Very depressed, need someone to talk to...

[Husakovic 31]

I feel kind of uncomfortable starting this topic, I'm usually kind of shy, but I just need someone to talk to and I thought that fellow VJ members could maybe understand what I'm going through...My husband and I met three years ago, half of our relationship we spent together in Bosnia and the other half long distance via Skype while I was in the USA. In May I went back to Bosnia we got engaged, got married and lived together until October. Now I've been back in the States for a month and I just can't deal with the long distance marriage. I thought a long distance marriage would be easier to handle then a long distance relationship because a marriage is more serious then a relationship! But turns out it's actually harder I just feel weird about us suddenly being sepArated because of the Visa process. I feel like he has started a life of his own , we text a lot and spend every night on Skype for at least an hour(except when he has to work night shifts at the hospital) He has some mobile internet problems so I can't always reach him on the phone, and sometimes I just don't know where he is....which makes me feel very insecure and then I have fits of jealousy! Well today I really caused a jealous scene and thretened to divorce him...it was something I said out of anger...of course I don't want to divorce my husband I love him more then anything else in the world! But he got so upset, he said that he cant deal with my mood swings and jealousy anymore. He says he's hurt that after everything we've been through I still don't trust him...and he said he wants a divorce He says he loves me but can't take this anymore that the stress I put him through makes him sick. I know he loves me and I did admit I was wrong and promised to change and I suggested we try to get him a tourist visa so he can visit me a couple of months. It's just that this long distance marriage is driving me crazy! It hurts too much. I don't know how You all take it , it's so hard and painful! I think/ hope that my husband is just very angry and hurt right now and that he's not going to file for divorce...but I'm still scared to lose him...I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really willing to change I dont want to lose my husband over this he is my everything! How do I convince him to forgive me? How do I convince him that I am gonna change, I'm even ready to go talk to a Psychiatrist about my trust issues....I'm sorry for the long depressing post, I just don't know who else to talk to ...I don't know what I will do if I lose him...I hope some of you who are also going through long distance marriages will offer some kind of advice and underestanding. Any feedback would be much appreciated. I just feel so devasted right now.

[DvMan 49]

Insecurity and lack of trust is a relationship killer....You need to understand that. I have had to deal with just a little bit of it during the 6 months I have been married and apart from my wife, and I will tell you it is the biggest turnoff there is. I am sure he misses you just as much, but drama and imagining him doing things that he most likely is not will lead to very bad discord. Whenever there are accusations and arguments over nothing, it is very difficult to move past. It also is hard not to look at the other person the same after they lose their mind and accuse you of being dishonest and giving attention to other women. Unfortunately, being apart magnifies emotions. And most people never change. If they do, it takes a long time, years sometimes. It wont happen overnight. I'm not trying to make things worse, I am just letting you know a man's perspective.

[Husakovic 31]

DVMan thank you so much for reading my long post and replying, I understand what you are trying to explain to me. I know it takes a long time to change this behavior and yes the long distance marriage is making it much worse. But I am WILLING to change, I even texted him tonight saying that I will start counseling because I want to change and save my marriage. I love my husband and don't want to lose him. But right now he isn't even responding to my text messages, ok I know he is hurt and angry , but I dont know what to do right now...I just decided to keep texting him like I usually do like everything is all right because I believe he is not going to file for divorce over a stupid argument on Skype. But I'm still scared........ from a man's perspective how do you think I should handle this situation right now.....thanks for your advice

[spookyturtle 9,466]

I'm not trying to be harsh here, but I'm not going to sugar coat it. If you have only been apart for a month and seriously talking about divorce after an argument on Skype, your marriage/relationship has serious problems. IMO, you're both being childish. Him not answering your texts is a good example. And jealousy has destroyed countless relationships.

[TBoneTX 46,075]

I agree with Spooky's evaluation.

If you're serious about saving this marriage, one of you has to beat it to the other's country, at top speed, as the highest priority, and spend face-time together.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Yeah this VJ is not for the faint of earth.

One of yah alls needs to plan an immediate trip to rendezvous.

[christeen 966]

Heres my 2 cents... Ok.. First off... DON'T OVERWHELM him... The more you keep constantly texting and harping on what happend the more you will freak him out... Guys need time to process things, they don't dwell on the little details and get over things quickly without having to talk everything to death... Think about the guys after a fight then the head nod and unspoken "we good now" nod and then they are fine... Don't grovel and do t expect an apology and leave the vs settle for a bit...

Now while you give him a little space to breathe, you need to take a look at yourself and what the true issue is... Is it trust or control? This is an important thing to realize. Sometimes people mistake thinking that they don't trust a person when it is actually a feeling of not being in control of a situation? You mention that when you can't call and don't know where he is at every given moment that you start to worry. Confronting the root of a problem is the most effective way to overcome. Distance and not being familiar with his life far away is an unknown factor that sometimes we as women feel we need to control... We can't be in control of everything... That is his world so let him live in it as he needs to.

Now regarding long distance marriages and relationships... There is a natural fear and loneliness and missing people and also not being in control of what is happening and being vulnerable... These are natural fears. My husband and I had a long distance marriage for 7 years and he still travels all the time...many times on the ships we cannot talke for days at a time... But we make it just fine. I like to think of it as each of us having unique experiences that we share with each other. Never did I have any doubts about his fidelity or what he was doing, but nor did I ever feel left out since we make a point to share through little texts, pictures and on the phone and Skype what is going on... You just have to make it work.

Insecurity has been the demise of many a relationship so you have to trust that he loves you and that you are strong as a team regardless of where you physically are... And once you live in the same place, if you don't deal with the root cause, even when you are reunited, the jealous and controlling fears will not stop... If he takes too ling to come home from work, not answer the phone right away etc... It will drive you crazy... But don't push him away by clinging too much... You need to find and enjoy the moments you share together but give each other the space to be Individuals or you will put a divide that will not be able to be overcome. I wish you the best and just trust in your love and in your heart and get out of your head for a bit and let things be...

It is not easy but takes a lot of communication, trust in your partners ability to manage themselves and acceptance that we are not in control of every moment... This is the foundation of trust and understanding that is so necessary in a healthy long distance relationship... I wish you all the best...

[Husakovic 31]

Christeen, thank you so very much for your reply . You had a long distance marriage for seven years and made it work...wow! Now i feel like a fool! Yeah, I thought about my trust issues and control issues, I've asked myself how come my husband isn't as jealous and suspicious of me as I am of him(plus I am 14 years younger and he still trust me) I've realised that what you've written about me panicking when I dont know where he is for a couple of hours , I mean I got MAJOR panic attacks and even start crying. I just have this horrible fear of being hurt....I know this all sounds ridicilous, but it is just the way I feel. Funny thing is we were just fine during the long distance relationship, but being married and living toghether for a few months and now being back to THIS SKYPE ####### while MARRIED just makes me feel ridicilous. I have decided to make an appointment with a shrink because I definetlly have accepted the fact that I do need help. I will do anything to save my marriage.

Spooky and all the rest of you that have replied, thank you so much for your time, I agree with Spooky saying that we are being childish. Now about your advice that one of us needs to visit the other ASAP, yeah I 've thought about that too, I was thinking about trying to get a tourist visa for him(having his cousin in NJ apply) I'm scared if he mentions me(his wife) they wont grant him the visa....

Anyway, me and my husband have been through a lot in the past three years and have proven our love to each other in huge and crazy ways. I know he loves me to death. It is not unusual for us to threathen each other with a breakup/divorce but it's only BS we say at the "heat of the moment"...but this was the first time he said that he def. decided he wants a divorce....those words really hurt me.

Now update since last night: Sent him a few more texts, last night when he got up to go to work (5:30) his time I sent him a "good morning " text and he responded with "morning" . I could also see that he had read all my other texts. Do you think him keeping the "whats up" (text message ap) turned on reading my texts and responding today morning might be a good sign?

[spookyturtle 9,466]

One thing you should think about before trying the tourist visa route. Fraud. You are married, if they find out it may cause more problems down the line. And it doesn't matter if he mentions it or not. If you have already filed for the CR-1, he is in the system.

[Rebecca616 38]

Has he ever done anything to make you think that he is not to be trusted? If the answer is yes, then some additional thinking might need to be done. You do seem to be putting this all on yourself so I would say that whenever you have spare time, go find something to do outside of your house/apartment. Even if its just to take a walk, visit some friends, catch a movie, anything to keep your mind from constantly wondering what he's doing. Then when you do speak with him, you can tell him all about what you did and how nice it'll be to look forward to doing those things with him. Patience is a very hard thing to swallow sometimes and he most likely knows there's nothing he can do and now feels like he's not being trusted in the relationship and that's gotta suck. I understand people say things out of anger and don't mean them but think about what you're about to say and if its not going to help the situation, then it probably doesn't need to be said and a lot of hurt feelings can be spared. You are his wife, and that does mean something, he didn't just marry anybody. Remember back to those moments when you had first been together and nothing in the world was going to come between you (especially a Skype call). That's most likely what he thinks about when he isn't able to talk to you or see you ( or I would atleast hope so). Back off just a bit and don't throw around the divorce word like its everyday talk. Cherish your time together even if they are apart, it'll get better.

[sara..... 371]

The vj is not for the faint of heart.....if you love him you have to trust him just as he trust you......this journey is very long emotions run high even if there is not a trust issue to deal with.....make frequent trips to see him is the best advise i can give you....dont waist your energy imagining things that have not happened your going to need that energy to get thru all the hoops of this journey....you have to focus on your goal .......immigration and give loads of emotional support to each other.....there will be times he is tired of it and times you feel frustrated because your case is not moving fast enough

good luck to you and may you be blessed with a swift problem free journey

sara

[poolbruce 22]

I have been married sense June 3 to a Filipino. Fortunately my wife is strong and wants to be by my side. It is hard for long distance relationships, especially going through the USCIS process. But we are married and believe in each other. The USCIS is a poor organization who is prioritizing marriage couples. I am even thinking of moving to there to her country. So, my country(USA) will pay me to live some where else. What a joke. It will be so sad to live there and my country will get no benefits ....hehehe

[Husakovic 31]

Thank You guys for responding, you really are wonderful!

Well the only thing he ever did did caused me to distrust him is lying about the date of his final divorce(from his first marriage) . When we met he claimed that the divorce was already finalized and as we are going to city hall( back in Bosnia) I find out that the divorce was finalized 10 months after we were already together and engaged ! That made me flip out and go crazy we had a huge fight. He said that he had filed for the divorce two weeks after they split up but the procedure took really long because she didnt show up for the first two court dates just to spite him( she knew he was engaged to me) . He said the night he met me he really liked me and was to scared to tell me that the divorce is legally final yet, later on he thought about telling me the truth but he was too scared of losing me, he begged for my forgiveness and I forgave him. Other then that he never gave me a reason to doubt him. He never goes out without me , unless he wants to get some coffee with his friends during the day. Evenings are and always were reserved for me only. I guess the biggest reason I'm scared that he's going to hurt me is because he cheated on his ex wife, he talked to me openly about it. His first marriage was a huge mess she slept around he slept around...he swears that he would never do this to me because im the only woman "he ever truly loved" and he has found everything in me....I hate to admit , but when it comes to our relationship/marriage he never gave me one single reason to distrust him. He even took me to all his business trips, Imade him! He was the only one there with a girlfriend/spouse! hahahha . While we were dating he didn't let me be friends with my exboyfriend, whom I had a friendship with even after we broke up, and sometimes I would hang out with my ex (NOTHING HAPPENED I SWEAR!) behind his back...it's the biggest mistake I ever did. My husband had a really hard time getting over that, forgiving me, but eventually he did and lately he has been full of trust towards me...he never checks on me, he lets me do whatever I want...except hang out with other guys obviously. I really feel embarrassed by treating him this way he has been really good to me. I'm definetelly going to start therapy. "If you love him you have to trust him like he trust you" the best marriage advice i ever got...thank you...

Tonight when he came home for work he just texted me "I'm tired I couldn't sleep all night, I'm going to shower and go straight to bed" ....

I see his wifi is on so he IS home...ups there I go again...God I just hope I dont lose him, I don't know what I would do without him...

thank you guys for your support, you're helping a lot!

[TBoneTX 46,075]

You'd better make all of the above clear to him, in no uncertain terms. Things should improve after that.

[Husakovic 31]

thank you guys....we have made up...