Should I return home or try to work it out?

[CindyR 1]

I need some advice to help me decide what to do.

I really don't believe in divorce but seriously considering it. I am lonely and tired of feeling hopeless and worthless.

I have been married for almost 3 years, but I am still on CR green card because I had to wait a year while married just to get approved. We have no children because my husband feels that we can’t afford children. I really want to have children. I love my husband dearly, but this last year he had many issues with me not working. Several times he exploded on me about why I can’t help him pay the bills even though I am unemployed. I feel so bad and get so depressed when he does this. The stress of being with him is only making me sick and depress.

When we were dating he told me not to worry if I can’t find a job, because he has to pay his bills anyway. He is not rich but he has money and a good job. He is cheap and lazy. He never buys me anything except food. I feel like his maid instead of his wife.

I asked him to help me buy a car to get around and to go to job interviews but he said he don't have any money even though he has money saved. He never leaves any money on our joint account and only put enough money on it to cover his monthly bills. If I want anything for me or the house I have to put it on my credit card. I asked him to give me some money monthly to help me pay my credit card and he said he does enough for me already. When his tax refund came in it was double because of joint filing and he bragged about it but he did not buy me anything or give me something from it.

I am considering going back to my country but I really don't want to do so. I have been applying for jobs all day like it is a full time job but the job market here in Florida is crappy. I am more than qualified for jobs but no one will hire me. I have been to many job fairs and sign up with many temp/staffing agencies and still no luck finding a job. I have a degree from a US university and have years of experience in the banking and legal industry.

I left a good solid job in my country to be here with him. I love him and I thought he loves me, but I don't think he loves me. I think he is in love with the things I can do for him. So....if you were in my shoes what would you do?

Should I give up on our marriage? I really don’t want to return to my country because I don’t have anything to move back to unless I start all over again.

I look forward to all comments.

[Ontarkie 14,394]

~~Thread Moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits, from Moving Here and your new life in America- As a more appropriate forum~~

Moderator Hat Off

Since you don't know if you want to go back to your home country I wanted to mention that you do have the option to stay here in the US and remove conditions on your own. You will need proof of entering the marriage in good faith, and apply with a waiver to remove conditions.

Since you did ask for all comments here's my thoughts. I'd leave you said he doesn't love you, and does not want to have kids which you do. Well those two comments are deal breakers for me. I would never want to live in a loveless marriage or waste my time hoping my partner changed their mind about having kids, I would grow bitter and resent the that person till the end of time. I'd leave and try another state to start over, I may end up going back home but heck I learned long ago never to make huge life changing decisions when I'm not thinking clear. So starting off in another city/state would be where I would start, then go from there.

Good luck, with what ever choice you make.

[bettypentiér44 12]

I don't think anybody should be advising you on whether you should divorce your husband or not. It's really not anybody's decision but your own. I think what you need to do is sit down and really think about your relationship, whether you truly love your husband and if you actually want to stay. When you say he does't buy you anything - do you mean anything at all, such as essentials, or do you mean stuff you want but don't need like a new bag or clothes? If the latter then I think you need to reevaluate what you are looking for out of the relationship.

I'm not on either of your sides as I don't know either of you and you have only given your side of the story, but I will say in regards to him not buying you a car or wanting to have children because you you guys can't afford it, but you think you can, I would have to agree with him on that. Just because he got a tax refund and makes good money does't mean that there is necessarily a ton of extra cash laying around (again, I could be wrong, but I'm just going on the bare bones of the information you gave). If you are not working then he is paying for everything on his own. And whilst that is not your fault if you genuinly can't get a job, you've got to understand the nature of your situation. If you are not working and have a lot of free time on your hands then I think it is the least you can to maintain the home you guys live in (that he pays for) and cook meals. If you don't even do that than what is it you are contributing to the relationship? At that point you are there, whining about being taken care of while not doing a thing to help. Don't look at household duties as you being a maid, but look at it as your part of contributing to the household and playing an active role in the relationship. I know it may seem tough at times if that's all you're doing, but you can't expect him to do everything!

I think you need to look at the situation from both sides and then sit down and talk to him about everything. I'm sure if he gets mad at you it's not because he's actually mad at you, but more because he has a lot on his plate to deal with and he's frustrated with the situation.

When you say you are looking for work, how active are you actually being? Are you following up with things? I know you say you have a degree and a lot of experience in certain roles, but maybe while you are waiting for something big to come along, why don't you start applying for jobs at local stores or supermarkets or something? I know it may seem a little beneath you but at least it will be some money coming in from you while you look for something else and it will show to him that you are making an effort.

And if this sounds like I'm being mean, I'm not! And I'm sorry if it comes across like that, but I think you are focus don the wrong things right now. Look at the bigger picture of everything!

Edited November 19, 2013 by bettypentiér44

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Tell him you are leaving ONLY if it is safe to do so. If you feel threatened just pack and leave when he is not at home. If hw does not love you how will you live in that kind of relationship? You don't have to leave the US. Good luck and GOD BLESS

[bettypentiér44 12]

Sorry, but she never said he doesn't want to have kids with her. She said that he had said they can't afford it right now - two totally different things! Plus, she said "I don't think he loves me" - she never said that he has confirmed he doesn't love her. This is something she feels right now given the situation she feels she is in.

~~Thread Moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits, from Moving Here and your new life in America- As a more appropriate forum~~

Moderator Hat Off

Since you don't know if you want to go back to your home country I wanted to mention that you do have the option to stay here in the US and remove conditions on your own. You will need proof of entering the marriage in good faith, and apply with a waiver to remove conditions.

Since you did ask for all comments here's my thoughts. I'd leave you said he doesn't love you, and does not want to have kids which you do. Well those two comments are deal breakers for me. I would never want to live in a loveless marriage or waste my time hoping my partner changed their mind about having kids, I would grow bitter and resent the that person till the end of time. I'd leave and try another state to start over, I may end up going back home but heck I learned long ago never to make huge life changing decisions when I'm not thinking clear. So starting off in another city/state would be where I would start, then go from there.

Good luck, with what ever choice you make.

[besaangel 18]

Id suggest a bit of counselling, possibly?! There seems to be things you guys are not properly communicating about to each other and probably a mediator is a good way to resolve this.

Id also suggest finding ANY job that you are eligible for; like retail. Although not ideal, this could be a "breather" for him to see you contributing. I understand that he initially was fine with you being unemployed but obviously this has changed. Id say try to get a part time gig even if its barely enough for you to have your own spending money.

Im sorry you are going through this and I wish you guys the best

[Darnell 8,479]

I say the two of you get naked in a hot tub/jacuzzi for the weekend and have a long talk about this.

If you don't want to do that, then print out a big stack of resumes in USA format,

and go in to his work one day.

Once you're out of the car, apply at his jobsite.

Then walk around the rest of the day, dropping off resumes at the companies around his jobsite, and filling out applications.

If'n yer hired at any company along your walking path, that's a plus! He doesn't have to drive extra, out of his way, to get you to work and you can start squirreling away yer own monies ...

Edited November 19, 2013 by Darnell

[lost_at_sea 995]

I like Darnell's suggestion. Building some independence for yourself will make it a lot easier for you to make decisions about what you want to do, and how you want to do them, especially if you decide you *do* want to leave him - much easier to do so with a secret squirrel stash to help get you set back up.

Another suggestion if I was in your shoes... If I was really in love and wanted it to work, I'd try some couple's counselling. I know it sounds a bit lame, but money matters are horrible to work out on your own, and having someone objective to help you to talk to one another about what you want might be a good idea. Also, that you want children and he doesn't is kind of a Big Deal in any marriage - so probably best to work that out somehow. Although, with the way you describe him, he probably wouldn't want to pay for the sessions.

[NikLR 13,231]

It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your husband about how you feel and how he feels.

[VickyP 34]

Where in Florida do you live?

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I think you are more feeling isolated and dependent than any other thing you directly mentioned. What do you do during the day while your husband work ( or night ) Do you have something you do ? Do you get out go to the library or stores ? Have you though about something to occupy your time that may lead to something more ? Check out http://www.volunteermatch.org/ or even pinterest maybe you can find something that makes you feel more fulfilled and could lead to a few extra dollars or help build your resume

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

I need some advice to help me decide what to do.

I really don't believe in divorce but seriously considering it. I am lonely and tired of feeling hopeless and worthless.

I have been married for almost 3 years, but I am still on CR green card because I had to wait a year while married just to get approved. We have no children because my husband feels that we can’t afford children. I really want to have children. I love my husband dearly, but this last year he had many issues with me not working. Several times he exploded on me about why I can’t help him pay the bills even though I am unemployed. I feel so bad and get so depressed when he does this. The stress of being with him is only making me sick and depress.

When we were dating he told me not to worry if I can’t find a job, because he has to pay his bills anyway. He is not rich but he has money and a good job. He is cheap and lazy. He never buys me anything except food. I feel like his maid instead of his wife.

I asked him to help me buy a car to get around and to go to job interviews but he said he don't have any money even though he has money saved. He never leaves any money on our joint account and only put enough money on it to cover his monthly bills. If I want anything for me or the house I have to put it on my credit card. I asked him to give me some money monthly to help me pay my credit card and he said he does enough for me already. When his tax refund came in it was double because of joint filing and he bragged about it but he did not buy me anything or give me something from it.

I am considering going back to my country but I really don't want to do so. I have been applying for jobs all day like it is a full time job but the job market here in Florida is crappy. I am more than qualified for jobs but no one will hire me. I have been to many job fairs and sign up with many temp/staffing agencies and still no luck finding a job. I have a degree from a US university and have years of experience in the banking and legal industry.

I left a good solid job in my country to be here with him. I love him and I thought he loves me, but I don't think he loves me. I think he is in love with the things I can do for him. So....if you were in my shoes what would you do?

Should I give up on our marriage? I really don’t want to return to my country because I don’t have anything to move back to unless I start all over again.

I look forward to all comments.

Personally I think folks pay too much attention to the immigration process than to sustaining and cultivating their relationships.

As an example, I prepared and am ready for my Wife not to be productive for up to 2 years. We discussed this, we discussed that first priority is learning English, then getting a drivers license, getting some job and then going back to school for a career, all leading NOT to a permanent stay in the US but an eventual exodus back to Nigeria

What was your plan as a responsible couple?

Secondly, I am almost certain that your Husband is not a deranged lunatic who is also a control freak. Why am I so sure? No reasonable human would move to another country with such a person.

My suggestion is to work with your Husband (though don't surfer abuse of any kind), get on your feet, etc

[Bugs 455]

Sounds like a bit of a control freak and insensitive. You made a huge sacrifice by giving up everything to come here (rather than he going there), so at least he should be a bit more appreciative of that and help you feel more at home and a normal part of the society you are in now.

[CindyR 1]

~~Thread Moved to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits, from Moving Here and your new life in America- As a more appropriate forum~~

Moderator Hat Off

Since you don't know if you want to go back to your home country I wanted to mention that you do have the option to stay here in the US and remove conditions on your own. You will need proof of entering the marriage in good faith, and apply with a waiver to remove conditions.

Since you did ask for all comments here's my thoughts. I'd leave you said he doesn't love you, and does not want to have kids which you do. Well those two comments are deal breakers for me. I would never want to live in a loveless marriage or waste my time hoping my partner changed their mind about having kids, I would grow bitter and resent the that person till the end of time. I'd leave and try another state to start over, I may end up going back home but heck I learned long ago never to make huge life changing decisions when I'm not thinking clear. So starting off in another city/state would be where I would start, then go from there.

Good luck, with what ever choice you make.

Thank you for the comment.

I think he loves me in his own way. He just didnt know that he had to support a wife when he married me. He thought that because of my occupation that I would of gotten a job right away when I moved here. I guess he is disappointed and feel like I may be a burden on him. I am already having that bitter resentment towards him since this is not the first or second time he exploded on me with this issue.

[CindyR 1]

I don't think anybody should be advising you on whether you should divorce your husband or not. It's really not anybody's decision but your own. I think what you need to do is sit down and really think about your relationship, whether you truly love your husband and if you actually want to stay. When you say he does't buy you anything - do you mean anything at all, such as essentials, or do you mean stuff you want but don't need like a new bag or clothes? If the latter then I think you need to reevaluate what you are looking for out of the relationship.

I'm not on either of your sides as I don't know either of you and you have only given your side of the story, but I will say in regards to him not buying you a car or wanting to have children because you you guys can't afford it, but you think you can, I would have to agree with him on that. Just because he got a tax refund and makes good money does't mean that there is necessarily a ton of extra cash laying around (again, I could be wrong, but I'm just going on the bare bones of the information you gave). If you are not working then he is paying for everything on his own. And whilst that is not your fault if you genuinly can't get a job, you've got to understand the nature of your situation. If you are not working and have a lot of free time on your hands then I think it is the least you can to maintain the home you guys live in (that he pays for) and cook meals. If you don't even do that than what is it you are contributing to the relationship? At that point you are there, whining about being taken care of while not doing a thing to help. Don't look at household duties as you being a maid, but look at it as your part of contributing to the household and playing an active role in the relationship. I know it may seem tough at times if that's all you're doing, but you can't expect him to do everything!

I think you need to look at the situation from both sides and then sit down and talk to him about everything. I'm sure if he gets mad at you it's not because he's actually mad at you, but more because he has a lot on his plate to deal with and he's frustrated with the situation.

When you say you are looking for work, how active are you actually being? Are you following up with things? I know you say you have a degree and a lot of experience in certain roles, but maybe while you are waiting for something big to come along, why don't you start applying for jobs at local stores or supermarkets or something? I know it may seem a little beneath you but at least it will be some money coming in from you while you look for something else and it will show to him that you are making an effort.

And if this sounds like I'm being mean, I'm not! And I'm sorry if it comes across like that, but I think you are focus don the wrong things right now. Look at the bigger picture of everything!

I am not looking for anyone to advise me to leave my husband. I am just here for advice so that I can see things from other people’s perspective.

What I want is for my husband to be a man and see me as his wife. I grew up with both parents and I also believe that the man should take care of his household like my father did for his family. I don’t have a problem contributing to our household. In fact, I do that now with no job, but what if I don’t get a job soon and how am I suppose to pay off my credit cards if my husband don’t want to help me or feels like he is doing enough for me. I have been looking and applying to jobs for the last 12 month nonstop. It’s been like a daily job for me, so yes I am actively looking. I told my husband when I get a job I will take over some of the household bills so I do not have a problem with that.

Yes, I am a great housewife. I do keep the house clean, cook, and all the rest.

I agree with you when you say that he is really frustrated instead of mad but please don’t take it out on me. I don’t like being in this situation as well. Being unemployed makes me feel worthless.