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African male culture...

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Filed: Timeline

I have been reading all the posts from this thread. I have enjoyed it a lot. Since someone has mentioned something about premarital counseling, my pastor emailed me a couple months ago, about 22 lessons of premarital counseling for Kwabena and I. We have been doing them over the phone and after he gets here, we'll do some with the pastor. But these lessons are great, I could have never imagined talking about all these things before getting married. It has really given us the opportunity to grow and know each other better. It is better to discuss all these things before marriage, rather then after. If anyone wants the lessons, I can email them to you. Don't think they are only for before the marriage, because my pastor has been married many years and they have began to do the lessons too. Ok so anyone, if you will like to have them, send me your email, I believe you'll really enjoy.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Nigeria
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If you send me your address in a private post I have the most AWESOME bible-based book on Family and Marriage. I will send it to you for free.

La Verdadera y El Sincero - Siempre

2005 - 2006 Spent falling in love

22 May 2006 My journey to Nigeria

24 May 2006 David proposes to me

9 June 2006 Mailed I129F to TSC

30 June 2006 NOA-1

Case Transferred to CSC

27 July 2006 Touched

5 Sept 2006 Called USCIS for case / IMBRA status

14 Sept 2006 Touched

19 Sept 2006 Touched Again!

23 Sept 2006 Received IMBRA RFE by postal mail (postmarked 20 Sept 2006)

25 Sept 2006 Response to IMBRA RFE sent Priority Mail w/Delivery Confirmation

29 Sept 2006 Rec'd Email stating RFE received

1 Oct 2006 Touched - Same RFE rec'd message

17 Oct 2006 NOA-2 Rec'd via Email

23 Oct 2006 NOA-2 Rec'd via Postal Mail

9 Nov 2006 Email from NVC (response to my inquiry) w/NVC case# - file to Lagos 6 Nov

13 Nov 2006 Received NVC letter via Postal Mail

20 Nov 2006 Fiance went to Lagos Consulate- Interview Date Received

7 Feb 2007 Interview-VISA GRANTED!!! -

12 Feb 2007 Visa in Hand!!! ***Scheduled arrival 23 Feb 2007***

23 Feb 2007 Arrived JFK USA!!!

12 May 2007 Married

23 May 2007 Filed AOS

25 May 2007 Rec'd NOA1

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Filed: Country: Senegal
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I have been reading all the posts from this thread. I have enjoyed it a lot. Since someone has mentioned something about premarital counseling, my pastor emailed me a couple months ago, about 22 lessons of premarital counseling for Kwabena and I. We have been doing them over the phone and after he gets here, we'll do some with the pastor. But these lessons are great, I could have never imagined talking about all these things before getting married. It has really given us the opportunity to grow and know each other better. It is better to discuss all these things before marriage, rather then after. If anyone wants the lessons, I can email them to you. Don't think they are only for before the marriage, because my pastor has been married many years and they have began to do the lessons too. Ok so anyone, if you will like to have them, send me your email, I believe you'll really enjoy.

I am interested in the lessons and will pm you with my email address.

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Filed: Country: Senegal
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MONEY - Reading these post me make understand the money situation more. I was beginning to feel I was being taken for a ride, by having to pay most if not all of the bills, while he keeps his money to select what he pays. But now I understand more. I have recently given him the list of all the bills and he stored it somewhere, so we can cut confusion on how much HAS to go back out. But learning the financing/buying process has been a headache for me.

Communication - Our communication lines have been broken....lol Most of the time he misunderstands what I'm saying and don't bother to get a clarification. So it leads to his own assumption which 9 times out of 10 is wrong. So I am working on this. Sometimes when we have misunderstanding, I try to communicate with him and he will just sit there and look at me, never say a word. At first I thought it was that he was thinking of what to say. But now I believe he uses it to try to anger/hurt me, but I have learned to just walk away from it and pick it up when he is talking. Pick the more necessary important battles.

Has anyone did any martial counseling? I keep thinking maybe a neutral party could help, but then I don't know. I know someone told me that in Nigeria, the elders would get with the couple and talk with them and help them through the difficult times. But here I wouldn't want to put my family in a position to have to like or not like him for something we may be going through temporary. People are human and I rather not venture out to find out how they would react, if they react at all. But counseling is not out!!! I just want to say that the one African Female that I can say any and everything to, says all the time "that is how African Men are." And I don't think that is fair to say??

If anyone is in the Texas area I surely would like to communicate more about this and maybe they can share with me.

I can understand that you don't want your family involved in discussions about these

issues, I don't want to do that either.

Yes, elders are involved in assisting a couple with solutions to conflict. I have several African friends that I respect and hold in high esteem and would not mind at all to ask them for advice if we would come to a standstill in communiation. In counseling I think it would be fair and beneficial if the counseler or adviser has a cultural understanding.

After all, to me it is about blending our ways.

The African female saying : that is how African men are, is maybe at a loss for advice

herself.

With African females being more tolerant and accepting of the African male, not

questioning him much, just confirms our westernized issues that clash with theirs.

Especially in the poorer countries a women depends on the man for survival and

does whatever he says, it is he that has the education.

It may be quiet different in the bigger cities in W. Africa where woman are less submissive

and a little more used to a partnership.

So maybe our SO were expecting us to be more submissive ?

As was previously pointed out, the western womans higher status may be a little

hard to handle and needs some getting used to.

I think I need to go polish my shoes.......just kidding :D

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Nigeria
Timeline

Great topic, sorry I am so late getting here.

In order to prepare my Solo for life in America I am completely honest with him. I do the conversion for him on some of the basic things. I send him the phone records. When he heard what I make at my new job he got excited. Well I added it all up for him and then subtracted out the monthly household expenses. I am honest with him and tell him when I have no money and why I have none for calling. I have already made a budget to prepare for his arrival which means cutting back on phone calls and he has been wonderful at being respectful of it.

Nightlife - As we met due to my love of the nightlife and music we have been able to compromise. I do not go out as much as I used to prior to us meeting out of respect for his wishes. I realize that it is a big deal for him so I tell him ahead of time when I am going out and with the time difference I call when I get home so he knows I am safe. I have also let him speak over the phone to a few of my friends. He understands I will not put myself in harms way.

I think one of our BIGGEST issues is meeting in the middle of "me" vs "we". He likes to call in the morning or early afternoon his time, well it is the butt-crack of dawn in the states. He doesn't mind if I call him at 5am. However, I mind if he calls and wakes me at 5am as I have a demanding job working with people and can not be cranky. I work at night so getting too early of a start in the day is my downfall. He says its my right to call at that time of morning and I know that means its his right too. I know its hard for him but these past few weeks he has gotten better and the calls at least come at the time he knows I am getting children off to school.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Nigeria
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Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:

1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:

a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)

b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.

c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.

d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:

You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Kenya
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My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.


I believe that statement from someone who had posted earlier in this forum is simply the opinion of that person's husband. I believe a misconception needs to be cleared up. In Islam a Muslim man can marry from the people of the book which translates to Christians and Jews without them converting to Islam. To say that a Muslim man is using a Christian woman for a green card if she chooses not to convert to Islam is painting Muslim men who marry Christian women with a broad stereotypical brush. I am sure there are plenty of people who could say the same thing about any marriages by American women to foreign men, that most foreigners are only looking to come to America to get a green card, and that statement would be just as untrue.

Enough said on that but I did want to say that I think it would be beneficial for you to learn about your husband's religion and learn about marriage in Islam. I think this would be beneficial to you. Although you are right in believing culture plays a role in your or anyone else's marriage for that matter, what is the final word on marriage in Islam is the Quran. There are clear roles that the husband and the wife fulfill in a marriage based on Islam and I am not talking about servitude as some would have you believe concerning Muslim women and their marriage. I know of some books that would probably help you to understand your husband more concerning marriage in Islam, if you would like to have the titles please let me know and I will send you the titles and where you can purchase them online.

My husband is from East Africa just as your husband is, sure there are cultural things that can't help but be in our marriage since I am American and he is Kenyan and we bring both of our cultures and traditions to the table. One thing for sure though we have open dialog with one another and try not to let our cultures clash so to speak.

Your post covered a lot of different areas and I addressed only one part of your post but it is a huge part of your marriage that needs to be addressed. If your husband is a practicing Muslim then it is imperative to find out what he believes since Islam dictates how he should live his life and also, you should learn what is truly Islamic behavior and what is his own thing i.e. culture and tradition.

I hope this helps (F)

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Kenya
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By the way, sorry about not knowing how to put the quote into quotation marks I am still getting the hang of this. So the first paragraph is a quote I took from someone's post that I had a problem with.

Thanks!

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Filed: Country: Senegal
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Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:

1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:

a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)

b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.

c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.

d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:

You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

There are a lot of good and valid points in your post. However, I think the "green card"

comments are hurtful. Only God can look into the heart, each human being is unique

and different and judgemental generalizations fail to recognize that.

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Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:

1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:

a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)

b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.

c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.

d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:

You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

Based on some of the advice here, it sounds like everything should revolve around him. I must learn about him. I must understand him. I must cater to him. Don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to support him, to learn about his culture and everything about him, but honestly i have my limits. I expect a partnership. So far, he's done a decent job of it. He washes dishes. He'll clean and cook, also. This is a good start but in order for things to progress the communication has to improve. And I'd like it if he'd understand my culture and way of life, too. I think that's reasonable. I'm not one of those women from the countryside. So I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that I'm supposed to become a traditional Ethiopian woman.

Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

6/2004 - Met Ethiopia (I was there on business). Spent two days together.

2004 - 05 - Fell in love

8/05 - Visited Ethiopia

9/05 - GOT MARRIED!!!

I-130

12/21/05 - Mailed I-130

12/27/05 - Rcv'd NOA1

I-129F (K-3)

01/22/06 - Mailed in I-129F

1/29/06 - I-129F Rcvd

02/02/05 - Recvd NOA1

3/24/06 - K-3 application approved - mailed to NVC

3/29/06 - Recvd I-797 NOA 2 via mail (less than 60 days)

4/06 - Recv'd letter from NVC

4/06 - Found out that there was a mixup at the Embassy - Somehow they didn't have his mailing address

5/2/06 - Husband meets with officials at Ethiopian Embassy - Recv'd Packet 4 (instructions for visa)

5/12/06 - Send affidavit of support, evidence of relationship via DHL to Sultan in Addis

5/16/06 - DHL arrives in Addis

5/18/06 - US Embassy told him he would get a same day interview when he submits his visa app (w/medical, police, affidavit of support, and proof of relationship)

5/23/06 - Submits his visa application. ITS APPROVED!!!!!!

5/24/06 - Picks up his passport and visa envelope.

6/26/06 - Arrives in the US!!!!

EAD

7/22/06 - Mailed EAD form

8/24/06 - NOA arrives in the mail

9/7/06 - Biometrics Appointment

10/03/06 - Work Authorization Card Arrives!!!

10/4/06 - Applied for SSN

10/17/06 - SSN Arrives in the Mail!!

11/21/06 - First Day at Work.

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Filed: Country: Senegal
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Wow, there's a lot of factors that you have to consider in your relationship:

1. Culture: (which will spin off most other things:

a. Religion: If he is Muslim and you are not = big problem, he sees things completely different (i.e.: going out, drinking, socializing)

b. Work: a man's money is his money. He is the head of house. Seriously. See culture, religion.

c. Communication: speaking/answering in English is completely different from completely understanding what you are speaking and answering.

d. Socialization: Women who go out in Ethiopia are often referred to as "bar ladies" or prostitutes. This is what he has seen his entire life. He will adjust to women in clubs, etc., but will never like you doing it: you're his wife.

2. Location of residency:

You live in a city that is filled with Ethiopians. Do not discount the influence of Ethiopians on him. He sees Ethiopian couples and the traditions that are the norm to him, and then he comes home to a "different" house (in every way, from food, language, traditions, and religion [unless you are muslim or orthodox]). MAJOR PROBLEM. You'll never be Ethiopian.

You must get to know him. Learn of his culture and participate and incorporate it into EVERYDAY life. Converting to Islam is something you must consider. You should have known that.

My husband said if he didn't tell (or ask) you to convert to Islam, he used you to get to America for a green card. To quote him directly "There are too many beautiful muslim women or even orthodox or christian women in Ethiopia to marry a non-muslim or non-Ethiopian unless he was going to be able to leave Ethiopia for U.S. or U.K." Sorry about the bluntness, but he's a straight shooter.

I am not as pessimistic as he. I say work hard to keep your man happy. Keep talking to him, keep loving him, and keep learning about him.

Best of luck.

Based on some of the advice here, it sounds like everything should revolve around him. I must learn about him. I must understand him. I must cater to him. Don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to support him, to learn about his culture and everything about him, but honestly i have my limits. I expect a partnership. So far, he's done a decent job of it. He washes dishes. He'll clean and cook, also. This is a good start but in order for things to progress the communication has to improve. And I'd like it if he'd understand my culture and way of life, too. I think that's reasonable. I'm not one of those women from the countryside. So I'm having a hard time accepting the idea that I'm supposed to become a traditional Ethiopian woman.

Now, on the issue of Islam, my husband was drinking and socializing during the two years before he moved to the US. On our first date, we were out drinking and dancing into the night. Shortly after he moved to the US he decided to stop drinking. Trust me...he is no foreigner to the social life. I don't go out to clubs. I socialize with my friends at their houses or in restaurants and I invite him to go out with me.

I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

I agree with the point of why just cater to the SO and prefer a cultural blending with mutual

compromises.

Whatever works for both in the marriage, 50-50, 40-60, 20-80, depends

on each indiviual and should be discussed and agreed upon before marriage if possible.

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Morocco
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Wow is all I can say. Someone else is living my life and having my thoughts.

Traveled to Morocco on Aug 3rd, 2005

Got Engaged on Aug 16th, 2005

Left Morocco on Aug 19th, 2005

08-29-05 Filed I129F

01-09-06 Interview Date (9am) We were not approved today, I guess we got a 221g of the damn S. Korea Police Certificate that Casablanca said we didn't need.

03/03/06 Turn in Passport at 9am

03/15/06 Visa Issued

03/31/06 Enter USA via JFK

05/15/06 Wedding for Visa

06/10/06 Mailed AOS papers

07/06/06 Biometerics Apt

07/15/06 My offical wedding day....I know .....:-)

07/10/06 Touched

08/25/06 EAD Approvel

09/01/06 EAD in Hand

09/26/06 AOS Interview (Recommend for Approval)

10-05-06 Received Welcome Letter

10-10-06 Green Card Arrived.

We are now one9d63d28.jpg.png

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Germany
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I don't want to sound defensive, its just that I'm tired of feeling my entire relationship is supposed to revolve around one person.

I can definitely relate to what you are saying. And the more and more I say that it is all about him, the more annoyed he gets. But I believe in calling a spade a spade. :whistle:

7/20/05 - Visa received in the mail

9/13/05 - Arrival to Texas FINALLY!!!

12/2/05 - Wedding

1/25/06 - AOS/EAD sent

1/26/06 - AOS/EAD received at USCIS

02/4/06 - NOA received for EAD

02/6/06 - NOA received for AOS

02/7/06 - ASC appt notice rcv'd

03/2/06 - Biometrics appt.

05/15/06 - AOS Approval (stamp in passport)

05/23/06 - Received Welcome letter

05/26/06 - Green Card arrived in mail yaaaahhooooo

08/10/06 - Hubby 1st job in US

05/15/08 - ??? what next

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