MY HUSBAND CHEATED BUT I'M THE ONE SEEN AS A JEALOUS AND NOSY WIFE!!!

[QueenE 174]

I meant for you to speak to an elder in his family, not yours. Things are not going to change when you get here and you have to be prepared for that. If he is the only person you have hear prepare to face loneliness on top of everything else he is doing now. Like you said a man does not go and get his whole family involved in every little issue you two have. What type of respect is he building for his wife when all he does is bad mouth her? Of course his people will only see in you a negative light. So next time as him what he is trying to accomplish when he goes and makes such reports about you. If he doesn't like you, and insists on crying to his mom and sisters ( which is the worst I can just imagine!!) every time he isn't happy with you then he isn't ready to be married. How is he ever going to change it where his family will respect you if he is destroying your imagine! There is this man that I know that kept doing the same thing to his wife. Everyone knew every little thing about their marriage from their sex life to her menstrual cycle! He was constantly bad mouthing his wife ( although he was always cheating on her). They finally separated and she seems to be happy. People of course tried to blame her for the separation because he had done such a good job campaigning against her their entire marriage. I mean its understandable you vent here and there to people that are close to you.

I know some people think coming to America is worth suffering this type of misery and disrespect but I would really think everything through before you leave everything behind to come and face this type of life. If he isn't willing to make changes now to make you happy, I don't see how living together will improve things.

[Darnell 8,479]

lorlahdey - i think you should shut down, not speak to this man again, never have sex with him.

he has broken his vows and is not worthy of you.

who cares about visa or immigration? It's your heart that matters, not any usa visa or green card.

[lorlahdey 1]

Virtually everyone in his family knows what's going on. Except for my own side of every story he tells them, becos anytime he reports me,they just act like they are advising me in a scolding manner like I am some child. No one cares abt my side of the story. I'm younger and the wife,so I should understand that there is no man who doesn't av an affair. That's what I hear,and I shouldn't act nosy or jealous so I wouldn't be sent to an early grave. Wish I can give them all a piece of my mind,but as usual,u can't look ur in-laws' in the face to express urself.

[Darnell 8,479]

you should focus on getting enough money together for an air ticket back to your country.

don't talk to that man again. IMO.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Your prospects for freedom are actually better in the US. It would be best if you have family or villagemates here other than his family. Here in a divorce you will at least have claim to marital assets and men that fail to control their maleness like an adult are not looked on as being ok or behaving " like men do " In Nigeria you will be divorced which is this side of being a leaper and reflecting badly on your family/sisters ( look how they brought her up ) Many Nigerian men try to keep their wives from learning too much of their rights in America because a women here is more empowered. If your coming from a family as old fashioned as I suspect your best solution may be in the US. ( but not necessarily with your current spouse long term )

[Rebecca616 38]

this is one thing ill never in my life understand....why any able bodied self sufficient woman would put up with that kind of garbage. We have it hard enough sometimes but when we choose to let someone in our life who doesn't respect us and goes crying off to their mama, what kind of man is that? its NOT! Love isn't a 1 way street, it must to be from both sides. You're a smart lady obviously because you see whats happening and aren't in denial about it, its just the choice you have to make now is if he is worth the pain he may or may not cause you.....ask yourself this, do you think he'd cheat on you again? do you know that he isn't now? its hard to maintain a long distance relationship without the BS of whether or not your love is with another. I hope you choose your own happiness over anything else. Bless you.

[Cathi 5,799]

A cheater, especially one that is not repentive, is no husband material.

If I were you, I would tolerate his behavior until I got my ducks in a row: green card, a good job, maybe education, then kick his #### to the curb. Be careful, don't have any children with him.

What you are suggesting is fraud

[Cathi 5,799]

Find some self respect and dump him. Why would you want a man who has no problem screwing some skank? You are going to catch who knows what. Seriously stay home and find a man who deserves you. Why on earth do women even consider staying with men like this? He is a pig

[Peter_Pan 661]

Cheating on your spouse is fraud too.

What I suggest is that she starts putting herself first, and her marriage second, if that.

A marriage with a cheater, especially one that does not understand the severity of his actions and their consequences, is doomed from the beginning. At this moment, all she can do is take care of herself and make sure she emerges from their separation ok.

EDIT: Just noticed that she isnt in the US yet. In that case, she also has the option of divorcing and remaining home. But if she does come, she should watch her back, I dont believe for one second that he is going to become faithful once she is here.

[Cathi 5,799]

Cheating on your spouse is fraud too.

What I suggest is that she starts putting herself first, and her marriage second, if that.

A marriage with a cheater, especially one that does not understand the severity of his actions and their consequences, is doomed from the beginning. At this moment, all she can do is take care of herself and make sure she emerges from their separation ok.

EDIT: Just noticed that she isnt in the US yet. In that case, she also has the option of divorcing and remaining home. But if she does come, she should watch her back, I dont believe for one second that he is going to become faithful once she is here.

That is why I said it would be fraud , she isn't in the US yet

you should focus on getting enough money together for an air ticket back to your country.

don't talk to that man again. IMO.

She is still in her country Darnell. Read her original post, she hasn't traveled here yet

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Cheating on your spouse is fraud too.

What I suggest is that she starts putting herself first, and her marriage second, if that.

A marriage with a cheater, especially one that does not understand the severity of his actions and their consequences, is doomed from the beginning. At this moment, all she can do is take care of herself and make sure she emerges from their separation ok.

EDIT: Just noticed that she isnt in the US yet. In that case, she also has the option of divorcing and remaining home. But if she does come, she should watch her back, I dont believe for one second that he is going to become faithful once she is here.

Extramarital affairs, while perhaps immoral in a traditional marriage, is not fraud.

What you initially suggested was fraud.

[lorlahdey 1]

Thanks y'all. For anyone,nothing is worse than a cheating spouse who tarnishes your image in other to protect his or hers. I av gained a whole lot from all your responses. Immigration fraud is never an option and will never be. I wouldn't want to jeopardize the future of those related to me in anyway whatsoever. Whatever the decision is going to be,it will be taken right here.

Edited October 22, 2013 by lorlahdey

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Hello every1. Thank God for this website,it really helped me. I'm meant to be traveling in two weeks but I'm so nervous and developing cold feet already. My husband is 13yrs older than me,making all his siblings older than me. But whenever my husband and I av any issues,he calls his mum and sisters to report me. Nigeria is a country where u av to respect ur inlaws and almost worship them. They all av the impression that I'm a jealous wife. My husband cheated on me abt a year ago cos he was cohabitating with a black American woman. It all got messy for him when I found out and called the woman to inform her that he's married. Now he feels like I'm accusing him of infedelity always,whenever I say one thing or the other innocently. Then he calls his family to report me. Same thing happened last week,just few days to join him there. I hate it that my in-laws av a bad impression,and I'm so angry @ my husband. He's the infidel,I'm the one suffering it emotionally and morally. I don't know if going to join him is the best thing cos I don't know what will happpen when we start living 2geda. I never report him to anyone cos I feel that will not protect his honor but he never does the same. It's not my faulty his conscience still pricks him for what he did. Please I need candid advice every1,God bless. Sorry I avnt updated my timeline yet,that's because I don't av correct dates on some stages so I'm working on it.

I'm on a phone so can't really research but did you have a lengthy and difficult immigration process?

The ultimate decision maker is you.

I think you should stay back in Nigeria. Not because I think he's a jerk, an unrepeatable cheater, etc but because I can sense the hurt that you have in your writings and coupled with the fact that you had family drama. You and him can weather the storm, many coupled have weathered more hardship, but the family involvement concerns me.

Thanks y'all. For a anyone,nothing is worse than a cheating spouse who tarnishes your image in other to protect his or hers. I av gained a whole lot from all your responses.

Lolade, bawo lose mo pe oun lo so oro fun family e?

Thought this was in subsaharan.

How sure are you that he's the one that's talking to your family?

Edited October 22, 2013 by Gowon

[Redflame2012 32]

No one can tell you what to do with your life. You know this. However can you trust this man with the rest of your life and that of any children you may have? When you are alone in a foriegn land, and struggling to adjust, will he be your rock? Don't leave your native home for foriegn shores for someone who is not worthy of your love and trust. But, like I said, it is your choice. Choose wisely. A lifetime is a longtime to be unhappy and trapped in a marriage with children.

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

Hello every1. Thank God for this website,it really helped me. I'm meant to be traveling in two weeks but I'm so nervous and developing cold feet already. My husband is 13yrs older than me,making all his siblings older than me. But whenever my husband and I av any issues,he calls his mum and sisters to report me. Nigeria is a country where u av to respect ur inlaws and almost worship them. They all av the impression that I'm a jealous wife. My husband cheated on me about a year ago cos he was cohabiting with a black American woman. It all got messy for him when I found out and called the woman to inform her that he's married. Now he feels like I'm accusing him of infidelity always,whenever I say one thing or the other innocently. Then he calls his family to report me. Same thing happened last week,just few days to join him there. I hate it that my in-laws av a bad impression,and I'm so angry @ my husband. He's the infidel,I'm the one suffering it emotionally and morally. I don't know if going to join him is the best thing cos I don't know what will happen when we start living 2geda. I never report him to anyone cos I feel that will not protect his honor but he never does the same. It's not my faulty his conscience still pricks him for what he did. Please I need candid advice every1,God bless. Sorry I haven't updated my timeline yet,that's because I don't av correct dates on some stages so I'm working on it.

Nerts! You need to have a line of what you are wiling to tolerate... One of them is running to the family. The rule should be pretty simple: Feel free to talk disparagingly about me to your family anytime you want, but realize that when you do it is over with no possibility of fixing. The reverse is also true..

Do what you are going to do immigration wise but if your plans are to stay with this person long term you are in for an unhappy life.