, if can be saved. Won't know for certain, till we hear of the outcome of the two mothers confab.

I'm with-holding other comments till we hear back from somedude. Sure, it might be 2 weeks, but hei !

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

Every marriage is worth it to at least give it a try... To not try is 100% guarantee of failure...

Even if he bends and saves it he will be miserable..

OP: As far as the "options" you have given.. Don't play the game, be direct, be honest. You can't manipulate a person to feel or act a certain way for the long term. You have lost trust in her which will make your life miserable moving forward. Put all your cards on the table with her knowing it will most likely end the relationship...

[Caryh 5,206]

Unsure, if can be saved. Won't know for certain, till we hear of the outcome of the two mothers confab.

I'm with-holding other comments till we hear back from somedude. Sure, it might be 2 weeks, but hei !

I just know how I'd take it, in the same situation. I'm not sure how a man from Chinese culture would take this situation. I would think even in their culture this would sound like a dire situation though.

[Big Baby 11]

Best wishes. Agree with multiple posts to get professional help. I'd say either she should be willing to see a marriage counselor with you or else you should find another wife. I'm American-American and my wife is Chinese-Chinese. Her word is her bond, and my word is my bond. There is no cultural clash. Either she is honest or she is not. Either she loves you or she doesn't.

[garfield529 47]

I just know how I'd take it, in the same situation. I'm not sure how a man from Chinese culture would take this situation. I would think even in their culture this would sound like a dire situation though.

For those of us married to a Chinese wife, I can with high probability say that no one else is in this guy's similar situation. I have said this a number of times that you can not really generalize Chinese women (maybe you can in those over 40 that lived during the Cultural Revolution), even though some people try to run off the list of the "traditional" qualities...blah, blah, blah. My wife is in nursing school and she does ignore me these days because she is very focused on doing her best, but she reminds me that we will make up the lost time and she takes breaks after exams for family time. I don't worry about what she is up to because we talk before we go to bed and she tells me about her day and the gossips she hears. This is a normal relationship and one that the OP should strive to look for some day, but it is not going to appear with this current woman. Unfortunately, she seems to have other ideas about what she wants in life and is using him as a vehicle.

The closest thing to this that I have seen is the "over-bearing" Chinese wife syndrome. However, I have only seen this in dual native Chinese couples living here in the US. I work at a medical school, so it is usually a male post-doc that has brought his wife along to the "land of Disney riches" to live on his $35K salary. Once the allure of America is gone and the reality of life on a budget sets in, the wife "encourages" the husband to finish his post-doc so that he can look for a lucrative industry or faculty position and make money. She may seem self-centered, but she is really looking out for the future of her family, even though it usually involves a lot of complaining about a lack of ability to buy a new iPad or Coach purse.....