step children, picky eater

[Ontarkie 14,220]

The thing is she can't in good conscious let this child go to bed hungry. The little girl is already suffering from bad nutrition.

I think if you can you should encourage your husband to go to therapy to help the two of you get past this, and come up with a plan that he can support you with. But if he won't step up you are wasting your energy, it should not be like this but sometimes the parent just can't get their head out of their butt to see what damage he/she is causing. I think he should really get therapy to see what step he needs to get over this guilt he has.

[MIDUVIL 34]

I have one rule on picky eating and I have implemented this on my own children from the time they were toddlers.

Whenever they have the picky tantrums, I just let them be. I don't force them to eat. Once they feel the hunger and their stomach growling they will eat whatever food I put on the table. Make sure they don't have access to other stuff like cookies or chips. Give them milk or fruit juice until they decide to eat.

It would be different if she was alone, it is easier to let the child feel hungrier, but if the child finds somebody to "help" her or him, like a daddy who give cereal or for me this afternoon, 3 donuts. It's more difficult.

Maybe, working on the daddy is the best solution, showing him some documentation about the consequences of eating too much chicken nuggets with pictures.

Wish you good luck.

And you're Not At All a mean step-mother,

Edited November 14, 2013 by MIDUVIL

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

I know you've taken her shopping with you, but how about having her help make the food? Get her into the creative process of eating. I have a fairly picky daughter (she's 15) and she has eaten better when I let her help in the kitchen. Bigger mess, and a bit more time consuming but she enjoys it.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I have a feeling this is more than about food with this girl. By refusing to eat she causes tension in the household and in you, and makes a martyr out of herself. She is truly hurting. I'm not a doctor, that's just my thoughts.

[bigdog 376]

Maybe a consult with your personal physician with all in attendance, would help.

[2018JourneyDone 77]

Take her on a special shopping trip and have her pick some things out... Cut any veggies really small... Make versions of what she likes (I made a chicken nugget lasagna once ). But make her a part of the process not just subject of it, it might help address some of the control issues...

Couldn't agree more with this advice! Involve her completely in making her meals, etc. Sometimes looking at this from the child's persepective can help too. She also is adjusting to new situations, feeling torn between the two households, etc. Give it time. I definitely would not approach it as a "my way or the highway" scenario. Trust me on this. I was previously married and also mother to a step child. I felt as if I had to bridge the gap from moms... well... lack of parenting. Let me tell you, don't go down that road - it's a lose/lose for all involved. Approach it from a friendship way, not a parenting one. She has a mom and dad already. You need to earn that trust to be viewed as another "parent", it is not a given easily by some children. For the time, until this trust is gained, love them, have fun with them, involve them in the cooking, etc. Anything and everything...except full-on parenting. Leave that (even if you disagree with the techniques) to their mom and dad for now.

I feel for you and can completely relate!! It was as if I was viewing myself 15-yrs ago reading this post. The moment I took my ego out of the picture, wow! Talk about a difference... Anyway, just my 2-cents worth of advice/experience Best of luck with everything

Edited November 14, 2013 by Corey&Guyvens

[PearlyLemons 13]

I am not a parent, but I have worked in daycares for five years and in an elementary school,for two years as a teacher's aide, so I will chime in with what has worked for me and the colleagues I worked with.

First off, I just want to say that you are doing a wonderful job as a step-mother. You are obviously very concerned about your step-children and also your girls back in Canada. I actually take my hat off to you because I can't imagine the range of emotions you're feeling right now! Don't get discouraged. It always tears me up when a step parent steps into the role of the parents and wanting the best for kids, but I understand it can be very trying (from observation, not experience )

First off, your husband's girls seem to be going through an emotional time, You can have the best will in the world as a step-mother and want the best for his two girls but due to their age, they may not reciprocate these feelings. Their world as they know it has been turned upside down by their dad getting married and now they have another person in their house and they're obviously not quite sure on how to react or how to cope. Before the eating is addressed, I would address the emotional issues the girls are having. A few posters have suggested family therapy - could this be an option? I think it could benefit all of you with this new family unit you've created. When children are emotionally fragile, eating is usually one of the first things that go by the wayside.

I know this sounds soooo simple, but have you sat down and played with the girls, and got involved with their play time, interests and hobbies? Perhaps play games with them? Help them to decorate their room? If you do things with your girls that does not involve a battle of wills (with the eating) they will learn to trust you and see them as somebody who is "on their side", rather than this woman who is trying to make them eat their veggies!

Another poster suggested you take them grocery shopping with you - I wouldn't do this straight away, I would work on the bonding first. Perhaps you could suggest you go to the store and you could write out a shopping list together (draw pictures of food items for the little one) and help them shop with you. You could ask them questions such as "Oh, where do you think we can find the milk in the store - do you think it could be in the cool section?". You could pick up unusual food (I found a star fruit the other day - never seen one in my life, haha) and I was fascinated! (I'm 25, just to put this into context!) and perhaps purchase it and look up online together how to eat it and prepare it? The girls could help you prepare dinner (it might help if you talk about how yummy the food is that you're cooking but don't mention anything about them eating it - it puts pressure on - you want the pressure away from the fact that they're not eating, and this should help with their curiosity and subsequent trying of food.

Another suggestion would be having the girls go to the store and pick out a "special" plate (pink with sparkles, maybe? and cutlery set that's just for them, They can get them out of the cupboards, wash them up, and perhaps dish their own food up on them. This help creates a sense of ownership and responsibility with the girls and it may encourage them to eat from the plates because they are "theirs".

Food-wise, fruit smoothies are nice and pleasant to taste for young children, you can blend (read, hide!) veggies into most sauces, you could make home made chicken nuggets and home made fries or wedges by using potatoes. Finger foods might work also - cut up carrots with some dip, blueberries, and small pieces of cut up chicken. Children sometimes like to pick and play with their food before they feel confident to eat it. Let them explore a little.

If they still refuse to eat, don't give them yes or no options. Word things so the children have a choice. You could say " Well, you can either eat with us at the table, eat on your own in the lounge, or sit over there away from the dinner table until we are finished eating". Don't get angry, exasperated or show any emotion in your voice. If they choose to sit on their own they will more than likely get bored (especially after all the emotional work you've done with them and thus the bond has been built) and venture back to the table. Don't mention if they do come back, just let them find their own place at the table, as it were. If they do manage to eat a few mouthfuls, praise them, but not in the over the top sense. Say, "Name, I am very happy you decided to come and join us at the table, it's lovely to sit and eat with you" and leave it at that. If their dad isn't home, you could also mention that you're going to tell their father how well they've done eating and sitting at the table.

I would also put very little on their plates, sometimes a plate of food can look completely overwhelming to little ones and if they do manage to eat some of their dinner, you can perhaps put a star on a sticker chart. If the chart gets filled up by the end of the week for each of them, perhaps a little treat to mark their achievements (NOT food related though - perhaps a trip out to the movies, or new ball?)

With regards to your girls, could you set up Skype conversations where you all sit around the computer and chat, including your step-daughters? This might help give a sense of unity. Introduce them to each other, and get the girls interested in one another. Maybe your girls could ask your step-daughters questions about their day/games/meals whilst on Skype, and vice-versa. I think if you work on the emotional well- being of the girls, the food will follow. I wish you all the best of luck!

Finally, I can understand how frustrated you must be, but please don't be discouraged - you're doing great!

.

[PearlyLemons 13]

Also, sorry for the add-on, make sure hubby is on board. Tell him you're worried about the girls, want to be a good step-mother and role model, and tell him you need his back up at meal times and to be on board with whatever you try. The girls need to see you both as a team. He needs to step up, most definitely,

If the 10 year old is somewhat mature and open with you, I would try and be honest with her. Say, "I know I'm not your mom, but I care very much about you, your sister and you dad, and I want the best for all of us. Is there anything I can do to make you girls feel better? Perhaps you would like to come to the store with me and we can make our own chicken nuggets- could you and sister help me prepare them for dinner?".

She might react in a positive way to you, because you have given her some adult conversation, and also let on you're not "untouchable" as an adult - try and find out what she likes, what she likes to do, if she can influence her little sister to try new foods via her trying new foods. I'd try building bonds with the girls on your own merit ,

I'm sure you know all this - you're a sensible adult with a family - just wanting to encourage you.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Hi - I read your first post last night and have been thinking about your situation since then. It resonates with me a lot - I became a step-mum when I married my US hubby, I was a picky eater myself as a child, and I currently have a three-year-old of my own who (after being an amazing eater as a 2-year-old) is going through a more picky phase.

I second all of PearlyLemon's points above about encouraging family bonding and removing as much stress and tension from the situation as possible.

I would just like to add some comments about picky (or particular) eating from my own experiences.

I think picky eating is a complex subject and there are lots of reasons why it happens, but I think it often comes down to these three areas:

1. Control

Whether to put something in your mouth and swallow is one of the things children do have control over and they also become aware from a very early age that not eating can be a highly charged issue which gives them a lot of attention. It's one of the reasons some toddlers go through a picky stage - it's exhilarating to be able to control something that gets the 'big' people all worked up. In older children it can be a form of protest or a reaction to emotional trauma or for teens connected to body issues.

2. Getting trapped in a 'white food' cycle and being nervous about trying new things.

Bread, yogurt, chips, cheese, pasta, potatoes, - sometimes kids are nervous about trying new things and need a lot of time to get used to the idea of a new food, it parents give up offering new tastes and flavours then they get trapped in a vicious circle where they only feel safe eating the items they feel safe with. One child psychologist said many small children are neophobic and it can take up to 30 times of being offered a new food before they feel comfortable trying it. Imagine that 30 times of just seeing it and it may take another 30 before they admit to liking it. In other words it's not a case of being offered carrots twice and then being someone who 'doesn't like carrots'

3. Having a particular palate or a physical reaction to the sight, flavour, smell, or texture of certain foods.

This was me a child. Certain foods just made me feel as though I was going to be sick if I had to keep chewing them and eating them. I found it really hard to eat cooked vegetables until I was in my late teens. I absolutely loved raw vegetables though, so my Mum just gave me a side plate of all the vegetables uncooked that she was making for the meal. As an adult I can now eat cooked vegetables to be polite or easy when others are cooking for me but I would still prefer to eat them raw. I used to hate steak and was constantly upset about being 'forced' to eat it until when I was 14 I went to France and had my first rare steak - it was a revelation - I loved rare steak but as my Mum had always cooked it well done I hadn't known there was another option.

If you have never felt that way about any foods it's very difficult to emphasise with - and it's a miserable experience of having to chew and swallow food which is making you feel sick. And it's not something that you can just 'get over'

It could be that in your step-daughter's case it's a combination of all three issues. And you might have to have a multi-layered approach to helping her out of this difficult corner she seems to have backed herself into over mealtimes.

To deal with the control issues you might need to go for therapy as some have suggested above, or just back off the meal time battles to lower the pressure for everyone and concentrate of bonding and earning her trust as PearlyLemons suggested above.

To deal with a limited range of foods or actual food phobias then I'd suggest tasting sessions, having her help prepare food with you, let her choose recipes to cook, drawing up a family menu plan which has meals everyone likes, joint shopping trips etc but I'd suggest not pushing too hard to achieve all this at once so that it doesn't become too pressured for everyone.

I think the most important thing is to not think there is a quick solution - it might take months if not years to reverse the current situation. She's lucky she has you, because it sounds as though you really care about her welfare and want to help her.

Because it's probably not going to be a quick fix then I do think you and your husband need to consult with her pediatrician and find out if there is a supplement she could be taking to help make sure she is getting the nutrients she needs. Pediasure or something like that - or at the very least one of those kids chewy multivitamins.

Then it might be easier to relax about whether she is getting the nutrients she needs and focus on a way to make food and family mealtimes a pleasure for her.

[AmyWrites 593]

Puree veggies.

Put Food Network on. She'll want to try something she sees, eventually.

[inlovesalem 17]

Wow, thank you everyone!!!

First, again, I have taken her to pick out things within reason for dinners, and have already done the letting her help prepare, she gets all excited, then when it comes time to eat, she refuses and cries and asks to just go to her room instead... (weeknights the nannie at her mothers feeds them junk before we pick them up, so she wouldn't really go hungry and why i think she asks to just go to her room)

Secondly, she's eaten this way her whole life. SO, I had taken that into account when trying to get her to try new things, at first I make separate meals, but couldnt bring myself to continue to feed the kid nuggets anymore.

As was mentioned, yes she is MOST DEFINITELY stuck in a white food cycle!! This is DEAD on!! exeption (anything sweet)

Third, the family councelling sounds like a fantastic idea. I think we really need it for her sake and for our sanity. I know she has a love/hate relationship with her mother. Her mother never wanted kids, but hubby did. IMHP they never should have as they both travelled more then they were ever home, so nannies and grandparents raised them...where the eating comes in, 19 yr old nannie and a grandparent allowed them to eat whatever they wanted...there was NEVER any structure in these children's lives,until I came along...so yes shock for all of us for sure

Fourth, I started as "the friend" and I continue to take the oldest out shopping and just us time, as her mother never does anything with her only the youngest..again, why I know this is a control issue with her. She will take ANY attention she can get..also, she has told me she knows I am so strict about the eating is because I care and will hug me. I'm always there for her, I help with her projects and take her yard saling for fun things for her room.

Everyone had great advice and thank you ALL for your time and input!! I will and am taking it all into consideration, especially the family therapy..It's nice (and not so nice) to know others have been or are in my situation and can relate.

Just on top of this and missing my own girls (actually my youngest messaged me about how much she misses my cooking just last night, I broke down a bit in anger to know here is my daughter wishing for her mother to be there to eat my meals and then there is this child who has no appreciation for what is being done for her) Maybe I raised my kids to quickly, but I'm sorry, they were not disrespecful towards me or any adult at these ages. Of course I never let them get away with so much either...nope they aren't perfect but they have always been appreciative..she even mentioned she hadnt cared for my spaghetti and I said well it couldnt have bee that bad, you ate it, she said I only ate it to make you happy...ahhh shucks miss that kid!!

[inlovesalem 17]

The pediatric has already said she needs iron supplements and a multi, ON TOP of eating better as the supplements won't get her through life, she is very sickly all the time and looks like a skeleton. He cheeks are hollow with purple circles under her eyes....She's not just your typical skinny child.

The problem for hubby has been he would take them out to eat every night before I came along, as he didn't have time after work to feed them/or well doesnt know how to cook either...and the mother fed them bread and butter and bagel bites, plus other junk, there was never any fruits or veggies in their house. The nannie open fridge door a few months back in front of hubby because she was frustrated there was never any food in the house, and it was empty besides some ketchup and a fw other condiments...again, just more to add to the list for an attorney

Ultimately we want full custody so we can control this matter more effeciently...it's hard when it's one sided, and now even worse that hubby has also thrown in the towel.

Edited November 14, 2013 by inlovesalem

[NikLR 13,227]

Some kids you can't force to eat anything better. I agree that you make your meals and try to find something in them that she'll like (homemade chicken nuggets?) You really cannot do anything about what they eat at their mother's unless their dad wants to fight for custody. Which if the children are being at home with a nanny, or grandma most of the time, he might just win.

I feel for you as my daughter is really picky. I really don't have any more suggestions that have been given, just that I understand how you feel.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Will she drink Boost or some similar vitamin supplement drink? I went through a sickness where I couldn't chew. I lived on Boost until I got through it. It can even be frozen and made into ice cream or milk shakes.

[carocaro 22]

Read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Most realistic book about being a stepmother to girls...and I have personally read them ALL!!! *wink*