Should I return home or try to work it out?

[CindyR 1]

Tell him you are leaving ONLY if it is safe to do so. If you feel threatened just pack and leave when he is not at home. If hw does not love you how will you live in that kind of relationship? You don't have to leave the US. Good luck and GOD BLESS

I’ve told him that before earlier this year.

Let me be clear. We don’t have fights but he does have a temper. When he gets mad I feel like I am in one of those scenes on TV where I feel threatened for my life like he may snap one day because of his temper. I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

It’s just that whenever he has to pay his bills he gets mad because I am not contributing to paying the bills. Yes it is his bills because I met him with these bills. I also do not have a problem helping pay these bills whenever I have a job.

[CindyR 1]

Id suggest a bit of counselling, possibly?! There seems to be things you guys are not properly communicating about to each other and probably a mediator is a good way to resolve this.

Id also suggest finding ANY job that you are eligible for; like retail. Although not ideal, this could be a "breather" for him to see you contributing. I understand that he initially was fine with you being unemployed but obviously this has changed. Id say try to get a part time gig even if its barely enough for you to have your own spending money.

Im sorry you are going through this and I wish you guys the best

We have talked about counselling before. He don't think we need it because he feels like once he apologizes it is enough. However, I feel like we do because I just want to explode at times. I don't like fights so I don't argue back.

[CindyR 1]

I say the two of you get naked in a hot tub/jacuzzi for the weekend and have a long talk about this.

If you don't want to do that, then print out a big stack of resumes in USA format,

and go in to his work one day.

Once you're out of the car, apply at his jobsite.

Then walk around the rest of the day, dropping off resumes at the companies around his jobsite, and filling out applications.

If'n yer hired at any company along your walking path, that's a plus! He doesn't have to drive extra, out of his way, to get you to work and you can start squirreling away yer own monies ...

I have gone downtown several times to pass out my resume to businesses just to be told that no one collects resume any longer you have to post it on their website. My resume is posted on numerous career sites, and listed with temp and staffing agencies. I have successfully passed all the agencies test. One of them said that I may probably be overqualified for the jobs that they have.

I know that it is the job market and I fear that because I am not from the US is why I am being overlooked.

[CindyR 1]

I think you are more feeling isolated and dependent than any other thing you directly mentioned. What do you do during the day while your husband work ( or night ) Do you have something you do ? Do you get out go to the library or stores ? Have you though about something to occupy your time that may lead to something more ? Check out http://www.volunteermatch.org/ or even pinterest maybe you can find something that makes you feel more fulfilled and could lead to a few extra dollars or help build your resume

You are correct. I feel lonely, isolated and dependent right now. I never ever needed anyone for anything because I was a strong independent woman that had my own things along with a good job.

I attend all job fairs. I go to the library or downtown just to hang out and see if I can get words on jobs lead. Yes, I am trying to find a hobby that will keep me busy. I am touchy with this because a new hobby means I have to buy stuffs for the hobby and he looks at me whenever I buy something new even though I didn’t use his money.

I tried signing up for volunteering at some places but dropped this idea because I was told that I need to have a reason to volunteer like a court order or something because it may look funny that I want to volunteer my time for nothing. I find this to be a bunch of ####### but that what I was told by few persons.

[CindyR 1]

Personally I think folks pay too much attention to the immigration process than to sustaining and cultivating their relationships.

As an example, I prepared and am ready for my Wife not to be productive for up to 2 years. We discussed this, we discussed that first priority is learning English, then getting a drivers license, getting some job and then going back to school for a career, all leading NOT to a permanent stay in the US but an eventual exodus back to Nigeria

What was your plan as a responsible couple?

Secondly, I am almost certain that your Husband is not a deranged lunatic who is also a control freak. Why am I so sure? No reasonable human would move to another country with such a person.

My suggestion is to work with your Husband (though don't surfer abuse of any kind), get on your feet, etc

I agree with you.

We did talk about what will happen once I move here, and he told me not to worry if I can’t find a job right away because he can take care of us. I think he is frustrated because he was always certain that with my degree, job and work experience that I would get a job right away. I told him I don’t blame him about this assumption because it is the economy that is the problem.

I am just hurt because every time he pays his monthly bills he feels like I am putting a strain on him or not contributing my share to the household.

[bettypentiér44 12]

Ok, firstly, in your original post you asked if you should give up on your marriage. That is asking for peoples advise on whether you leave or not.

Secondly, here's a few questions for you. Where are you from originally?? Is your husband of the same background? Or religion? How long did you know each other before getting married? I ask this because you make a point of saying that based on your own family, the husband/father should be taking care of the family. If you guys are from the same kind of background and with the same kind of beliefs then fair enough, but if you are not then I would ask yourself whether, given where you now are, if this is really a realistic view point to have. A lot of families (and I appreciate not all of them) now share the view point that it is equal work from both parties. Again, I'm not saying that I am on either of your sides, but I feel it's unfair to expect your husband to do everything for you.

You say you've been there 3 years now. Have you not worked for the whole of those 3 years?! Because I'll be honest, I find it hard to believe that you have not been able to find ANY job in 3 years. Seriously, you need to apply for anything at this point. Not just to make things easier between the both of you, but so you can have some independence and not feel resentment towards your husband. Try the supermarket, coffee shops, fast food places, call centers, restaurants, movie theaters - anything!!! I understand it's not ideal, but at the end of the day, a job is a job and if you want money you need one.

If you don't have a job, how do you have credit cards? How have you been able to pay any of those off in the past? I can't believe they have been building up for 3 years without any payments being made?

I'm glad that you contribute around the house, and you should be thanked for that by him. If you're not then that's a conversation you guys need to have about him appreciating what you do to make things easier for him when he gets home from work. But on the flip side, I think that you have a long hard think about what it is he actually does for you. Make a list of all the things he does for you and provides for you and then a list of all the things he doesn't. I bet you'll be surprised.

I understand that it's tough for you right now, and you feel under-appreciated and lonely. That sucks and I feel bad for you, but you have to ooh at the bigger picture of this whole situation.

Aside from the money issues, what is your relationship like? Do you guys have a lot in common? Do you have conversations? Do you go out places together? Do you have fun together?

I don't know where you are trying to volunteer but I would keep trying with that and maybe look to lots of different things. Places are grateful for any volunteers and it's rare that they care about your reasons for doing it. That sounds weird to me.

As for wanting to have children - do you really resent your husband for not wanting children because you can't afford it? I think, until you are actually working and bringing in money, he makes a very valid point here. Do you really want to bring kids in to the world and not be able to feed or clothe them? I'm sorry to say, but that's really selfish if you do. If he's already upset that he's being stretched with money as it is, do you think having kids, where he will be stretched even more, will make that situation any better? I would leave this dream alone for now until you are in a better place to consider it.

I am not looking for anyone to advise me to leave my husband. I am just here for advice so that I can see things from other people’s perspective.

What I want is for my husband to be a man and see me as his wife. I grew up with both parents and I also believe that the man should take care of his household like my father did for his family. I don’t have a problem contributing to our household. In fact, I do that now with no job, but what if I don’t get a job soon and how am I suppose to pay off my credit cards if my husband don’t want to help me or feels like he is doing enough for me. I have been looking and applying to jobs for the last 12 month nonstop. It’s been like a daily job for me, so yes I am actively looking. I told my husband when I get a job I will take over some of the household bills so I do not have a problem with that.

Yes, I am a great housewife. I do keep the house clean, cook, and all the rest.

I agree with you when you say that he is really frustrated instead of mad but please don’t take it out on me. I don’t like being in this situation as well. Being unemployed makes me feel worthless.

[Sarah Elle-Même 660]

I’ve told him that before earlier this year.

Let me be clear. We don’t have fights but he does have a temper. When he gets mad I feel like I am in one of those scenes on TV where I feel threatened for my life like he may snap one day because of his temper. I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

It’s just that whenever he has to pay his bills he gets mad because I am not contributing to paying the bills. Yes it is his bills because I met him with these bills. I also do not have a problem helping pay these bills whenever I have a job.

This sentence is telling. When he yells at you does a little voice inside your head say he could do worse? You need to listen to that voice, do not ignore it. I'm not saying LEAVE at this point, but if it ever escalates you do need to make decisions. My father has a very bad temper as well, and he and my mom still made it work for 30+ years, but it takes a lot of work and it takes outside help sometimes. My mom made an ultimatum some years ago - they go to therapy or they separate. My dad has a very "old country" mentality so it took him a while to agree. But they are doing a lot better now than they used to.

IMO, your husband was very foolish to think you'd get a job right off the plane. Unemployment and underemployment in this country is still very high and plenty of US citizens are struggling to find jobs in all sectors. You will find a job, it just probably won't be glamorous. That being said, it is very difficult for the vast majority of married couples in the US to live on only one income. I understand your desire for a "traditional" marital home but it may not work out that way. Life here is, for the most part in many places, very expensive and it's hard for most people to save sufficiently for the future (probably why your husband wants to put off having children).

We have talked about counselling before. He don't think we need it because he feels like once he apologizes it is enough. However, I feel like we do because I just want to explode at times. I don't like fights so I don't argue back.

Yes you both do need counseling. You both should reexamine your priorities for this marriage, find a middle ground, and go from there.

[cappucino boy 29]

You are NOT worthless but a beautiful person, sensitive, caring and valuable. I only hope that you two are able to sit down and communicate through this situation.

I agree with you when you say that he is really frustrated instead of mad but please don’t take it out on me. I don’t like being in this situation as well. Being unemployed makes me feel worthless.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I tried signing up for volunteering at some places but dropped this idea because I was told that I need to have a reason to volunteer like a court order or something because it may look funny that I want to volunteer my time for nothing. I find this to be a bunch of ####### but that what I was told by few persons.

I never heard of that.

I'm truly sorry about what you are going through. I honestly feel like your husband is not being fair to you. Many Americans have a hard time finding work, even more so for immigrants because I think (not sure on this...just thinking) that citizens get chosen first. I also know what my daughter went through when she married and moved to Australia. Her situation had some similarities. Her husband had a bad temper and bouts of depression. He made good money but gave her none, or very little. He never let her see the bills, or know the financial situation. He made her feel bad because she didn't have a job. She tried to find work within walking distance but couldn't. She didn't have her own car even though she knew how to drive there. Long story short, she is back in the US, working and married to a guy she is really happy with.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just saying that I understand to the best of my ability from what you told us. I hope you and your hubby can work it out.

[Darnell 8,479]

I have gone downtown several times to pass out my resume to businesses just to be told that no one collects resume any longer you have to post it on their website. My resume is posted on numerous career sites, and listed with temp and staffing agencies. I have successfully passed all the agencies test. One of them said that I may probably be overqualified for the jobs that they have.

I know that it is the job market and I fear that because I am not from the US is why I am being overlooked.

But you say you've been in the USA for 2 years already.

IMO, with no result in doing the above, it's time to go do it again. Seriously, go do it again.

re: temp agencies - if you are a fast typist, go work as a typist. The faster ones make 25/hour.

IMO, money in your pocket, your money in your pocket, cures a lot of ill. Sure, you can decide whether or not to contribute to the household, but if you are doing that, then 'not enough money' goes away, and (by your words and my extrapolation) all of his temper tantrum triggers.

So, do it all over again. And God Speed !

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Something is wrong with your job search if you are getting no bites. And don't need a court order to volunteer. What a load of nonsense.

You don't just put your website on the internet and hope someone sees it. You have to apply for jobs.

What job did you have in your country? What is your country?

[Cathi 5,783]

I am not looking for anyone to advise me to leave my husband. I am just here for advice so that I can see things from other peoples perspective.

What I want is for my husband to be a man and see me as his wife. I grew up with both parents and I also believe that the man should take care of his household like my father did for his family. I dont have a problem contributing to our household. In fact, I do that now with no job, but what if I dont get a job soon and how am I suppose to pay off my credit cards if my husband dont want to help me or feels like he is doing enough for me. I have been looking and applying to jobs for the last 12 month nonstop. Its been like a daily job for me, so yes I am actively looking. I told my husband when I get a job I will take over some of the household bills so I do not have a problem with that.

Yes, I am a great housewife. I do keep the house clean, cook, and all the rest.

I agree with you when you say that he is really frustrated instead of mad but please dont take it out on me. I dont like being in this situation as well. Being unemployed makes me feel worthless.

.

In your first post you asked you should give up on your marriage, is that not asking for advice? Then you go on to say that you were brought up in a place where to man should be a breadwinner, that you are a good housewife, yet you feel worthless for not working. You said you have not found a job because you are overqualified for every single job on the internet job sites. Why not take one of those jobs if you really feel,that guilty? My husbands first job was at Walmart. And trust me with a degree in computer engineering he was far too qualified, he was just happy to be working. My husband then took an intern job just to get his foot in the door, he was far too overqualified, but he did what he had to do. Last week after working 3 months of the internship, they hired him full time with good salary and benefits.

Then you go on to,say that no one will allow you to volunteer unless you have a court order. That is absurd, and simply not true for all organizations, you must not have been looking very hard. There are literally hundreds and thousands of organizations that would welcome volunteers, my family and I volunteer at a local soup kitchen, and trust me we don't have a court order to do so.

I am not sure what exactly is going on in your home, but from an outsiders perspective(I could be wrong), perhaps your husband is tired of hearing excuses for why you may or not be working or volunteering. Where there is a will there is a way. The job market in this country is still floundering, so many people still unemployed or underemployed. If you truly want to work, you will have to compromise and start somewhere, even if it's at a minimum wage position.

[Dave-n-Oksana 49]

I have gone downtown several times to pass out my resume to businesses just to be told that no one collects resume any longer you have to post it on their website. My resume is posted on numerous career sites, and listed with temp and staffing agencies. I have successfully passed all the agencies test. One of them said that I may probably be overqualified for the jobs that they have.

I know that it is the job market and I fear that because I am not from the US is why I am being overlooked.

Cindy,

To prevent the above from being an issue I would suggest that you make a master resume that has all your work experience and job history and from that create a custom resume that matches the job you are applying for. Only include the experience that meets the posted job requirements and would likes. And don't forget to include the key words in the job posting (i.e. the type of person they are looking for, processes or program experience) these are important to getting past the first stage.

A lot of companies have a minimum of a 3-stage hiring process. The first level is automated as companies get hundreds of resumes and it is impossible for someone to read through them all. So a company will use a document reader to search resumes for key words in their job postings, and those that meet those requirements are then sent to a HR generalist who then reads through the resume and perform an initial interview. Those that pass the initial interview are then sent to the hiring manager.

You didn't say what country you are from, but that could also be a an issue, as a company may be leery of hiring an immigrant with no US work experience (unless you have worked for an international company or bank). So you may need to apply for a position well below your experience and desire, but once hired you can dazzle them with your experience and knowledge.

I do not want to presume and I hope I have not given you any information that you didn't already know. I'm just trying to help. I also believe that once the financial strain is gone everything will start going the direction you want to go. Trust me, I've been there and if you both work together it will become easier.

Dave

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

Creating a resume is not an exact science and it is oftentimes an ongoing process. If the resume you are submitting is not getting any bites, it's time to reexamine it and make changes. There are plenty of free career services out there they will assist you with writing a resume. When you are applying for jobs, you have to be aggressive about it. Your job is to show a potential employer you are beyond a doubt, the best possible candidate for this job. Writing a stellar cover letter is just as important as your resume.
What about your references? Are you providing names and numbers of previous employers you have worked for abroad? If you are, this is next to useless. Few US employers will waste the time and effort to contact someone in another country. What you need is a typed up letter on professional letterhead of a person you previously worked for/with. This is the next best thing to having a US based reference. This is another excellent reason to start volunteering. You are opening up the door to have a US based reference listed on your resume.
When you get interviews, prepare thoroughly. Research the company, walk yourself through a mock interview, and after the interview follow up with a thank you email. If you do not hear from them within a few days to a week, feel free to contact them and ask if they have filled the position. This will help you stand above the other candidates.
I'm in no way an expert but I do know a thing or two about job hunting. I've been laid off twice in three years and writing cover letters and resumes has become second nature to me. I will be giving my husband the same advice once he immigrates to the US.
I know how frustrating it can be but staying at home all day is only going to increase your feelings of worthlessness. It's human nature to attach your self of worth and self-esteem to your career. Get out of the house as often as you can. Best of luck in your job search.

[dwheels76 5,468]

Also one thing you may consider is check your city for Job workshops. I went through one that helps people with criminal backgrounds and others just can’t find a job. I don’t have criminal background but I figured what the heck. It was free and after the 8 day program and you graduated they had the entire city of Houston at your feet to offer jobs. Some would only hire folk that went through this program (pretty cool)

Google and network for mixers and meetings of professionals. Trust me I know I am a USC and have over 10 years of experience as a QA Analyst/Tester and it has been horrific getting work. I go from contract job to contract job (You might want to consider that).

See your issue is now like what I went through BIG BIG job gap you need to fill that any way you can. And yes looking for a job is a job in itself. If unemployed if you aren’t spending at least 8 to 10 hours online (yes the new age people) than you aren’t serious.

What about the unemployment office, job center? They post jobs all the time. You may have to lower expectations a little just to get foot in door.

As for the rest of what you said about your husband as others have said counseling. WISE counseling. Is there someone a Pastor you can seek for guidance? If seeking friends (leave family out) be sure it’s someone who loves and respects you both and can be objective.