Should I return home or try to work it out?

[Shiobhan 235]

Did U discuss kids, religion and I got your back scenerios B4

marriage?, too many pay attention to the immigrating part of things

only, and even if he promised you never had to work since things

have gotten not so good go out and find a job to help....you dont

have to have a car, to go get a job, millions don't. it is no fun when

things is hard to have one person doing nothing with no solutions

help, that's what marriage is about,,,,try to save your marriage don't run

when the going gets tough.

I know with his changed ways you may be turned off, but you cant

live in the past of the great job you had, get one now, no matter what

he says, and its a good thing there's no kids yet or things would be harder.

Check out your worksource local office & look at martial & spiritual counselling

Edited November 20, 2013 by Jihana

[David & Diana R 1,005]

I’ve told him that before earlier this year.

Let me be clear. We don’t have fights but he does have a temper. When he gets mad I feel like I am in one of those scenes on TV where I feel threatened for my life like he may snap one day because of his temper. I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

It’s just that whenever he has to pay his bills he gets mad because I am not contributing to paying the bills. Yes it is his bills because I met him with these bills. I also do not have a problem helping pay these bills whenever I have a job.

Yes, and you should not have to live in fear. That is not right. GOD Bless and good luck

[Jeanna 21]

Personally I think folks pay too much attention to the immigration process than to sustaining and cultivating their relationships.

As an example, I prepared and am ready for my Wife not to be productive for up to 2 years. We discussed this, we discussed that first priority is learning English, then getting a drivers license, getting some job and then going back to school for a career, all leading NOT to a permanent stay in the US but an eventual exodus back to Nigeria

What was your plan as a responsible couple?

Secondly, I am almost certain that your Husband is not a deranged lunatic who is also a control freak. Why am I so sure? No reasonable human would move to another country with such a person.

My suggestion is to work with your Husband (though don't surfer abuse of any kind), get on your feet, etc

I agree with Gowon when it comes to so many couples only get caught up in the romantic notion of being star-struck lovers kept apart by horrible beauracracies but never discuss the day to day life and their future plans. Before any type of big move (whether it's a physical move, a new marriage, new job, children, etc) you need to know where you are going and how you plan on getting there.

Maybe you guys didn't think a lot past all the immediate stuff and now you both have unmet expectations and maybe even unrealistic ones. Sit down, discuss the problems, and come to reasonable and workable solutions. Maybe you can still save your marriage, if you are so inclined.

[*Milly* 3]

I understand you very well, i am totaly depending on my husband he is working in US, he is a cheff but because of my paperwork he started a new heavy job at the factory which he has never done in his life. I am unemployed like you but with small baby in my country. So Husband paying his rent and other bills plus monthly sending money and gave some money to the immigration lawyer to make things faster... I am telling you now we have a worst relationship ever, because always when i ask money for the baby's vaccination or for smth extra HE start yellin and blaming me for the suffering life which he has now... But im sure its gonna be passed soon.. even not thinking to divorce or separate I am trying to think positive always. Get out of your mind all negative thoughts if you really love your husband, try to have a healthy open talk with him and find out the exact reason why he mad at you.

My Dear dont think that your husband doesnt love you.. this is normal reaction of MEN which carrying all family duties on his shoulder.. MEN are not such strong as we think sometimes they are so weak and believe me He can not handle small baby plus unemployed wife and house bills all together.

I was a bank manager in my country so what it doesnt mean that when i go to US i will find the same position right away, why dont you try start at simple job like waitress or clerk at the bank for the beginning im sure with your US degree you will grow very fast

Just have a serious talk with your husband and say that if he shows his temper like that way believe me you will get one serious sickness or health problem one day and be sure being sick you will never ever cant work anywhere and for sure your husband will not take care of you , Non of men doesnt want sick wife with health problems FIRST OF ALL TAKE CARE OF YOUR NERVES.. If this marriage harms your health somehow just start everything from new clean page and stay confident always

[Protocol417 161]

This may seem silly, but if you do think you aren't getting the jobs because you're overqualified, then you may be right, and you may need to look differently at how you're applying.

It is a weird quirk of our current economy that in some cases, it is easier for people without degrees (for example) to get low- to mid-range jobs. The potential employer doesn't want to hire someone who will leave the second something better comes along, and the less qualified you are, the less they can pay you. Perhaps, to take advantage of this, you need to leave out some of your qualifications when applying for a "something, anything" job.

[thepizzadude 26]

I don't think anybody should be advising you on whether you should divorce your husband or not. It's really not anybody's decision but your own. I think what you need to do is sit down and really think about your relationship, whether you truly love your husband and if you actually want to stay. When you say he does't buy you anything - do you mean anything at all, such as essentials, or do you mean stuff you want but don't need like a new bag or clothes? If the latter then I think you need to reevaluate what you are looking for out of the relationship.

I'm not on either of your sides as I don't know either of you and you have only given your side of the story, but I will say in regards to him not buying you a car or wanting to have children because you you guys can't afford it, but you think you can, I would have to agree with him on that. Just because he got a tax refund and makes good money does't mean that there is necessarily a ton of extra cash laying around (again, I could be wrong, but I'm just going on the bare bones of the information you gave). If you are not working then he is paying for everything on his own. And whilst that is not your fault if you genuinly can't get a job, you've got to understand the nature of your situation. If you are not working and have a lot of free time on your hands then I think it is the least you can to maintain the home you guys live in (that he pays for) and cook meals. If you don't even do that than what is it you are contributing to the relationship? At that point you are there, whining about being taken care of while not doing a thing to help. Don't look at household duties as you being a maid, but look at it as your part of contributing to the household and playing an active role in the relationship. I know it may seem tough at times if that's all you're doing, but you can't expect him to do everything!

I think you need to look at the situation from both sides and then sit down and talk to him about everything. I'm sure if he gets mad at you it's not because he's actually mad at you, but more because he has a lot on his plate to deal with and he's frustrated with the situation.

When you say you are looking for work, how active are you actually being? Are you following up with things? I know you say you have a degree and a lot of experience in certain roles, but maybe while you are waiting for something big to come along, why don't you start applying for jobs at local stores or supermarkets or something? I know it may seem a little beneath you but at least it will be some money coming in from you while you look for something else and it will show to him that you are making an effort.

And if this sounds like I'm being mean, I'm not! And I'm sorry if it comes across like that, but I think you are focus don the wrong things right now. Look at the bigger picture of everything!

For someone who is trying to be impartial, you sure do read alot into the word written and make lots of assumptions. You sound one sided in your response, no matter how much you say "i'm not on either side".

Edited only to fix my formatting error..

Edited November 20, 2013 by thepizzadude

[VickyP 34]

I asked that question before but I will ask it again. Where in Florida do you live. When I came here, we were first living in North Port/Port Charlotte which is not far from Sarasota.

We were living there for about 2 Months and I told my husband, it will not work that way....I couldn't find anything, not even a job as a cashier.

Well we had that discussion as well before we came back to the US and I was always telling my husband, don't let us move to that place because from my prior research there was really nothing going on for example, big companies etc.

After a few discussion and application in the Orlando area I got interviews right away and my husband saw that we have to move, since there was nothing really there for me where we were living.

Maybe you should apply for jobs further away and show the results to your husband. I know to some people it might sound stupid but the chances in bigger cities are sometimes better.

I am so happy right now at my job and If I can, I would be more than happy to help.

[Bugs 455]

Ok, firstly, in your original post you asked if you should give up on your marriage. That is asking for peoples advise on whether you leave or not.

Secondly, here's a few questions for you. Where are you from originally?? Is your husband of the same background? Or religion? How long did you know each other before getting married? I ask this because you make a point of saying that based on your own family, the husband/father should be taking care of the family. If you guys are from the same kind of background and with the same kind of beliefs then fair enough, but if you are not then I would ask yourself whether, given where you now are, if this is really a realistic view point to have. A lot of families (and I appreciate not all of them) now share the view point that it is equal work from both parties. Again, I'm not saying that I am on either of your sides, but I feel it's unfair to expect your husband to do everything for you.

You say you've been there 3 years now. Have you not worked for the whole of those 3 years?! Because I'll be honest, I find it hard to believe that you have not been able to find ANY job in 3 years. Seriously, you need to apply for anything at this point. Not just to make things easier between the both of you, but so you can have some independence and not feel resentment towards your husband. Try the supermarket, coffee shops, fast food places, call centers, restaurants, movie theaters - anything!!! I understand it's not ideal, but at the end of the day, a job is a job and if you want money you need one.

If you don't have a job, how do you have credit cards? How have you been able to pay any of those off in the past? I can't believe they have been building up for 3 years without any payments being made?

I'm glad that you contribute around the house, and you should be thanked for that by him. If you're not then that's a conversation you guys need to have about him appreciating what you do to make things easier for him when he gets home from work. But on the flip side, I think that you have a long hard think about what it is he actually does for you. Make a list of all the things he does for you and provides for you and then a list of all the things he doesn't. I bet you'll be surprised.

I understand that it's tough for you right now, and you feel under-appreciated and lonely. That sucks and I feel bad for you, but you have to ooh at the bigger picture of this whole situation.

Aside from the money issues, what is your relationship like? Do you guys have a lot in common? Do you have conversations? Do you go out places together? Do you have fun together?

I don't know where you are trying to volunteer but I would keep trying with that and maybe look to lots of different things. Places are grateful for any volunteers and it's rare that they care about your reasons for doing it. That sounds weird to me.

As for wanting to have children - do you really resent your husband for not wanting children because you can't afford it? I think, until you are actually working and bringing in money, he makes a very valid point here. Do you really want to bring kids in to the world and not be able to feed or clothe them? I'm sorry to say, but that's really selfish if you do. If he's already upset that he's being stretched with money as it is, do you think having kids, where he will be stretched even more, will make that situation any better? I would leave this dream alone for now until you are in a better place to consider it.

This sentence is telling. When he yells at you does a little voice inside your head say he could do worse? You need to listen to that voice, do not ignore it. I'm not saying LEAVE at this point, but if it ever escalates you do need to make decisions. My father has a very bad temper as well, and he and my mom still made it work for 30+ years, but it takes a lot of work and it takes outside help sometimes. My mom made an ultimatum some years ago - they go to therapy or they separate. My dad has a very "old country" mentality so it took him a while to agree. But they are doing a lot better now than they used to.

IMO, your husband was very foolish to think you'd get a job right off the plane. Unemployment and underemployment in this country is still very high and plenty of US citizens are struggling to find jobs in all sectors. You will find a job, it just probably won't be glamorous. That being said, it is very difficult for the vast majority of married couples in the US to live on only one income. I understand your desire for a "traditional" marital home but it may not work out that way. Life here is, for the most part in many places, very expensive and it's hard for most people to save sufficiently for the future (probably why your husband wants to put off having children).

Yes you both do need counseling. You both should reexamine your priorities for this marriage, find a middle ground, and go from there.

I'm puzzled by both of your replies here, accusing her of trying to be a stay at home wife, because she made it pretty clear that she has been working full time at trying to get a job.

[bettypentiér44 12]

For someone who is trying to be impartial, you sure do read alot into the word written and make lots of assumptions. You sound one sided in your response, no matter how much you say "i'm not on either side".

Edited only to fix my formatting error..

I can see how that comes across and it's not my intent. But I, like everyone else reading this thread, am only going on what has been written so I can only reply in accordance to that.

I get that the OP feels terrible and I know it's not nice to not have a job and have someone blame you for all the money issues. And for that I totally sympathize with her. I get that the job market is bad and it's a little harder to find something you want, but at the same time, if it's been over 2 years and she still hasn't found ANYTHING, then there is a huge problem there and that's where I can see it from her husband's point of view. Not that gives him the right to be angry at her for all the money issues, but he's only human too and I'm sure the situation is frustrating for him also. I've made this point very clear in my 2 replies.

It's easy for us to sit here and read a one sided post and all agree with the poster and pass judgement on someone who hasn't had his say, and for that I think it's really wrong. She asked for people's opinion and I've given it.

Maybe at this point, she needs to take off some of her over qualified jobs from her resumé while she applies for lower wage jobs and keep them on there for the jobs she actually wants. That will help her get something while she is looking for something better.

And to reply to me "reading a lot in to written word and make lots of assumptions" - that's not true. I have given actual advice based on the facts, unlike some who have completely misread what she has wrote and implied that he doesn't love her and is basically abusing her.

I feel bad for her, but I'm not naive enough to assume that, because she's in a bad place right now, she's not painting a picture of him being this horrible person, when actually, if she calmed down and really thought about it, that's not the case. If he didn't love her, he would divorce her, end of. There is no benefit to him for her sticking around if he didn't love her.

[bettypentiér44 12]

I'm puzzled by both of your replies here, accusing her of trying to be a stay at home wife, because she made it pretty clear that she has been working full time at trying to get a job.

I've never said she should stay at home and be a stay at home wife, nor have I implied it. What I've said is, is she is at home, then to make sure she is doing stuff around the house to show she is contributing that way. If she's not doing that then what is she contributing? However, the point in null as she has made clear that she does do stuff around the house, and for that I have already said to her that she should be thanked for that by her husband. You can say looking for a job is a full time job in itself, and to some extent I agree as it is time consuming, but at the same time it's a job that doesn't pay. And if this is a "job" she's been doing for over 2 years, then that's a lot of non-paychecks.

[AugstAngelFelix 5]

I say the two of you get naked in a hot tub/jacuzzi for the weekend and have a long talk about this.

If you don't want to do that, then print out a big stack of resumes in USA format,

and go in to his work one day.

Once you're out of the car, apply at his jobsite.

Then walk around the rest of the day, dropping off resumes at the companies around his jobsite, and filling out applications.

If'n yer hired at any company along your walking path, that's a plus! He doesn't have to drive extra, out of his way, to get you to work and you can start squirreling away yer own monies ...

Darnell, you always have so much knowledge! Love you! <3 as for the situation, def sit down and think about it talk with him. And then decide. It sucks that everything takes a job and money but I hope things work out and hopefully you two can talk and you can be happy together and things work out. Blessings to you both ❤️❤️❤️