The emotional effects of long-distance relationships and the visa process

[Protocol417 161]

I've been on this website for a bit at this point, and I don't know if it's just because people are trying to stay positive or what it is, but while I've seen people discuss everything from politics to how lucky everyone with such-and-such processing center is to how little certain people do research and numerous other oddities of conversation, I have yet to see anyone post anything about how their "visa journey" has affected them emotionally or even, as does apparently happen, medically.

I was reading a forum post earlier that was about how the NBC is processing I-130 applications extremely slowly right now. At one point, someone said to me (paraphrasing) "You just can't explain what the cr1 process is like to a k1 person". I wanted to take a crack at it, to see if there really is that much difference between two groups of people in long-term long-distance relationships, but I deleted most of it because it was ridiculously off-topic (and a bit too emo as well, I guess ).

Here is the part I removed:

If I had to venture a guess, I would say it involves countless lonely nights, frustration and disbelief over just why and how you could possibly still be apart, feeling like that day will never come, that this whole red-tape-strewn process is just your life now, that you're being put through some kind of cruel test, or that you've been abandoned, simultaneously feeling that it's been a lifetime while also being amazed at how quickly time used to pass compared to now, until the passage of time holds almost no meaning, and how much slower it inexplicably gets the closer you are to the finish line (which is crushing because every cell in you hoped and prayed it would be the opposite), worrying constantly if you're strong enough to make it, or if you'll be the same person when you're there, feeling so much older than when you started, facing family and friends who are sympathetic but quickly change the subject (or even worse, the countless times you've been asked "so when on earth is _____ going to be here?"), dealing with stress, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, personality changes, moments where you break down because you glimpse something that brings back a memory, moments you break down for no reason at all, that pang you get when you see other couples, feeling absolutely incomplete, like there's a chunk of you missing and you're basically just going through the motions until you get it back. Knowing in your head that some day it will be over, but in your heart it feels like it won't. And then the fear... probably different for each person, maybe fear that the relationship will crumble under the strain, or that when that day comes it won't be as good as you'd hope, or that it will fail.

Or the absolute worst: Knowing your SO must be feeling all this too, and you can't do anything about it. You can't hold them until they feel better, or grab their shoulders until they feel strong, or take them out to get their mind off things. You know you're supposed to, that's your job, but all you can do is talk, and feel helpless.

So, as a K-1 person, how did I do? Did I get close?

********

So I thought I would bring it here, a place that is perhaps a little more... erm, appropriate, I guess?... and see what your thoughts are... if you agree with it, if it matches how you feel, if you've experienced any of the things I describe here, and how your own experience with this maddening thing has been. I hope that no one has every experienced ALL of these things (wow, that would suck) but I would find it hard to believe that anyone here has gone through none of them.

[TBoneTX 45,659]

*** Thread moved from Off Topic to General Immigration Discussion because of the pertinence of the subject matter. ***

[NickD 203]

From the day I asked my wife to marry me, darn near a year went by before we could finally be together. Would think the USCIS would be less critical on fraud since we did stick it out for that year. Many will go different ways. Since I had a US passport, and she a tourist visa, we would only let three months go by without seeing each other. But were practically being together daily either by the interent or the telephone.

There were many days we couldn't communicate at all due to the poor infrastructure of Venezuela. Those were very bad days. Also took on extra jobs, it cost a lot of money with USCIS fees and permission to bring her daughter her. Was also redecorating my home to her liking. Lots of photos.

We did have a couple of good years together until her conditional green card expired, Talk about long delays in the I-751 processing, but at least we were together making that long trip to get that I-551 in her foreign passport. And most everyday was gathering evidence so we could stay together. Our life was based around the USCIS for 4 1/2 years. Then we were finally free of them.

[Hollyday 122]

i think it really depends on the personality. I've read what you were describing and happy to say i've not experienced 99% of this. I think mainly it's because 1. my SO is really supportive and i feel totally sure that this process cannot do anything to our relationship and 2. my work keeps me really busy (and so does his). There are ways to stay emotionally close even if you're not physically close anyway.

I've seen VJ members though who i think can relate to your description to a greater extent. I don't think it's such a big difference for CR-1/IR-1 and K-1 in this area. Although i think fiances can be a little more concerned if their relationship will be up to this test (though at this time they're not exposed to such waiting times).

Why are you interested in this subject anyway?

Signed: early March filer.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

i think it really depends on the personality. I've read what you were describing and happy to say i've not experienced 99% of this. I think mainly it's because 1. my SO is really supportive and i feel totally sure that this process cannot do anything to our relationship and 2. my work keeps me really busy (and so does his). There are ways to stay emotionally close even if you're not physically close anyway.

I've seen VJ members though who i think can relate to your description to a greater extent. I don't think it's such a big difference for CR-1/IR-1 and K-1 in this area. Although i think fiances can be a little more concerned if their relationship will be up to this test (though at this time they're not exposed to such waiting times).

Why are you interested in this subject anyway?

Signed: early March filer.

Hollyday, you need an approval right now! I will do an approval dance for you. Good luck and much respect for taking it in stride.

[Hollyday 122]

Hollyday, you need an approval right now! I will do an approval dance for you. Good luck and much respect for taking it in stride.

Hahaha, thanks! I'm looking forward to finally having it.

[sara..... 371]

many of you older vj members remember my drama of the k-1 visa waiting two years for a simple noa2 and in the end having it sent back from the embassy as expired petition.......during those two years my heart condition went down hill was touch and go for open heart surgery to close a leak that had worsened ..... it was stress that raised my bp up so high ........immigration is not always so stressful but those of us that were hit by long wait times with out knowing why it was happening suffered physically and psychologically......i think if those in power were a bit more forth coming about what was going on with our cases and why the stress would be less and not effect us so much.....if they would have just said hey sara we think your fiance has been playing you for five years and here is why it would have made it easier knowing what was going on instead of the endless dead ends and guessing.

my health didnt allow me the ability to fly to india .....it counted against us in the end

just my opinion

sara

[Rose13 30]

I lived about an hour away from my husband and it was still hard. We waited for about 8 months and even visitng three times a week was not enough. I've often wondered if seeing him less often would have better.

[NickD 203]

In finding that very special person can have positive health affects, gives one reason to want to be with that person and the will to live. In my profession as an electronic engineer and the way the economy has turned, a huge part of my responsibility was to search for components world wide. So for even a more important reason, finding that special purpose, occurred to me, why just limit that search to a local area. If I did that in my field, would have gone broke a long time ago.

But as fate works, she found me, LOL. Was a very strange relationship, being very attracted to each other, but not even meeting in person. Over a nine month period, developed a very strong platonic relationship and finally said one day, don't you think its time we meet? She was hesitant at first, what happens if we don't care about each other? Just said, we would always be friends. But didn't work out that way, that first kiss was pure magic.

Does get a bit more complicated when both of you have kids and family to deal with. We got through that okay, my kids and family loved her and her family loved me. Stepdaughter was awkward at first, that took more time, in a strange country, all new people, not speaking the language. But we got through all that. Spent hours with her teaching the language, with homework, and made sure she was on the top honor role/ Future mother-in-law even offered to sell her apartment to give us extra money. But that wasn't necessary.

Immigration was totally new to me, after reading the forms and being very familiar with attorneys, found the top US attorney to guide us through the process. We had a flat charge agreement where we would do all the ground work. That was one bill I was very happy to pay.

But then the USCIS! In our journey, didn't misplace our applications once, but three times. Attorney advised me to becomes friend with my senator, that was very good advice. We still had to spend a year apart.

If you can get through this, kind of tells you, you are with the correct person.