I am struggling with my marriage. A small rant.

[Cathi 5,771]

She used you to get here, it's very obvious. Time to cut your losses and move on quickly. After seeing the photos from the parade and after all the lying she did to cover it up, there would be no other option I were you. Get an annulment ASAP.

[Jon and Krissy 452]

I just read the OP.

OMFG! Dude - DUMP her and get the hell out NOW! OMFG!

Just...get out of that situation, and find a woman who actually loves you.

An unconsumated marriage? For real?

The whole thing sounds...insane.

[Ralph and Meghan 19]

Reading this story makes me believe she has a life next to yours. If you still love her i would go for counseling. But i would be preparing for the worst.

Married live is all about trust. If you don't trust her and she doesn't do anything to improve. It's over. It sounds hard but that's life.

[canusa920 11]

Not sure which forum to post in. I just want to let some steam out and maybe seek some advice.

I am US born Chinese and she is China born Chinese. So no doubt there are a lot of cultural clash issues. Both of our families are close so I assumed that there would be no risk of deceit. I have mixed feelings. I can see that she is trying to make an effort to fit in with my family and our lifestyle. But there are some things about her that seem contradictory. She is very independent and is now working and studying english. But she rarely takes the time to talk with me, but will talk with my parents. So maybe my communication skills could use some work, ok. I call her phone, send her text messages. She always says shes busy, or wasn't near the phone and missed it. But when we are both home, I see her glued to her phone and instantly replying to her friends. We often have fights because she says I am too controlling, and selfish. Which is true, but she barely tells me about her day, does not pick up the phone when she is coming home late. She will come home and say "Oh you called me? I didn't notice". Every now and then, I get it she is busy. But every single time? Come on. So I have many faults, okay I admit it, who doesn't? Whenever I talk about her faults, she says that is just the lifestyle she is used to. She often blames me, says I am the husband. I am supposed to be the bigger person and be more generous and be more trusting of her.

I am very conflicted, because at times I feel she really wants to work things out. But I often notice the inconsistencies in her words and actions.

Just now I had a big fight with her.

My family made plans for thanksgiving. Last week my wife said she cannot make it because she has english class. but she said the school is closed. But she said the teacher set up a class in ANOTHER school. Sounds strange but ok no problem. She tells me shes meeting with her non-chinese classmate (relevant soon) so she does not get lost. Okay no problem. I snuggle up beside her while she is on her laptop and I inadvertently notice she messaging someone on qq in chinese to wait for her. At a location completely different from she mentioned before. I subtlety (maybe I wasn't) ask her again where is she meeting the non-chinese friend. She accidentally said the location she is meeting the chinese friend but immediately corrects herself. I act confused, she said, oh she was just distracted. So she does not want to talk about the second person. She needs her privacy, okay no problem.

This morning, I offer to accompany her to school and she has a strongly adverse reaction. I said I wanted to spend some more time with her and meet her friend. She insists my spending time with my family is more important than her, but also says she absolutely must go to school despite family being so important. She asked why do I not trust her. She said she is really going to school and meeting with her non-chinese classmate. Okay, okay, just more and more odd things that I notice. She says she cannot find her wallet and asks me for money.

I go home and look for her wallet and find her student ID.

Now I am furious. I call her many times then she says she was in the middle of class and asked me what is wrong. I confront her about the student id and second meeting location. She says that she is in school and met up with multiple classmates and doesn't understand why she had to mention the other classmates. And said that I have problems and am being very selfish. For the ID, she said she didn't want to call me to bring her her ID and causing me so much trouble. I said I am your husband, why would it be troublesome? What's wrong with mentioning her meeting up with her other classmates? And she never even told me she had chinese classmates, she told me they were all non-chinese. Now suddenly she has a bunch of chinese classmates. Two of them being named "Jennifer (she has a coworker named Jennifer but hey its a common name) and "Croissant" (I do not know if she mispronounced it or was just pulling at straws at this point). She had ample opportunity to mention that she was meeting up with several other classmates.

The perfect ones being

1. When she first told me she could not make it

2. When she accidentally mentioned the second meeting location

3. When I was walking her to subway

I can come to two conclusions.

A. She is incredibly secretive and forgetful and unlucky and this is just a slew of bad luck, and misunderstandings.

B. She lied to me, I called her bluff and she continued to lie, and I confronted her and she still continued to lie. Part of it? All of it? I do not know.

Truthfully I had my doubts this relationship would work out from the very beginning but I wanted to be optimistic and ignore those little nagging thoughts. But now those little problems have amounted to a big pile. I had previously said I wanted her to leave and she kept saying I just misunderstood and I need to give her time to get used to my lifestyle. And I can feel her treating me better, but it is hard to forget the past. I am sure she is trying to change and be with me, but I can not help to think if she really loved me, she would have started doing this from the very beginning and not waiting for me to be upset with her.

So does she want to be with me? Or has ulterior motives? I feel like shes is not doing a convincing job either way.

She also dropped a bomb on me a few days ago.

She does not want to have babies until she finishes college and gets a good job. She is still learning ESL and struggling at basic english. So that is going to take what 5-7 years? And she does not want to have sex except to have babies. Our marriage was never consummated. She said she wanted to wait, okay no problem. But now she is saying we will have sex like 2 or 3 times and that is it. She said she might be interested in sex after giving birth. But damn, I would have to wait almost a decade for her to maybe be interested in sex? And probably never going to happen again? I thought this was supposed to happen when you have been married for decades AND after having an active sex life in the first few years. She said she hope this does not affect our relationship and it would be a pity if our relationship ends because of abstinence

here are my main thoughts and course of actions.

1.Be optimistic. Nothing in life is easy, struggling is a necessity. So I have to push on and try to make things work despite everything. And assume everything works out in the long run.

2. Be realistic. Do not give it my all, but do not give up. Do not get attached and remember the relationship may or may not work out.

3. Be pessimistic. Assume its over. Been over. Move towards divorce proceedings asap.

4. Be passive-aggressive. Pretend everything will work out, but I know in my heart its not going to work out and just try to make the present more comfortable then go for the divorce after the green card interview inevitably fails since we have no relationship evidence aside from one joint checking account, soon to be tax returns, and a handful of pictures which I forced her to take with me.

1 would be hard and stressful, 2 seems to be the optimal path, 3 seems a bit rash but maybe be better in the long run, and 4 is a cruel thing to do considering I promised to love her and take care of her forever.

Do I have feelings for her? Of course, I was very happy at the beginning and she appeared to be happy too. But instead now its a sort of bittersweetness. And I am afraid it will spiral into resentment.

Coming from someone who was lied to constantly, and used... I would agree and say it's in your best interest to find a girl who genuienly wants to be around you and your family. If someone is in love and has nothing to hide, they wouldn't be secretive. I tell my husband everything.

Im sorry you're going through this, you can private message me anytime - I am a licensed couples counsellor.

Good luck,

Katie

Not sure which forum to post in. I just want to let some steam out and maybe seek some advice.

I am US born Chinese and she is China born Chinese. So no doubt there are a lot of cultural clash issues. Both of our families are close so I assumed that there would be no risk of deceit. I have mixed feelings. I can see that she is trying to make an effort to fit in with my family and our lifestyle. But there are some things about her that seem contradictory. She is very independent and is now working and studying english. But she rarely takes the time to talk with me, but will talk with my parents. So maybe my communication skills could use some work, ok. I call her phone, send her text messages. She always says shes busy, or wasn't near the phone and missed it. But when we are both home, I see her glued to her phone and instantly replying to her friends. We often have fights because she says I am too controlling, and selfish. Which is true, but she barely tells me about her day, does not pick up the phone when she is coming home late. She will come home and say "Oh you called me? I didn't notice". Every now and then, I get it she is busy. But every single time? Come on. So I have many faults, okay I admit it, who doesn't? Whenever I talk about her faults, she says that is just the lifestyle she is used to. She often blames me, says I am the husband. I am supposed to be the bigger person and be more generous and be more trusting of her.

I am very conflicted, because at times I feel she really wants to work things out. But I often notice the inconsistencies in her words and actions.

Just now I had a big fight with her.

My family made plans for thanksgiving. Last week my wife said she cannot make it because she has english class. but she said the school is closed. But she said the teacher set up a class in ANOTHER school. Sounds strange but ok no problem. She tells me shes meeting with her non-chinese classmate (relevant soon) so she does not get lost. Okay no problem. I snuggle up beside her while she is on her laptop and I inadvertently notice she messaging someone on qq in chinese to wait for her. At a location completely different from she mentioned before. I subtlety (maybe I wasn't) ask her again where is she meeting the non-chinese friend. She accidentally said the location she is meeting the chinese friend but immediately corrects herself. I act confused, she said, oh she was just distracted. So she does not want to talk about the second person. She needs her privacy, okay no problem.

This morning, I offer to accompany her to school and she has a strongly adverse reaction. I said I wanted to spend some more time with her and meet her friend. She insists my spending time with my family is more important than her, but also says she absolutely must go to school despite family being so important. She asked why do I not trust her. She said she is really going to school and meeting with her non-chinese classmate. Okay, okay, just more and more odd things that I notice. She says she cannot find her wallet and asks me for money.

I go home and look for her wallet and find her student ID.

Now I am furious. I call her many times then she says she was in the middle of class and asked me what is wrong. I confront her about the student id and second meeting location. She says that she is in school and met up with multiple classmates and doesn't understand why she had to mention the other classmates. And said that I have problems and am being very selfish. For the ID, she said she didn't want to call me to bring her her ID and causing me so much trouble. I said I am your husband, why would it be troublesome? What's wrong with mentioning her meeting up with her other classmates? And she never even told me she had chinese classmates, she told me they were all non-chinese. Now suddenly she has a bunch of chinese classmates. Two of them being named "Jennifer (she has a coworker named Jennifer but hey its a common name) and "Croissant" (I do not know if she mispronounced it or was just pulling at straws at this point). She had ample opportunity to mention that she was meeting up with several other classmates.

The perfect ones being

1. When she first told me she could not make it

2. When she accidentally mentioned the second meeting location

3. When I was walking her to subway

I can come to two conclusions.

A. She is incredibly secretive and forgetful and unlucky and this is just a slew of bad luck, and misunderstandings.

B. She lied to me, I called her bluff and she continued to lie, and I confronted her and she still continued to lie. Part of it? All of it? I do not know.

Truthfully I had my doubts this relationship would work out from the very beginning but I wanted to be optimistic and ignore those little nagging thoughts. But now those little problems have amounted to a big pile. I had previously said I wanted her to leave and she kept saying I just misunderstood and I need to give her time to get used to my lifestyle. And I can feel her treating me better, but it is hard to forget the past. I am sure she is trying to change and be with me, but I can not help to think if she really loved me, she would have started doing this from the very beginning and not waiting for me to be upset with her.

So does she want to be with me? Or has ulterior motives? I feel like shes is not doing a convincing job either way.

She also dropped a bomb on me a few days ago.

She does not want to have babies until she finishes college and gets a good job. She is still learning ESL and struggling at basic english. So that is going to take what 5-7 years? And she does not want to have sex except to have babies. Our marriage was never consummated. She said she wanted to wait, okay no problem. But now she is saying we will have sex like 2 or 3 times and that is it. She said she might be interested in sex after giving birth. But damn, I would have to wait almost a decade for her to maybe be interested in sex? And probably never going to happen again? I thought this was supposed to happen when you have been married for decades AND after having an active sex life in the first few years. She said she hope this does not affect our relationship and it would be a pity if our relationship ends because of abstinence

here are my main thoughts and course of actions.

1.Be optimistic. Nothing in life is easy, struggling is a necessity. So I have to push on and try to make things work despite everything. And assume everything works out in the long run.

2. Be realistic. Do not give it my all, but do not give up. Do not get attached and remember the relationship may or may not work out.

3. Be pessimistic. Assume its over. Been over. Move towards divorce proceedings asap.

4. Be passive-aggressive. Pretend everything will work out, but I know in my heart its not going to work out and just try to make the present more comfortable then go for the divorce after the green card interview inevitably fails since we have no relationship evidence aside from one joint checking account, soon to be tax returns, and a handful of pictures which I forced her to take with me.

1 would be hard and stressful, 2 seems to be the optimal path, 3 seems a bit rash but maybe be better in the long run, and 4 is a cruel thing to do considering I promised to love her and take care of her forever.

Do I have feelings for her? Of course, I was very happy at the beginning and she appeared to be happy too. But instead now its a sort of bittersweetness. And I am afraid it will spiral into resentment.

Coming from someone who was lied to constantly, and used... I would agree and say it's in your best interest to find a girl who genuienly wants to be around you and your family. If someone is in love and has nothing to hide, they wouldn't be secretive. I tell my husband everything.

Im sorry you're going through this, you can private message me anytime - I am a licensed couples counsellor.

Good luck,

Katie

[FromPAUS 4]

We had a cht and she insisted she went to class. I happen to know her phone password and checked her phone while she was showering. Lo and behold I see pictures of the Macy's thanksgiving parade which was 9am to 12pm, the same time as her supposed rescheduled ESL class. I see this after she berated her for not trusting her and not doing my best to make her happy. All lies.

1 and 2 are no longer viable options. She continued to lie to my face as I hug her and hold her hand. Whatever her reasons for lying to me, all I can know I can never trust her

Hey, dude,

I may have a different view on this. There are many kids don't do what parents tell them to do. Most of time they just tell lie to their parents. Why? that's how kids protect themselves. Something in relationship, like you said,your are a dominate person. She doesn't want to follow everything you said and she still want to do her things. The best thing she can do is use lie to make peace out of it. Unless she across the line of marriage. I don't think it is that bad. What I see this is that you need two need to start over again. You need to give her more freedom and let her realize you are a new man now. What to respect her choice and don't be freed of you.

I want to share with you my personal experience. I found out that my fiancee lied to me a few times in the past. I was really frustrated at beginning. Same as you, I just don't understand why? I even called her parents to find out why. her explanations are really simply, I don't want you to be upset. Well, it was kind of true though. She is young, beautiful, and lives in a big city in China. There are a lot of night life. I live in Suburban Philadelphia and nothing after 8pm. Since we started dating, she started to cut her social circles, and try to go out less often. But sometime she cannot control herself, so she used very stupid lies try to cover up and she didn't have any success. About three months ago, once night, she told me she was tied and want to go to bed early. Next early morning I called her and she didn't pick up her cell. Then I called her parents, and they told me she went to her friends house last night. So I called her around noon and joked with her if she had a good time last night, etc. And I encourage her to go out more often since the marriage waiting game is boring. She felt so embarrassed. Since then, she stopped lie.

[Jon and Krissy 452]

Did you miss the part regarding that this is his wife, that he has never had sex with her, and she isn't interested in ever having sex except to reproduce, 5 or 10 years from now?

Hey, dude,

I may have a different view on this. There are many kids don't do what parents tell them to do. Most of time they just tell lie to their parents. Why? that's how kids protect themselves. Something in relationship, like you said,your are a dominate person. She doesn't want to follow everything you said and she still want to do her things. The best thing she can do is use lie to make peace out of it. Unless she across the line of marriage. I don't think it is that bad. What I see this is that you need two need to start over again. You need to give her more freedom and let her realize you are a new man now. What to respect her choice and don't be freed of you.

I want to share with you my personal experience. I found out that my fiancee lied to me a few times in the past. I was really frustrated at beginning. Same as you, I just don't understand why? I even called her parents to find out why. her explanations are really simply, I don't want you to be upset. Well, it was kind of true though. She is young, beautiful, and lives in a big city in China. There are a lot of night life. I live in Suburban Philadelphia and nothing after 8pm. Since we started dating, she started to cut her social circles, and try to go out less often. But sometime she cannot control herself, so she used very stupid lies try to cover up and she didn't have any success. About three months ago, once night, she told me she was tied and want to go to bed early. Next early morning I called her and she didn't pick up her cell. Then I called her parents, and they told me she went to her friends house last night. So I called her around noon and joked with her if she had a good time last night, etc. And I encourage her to go out more often since the marriage waiting game is boring. She felt so embarrassed. Since then, she stopped lie.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Coming from someone who was lied to constantly, and used... I would agree and say it's in your best interest to find a girl who genuienly wants to be around you and your family. If someone is in love and has nothing to hide, they wouldn't be secretive. I tell my husband everything.

Im sorry you're going through this, you can private message me anytime - I am a licensed couples counsellor.

Good luck,

Katie

Coming from someone who was lied to constantly, and used... I would agree and say it's in your best interest to find a girl who genuienly wants to be around you and your family. If someone is in love and has nothing to hide, they wouldn't be secretive. I tell my husband everything.

Im sorry you're going through this, you can private message me anytime - I am a licensed couples counsellor.

Good luck,

Katie

This....

Hey, dude,

I may have a different view on this. There are many kids don't do what parents tell them to do. Most of time they just tell lie to their parents. Why? that's how kids protect themselves. Something in relationship, like you said,your are a dominate person. She doesn't want to follow everything you said and she still want to do her things. The best thing she can do is use lie to make peace out of it. Unless she across the line of marriage. I don't think it is that bad. What I see this is that you need two need to start over again. You need to give her more freedom and let her realize you are a new man now. What to respect her choice and don't be freed of you.

I want to share with you my personal experience. I found out that my fiancee lied to me a few times in the past. I was really frustrated at beginning. Same as you, I just don't understand why? I even called her parents to find out why. her explanations are really simply, I don't want you to be upset. Well, it was kind of true though. She is young, beautiful, and lives in a big city in China. There are a lot of night life. I live in Suburban Philadelphia and nothing after 8pm. Since we started dating, she started to cut her social circles, and try to go out less often. But sometime she cannot control herself, so she used very stupid lies try to cover up and she didn't have any success. About three months ago, once night, she told me she was tied and want to go to bed early. Next early morning I called her and she didn't pick up her cell. Then I called her parents, and they told me she went to her friends house last night. So I called her around noon and joked with her if she had a good time last night, etc. And I encourage her to go out more often since the marriage waiting game is boring. She felt so embarrassed. Since then, she stopped lie.

Sir, that your acceptable includes being manipulated and lied to doesn't mean that it is socially accepted.

Did you miss the part regarding that this is his wife, that he has never had sex with her, and she isn't interested in ever having sex except to reproduce, 5 or 10 years from now?

Yeah I think he did.

[FromPAUS 4]

Did you miss the part regarding that this is his wife, that he has never had sex with her, and she isn't interested in ever having sex except to reproduce, 5 or 10 years from now?

How could that possible? After date awhile online, having sex is most people met 1st time face to face, right? Why he marry her if no sex.

[#143 3]

Why did you get married? Family pressure or romantic love?

If your marriage is sincerely based on romantic love, you both can make it work.

We all have our marital challenges as little as like/dislike for tooth-picking which can gradually lead to

divorce. Your case is better because you are both Chinese irrespective of the location you where born.

Both of you need to sit down and be sincere with yourselves. Ask yourselves deep questions in turns and give

answers to the various questions. Have you taken the time to examine yourself about how good you have been

to her,not necessarily the amount of money you had spent on her,do you allow her to air her views as your wife?

Yes you are the husband but you still need to show her love and respect. The truth is No counselor can help you make your home,

they can only advise you on what steps to take,they are not gonna take the steps for you. Its a decision both of you need to make.

Are you Judgmental,Do you listen to her? Think of what you would do to her that would make her crave for your presence.

NO FAMILY WITHOUT ITS CHALLENGE,we all manage it. No two individuals born by same parent and raised in the same environment that

are the same. We are all unique being and so we need to tolerate and understand ourselves more especially our wife.

They dont think the way men do, neither do they learn fast. They need to be taken one step at a time for a change to take place,and when they do change

then you would know that you have done a good job. Adults are not easy to re-mould,please understand this. If your present method of leading

her in your marital life is not working,retreat and use a different method. Remember, no man has ever travelled this road before and arrived at a destination

without hurdles,so we all are learning to be a better spouse as the day goes by. If you love her,you will accept her and work things out together BUT if the situation is life threatening, please RUN. All the best

[Kajikit 65]

She doesn't want to talk to you, spend time with you, or more importantly, be intimate with you... she has a whole other life she doesn't want you to be in on. How long have you been married? Because either a)she's lost interest in you and she's having an affair with someone else, or b)she was never really into you in the first place and you were a convenient way to get herself into the country. I'm sorry guy... but that's not a marriage. (the fact that your marriage was never even consummated is a dead giveaway that she was just using you...) after waiting a year or so to get a visa etc, the first thing most couples want to do when they FINALLY get into the same room together is to make mad monkey love and consequences be damned.

Edited November 30, 2013 by Kajikit

[Darnell 8,478]

hey somedude.

I had a longish thought about your situation, digging back in my memory of 'known families' across the pond, and I want to suggest this to you...

Engage with your Mother about this, tell her not to expect any grandchildren from this woman,

unless and until,

your Wife's mother lays down the 'law'.

Plant that this weekend, wait 2 weeks, and let us know what happens. I'm not going to write here about the mother connections and how powerful they can be, but I think you already know.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

hey somedude.

I had a longish thought about your situation, digging back in my memory of 'known families' across the pond, and I want to suggest this to you...

Engage with your Mother about this, tell her not to expect any grandchildren from this woman,

unless and until,

your Wife's mother lays down the 'law'.

Plant that this weekend, wait 2 weeks, and let us know what happens. I'm not going to write here about the mother connection said and how powerful they can be, but I think you already know.

If it's anything like Nigerian culture then the mom will arrange her departure.

[Darnell 8,478]

That's certainly one possible outcome.

However, there can be another, or even 4 possible outcomes, after getting the mothers to confab about this.

[robbie jeannet 5]

Get your momma to fix your problems,yeah right.. all this ####### you're going through should have never happend in the first place. get out while you can, start over dont waste more of your life trying fix this.. if it starts out this bad theres only one thing to do. RUN! RUN VERY FAST.DONT LOOK BACK THERES WORLD FULL OF WOMEN THAT WILL TREAT YOU BETTER, GO FIND YOU ONE!!

[Dan from MI 23]

Dude... I'm with everybody, it took me only 5 seconds to see that she is using you. The sex part was a dead give away. No healthy marriage is sex-less. Sorry but ditch her as soon as you got documents to back up your claims. That way your butt is covered if she tries to destroy your life.

After that, move on, life is too short and your real "half" is out there looking for you.