I am struggling with my marriage. A small rant.

[somedude 6]

We had a cht and she insisted she went to class. I happen to know her phone password and checked her phone while she was showering. Lo and behold I see pictures of the Macy's thanksgiving parade which was 9am to 12pm, the same time as her supposed rescheduled ESL class. I see this after she berated her for not trusting her and not doing my best to make her happy. All lies.

1 and 2 are no longer viable options. She continued to lie to my face as I hug her and hold her hand. Whatever her reasons for lying to me, all I can know I can never trust her.

[Datboybaeza 6]

Option 3, dont let her keep lying to you

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Spoiler #2 Huge red flag and a bunch of BS. She is not into you, manipulative and just plain nuts.

Sorry for what she is putting you through.

[vvvVein 7]

The no sex thing would be instant relationship killer for me. Dunno about you, but I oculdnt wait that long for it, be realistic with what you want

[Zeeshanish 9]

I agree with everyone...go with your gut feelings. The EXCUSE about no sex thing is a dead give away that something is definitely wrong. Sorry to read about your story!

This.

I am sorry but she seems very distant from you. Better pick option #3

[Bishop 6]

Letting go is never easy when YOU love someone. You're post sounds familiar wonder if she's related to my ex who did similar things; I had to remove my hand out the lions mouth (figure of speech). I agree with the others your marriage is not healthy and she sounds like she has a bag of excuses. STOP and think you are not getting younger, what's your worth? Your intuition tells you one thing but you convince yourself otherwise. You seem more that a concerned husband than controlling. You are well aware of what can happen to a person in a split second in the States. I think you may be looking for solid evidence, you may never get that. Actions speaks volume, anyone can say anything but actions dictates genuine feelings. You have feelings too and how long will you sit around and have sometime treat you this way? You must have self love and this decision may be hard but required it seems. We can give you advise but at the end of the day YOU have to decide what's right for you, and take the steps. You have doubt and hopes at the same time; life is about changes. I empathize with you but also would like to nudge you and say "you are worthy". Surround yourself with family and friends that love you their love shared with you will help you heal as you go through.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide, you seem like a nice guy. Another nice lady could be missing out on genuine love.

Edited November 29, 2013 by Bishop

[c12h22oh 11]

Not sure which forum to post in. I just want to let some steam out and maybe seek some advice.

I am US born Chinese and she is China born Chinese. So no doubt there are a lot of cultural clash issues. Both of our families are close so I assumed that there would be no risk of deceit. I have mixed feelings. I can see that she is trying to make an effort to fit in with my family and our lifestyle. But there are some things about her that seem contradictory. She is very independent and is now working and studying english. But she rarely takes the time to talk with me, but will talk with my parents. So maybe my communication skills could use some work, ok. I call her phone, send her text messages. She always says shes busy, or wasn't near the phone and missed it. But when we are both home, I see her glued to her phone and instantly replying to her friends. We often have fights because she says I am too controlling, and selfish. Which is true, but she barely tells me about her day, does not pick up the phone when she is coming home late. She will come home and say "Oh you called me? I didn't notice". Every now and then, I get it she is busy. But every single time? Come on. So I have many faults, okay I admit it, who doesn't? Whenever I talk about her faults, she says that is just the lifestyle she is used to. She often blames me, says I am the husband. I am supposed to be the bigger person and be more generous and be more trusting of her.

I am very conflicted, because at times I feel she really wants to work things out. But I often notice the inconsistencies in her words and actions.

Just now I had a big fight with her.

My family made plans for thanksgiving. Last week my wife said she cannot make it because she has english class. but she said the school is closed. But she said the teacher set up a class in ANOTHER school. Sounds strange but ok no problem. She tells me shes meeting with her non-chinese classmate (relevant soon) so she does not get lost. Okay no problem. I snuggle up beside her while she is on her laptop and I inadvertently notice she messaging someone on qq in chinese to wait for her. At a location completely different from she mentioned before. I subtlety (maybe I wasn't) ask her again where is she meeting the non-chinese friend. She accidentally said the location she is meeting the chinese friend but immediately corrects herself. I act confused, she said, oh she was just distracted. So she does not want to talk about the second person. She needs her privacy, okay no problem.

This morning, I offer to accompany her to school and she has a strongly adverse reaction. I said I wanted to spend some more time with her and meet her friend. She insists my spending time with my family is more important than her, but also says she absolutely must go to school despite family being so important. She asked why do I not trust her. She said she is really going to school and meeting with her non-chinese classmate. Okay, okay, just more and more odd things that I notice. She says she cannot find her wallet and asks me for money.

I go home and look for her wallet and find her student ID.

Now I am furious. I call her many times then she says she was in the middle of class and asked me what is wrong. I confront her about the student id and second meeting location. She says that she is in school and met up with multiple classmates and doesn't understand why she had to mention the other classmates. And said that I have problems and am being very selfish. For the ID, she said she didn't want to call me to bring her her ID and causing me so much trouble. I said I am your husband, why would it be troublesome? What's wrong with mentioning her meeting up with her other classmates? And she never even told me she had chinese classmates, she told me they were all non-chinese. Now suddenly she has a bunch of chinese classmates. Two of them being named "Jennifer (she has a coworker named Jennifer but hey its a common name) and "Croissant" (I do not know if she mispronounced it or was just pulling at straws at this point). She had ample opportunity to mention that she was meeting up with several other classmates.

The perfect ones being

1. When she first told me she could not make it

2. When she accidentally mentioned the second meeting location

3. When I was walking her to subway

I can come to two conclusions.

A. She is incredibly secretive and forgetful and unlucky and this is just a slew of bad luck, and misunderstandings.

B. She lied to me, I called her bluff and she continued to lie, and I confronted her and she still continued to lie. Part of it? All of it? I do not know.

Truthfully I had my doubts this relationship would work out from the very beginning but I wanted to be optimistic and ignore those little nagging thoughts. But now those little problems have amounted to a big pile. I had previously said I wanted her to leave and she kept saying I just misunderstood and I need to give her time to get used to my lifestyle. And I can feel her treating me better, but it is hard to forget the past. I am sure she is trying to change and be with me, but I can not help to think if she really loved me, she would have started doing this from the very beginning and not waiting for me to be upset with her.

So does she want to be with me? Or has ulterior motives? I feel like shes is not doing a convincing job either way.

She also dropped a bomb on me a few days ago.

She does not want to have babies until she finishes college and gets a good job. She is still learning ESL and struggling at basic english. So that is going to take what 5-7 years? And she does not want to have sex except to have babies. Our marriage was never consummated. She said she wanted to wait, okay no problem. But now she is saying we will have sex like 2 or 3 times and that is it. She said she might be interested in sex after giving birth. But damn, I would have to wait almost a decade for her to maybe be interested in sex? And probably never going to happen again? I thought this was supposed to happen when you have been married for decades AND after having an active sex life in the first few years. She said she hope this does not affect our relationship and it would be a pity if our relationship ends because of abstinence

here are my main thoughts and course of actions.

1.Be optimistic. Nothing in life is easy, struggling is a necessity. So I have to push on and try to make things work despite everything. And assume everything works out in the long run.

2. Be realistic. Do not give it my all, but do not give up. Do not get attached and remember the relationship may or may not work out.

3. Be pessimistic. Assume its over. Been over. Move towards divorce proceedings asap.

4. Be passive-aggressive. Pretend everything will work out, but I know in my heart its not going to work out and just try to make the present more comfortable then go for the divorce after the green card interview inevitably fails since we have no relationship evidence aside from one joint checking account, soon to be tax returns, and a handful of pictures which I forced her to take with me.

1 would be hard and stressful, 2 seems to be the optimal path, 3 seems a bit rash but maybe be better in the long run, and 4 is a cruel thing to do considering I promised to love her and take care of her forever.

Do I have feelings for her? Of course, I was very happy at the beginning and she appeared to be happy too. But instead now its a sort of bittersweetness. And I am afraid it will spiral into resentment.

Hey Guy how old are you? ... What just you explain to this forum is not possible to full underestanding that never happened to me in my friking live; if this is not a joke

you do not need advise from no body and stop chasing the golden goose, you brought her from china to USA and now you can not handle her not even sex .. What in hell are you going looking for the magic formula to fix it.... THIS RELATIONS DID NOT WORK OUT; REGARDLESS THE CONSEQUENCES. "SHE USED YOU TO ARRIVE TO USA"

YOU CAN TAKE THE MONKEY FROM THE JUNGLE... BUT YOU NEVER TAKE THE JUNGLE FROM THE MONKEY

您可以借此从猴子的丛林......但您绝对不能把从弱肉强食的猿猴

Edited November 29, 2013 by c12h22oh

[D N Medellin COL 75]

To the OP, a good liar needs a good memory which she does not have (I re-read the Spoiler #1). Sorry to say she has no interest in your relationship. But now please be very careful and plan your exit plan otherwise more drama is in store and the cost in financial, emotional and energy will be enormus.

Good luck.

[madtownguy 164]

If you've never had sex you should be able to get an annulment. Divorce sucks. I agree with the popular opinion, it is over and sounds like it never was there to begin with. It will all work out for the best just stay positive, there's a lot of fish in the ocean...

[Shiobhan 235]

Oh I thought she was a little selfish, and u were a little manipulating

and was about to mention some counseling and time, until I read the spoiler

Are U sure this girl isn't a lesbian & marry U to satisfy the folks from the old

country but keeping up a front is too much for her? really, think about the girl

has no interest in sex with you, wants to keep U around, (I don't think for a GC

she has family here) she's obviously cheating, seem U are there for show,best

you call it quits no matter what the families says.

[ir0nK1visa 2]

Since I failed to try this before my marriage blew up right in front of me, I will always suggest to go to a counselor. Maybe, there is some underlying problem(s) that you are not saying here, for many reasons and most likely personal. I am not saying that you are lying, but more-so there is another side to the story we will not know about.

I suggest you avoid being with her alone as much as possible, this could become a DV issue, then your hands are completely tied and your life in essence completely messed up, screwed. In the end should you feel strong enough about it and think counseling is not worth the effort, #3 should be the path taken.

[Jamericanlove 31]

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, but I agree with the previous comments. I also encourage you to plan your separation from this person carefully as she may try to turn it into a VAWA situation if she becomes desperate. She clearly has no issues with lying to you, so I doubt she would have a problem lying to others either. See if you can gather as much evidence as you can while you are still on good terms just in case she wants to try anything. And also, maybe when you talk about ending it, it should be in the presence of a neutral third party or in a public place. Good luck.

[lost_at_sea 995]

We had a cht and she insisted she went to class. I happen to know her phone password and checked her phone while she was showering. Lo and behold I see pictures of the Macy's thanksgiving parade which was 9am to 12pm, the same time as her supposed rescheduled ESL class. I see this after she berated her for not trusting her and not doing my best to make her happy. All lies.

1 and 2 are no longer viable options. She continued to lie to my face as I hug her and hold her hand. Whatever her reasons for lying to me, all I can know I can never trust her.

Ugh. I'm sorry, but at least you probably feel less crazy now. You were right to be suspicious. Something like a parade is exactly the sort I'd thing you could have gone along to with her if it was all innocent, but she's clearly up to no good or just doesn't want you around. Ugh.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Ugh. I'm sorry, but at least you probably feel less crazy now. You were right to be suspicious. Something like a parade is exactly the sort I'd thing you could have gone along to with her if it was all innocent, but she's clearly up to no good or just doesn't want you around. Ugh.

Wifey is also in English class. If she had her way I'll be sitting in the waiting room for her for 2 hours.

I never can understand folks that come 8n and after being separated for months who suddenly want to be private like.

OP, did you folks date?

[Brc 14]

Document, document, document. Don't get into it with her anymore - no more emotional investment. Time to protect your interests and ensure she has no possibility of turning this around and making it about you, legally or otherwise. Stay calm, get legal advice immediately, end it quickly. An annulment if available is your best route.