To all VJ ladies! Have you opted to NOT change your last name?

[TeaCup 65]

Must be a long way to travel from Ireland! I'm also the first in my family to visit the US. How huge is huge? I'm an only child and the youngest at home, so there's no one to buy candy for lol. I bought a lot of sunscreen to take back with me to Singapore, after realizing just how cheap cosmetics are here! Which part of the US will you two be settling in? Suburban living?

Well, I have 5 siblings (all older!) 7 nieces, 1 nephew! Then friends and their children.. lol

I bought like 2 huge bottles of factor 85 sunsreen!!!! haha i'm soooo pale and burn really easy, and you can't get sunscreen like that in Ireland.

Well, my husband is from Illinois, so that's where we'll be staying, in the suburbs. I love it!

The flight from Ireland is about 8 hours or so direct, but the first time I flew over I went from Dublin Ireland to Atlanta Georgia (2hour stop over) Then from there to chicago, NEVER AGAIN!! lol .. When you fly from Singapore, do you fly direct? I don't think I could be on a plane that long..

[lost_at_sea 995]

I kept my own name. I don't see any reason to take his - why would his family name be more important than mine?

[hobbit 10]

I kept my own name. I don't see any reason to take his - why would his family name be more important than mine?

Thanks for sharing! Did you tell your husband that?

[lost_at_sea 995]

Thanks for sharing! Did you tell your husband that?

Of course I did. I said he's welcome to take my name if he cares to have the same surname. He hasn't bothered.

[hobbit 10]

Well, I have 5 siblings (all older!) 7 nieces, 1 nephew! Then friends and their children.. lol

I bought like 2 huge bottles of factor 85 sunsreen!!!! haha i'm soooo pale and burn really easy, and you can't get sunscreen like that in Ireland.

Well, my husband is from Illinois, so that's where we'll be staying, in the suburbs. I love it!

The flight from Ireland is about 8 hours or so direct, but the first time I flew over I went from Dublin Ireland to Atlanta Georgia (2hour stop over) Then from there to chicago, NEVER AGAIN!! lol .. When you fly from Singapore, do you fly direct? I don't think I could be on a plane that long..

There's no direct flight from Singapore. We have our layover in Narita, Tokyo and then POE at LAX. From LAX to PHX, it's an hour's flight, so it isn't that bad. The worst leg is always from Tokyo (or maybe even Seoul) to the US because it takes up at least 10 hours of sitting in the plane. Singapore to Narita takes about 6 hours, and you're still 'fresh' so it can feel comfortable. I threw up on the flight once from LAX to Tokyo two hours before descending, and it felt terrible being stuck in a window seat! So total time in the air is about 16-18 hours. 20 hours plus if you count getting to the airport, waiting around, and travelling again once you're past passport control. I had a really bad experience in ATL once, because I had forgotten to print out my return itinerary- the officer wouldn't let me off unless I showed it to him somehow, and so I wrote down my email address and password for him to access it. Actually before that episode, the CPB lady at passport control couldn't believe that I was in college and able to spend my holidays in the US so that's why she sent me over. I've resorted to profiling officers now, before joining the queue, wherever possible!

I've never been to Chicago, though I'd like to visit! I met two of our neighbours (a couple with a gorgeous golden retriever!) last evening, because my husband is collecting signatures to stop a large retail company from building a warehouse-sized store behind us. I'm glad to know more people around where we are. Do you live in the suburbs in Dublin as well?

[christeen 966]

Thanks for sharing! Did you tell your husband that?

What would it be sooooo important to a husband that their wife gives up HER identity? It seems Like property they feel they have to put their name on it, so nobody steals their toy?... I really don't understand the big deal in keeping your given name and I dont understand a man that would be that insecure to have to outright insist on it? Is it just me?

[hobbit 10]

What would it be sooooo important to a husband that their wife gives up HER identity? It seems Like property they feel they have to put their name on it, so nobody steals their toy?... I really don't understand the big deal in keeping your given name and I dont understand a man that would be that insecure to have to outright insist on it? Is it just me?

Hi christeen,

I definitely don't think it should be a big deal at all. I had hoped that by starting this thread, to learn more about other women's decisions to keep/change (or add to) their family name. It's a practice which dates back to the time when women did not have autonomy over themselves, and assumed her husband's name upon marriage because women was considered 'property' to be transferred between father and husband. It's basically rooted in Anglo-Saxon tradition, and still seems to be the convention. I personally don't think a name change correlates to the quality of the marriage, and neither should anyone insist so.

Men don't usually get asked anything beyond what their favorite football team is. Women are the ones who usually have to reply to questions like "Why are you still working?", "Why don't you want children?", why, why, why....And so, I know it sounds as if I am reinforcing that here, but I started this thread truly out of curiosity as a newlywed-to-be, and not to judge anyone's choice.

[christeen 966]

But that is just it... It should be the woman's choice... By commenting "did you tell your husband that" it seems that you are in fact reinforcing the idea that by not taking the husbands name will be looked upon poorly by the husband or others. In your past posts you seem apprehensive about broaching the subject.

For me... If a woman chooses to change her name, great, that is her option... but if she does not, that should be perfectly acceptable too. It also depends on your culture. For many, the family name is important and is kept by the woman (children however usually get the husbands name).

I guess being in an "unconventional" marriage my whole life, I have gotten to an age where I no longer give a $h/t what questions people have or what is socially correct. i figure it is our lives and we do what is right for OUR relationship... Nobody else's opinion of what is right/wrong really matters. The best advice i would give to a newlywed would be to ignore what "others" think and tell you and do what is right and works for you...

[hobbit 10]

But that is just it... It should be the woman's choice... By commenting "did you tell your husband that" it seems that you are in fact reinforcing the idea that by not taking the husbands name will be looked upon poorly by the husband or others. In your past posts you seem apprehensive about broaching the subject.

For me... If a woman chooses to change her name, great, that is her option... but if she does not, that should be perfectly acceptable too. It also depends on your culture. For many, the family name is important and is kept by the woman (children however usually get the husbands name).

I guess being in an "unconventional" marriage my whole life, I have gotten to an age where I no longer give a $h/t what questions people have or what is socially correct. i figure it is our lives and we do what is right for OUR relationship... Nobody else's opinion of what is right/wrong really matters. The best advice i would give to a newlywed would be to ignore what "others" think and tell you and do what is right and works for you...

I asked "Did you tell your husband that?" as a genuine question, and did not mean to sound pointed. Since this is online, I can guess how my tone probably came across differently. It is true that not everyone agrees that a married woman should keep her family name, and I would like to find out about those attitudes as well. And it is evident, from the experiences of those who replied, that it is a gendered expectation- it isn't as if no one discusses it at all, and keepers such as lost_at_sea have had to tell their husbands why they choose to. I'm interested in this issue on a personal and intellectual level. I majored in Sociology in university, and my studies taught me to look at the everyday decisions we make as a product of socio-historical forces. To use an example which you mentioned: Children take on the father's name, even if the mother retains her family name (her father's last name). But the children have 50% of the mother's DNA too, so why do some cultures ignore this? On a personal level, I know that my husband grew up in a different era and is accustomed to certain ideas about women, such as the topic of this thread. The other idea he has is about women's 'maternal instinct', and still questions me from time to time if I will change my mind (I don't want children AT ALL). I want to be able to explain my decision diplomatically and hope he understands, that's all. If I sound apprehensive, it's because I really do care about his feelings, and wouldn't want this to be an issue for us.

[TeaCup 65]

There's no direct flight from Singapore. We have our layover in Narita, Tokyo and then POE at LAX. From LAX to PHX, it's an hour's flight, so it isn't that bad. The worst leg is always from Tokyo (or maybe even Seoul) to the US because it takes up at least 10 hours of sitting in the plane. Singapore to Narita takes about 6 hours, and you're still 'fresh' so it can feel comfortable. I threw up on the flight once from LAX to Tokyo two hours before descending, and it felt terrible being stuck in a window seat! So total time in the air is about 16-18 hours. 20 hours plus if you count getting to the airport, waiting around, and travelling again once you're past passport control. I had a really bad experience in ATL once, because I had forgotten to print out my return itinerary- the officer wouldn't let me off unless I showed it to him somehow, and so I wrote down my email address and password for him to access it. Actually before that episode, the CPB lady at passport control couldn't believe that I was in college and able to spend my holidays in the US so that's why she sent me over. I've resorted to profiling officers now, before joining the queue, wherever possible!

I've never been to Chicago, though I'd like to visit! I met two of our neighbours (a couple with a gorgeous golden retriever!) last evening, because my husband is collecting signatures to stop a large retail company from building a warehouse-sized store behind us. I'm glad to know more people around where we are. Do you live in the suburbs in Dublin as well?

Wow, that is a long journey!! I don't think I could do it!! I'm not a fan of airports, all the waiting around and no fresh air. IF (lol) and WHEN i get approved and go for my POE, i'm nervous I'll do something wrong or forget something. We sent our I-130 monday the 11th and it just got delievered yesterday.

I hope your husband gets all the signatures he needs, why would anyone want a project like that going on right near their house. It's wrong.

Yes, I live in the suburbs in Dublin too. I don't think I'd like living in the city.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I have a double-barrelled last name comprised of the last names of Mr Maven No.1 and Mr Maven No. 2. I rather like it, even if I'm not married to either of them any longer. If I ever marry again (heaven forbid) I am not changing it again.

[Rose13 30]

I have an ethnic last name which I wanted to keep so I just added my hubby's last name.

[Protocol417 161]

This is my second marriage. In my first, I took my maiden name as a 2nd middle name, and my (now ex-)husband's last name as my last name as well. I ended up regretting it. It seems silly, but I think it had to do with my family being so small and his so large that I felt I was being "absorbed" into his family and losing connection with my past.

When I divorced, I went back to my maiden name, and I'm keeping it.

I have teased my fiance on numerous occasions that he should take my last name. It is English, after all

[NikLR 13,232]

I was happy to take my husband's last name. It flowed well with my names and I'm not particularly fond of my father. In fact I didn't use my actual last name from age 10-17 when I had to in high school for graduation, lol. I used it until marriage tho... 10 years I was with my ex and never would have taken his last name because it didn't flow and I didn't' like the initials. And I had hope for my father still.

Edited November 24, 2013 by NLR

[dropsofvenus 0]

It's really interesting to see so many different kinds of reactions here. Got me thinking.

I filled out my 485/765/130/131 in my married name. And I haven't told my parents about that yet I am the only child and I'm pretty sure they'll be upset about it. But the thing is, my last name is extremely difficult for Americans to pronounce correctly, which frustrates me every time people address me by my last name. My husband is American citizen but he's born and raised in China till 14 years old. So he doesn't really care if I take his name or not, but personally I want to take his name. The reason might sound weird, but I am really happy and proud to be the wife of the man I love more than anything in the world, and I kind of want to use the last name to let the world know that I am taken by this guy

Edited November 24, 2013 by dropsofvenus