How have your family and friends reacted to your plans ?

[jola83 19]

My experience is slightly different to many I suspect. I've known my partner for 30 years. We had a relationship at college and all my close friends are actually from that time and have continued to see me and my partner over that entire period so she is not some unknown to them. Makes the wedding guest list a lot easier !

With the exception of the reaction I mentioned in the original post - everyone has been very pleased for us (and for those people they were still pleased for us but took some time to get used to it). I have genuinely not had a negative comment. The most regret I have is leaving my elderly and infirm mother. She has always wanted me to marry my partner (even when she was still married!) and was and remains pleased for us both. Sadly in a way I suspect her deteriorating condition will take her mind of my absence. I could not have made this move if it wasn't for the fact that my sister who lives close to her manages her care and looks after her. One thing I will owe to my sister at some point in the future is an all-in holiday in California.

I have to say friends who express jealousy and make negative comments are either not handling it themselves well or are not really the friends we thought they were. I would say though that while we are swept up in the excitement of the move we would do well to recognise what this can mean for family and friends. As we adjust to the the new norm so will they.

How nice for your mum to get what she wanted in you marrying the person she always wanted you to,so of course you are going to feel guilty at least you can also find some comfort in her being happy for you

I go through awful stages of guilt leaving my family .I spend every lunch break at my nans house and I know if breaks the day up for her so I know she is going to be feeling abit lost once I go

But I also look at how excited she is to be going on this American adventure and comming over for the wedding.I'm just grateful she is still in good health to do so.she may as well.put a double page spread in our local newspaper to inform everyone she is going to America for my wedding as she will already tell anyone who is willing to listen haha .and my mum is just happy I've found someone good who will take care of me .of course she will miss me but she knows this is what I want .

[emyardy 11]

I do not think there are MORE opportunities in the US. I think the countries are too economically equal for there to be some unilateral comparison.

I think Owen's post (above mine here) best describes what I think.

I know that everyone in my husband's circle (at the time he moved to the US) felt he would be better off in the US. Many people from other countries still believe our streets are paved with gold.

I understand that people may not feel there are more opportunities in America, but like I said, we are all at different points in our lives. Something I may see as an opportunity may be something you might never consider. But, for two people in their early twenties, when we consider the things that are important to us, such as starting our lives, beginning careers, and buying a home, America wins out. Especially because we will be living in the midwest, financially we could not say no. The cost of living in England is twice as much as it is here.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I understand that people may not feel there are more opportunities in America, but like I said, we are all at different points in our lives. Something I may see as an opportunity may be something you might never consider. But, for two people in their early twenties, when we consider the things that are important to us, such as starting our lives, beginning careers, and buying a home, America wins out. Especially because we will be living in the midwest, financially we could not say no. The cost of living in England is twice as much as it is here.

Oh, I understand. I do. Also understand though, it's my standard question to anyone moving (in either direction) if they have made a list. I have life reasons and experiences that cause me to ask the question.

As to what you wrote - for people like us, in our fifties, the big house, the big career, etc - we see that differently than someone younger. We are also a little less "impressed" (if you will) by "opportunity". A wise man makes more opportunities than he finds.

I remember reading a thread on another forum once where the topic was "standard of living" versus "quality of life" - what those terms mean, literally.

In my opinion, American usually offers a better standard of living. In my opinion, it does not offer the best quality of life. But that's my opinion. I imagine anyone trying to work this out for themselves will be influenced by their current stage in life.

Edited October 8, 2013 by Rebecca Jo

[Avery Cates 1,141]

My family gave us the money for the apartment deposit and gave us furniture plus whatever else we'll need.

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

The first time the conversation came up with my friends one of them said "Well if anyone was going to f*** off out of the UK it would be you!" So knowing that I was dating an American there wasn't really any surprise. Most of my friends have been very interested in the process and in what it will be like over there. A few are envious and a couple of my female friends think it's a really romantic thing to do but nobody has really said "what the hell are you doing"?!. Yet.

My family have been pretty supportive too, but my mum gets emotional when thinking about it and that makes me a little sad. I know they are going to miss me but they understand the decision which makes it a lot better.

Did anyone get fed up with constantly explaining that the process takes a while and has no fixed timeline? Every time I see a friend/ family member I get asked "how's the visa going?" or "when do you leave" or some indistinguishable variant. Believe me when I finally get approved they will probably hear the screams for joy across the whole city!

[rjm_cmyk 75]

Did anyone get fed up with constantly explaining that the process takes a while and has no fixed timeline? Every time I see a friend/ family member I get asked "how's the visa going?" or "when do you leave" or some indistinguishable variant.

We've been asked that a lot more by US friends who seem to believe getting a US visa is either not required by EU citizens or easy to get...

[Avery Cates 1,141]

Did anyone get fed up with constantly explaining that the process takes a while and has no fixed timeline?

All the damn time. Just... all the damn time.

I don't even tell people she's from England any more if it's someone that doesn't already know. They inevitably ask the same questions the other 300 people before them have and I'm sick of going over it all.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

We've been asked that a lot more by US friends who seem to believe getting a US visa is either not required by EU citizens or easy to get...

It's a common misconception - both sides of the pond. But - immigration doesn't directly effect most people so they just really have no practical reason to know the rules.

It's a big part of the reason people make so many false assumptions about immigration and immigrants overall. Presumptions/assumptions vs. fact/knowledge.

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

No reaction or comments from husband's family really. The recurring question that popped up from friends/co-workers was "Are you going to get a gun"? That seemed odd to me.

[Justine+David 218]

My family was a little weirded out, but more by the fact that we met at a Harry Potter conference Oh and my Dad had to report him because he was military and now his daughter was married to a foreign national Of course, his sister marrying a nuclear physicist from Switzerland (true story! they met in Japan) caused more security issues, I'm pretty sure, lol.

His family was happy for him because they saw how happy he was when I came to visit (he lived at home before he moved over to the US).

We work harder over here than we would in the UK and we both know that that kind of working lifestyle is not going to be the kind we want forever. But it's just so hard to think about taking a 50% pay cut in the UK (I'm a nurse right now)...I'm hoping to start doing some locum tenens jobs once I have a few years experience as a nurse practitioner so that I'll make the same amount of money but then will be able to set my vacations to whatever we'd like.

We are definitely taking to heart the crazy self-sponsorship monies needed for the UK and once we pay off our student loan debt, will want to start saving most of the money.

Edited October 10, 2013 by Justine+David

[Anna Grant 169]

Most friends and colleagues were happy for me. They also didn't understand why the whole process took so long.

However, it does appear that I have lost my best friend. She is only 9 months older than me (I'm 50) and has settled for her single life with 2 cats. When she saw what was happening to my life, I think she became quite jealous of it. That I could meet someone at my time of life that I was willing to relocate 4000 miles to be with. I have tried to keep up the communication. I've talked to her about Skyping but she says she can't remember what she did with her webcam. I've sent her long e-mails and she responds with two lines on her iPhone. I've ended up coming to conclusion that we were friends only because we lived two floors apart - I was on the 1st floor and her on the 3rd floor. When I had to life in temporary accommodation when I sold my flat and it was an hour bus ride, I always went to visit her and she wouldn't even meet me half way.

It's a shame because we have known each other for over 20 years.

[Lou Lou 1]

Anna, she could be missing you and not know how to express it. Sure, there is envy mixed in with her feelings. If you want to keep in touch with her, don't give up.

[rjm_cmyk 75]

However, it does appear that I have lost my best friend. She is only 9 months older than me (I'm 50) and has settled for her single life with 2 cats. When she saw what was happening to my life, I think she became quite jealous of it. That I could meet someone at my time of life that I was willing to relocate 4000 miles to be with. I have tried to keep up the communication. I've talked to her about Skyping but she says she can't remember what she did with her webcam.

I have been fortunate that none of my friends have reacted in this way. One friend took a week or so to get used to it and for the first few days was really upset by it. Not because he was unhappy for me - he has known me and my partner for nearly 30 years but because it threw a spotlight on dissatisfaction with aspects of his own life. We actually spent some time talking these through and he has a new "life plan" which is actually a really positive outcome. Looking back I really dropped it on him (and other friends) and with the benefit of 20/20 I would have handled it differently.

Some people may well react with jealousy and I do think a chunk of it has to do with their view on their own life and where it's going. Real friends will be put "out of sorts" by a close friend emigrating but over time will get used to it . They wouldn't be your friends if they didn't.

Underneath it all I as the departee am also going to miss them. I'm going to miss the regular get togethers. watching their kids grow up , the trips to France we did every half term, the pre-Christmas get together.

[Anna Grant 169]

Anna, she could be missing you and not know how to express it. Sure, there is envy mixed in with her feelings. If you want to keep in touch with her, don't give up.

Before I left, she told me how much she was going to miss me. I told her that I would miss her too. Obviously, as my best friend, she was the first person who knew about my soon to be fiance. She was happy initially but then started to say 'How much do you know about this man?' I was know she was anxious for me and wanted to protect me. I told her than the process takes some time anyway (in my case, 11 months from NOA1 until entering the US on the K1 visa). What also annoyed me at the time of telling her was I told her that she could not tell anyone about my plans. She told at least two other people. I also think what has happened to me is making her reflect on her own life. She has a record of dating users. The last one led her to have to get an IVA! So now she has no money and the bloke has scarpered.

I will keep trying. I ask her for her news in my emails to her as well as giving her my news but I get nothing back. But I will keep trying.

[Jo Amelia Finlay 20]

Great topic. I like reading about the other side of this process, rather than the forms, waiting times and interviews etc!

I have had an altogether very positive and excited response. I think it's fair to say I am the kind of person whose friends aren't too shocked when they make an announcement such as this? Bit of an "offbeat" family member and work colleague.

I will admit the questions are annoying, but as someone said, if people have no reason to know the process... they don't know it. Bob and I are both a little bored of trying to explain things to people, but equally I think it's sweet that folks care enough to keep asking!

The main 'thing' I have is self inflicted really: my guilt at leaving my mum. I lost my dad to cancer about 18 months ago and I think if he was still around I'd feel okay with emigrating and leaving my folks with one another. I have never been a homely daughter, despite being an only child. I'm terribly independent so leaving family doesn't generally present a problem with me, like it would others.
However now mum is on her own, it does make me feel very sad to think that I'm going to be so far away. I mean, perversely we'll probably talk more when I am in the US permanently (contact more in person and texting at the moment) and I must add that she has never been anything other than 100% supportive of my plans. She adores Bob. She says she actually feels more content when I am in the US because she hates London now (she lives in Kent, and I in South-East London) and knows I am happy, probably safer and looked after there, rather than essentially living alone in the capital here. She's been amazing and continues to be so, but still I feel so guilty sometimes that I am "abandoning" her. But then, I do have guilt issues. Like, identified in therapy guilt issues, sooo...

Aside from mum the other person it makes me want to cry when I think about leaving them, is my best friend. Because this emigration business is all feeling so real, now, we have been spending a lot of time together and telling one another we love her! She is so important to me and it's going to be very odd adjusting to Skype, whereas now we never ever talk on the phone! I'm sure in time we'll get used to it. She too is very very happy for me, though keeps teasing me about going and what in god's name will she do without me.

It's going to be interesting. We should keep this thread going, or create a spin-off one, to report back from time to time.