Should I marry him or go back home?

[sosad 4]

Thanks everybody for your replies and sharing your opinions and experiences. Pretty much everybody made a good point and you are helping me with the decision-making process. I wish I could respond to every single post individually.

I think if I knew for sure that he cheated physically, I probably would have left right away.

Knowing how he ticks though, there is a great possibility that he only used these contacts for kicks/ as virtual turn-ons, kind of like porn, but did not act it out.

Still, even if he didn´t sleep with anyone, what he did was a form of cheating and there is no excuse. I was lonely too, but I stayed faithful. All I could think of is being with him and starting our new life.

I do think though that there is a difference between fantasizing and acting upon those fantasies. I think if he really didn´t have sex with anyone, there is a chance that I could work things out with him if he sought professional help. But how will I ever know what he did or did not do?!

It´s been over a week since I found out and I am still here. I did not want to leave out of haste with a decision made out of anger and shock. I just cannot accept that we invested so much time and effort into this just to give up easily. I think I need a little more time to figure out whether I want to stay or leave.

One other member suggested that I could use the remaining time of my visa and stay here and observe. His first counseling session is this coming week. He gave me permission to look through his computer and phone at any time. I want to see what efforts he will make to keep me here and fix this.

If I find out anything else or I realize that it´s too painful for me and my mind goes crazy with suspicious thoughts, I will leave.

Thanks again, guys.

[Kajikit 65]

The big problem here is that things got a little tough for him and who did he turn to? Not you - he went to some random woman from the internet. Marriage is never smooth sailing... what's he going to do when he thinks things are 'getting tough' later on? If you got sick, one of you had employment difficulties, you had a regular old-fashioned fight, etc etc. Marriage is a serious commitment, and it doesn't seem like he's ready to make it, visa or no visa.

[xgrnberet1 19]

I said, what give you the right to control and make demand of him right of the bat, regardless of what he was doing while you were gone, u two at time have not, and I said "HAVE NOT" yet marry, he was honest and told you the truth ( he wasn't involve in any physical sex with any one, and he was lonely), so there, if i was him I said, it's a free world, go home anytime you like.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I also believe if the CO would have known about his play dates with other women online and offline the OP would have never received

the visa for which we all go through hell for to cross all t's and dot all i's.

What if it was the beneficiary seeking other men online in ads ?

Then everyone would have screamed scam.

But some comments are watered down because it's the USC acting selfish with his sex seeking ads.

It is not genuine love on his part and what is bona fide about his behavior ? Nothing.

What's done is done and only the OP can decide her future destiny.

The OP deserves better after leaving everything behind and giving up her life in her home country...... for what ?!

Put yourself in her shoes instead of trying to stand in his.

This should be the happiest time of her life not the nightmare that it is.
And no, Fafoo I don't know the guy but we all respond to what we read in the written post, including you.

What I read....sex ads on craigslist, online women etc. was enough for me to form my opinion, I don't have to know more.

[KinaNKev 5]

Follow your ❤️ no one can tell you what to do! Always know your consequences....good luck to u!

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I said, what give you the right to control and make demand of him right of the bat, regardless of what he was doing while you were gone, u two at time have not, and I said "HAVE NOT" yet marry, he was honest and told you the truth ( he wasn't involve in any physical sex with any one, and he was lonely), so there, if i was him I said, it's a free world, go home anytime you like.

The K1 visa is not a free for all players delight type of visa but as an engaged couple with intent to marry one expects

a certain degree of integrity from their petitioner. The mere fact that he proposed gives her the right. Period.

What are you talking about she is "making demands of him ? " So what if he was lonely ? He can't call her ? Give me a break !

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

So, we seem to have a double standard going here for USC petitioners and for beneficiaries.
It's just a lonely good old guy slipping when he is a USC seeking sex online but a scammer when it's the beneficiary !

All of a sudden it's ok to place ads seeking sex, taking women's emails out of loneliness just because your fiance is not yet here ?

Really ?

Nonsense.

In reference to xgrnberet1 comment and Gowon's like of the same. Try explaining that to a CO in an interview if discovered.
SMH.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Thanks everybody for your replies and sharing your opinions and experiences. Pretty much everybody made a good point and you are helping me with the decision-making process. I wish I could respond to every single post individually.

I think if I knew for sure that he cheated physically, I probably would have left right away.

Knowing how he ticks though, there is a great possibility that he only used these contacts for kicks/ as virtual turn-ons, kind of like porn, but did not act it out.

Still, even if he didn´t sleep with anyone, what he did was a form of cheating and there is no excuse. I was lonely too, but I stayed faithful. All I could think of is being with him and starting our new life.

I do think though that there is a difference between fantasizing and acting upon those fantasies. I think if he really didn´t have sex with anyone, there is a chance that I could work things out with him if he sought professional help. But how will I ever know what he did or did not do?!

It´s been over a week since I found out and I am still here. I did not want to leave out of haste with a decision made out of anger and shock. I just cannot accept that we invested so much time and effort into this just to give up easily. I think I need a little more time to figure out whether I want to stay or leave.

One other member suggested that I could use the remaining time of my visa and stay here and observe. His first counseling session is this coming week. He gave me permission to look through his computer and phone at any time. I want to see what efforts he will make to keep me here and fix this.

If I find out anything else or I realize that it´s too painful for me and my mind goes crazy with suspicious thoughts, I will leave.

Thanks again, guys.

I am glad he offered you a bit of transparency with his computer and phone. It is called being accountable and a small step in the right

direction.

I wish you the best in your decision with counseling.

I am so sorry you have to go through all this.

You seem like a beautiful person and I hope he appreciates you as you deserve to be honored, cherished and appreciated.

[sosad 4]

I am glad he offered you a bit of transparency with his computer and phone. It is called being accountable and a small step in the right

direction.

I wish you the best in your decision with counseling.

I am so sorry you have to go through all this.

You seem like a beautiful person and I hope he appreciates you as you deserve to be honored, cherished and appreciated.

Thank you for your kind words and for standing up for me against this insensitive person that posted on here earlier.

[Laser1 63]

His first counseling session is this coming week. He gave me permission to look through his computer and phone at any time. I want to see what efforts he will make to keep me here and fix this.

This is great news! Very positive steps. Good luck with the counseling!

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

So, we seem to have a double standard going here for USC petitioners and for beneficiaries.

It's just a lonely good old guy slipping when he is a USC seeking sex online but a scammer when it's the beneficiary !

All of a sudden it's ok to place ads seeking sex, taking women's emails out of loneliness just because your fiance is not yet here ?

Really ?

Nonsense.

In reference to xgrnberet1 comment and Gowon's like of the same. Try explaining that to a CO in an interview if discovered.

SMH.

Just to clarify:

I never once said that what the OP allege that her SO did was decent. It's one thing if she knew and was in agreement but she had no clue.

As far as CO and stuff, I kinda thing we need to place our own individual morality above the visa requirements, I know I did.

It's not the right thing that OPs SO did (IMHO), and it doesn't matter if it was pre, during or after the VisaJourney to me.

Is OPs SO a dirtbag, no he's not. He's human. Just like a past sitting President of the United States. Should she turn tail and go back home? Only she can decide that, but she doesn't have to as this can be worked out if they both want to.

[raven52 233]

To VanessaTony!

You contradict yourself with your post. I have proved that once a cheater always a cheater is not accurate. I would admit, that if you or me cheated on our husband or wife we have NOW, then YES we probably would again.

I was a terrible cheater in a former marriage, but so was she,..,,..,.so it is true in that case, but NOW no way in the world would I cheat on my wife..,never, so I was a cheater, but am not now.,.,.so the old saying is totally FALSE!

[TBoneTX 45,893]

There are many excellent replies here. I'm struck most by the "he is a pig" in the OP, and that the petitioner chose not to be forthcoming with his (assumedly) pending wife-for-life during a whole 8 months -- instead choosing to look elsewhere while (assumedly) pretending that all was well during his communications with her all that time.

If I knew all this as a CO who was deciding on whether to grant a visa, I know exactly what I'd do. If I were a kindly older relative of the OP, I'd say "All the available men on Earth who would figuratively kill for a relationship with you, and this is the level of your standards?" If I were the OP's best male friend, I'd say "He's saving you a lot of time. Count yourself lucky that you found out now, instead of later when it would be far more difficult to extricate yourself."

A rock-solid marriage relies on transparent communication, and there was none until the beneficiary actually arrived and found out the truth of what was going on. It was far different from her truth.

For a marriage that "has" to happen in a few weeks, a lot of fundamental counseling (individual for him, but better for the couple) needs to cover a lot of ground. My male perspective is that the OP should return home now, let the fiance pursue his counseling and personal growth, and -- in time -- pursue another I-129F/K-1, if they mutually wish. Right now, doubts exist on her part, and growth is needed on his part. Personal changes can be made but not endure, and the legal pressure of having to marry now should not compel a marriage at this time.

Edited October 7, 2013 by TBoneTX

[dutdutout 4]

People have weak moments. But at some point enough is enough. I would go back home. If you still want to be with him, you need to make him earn your trust back, and that may take some time. The ball is in your court. If he wants to make it work, he will. And if he doesn't, then you would have spent no more money on him. I hope things get better for you, but remember to be strong, and make him work for it.

[ella7883 2]

I vote (Is voting allowed?) -

--do not marry

--go back to your home country

--use your apartment sale proceeds to start over.

+1