African male culture...

[Ta Ta 1]

I forgot to add that visiting for a while is one thing and making a life

together under cultural adjustments in daily life full of pressures is

a very different story and I am preparing as well as I know how.

[southernchic 0]

I forgot to add that visiting for a while is one thing and making a life

together under cultural adjustments in daily life full of pressures is

a very different story and I am preparing as well as I know how.

Yes, its true, sometimes when I come home from work I'm so tired and stressed. I'm less than enthusiastic about explaining things. We've got a lot of differences....and lord knows I could write a book about all the little things that he's said or done that have either made me laugh or made me very angry. But the good thing is that we're both growing and changing. Last night, I even talked to him about something that bothered me and it turned out to be just another misunderstanding. But it lead to a real breakthrough for him because it reminded him of what his mother said to him about his need to communicate more. I was really touched because he was just sitting there thinking and he looked at me and said, "I guess i must learn to communicate more. Will you help me?"

Now to your question from earlier about how Sultan adjusted to socializing with just me. Really, there wasn't any problem. Sultan isn't reallly a guy who spends a lot of time with random guys if he really doesn't trust them. So he's happy just hanging with me. Sometimes he will go places with his cousin or another friend. But otherwise, its just the two of us. I don't mind.

Like I said earlier, Sultan and I have laughed and cried together. We're comitted to this relationship. the more that I learn about the culture, and even more on the challenges of immigrating to the US, the more compassion I have for him. As an American, I'm totally ignorance about the challenges of migrating to America. Seriously, I knew there would be challenges but I had no ideas what they would be. Maybe that could be a new section on VJ.

S

[olucharles 0]

Hello everyone.

Me and my SO having been living together for almost 6 months now. He's from Ethiopia and I'm American. Our relationships isn't what I expected at all. He's a loving and gentle guy. I'm fairly laid back person but we are constantly arguing over things that later turn out to be misunderstandings or cultural differences. I am really having a hard time. We try to discuss things but I end up feeling REALLY frustrated. I'm just curious. Are there some cultural issues that I am missing?

Money. He likes having nice things. When he wasn't working I took care of both of us and he just didn't understand why the finances caused me stress. Now that he's been working, he's all about saving his money and thinking about the future. And he doesn't want me to know exactly how much money he has. he says that in his culture women don't ask men how much money they have. We are figuring out a compromise and a financial plan. But I was shocked that he just has a hard time understanding living expenses and bills. He seems reluctant to spend a lot of money on bills. He says that when he was home he always had money to spend and that he expected to have alot of money once he started working. My response was, "welcome to America. we're all broke" I say this slightly jokingly. We live in DC, which is one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Listening. He doesn't like to listen to me sometimes. When he first got here in June we were going to a get together. He wanted to wear his leather jacket. I was like, its too hot for leather. He just wouldn't listen to me. Finally I was insistent that he could not wear it he gave in. Its very hot in July even at night. I just couldn't understand why he didn't believe me. That's the perfect example of what I don't get. I love him and want to help him understand how things work here but i swear to God, he's quick to disagree with me. I can't force him to listen but sometimes its a drain.

Communication. This is getting a little bit better. But my husband just doesn't like explaining things. And no matter how many times we agree to communicate, it just doesn't work out that way.

Anyway, I want to make our relationship work. I'd welcome some insights.

Sonya

i went through your topic and i believe it is a very valid point,my fiancee and i are from different cultures and backgrounds(she is a white-american and i am a black guy from nigeria)but we communicate a lot and try to understand each other's cultures very well so as to be able to work things through when we get married and we are living with one another.we have had our difficult times with arguments but we always work things out and talk to each other a lot.i think the basic thing here is trying to understand each other's culture and ways and trying to reach a compromise on your differences.she teaches me about american ways and i do the same thing with her too.we have been together for some weeks before and i treated her like a queen and we have had money issues before but we worked it out.it needs love,trust,understand and compromising with one another.take care you all and any inter-racial couples from ketchikan,alaska?

[Ta Ta 1]

hello olucharles...wow all the way up in Alaska...bet you are freezing

[Shemmy 4]

Hello everyone.

Me and my SO having been living together for almost 6 months now. He's from Ethiopia and I'm American. Our relationships isn't what I expected at all. He's a loving and gentle guy. I'm fairly laid back person but we are constantly arguing over things that later turn out to be misunderstandings or cultural differences. I am really having a hard time. We try to discuss things but I end up feeling REALLY frustrated. I'm just curious. Are there some cultural issues that I am missing?

Money. He likes having nice things. When he wasn't working I took care of both of us and he just didn't understand why the finances caused me stress. Now that he's been working, he's all about saving his money and thinking about the future. And he doesn't want me to know exactly how much money he has. he says that in his culture women don't ask men how much money they have. We are figuring out a compromise and a financial plan. But I was shocked that he just has a hard time understanding living expenses and bills. He seems reluctant to spend a lot of money on bills. He says that when he was home he always had money to spend and that he expected to have alot of money once he started working. My response was, "welcome to America. we're all broke" I say this slightly jokingly. We live in DC, which is one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Listening. He doesn't like to listen to me sometimes. When he first got here in June we were going to a get together. He wanted to wear his leather jacket. I was like, its too hot for leather. He just wouldn't listen to me. Finally I was insistent that he could not wear it he gave in. Its very hot in July even at night. I just couldn't understand why he didn't believe me. That's the perfect example of what I don't get. I love him and want to help him understand how things work here but i swear to God, he's quick to disagree with me. I can't force him to listen but sometimes its a drain.

Communication. This is getting a little bit better. But my husband just doesn't like explaining things. And no matter how many times we agree to communicate, it just doesn't work out that way.

Anyway, I want to make our relationship work. I'd welcome some insights.

Sonya

Oh my goodness, our husbands must be twins. My husband would wear a leather jacket in July and shorts and flip flops in the winter

Sorry to jump in your thread...my husband is Jamaican but this is a good topic. He's been here 2 years now We are still adjusting to each other but it does get better with time. You have to chose your battles....some things are not worth mentioning.

I also live in the DC area and would be interested in a support group...if you don't mind. Please let me know. Thanks.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I was pondering what more I could share with you. However, the advice you've received from others concerning listening and communication are all good. Hang in there and stay focused on what's really important.

[Dwarf_Ogress 0]

Sorry to jump in your thread...my husband is Jamaican but this is a good topic. He's been here 2 years now We are still adjusting to each other but it does get better with time. You have to chose your battles....some things are not worth mentioning.

I also live in the DC area and would be interested in a support group...if you don't mind. Please let me know. Thanks.

This thread is great and I too felt the need to jump in as many characteristics of African men sound similar to my Jamaican fiance. He won't be here until next year but I hope to gain some insight!

[Dwarf_Ogress 0]

Sorry, this was a duplicate post...

Anyone in the Phoenix area?

Edited December 21, 2006 by FutureMrs

[Ta Ta 1]

Hoping you DC members are getting together.......still looking to do the same

here in St.Louis metro.

At least change emails and phone numbers to start with.

It is sometimes difficult to talk about this with friends who don't have a foreign SO, they are clueless and you get this 'really ???' stare. So support is great from those who

experience the same issues.

At the same time the SO can discuss our western ways together with others and

know that they are not alone with their frustrations in this country.

[southernchic 0]

Hoping you DC members are getting together.......still looking to do the same

here in St.Louis metro.

At least change emails and phone numbers to start with.

It is sometimes difficult to talk about this with friends who don't have a foreign SO, they are clueless and you get this 'really ???' stare. So support is great from those who

experience the same issues.

At the same time the SO can discuss our western ways together with others and

know that they are not alone with their frustrations in this country.

Everyone is welcomed to share their experiences of dealing with the cultural differences between them and their spouse. And PLEASE don't get me started on the difficulties of talking to friends and acquaintences. I'm so grateful for having a very good friend, who is from Africa and is married to an american, who's given me tons of guidance.

Again, if there are any couples in the DC/VA/MD area who are interested in meeting up, please PM me. Also, once I create a meet up I'll post it here on VJ.

S

[Taye500 0]

Hoping you DC members are getting together.......still looking to do the same

here in St.Louis metro.

At least change emails and phone numbers to start with.

It is sometimes difficult to talk about this with friends who don't have a foreign SO, they are clueless and you get this 'really ???' stare. So support is great from those who

experience the same issues.

At the same time the SO can discuss our western ways together with others and

know that they are not alone with their frustrations in this country.

Everyone is welcomed to share their experiences of dealing with the cultural differences between them and their spouse. And PLEASE don't get me started on the difficulties of talking to friends and acquaintences. I'm so grateful for having a very good friend, who is from Africa and is married to an american, who's given me tons of guidance.

Again, if there are any couples in the DC/VA/MD area who are interested in meeting up, please PM me. Also, once I create a meet up I'll post it here on VJ.

S

Hi southernchic,

It seems to me that you are a very good woman, who is willing to do her best to make her marriage work. But on the other hand everybody on this board is only hearing your own side of the story. But as a west african male, i can tell you that all black males have one thing in common. " they all want to be treated like a king ". Even if he doesn't deserve it. There is a difference between practicing a culture and using the practice to take advantage of women. He needs to make adjustment and realize that he lives with a woman who did not recieve training in his culture. If he continues to quote his culture on every issue, then he is not ready to make compromises and learn. United states is full of different cultures, and if everybody is stuck on their culture there would be too much chaos and confusions. Sit him down and show him your own southern culture and don't forget to let him know that you are his wife not a friend that he can just take advantage of. Marriage= 'give and take'. Most west african cultures are considerate and can adapt, most and not all. Some west african cultures are just straight selfish. Goodluck.

[blah0323 0]

OMG, I haven't been on the board in a while, because I have been so stressed by some of these same things and just reading the thread starter. So let me continue ready through and I will come back and post.

Thanks for starting this

[Ta Ta 1]

OMG, I haven't been on the board in a while, because I have been so stressed by some of these same things and just reading the thread starter. So let me continue ready through and I will come back and post.

Thanks for starting this

I see your country is Germany, I am German....glad to be of help !

[blah0323 0]

OMG, I haven't been on the board in a while, because I have been so stressed by some of these same things and just reading the thread starter. So let me continue ready through and I will come back and post.

Thanks for starting this

I see your country is Germany, I am German....glad to be of help !

Actually my husband came here by way of Germany but his home is West African.

[blah0323 0]

MONEY - Reading these post me make understand the money situation more. I was beginning to feel I was being taken for a ride, by having to pay most if not all of the bills, while he keeps his money to select what he pays. But now I understand more. I have recently given him the list of all the bills and he stored it somewhere, so we can cut confusion on how much HAS to go back out. But learning the financing/buying process has been a headache for me.

Communication - Our communication lines have been broken....lol Most of the time he misunderstands what I'm saying and don't bother to get a clarification. So it leads to his own assumption which 9 times out of 10 is wrong. So I am working on this. Sometimes when we have misunderstanding, I try to communicate with him and he will just sit there and look at me, never say a word. At first I thought it was that he was thinking of what to say. But now I believe he uses it to try to anger/hurt me, but I have learned to just walk away from it and pick it up when he is talking. Pick the more necessary important battles.

Has anyone did any martial counseling? I keep thinking maybe a neutral party could help, but then I don't know. I know someone told me that in Nigeria, the elders would get with the couple and talk with them and help them through the difficult times. But here I wouldn't want to put my family in a position to have to like or not like him for something we may be going through temporary. People are human and I rather not venture out to find out how they would react, if they react at all. But counseling is not out!!! I just want to say that the one African Female that I can say any and everything to, says all the time "that is how African Men are." And I don't think that is fair to say??

If anyone is in the Texas area I surely would like to communicate more about this and maybe they can share with me.