African male culture...

[Perseverance 1]

Thanks Heather. I have thought some about this and talked some with Bassi about it as well. We have to wait and see what it really is and what really happens, but we've both committed to go to our corners rather than duking it out. (Okay, I agreed to go to my corner cause I the arguer in the relationship) To be honest, I'm looking forward to the pain. I think once we make it through the wilderness our relationship will be stronger and ready to deal with the storms that brew outside of our relationship. We plan to share dentures.

Hmmm, sharing dentures. That's some real bonding right there. I'll have to ask my sweety about that to see what he thinks.

HA HA !! Dentures\BONDING!!! Good PUN!!

[Perseverance 1]

I just wanted to bump this again in case there is anyone who would like to share some stories or insights,I just think that there is good info in this thread....

[Asante Maroon 0]

I SO WISH I WOULD HAVE READ THIS THREAD SO VERY LONG AGO!!!! OMG! It would have spared me a lot of frustration!

I just spent over an hour reading the WHOLE thread cracking up, relating, as well as having many aha moments. My husband was getting so annoyed with me because I kept saying "baby you remember when we use to do that..."

I am a typical New Yorker who loves to say: "you are so stupid!" Translation: You are mad funny Second Translation: You are hilarious

Can I tell you how pissed off my husband would get?!?!!? If you don't know... anything that may be perceived as a negative reference made to the intelligence/ability of most foreign black will be taken as the biggest insult. If you don't have a lot of African friends or family members who around you...check out Nigerian/Ghanaian movies.

Example of these offensive words: useless man, stupid, idiot etc... (these terms are more common among Nigerians than Ghanaians although now they are picking up popularity in Ghanaian movies)

Long story short, the hubby now realizes that I am not trying to insult him (cause that would be like insulting myself, right? Marrying an idiot? )

Now: He tells me every other day that I am "so stupid!". I happen to be a pretty witty person...I think

It's funny to hear him say all the slang terms that I pretty much grew up with. My cousins from Houston has him saying: "You loser!" which cracks me up

I say: "Cornball" which he likes equally as much

Great thread guys! Thanks for bringing it back!

[Ta Ta 1]

After my SO told me something important I was kind of surprised and said : Are you serious ? As in Are you kidding / joking........

he was all mad because I said that and yelled........no I am NOT serious, NOT serious at all blah blah......why must you ask me such thing......

I told him it means the same as his : Tell me something ! He apologized for having a hissy fit

[Perseverance 1]

I just wanted to bump this, Lovin Famos post is sort of inline with this....

[Perseverance 1]

Again bumping for the "if I only knew content" for newbies.............or not newbies

[Tunji&Toyin 0]

Not to be critical, but I think any African man would find it being a problem, when his wife is out late, hanging with the girls. I grew up here in the US, and for some reason it doesn't compute to me at all. Does that mean you shouldn't go out? Nah, but take a little consideration for the man, its a marriage and not partnership. Concessions are made, things are given up. Hanging with the girls, doesn't happen much in African countries, let alone in African communities here in the US. Just my perspective... no disrespect.

I love this thread.....keep 'em coming !

I think the MENA group had something like this thread.

It may be a good idea for those who are close in the area to exchange phone numbers

for a good support.

Any one in the ST. Louis metro area ?

Can't think of any other issues right now but I am sure there will be many when he finally gets here.

I love the idea of a DC area group for intercultural relationships. If any one is interested please PM or email me. I'd love to hook up for coffee or something. Thanks for all of the advice. It makes me feel better knowing that I need to learn about the culture.

MONEY: Re: money we're working things out. I think he has some misconceptions about how much money I make and about the concept of me being broke. And I think it might be a good idea for him to pay the bills for a while so that he can understand the pain and heartache we all go through paying bills every month. He doesn't make enough to pay all of the bills so any advice would be welcomed. I probably do come down hard on him about things. I'm a bit of a perfectionist (hence the reason why I forbid him from wearing the leather jacket and also from wearing white socks with black shoes).

SOCIALIZING. I noticed while I was in Ethiopia that men socialize with other men. I kept asking him, "where are the women? Are they at home?" We go out to the movies and restaurants togehter. We'll also go to Starbucks and relax there, too.

The issue with socializing, which is a cultural issue for us, is that he DOES NOT like for me to go out at night with my friends. He's muslim and says that in his culture a woman is considered a "garden tool" if she's out past midnight. Now, we don't argue about this. He trusts me but it still makes him mad if I stay out late -- even if I'm just chilling at a friends' house. Also, if I go out and have one drink, as soon as I walk in the door he's like the alcohol police. He'll say, "Your drrrrunk." (you know rolling the r's) And, of course, i defend myself and prove that I'm sober. Its very funny. I'll have two drinks and he'll swear that I'm totally drunk. I tell him, "Dude, you've never seen me drunk. It takes more than two glasses of wine"

The question about culture is how do you identify a conflict as culture instead of personality??? How have people had the patience to sit back and say, "What just happened?" before it becomes an arguement??

I hope we can keep this discussion going.

[Kanyiri 0]

Not to be critical, but I think any African man would find it being a problem, when his wife is out late, hanging with the girls. I grew up here in the US, and for some reason it doesn't compute to me at all. Does that mean you shouldn't go out? Nah, but take a little consideration for the man, its a marriage and not partnership. Concessions are made, things are given up. Hanging with the girls, doesn't happen much in African countries, let alone in African communities here in the US. Just my perspective... no disrespect.

I respectfully disagree. My experiences are in rural Ghana so I'm sure it is different elsewhere and no major generalization can be made. Women were always with a group of women. They walk to farm together, clean the clothes together, and walk to the borehole together. At night they all eat from the same plate in a circle while the men are at a different plate all together. The men expect the women to be in groups like that. It is for safety and socialization. Late at night there are other fears so they don't venture far from the home, but luckily they live in compounds where the whole group is already together.

I agree there should be consideration. I disagree that it is not a partnership. Marriage is a partnership. How would it not be seen as such?

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Not to be critical, but I think any African man would find it being a problem, when his wife is out late, hanging with the girls. I grew up here in the US, and for some reason it doesn't compute to me at all. Does that mean you shouldn't go out? Nah, but take a little consideration for the man, its a marriage and not partnership. Concessions are made, things are given up. Hanging with the girls, doesn't happen much in African countries, let alone in African communities here in the US. Just my perspective... no disrespect.

I respectfully disagree. My experiences are in rural Ghana so I'm sure it is different elsewhere and no major generalization can be made. Women were always with a group of women. They walk to farm together, clean the clothes together, and walk to the borehole together. At night they all eat from the same plate in a circle while the men are at a different plate all together. The men expect the women to be in groups like that. It is for safety and socialization. Late at night there are other fears so they don't venture far from the home, but luckily they live in compounds where the whole group is already together.

I agree there should be consideration. I disagree that it is not a partnership. Marriage is a partnership. How would it not be seen as such?

My experience matches yours and I was both in the city of Accra for a while and in the countryside on my last visit in Dar Ul Salam. The women do everything together. And at night when work was done they sit around and talk and laugh and listen to the radio. It was very common and sometimes groups of women would get together on Sunday between houses and talk and laugh. They had a good ole time. No alcohol. Sometimes snacks like groundnuts I noticed. It was lots of fun. I don't think it's so unusual for women to hang out. I think that some African men may have an issue with not knowing the people you are hanging out with and the added fear that there may be men in the group here in the US. It was very very unusual to see a male-female mixed groups hanging out late together.

[Zee Bee 61]

My experiences match Kanyiri and Zainab's. Maybe it is different in Nigeria.

In Ghana, there is definitely a "hanging with the girls" mentality. Its the same for the boys. And it happened at night and in the day time. I know that whenever we were going out it would always be in groups. On market days all the girls would get ready together and then discuss what they were going to buy and then go to the market together. You always see them in groups. In my town, my uncle played movies at night and if we wanted to go, we always had to go with someone else. If no one wanted to go with you then you had to stay home.

I think any man, not only African men, would have an issue with their woman staying out late if he does not know who she is going out with. I think the opposite is true as well. I know that when we were apart and he was going out I would ask him who he was going out with, and he would do the same with me. Its just something we had to deal with. What does he expect me to do, give up my friends and sit at home like a hermit? Like we both say, "I was taking care of myself before I met you". Yes, there are certain concessions we need to make, certain aspects of our lives that we need to change, but, it comes from both sides.

Why shouldn't the man have some consideration for her? Is she supposed to give up being with her friends to satisfy him? I think not.

Marriage IS a partnership because if not it is a dictatorship and someone is not going to be happy.

[Tunji&Toyin 0]

Please don't take my partnership out of context. What I mean is that their relationship is beyond just a simple relationship, of boyfriend and girlfriend, or even fiance and fiancee. I just put myself in his shoes, and felt that if she was out consistently with her girls, it would bother me, depending on what exactly she was doing. If it was church or spiritually related, for work, or even cultural means, I truly understand that. I am not a brute. But if she is consistently out, because she needs time with the girls, that would raise a red flag to me. Its kinda like a guy who is out consistently with the guys, and comes home drunk and falls over at the door or goes straight to bed. I'm not comparing her situation to that, but I'm giving an example so I have you understand where I am coming from.

[kk_mine 0]

Well I am not married as of yet and feel this is a great topic. My fiance was not the problem but his sibling. Once his brother (who I call my brother) told me in so many terms you need to hurry and get here to Africa so we can all be a happy family. I felt so bad and I was thinking WOW! does he not know I'm doing this on my own? Meaning my fiance can't assist me with the things I need to get to him (flight, passport etc, wedding arrang). And I have no issue with that.

So I def agree with the writing things down on paper so they See what the bills are! For me I had to text it. lol But I had to explain to my family in Africa what the cost is to get to my fiance and what I pay here in the US. When they saw all the cost they finally said (over the phone) WOW! that costs a lot. I ex that was what I was trying to tell them all along. Now they all are so understanding and say come when you can and take your time as we will be patient.

But my fiance and I talk about things like that now. I ex to him gas prices here and costs for me as I manage things on my own. We have open communication about cost and money. So I hope when we are together we don't have any issues with talking about bills/finances. Not saying that we wont disagree but know that we have the understanding that we will need to discuss things like this.

And I agree with others about the jacket. If he wanted to wear it I would just let him wear it. Im trying to as well work on the differences we have coming from different cultures but the small things I'm trying to just let go of. B/c something small can end up as a bigger issue and its not worth it. I do feel that a married couple should not withhold things from one another. So with the finances,bills,how much they bring home, or saved up I don't in my Opinion feel it should be something the other would not know about.

My fiance feels bad as he told me in Africa the man does for the women. My mom always told me never take a mans pride away (not saying that you have jus sharing what my mom reminds me of)! I know it hurts him as he told me I'm doing everything and he cant assist at all. He even felt bad telling me that he can't assist his elderly parents b/c he does not make very much. But I ex to him as a goal that we can assist his parents and my mom when we are together. I have even picked up a second job and he feels so bad. But I will do anything for him=4US and he knows that. So I make sure to praise him for anything he does (ie calls to me, txt), as I appreciate it. So once we talked over things like this he is more open.

I know your situation is a lot diff then mine...I think talking to him when you are not feelin frustrated but feel calm and let him know how you feel etc..

Hang in there and things will work out for you both!

Good points Taye500!

[idocare 3]

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