Should I marry him or go back home?

[InHisTime 110]

"Sosad",

Girl, sorry that you have to go through this. Reading all the responses you received, I just think that -- if I were you, I will definitely not marry him and go back home before the 90 days expiration. Please be strong and know that God loves you so much. Be thankful to our almighty God, you have discovered the truth before you got married to him. It would be more different if you are already married with him -- I too will advise if possible to work it out first for the sake of marriage. But you aren't married to him yet, -- so you can still back off. I know it would be hard to start back home, but it would eventually get better in time.

Remember you came to the US through K-1 route, and you still need to adjust status after marriage -- it takes time before you can get your temporary green card, then on or before 2 years you still need to file for removal of conditions to get permanent residency. Just imagine the processes involve for you will be secured in your immigration status. I'm saying this to give emphasis that you need a strong relationship with this man. If you cannot TRUST him now or later, what is going to happen in the future ? Please don't gamble to stay if you aren't sure that he is not worthy of your trust. You will not be happy with him, and as result there would be possible disaster.

To continue, sorry I pressed the wrong keys

Just saying, there is a need for lots of working out in the relationship. Given the fact that you only have few days or weeks left before your 90 days expiration -- you might not be able to gain back the trust you have for him. It takes time....you might regret to marry him now --- TRUST is the foundation of respect.

You are still lucky to discover this before marriage. There are lots of VJs who have to go through divorce and more heartaches. God saves you !

I too didn't marry and came back home before my 90 days when I discovered something I didn't like about my fiance and his family, which bothered me so much for so many days and nights while in the US. Yeah, I also gave up so much comforts in life when I went in the US in the name of love, but I cannot be miserable for so long so I had to come home. And now slowly, but surely getting back on my feet.....and happy with my life. Don't ever settle for less.... I've learned my lessons well. Life is too short -- live it happily and peacefully.

I'm sure...you know what is best for you....just be strong and have faith in God.

[Another Account 4]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

I have also created a separate account to respond to you. I am well known on the boards and wouldn't want other people to know this.

I went through a similar situation although I know for definite that my husband (then my fiancé) cheated on me as I found the e-mails. I suspected something on a visit to him and did some investigation. That led to an e-mail address that I was not aware of, a posting on a dating website, an e-card to a woman which demonstrated that they had had sex. Using this information, I broke into his e-mail account and found the e-mails between them.

I confronted him with all my evidence (I actually confronted him at each stage). He broke down and begged me not to leave him. We talked it through, how he was feeling when I had to leave to go back to my home country. How he was devastated when I left. When we first met, he was still married and his divorce was brutal. His lawyer friend which helped him with the divorce was not familiar with divorces and my fiancé went to court to find he was fully divorce when he expected to have to wait 3 months cool down period. He just went into a complete tailspin and did not have the emotional tools to deal with what was happening. The cheating was more to do with his ex-wife than to do with me.

Why I decided to continue with our relationship was the behavior of my husband in the immediate aftermath of my finding out. Apart from a couple of mistakes he made in discussing it, he was truly remorseful. It wasn't that he was sorry for me finding out, he was truly sorry for having done it in the first place. He constantly apologized, he gave me all access to his e-mail accounts, he deleted the one that he used to communicate with 'her'. He worked constantly to rebuild my trust and was so so grateful that I stayed.

I married him less than a year after I found out and I don't regret staying with him at all.

Some pointers for you. He needs to have complete disclosure wit you. I have found that one of the most hurtful things is something called 'trickle truth'. The truth of what happened comes out in stages. Sometimes it depends on what you find out. they will only admit to what you actually know and no more. Your fiancé needs to be completely truthful. I do not believe that he didn't have sex with anyone else in that 8 months. I think he is saying that because you cannot prove otherwise. But he needs to be 100% honest with you in order for complete mending to happen.

It is good that he has agreed to go to counseling. That will help with the mending process. But only you know if you can get past this betrayal. You can forgive but you will never forget. It is 14 months since I found out but I think about it every day. It doesn't hurt as much as it did at the beginning but it still hurts. But I look at the good life we have - I look at the good man I married - and I am happy. He is fully aware that if ever does anything ever again, that I am gone. He will not get another chance. The fear he experienced when he almost lost me (I had my bags packed when he came home for my final confrontation) is something he never wants to feel again.

Some people have said 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. This is not true. Circumstances sometimes mean that people do things that are not truly part of their nature. Sometimes good people do bad things but it doesn't make them bad people. Just flawed and human. As are we all.

I found help by posting on this forum - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/ - They also have a thread for LDRs.

If you want to talk, then please don't hesitate to PM me and I will send you my phone number. I know what it can be like - I was 4000 miles away from 'home' when I found out and had no one I could really talk to.

[HislittleSecret 21]

You are right for not believing everything he says at this point. I believe the step forward is counseling. I know trust is a hard thing and if he were doing anything else you would definitely know. My grounds for terminating a relationship are cheating and any sort of abuse. Like you said you are not sure if he acted on it but you feel you need to make a decision now. The only one that knows your story is you and God. You need to seek God in the matter because if he is indeed who God put in your life. You two are supposed to be together. It's a real messed up situation and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. No offense, there is a lot of bitter comments....lol everybody has been cheated on including myself by my exs. I forgave them so I can laugh about it. I ain't bitter...I'm better! Anywho, go to counseling and pray about it. See where your heart leads you. Go to a pastor.... Don't make a drastic decision and regret not ever really finding out if he is telling the truth. Once a cheater always a cheater is NOT a true statement. People do change....tell his azz to get off craigslist. That seems so desperate. I understand dating site but craigslist. Makes me think of the Craigslist killer.

[bigdog 376]

Good Luck with what ever you do, take care of number one.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Goodness, quite a bit to go off here.

First, the trust was gone before if you felt comfortable going through someone's computer or email.

Second, did you ever define the relationship and what is cheating and what isn't? People do get married and have open relationships. Accidently dated a few of those gals....your married? Could have told me before last night, not again! You didn't ask

All that really matters though, is what do you want to do? The 90 days is there to give people time to think if they are supposed to be together or not.

Not from what I've read.

You signed a letter of intent to marry to the feds.

It's supposed to be time for you to get married.

[watdog 8]

Yes, it's an intent to marry. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind when things like this come up. Or family doesn't like the fiancee or fiancee doesn't enjoy the states etc. Your given the 90 days for this reason or plan your wedding. The time is yours to use, after 90 days if your not married then yes you have to leave.

[Brit Abroad 166]

In a case like this it's very often heart versus head. The heart wants what it desires, and it often finds a way to forget what the head may not be able to forgive in the long term.

The only person who can decide if you have enough of a relationship to continue into marriage, with confidence and faith is you. If you do go ahead, please make sure you take him at his word for counseling to get to the bottom of his actions. It isn't normal for people who get engaged to be looking for sex on free listings. It just isn't, and you know that.

Marriage is about many things, but honesty and fidelity are very high up on my list of requirements and I know that I would prefer not to marry the kind of guy who wants to justify his actions by saying "but I was lonely" .... weren't you lonely while you were waiting for your visa? Did you cheat? Were you out scanning sites for sex with strangers? I'm guessing that, like most of us, you were not.

At the end of the day, you get engaged to someone you know wants to be with you, and only you, with a view to making it a lifetime commitment. If you have any doubts that this is the case, go home. There's nothing to stop you guys from getting married somewhere in the future and going through the visa process again when you are both 100% sure it is the right decision and you are ready.

It's hard enough to move to a foreign country with no family, friends, work or anything else that gives you comfort without suffering an unhappy, untrusting marriage on top of it.

Think long and hard about what YOU need and what YOU want. At this stage, YOU are the one giving up everything for this relationship. He's merely adding a new member to his household.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Yes, it's an intent to marry. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind when things like this come up. Or family doesn't like the fiancee or fiancee doesn't enjoy the states etc. Your given the 90 days for this reason or plan your wedding. The time is yours to use, after 90 days if your not married then yes you have to leave.

I continue to disagree but that's my own opinion.

When I call someone a Fiancee then I would have fully vetted them before deciding to marry.

We do agree that you can change your mind but the K1 visa is not a get to know the family or see if your intended is a perve.

[T & K 1]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. If I were you, I would go back to a home country. Loneliness should have used as an excuse to cheat because if he carefully thought about it, you were lonely too. I hope for the best for you

[Sveta & Ron 23]

i read you came only few weeks ago the k1 is good for 90 days imo use that full 90 days and make sure he understands that if he not start to regain your trust he knows you are history. btw make sure you have the air ticket to show you are not bs'in

[T&T&T 31]

Sorry but I think You should go back home and start over. I doubt you know everything he has done at this point.

[himher 634]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

Male perspective: You might want to sanitize him before you start your life together - boiling water for 20 minutes is good (as is soaking in bleach but you might discover that boiling is way, way more fun).

We did the K visa thing back in 2007 and the last thing on my mind was 'craigslist'. Seriously? The whole household-joining thing and the time apart was stressful true but I'm recalling back then that complicating things by adding a few extra girls was not really what I viewed to be in my best interest. Balancing more than one chick when you are just dating and not committed is WAY more stressful (and expensive) than the immigration process (experience speaking).

Summary: It ain't the stress, it ain't the expense, it ain't the self-esteem. You want input and this is mine - this guy isn't ready to settle down and be married and he sure isn't committed to this. I believe I would suggest that you probably write this one off, go back home, and find a man who is. Seen too many times where one is committed and the other is not and it ends badly, most of the time.

Sorry for the bad input, but wish you well.

[madtownguy 164]

I don't think it really matter what he did as long as you are happy. I'm assuming you probably were a little snoopy and found this stuff out, maybe it is just part of who he is and he wants to keep it aside from your relationship. I know plenty of married guys that need to feel like they can still pick up girls, they will try to get a number and then walk away saying I could've had her. It's an ego thing I think. You should know if a guy is really having an affair because he won't be around much and will be distant when he is. If he spends almost all his free time with you then I personally think you don't have anything to worry about. You are easily replaceable, if he hasn't done that then what is the worry? I don't say that in a bad way, we are all easily replaceable. I hope you figure something out, I'm sure you will be just fine whatever you decide to do.

[watdog 8]

When I call someone a Fiancee then I would have fully vetted them before deciding to marry.

We do agree that you can change your mind but the K1 visa is not a get to know the family or see if your intended is a perve.

Sure that is you, fully vetted but probably not the fiance she is talking about.

A K1 can be used as time to get to know the family as well. For instance, my fiancee was denied a tourist visa to visit my family. She's from the same country as original poster. They specifically told her you can visit on a K-1 for up to 90 days or get married to visit the US. This is from the US embassy consulate. If the roles were reversed and she did this in the states she would be gone. But that's me and where I'm at in life.

As for male perspective:

I've dated multiple women at once, always up front about it and they all of knew that. To me craigslist and not knowing someone...what's the difference if he picked up some random girl at the bar? None to me, the intent is still there. Time's can be difficult away but it really tests the strength of the relationship. It's better to find this out now as I just had a friend that divorced her husband and found almost the exact same things you mentioned after she was married. I would next the person as someone better is out there for you.

[Janelle2002 3,865]

Poster.

Remember this is the U.S. with one of the highest divorce rates. ......

What to do when you get married to someone else later and find out that he cheated or talked with other women?

You have to decide whether or not your relationship is worth it, no one else. It s easier to give up than to work hard. Things can be fixable with two people working at it. If he is not willing to work at it then you have your answer. Don't let other people determine your future because we will not live with your decision, you will.