Should I marry him or go back home?

[lindenTree 5]

oh, there are lots of go back home comments.. I think that's not that easy. I did similarly same things you've done. left my job, left my family behind and all my social life. For the one I love..

I only can advice you to listen to your hearth. And i believe that love is not sth that we can handle by ourselves. It's something getting stronger when we are together with beloved one. Think deeply about how you felt when you were together.. i mean before you learnt about his weaknesses.

Just listen to your hearth. It won't be easy to start things over, trusting him again. But just think, can you do that for this man? can you give him another chance?

You don't need to walk in the same way as the others. Sometimes fixing problems can make life better than having no problems. I had a couple friends. Girl cheated on him and after he learnt her mistake they had some bad days. But both of them wanted to fix this and they have very good life now. They are more open to each other than any couples i've ever seen. ( She had the same excuses as your husband, she cheated him when she was feeling too weak and when she had big concerns about the relationship) .

Another point is you don't have any concerns about today, do you? You are sad about the 8months. Ask him if he really wants to fix this problem. Then think about yourself if you can help him to fix this.. This is your relationship and don't let other people decide your future. Ask your hearth.

I hope the best for you..

[Novembro 1,763]

I mean I agree, listen to your heart, but don't let a desire to "make things work" override what you feel. Do what you want. Don't take our advice as the end-all, be-all for your relationship because only YOU knows what you want.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Well, we went through almost the same thing in 2007 when I arrived in the UK the first time to live. It was a completely "online" kind of thing and I was DEVASTATED. I didn't think I could ever forgive him, or trust him. I almost flew home, but we were already married, and I just couldn't imagine giving up. It was hard...really hard. BUT, we both worked together to make our relationship stronger. I'm really glad I did, because we are truly life partners now. The trust is the hardest part to build back, and if he is truly willing to whatever he has to do to build that back then you may want to give him another chance. But he has to be willing to do whatever. For a few years, I had ALL of hubby's passwords and usernames. Not once did he complain about me "checking" up on him because he knew he had broken my trust. I still have his passwords, but have not felt the need to check in a very long time. My trust in him is back and I love him with my whole being again.

Only you can decide if you can stick it out...and if he's worth it. Its really hard and it will require you BOTH to work it out. He'll need to be patient and understanding and you'll have to do your best not to constantly bring it back up and throw it back at him during stressful times. It is possible though to get past it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[raven52 233]

To me, having been a "cheater" for many years, this guy is a dirt bag,..,.,RUN.,.., I STRONGLY DISAGREE with the "OLD SAYING" once a cheater, always a cheater.,.,.I WAS.,.,once as bad as they come, I now have a wonderful, beautiful Filipino wife, AND WOULD NEVER, EVER EVEN THINK OF OR EVER CHEAT ON MY WIFE..,..,Never! THAT SAYING, IS VERY OLD AND not VERY ACCURATE! "Once a cheater, always, how absurd" Maybe cheaters have a reason to cheat, sometimes! It was my case many years ago! BUT, never now, NEVER!

[Fafoo 24]

I want to believe she asked for advice and not judgment on her fiancee. Every relationship is not the same and cos you experienced same that ended badly does not mean her situation will end that way. We don't even know this guy, she is the only one who sees it all. Some of you are bitter and don't care, everyone deserve a second chance even a third, fourth, fifth etc cos we make mistakes, because it did/didn't work out doesn't mean he/she is an angel/a devil.

We don't have all the answers to the questions of life.

He is still her fiancee and stop judging him, if you have nothing better to say, move to the next topic.

[carocaro 22]

Craig's List??? Seriously? with strangers?

Yah, I'd be on the next flight home.

[Iam_broken 3]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

[Atif & Sana 3]

OMG girl, First off i'm so sorry that this happened. Trust me once a LIAR is always a LIAR. This is devastating i mean how could he do this. There's absolute no excuse for this act. Let me tell you something don't feel bad or embarrassed because, you didn't do anything wrong. I'd say if his family and your family are involved in this relationship then let them know & get there feedback on this matter. Otherwise, I'm sorry if i was you i would dump him. I would now want to have a husband who look for other women's on dating website and even worst on craigslist, most of the guys go on craigslist who are really desperate so i doubt if he didn't had sex. So girl, If you live in California contact me i'm willing to help you as much as i can. I really feel bad for whatever your going through. But, you have to think for your future I'm sure god has a better plan for you. So don't waste your precious time on him do what's right for you, and your future. May God give you strengthen & blessing to deal with this matter.

[DeWayne&CeCy 6]

DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT FOR YOU NOT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WHO BY THE WAY, DO NOT HAVE TO WALK IN YOUR SHOES

[Hollyday 122]

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Generally, there's nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. But your case is different - sex ads on craigslist is already enough as it is. Maintaining contact with old friends could be innocent enough but this definitely isn't. It's good you've found out before you got married. Think about what's best for you. Trust is crucial in a relationship and he didn't even manage to wait for you without slipping.

[Iam_broken 3]

I have been in your situation but the good thing about your f, he admitted that he committed those mistakes and that he is willing to undergo counselling. It is not easy for a man to admit that yes, I made these/those mistakes and I wanted to make it right this time so I think his willingness to change for a better means that he wanted to work it out for both of you. It is not easy to be in your situation because the trust has been broken and it is hard to rebuild the trust but remember that forgiving will help you to be more at peace. Everyone deserves a second chance, if you think that he deserves that "chance" then why not give it to him?You will never know if it will work for both of you if you give up and go back here in our country.

I know it is painful, but if you keep on dealing on the negative thoughts, you can't forget,it will be hard for you to trust again but if you fiance is willing to regain and rebuild it again, then give him a second chance.Loving is all about forgiving and forgetting.Everyone has weaknesses and loving also is all about accepting all the bad and good things about him.

God bless you and hope you find an answer. I wanted to add you but I don't know how. I wanted to share my experience to you too..

[sun&ted 1]

I am so sorry for you. That is a difficult situatin you in.

Maybe try a mind game. What if you were still at home in your country and that would have happened (I mean if you both lived in the samecp country and none of you were an alien?)

Also, as you posted this, what kind of answer were YOU hoping for? Your heart already knows, what you are trying to read here.

I wish you the courage to listen to yiur heart and the strenghf to go through this, which ever may be your path

Good luck.

[sydneyron 1]

You are still lucky you didn't tie the knot yet.

Not too late....100 % I believe that there is someone out there deserving to love you and will give you full respect.

pack up and move back home

hugs

[InHisTime 110]

"Sosad",

Girl, sorry that you have to go through this. Reading all the responses you received, I just think that -- if I were you, I will definitely not marry him and go back home before the 90 days expiration. Please be strong and know that God loves you so much. Be thankful to our almighty God, you have discovered the truth before you got married to him. It would be more different if you are already married with him -- I too will advise if possible to work it out first for the sake of marriage. But you aren't married to him yet, -- so you can still back off. I know it would be hard to start back home, but it would eventually get better in time.

Remember you came to the US through K-1 route, and you still need to adjust status after marriage -- it takes time before you can get your temporary green card, then on or before 2 years you still need to file for removal of conditions to get permanent residency. Just imagine the processes involve for your be secured in your immigration status. I'm saying this to give emphasis that you need a strong relationship with this man. If you cannot TRUST him now or later, what is going to happen in the future ? Please don't gamble to stay if you aren't sure that he is not worthy of your trust. You will not be happy with him, and as resul

[watdog 8]

Goodness, quite a bit to go off here.

First, the trust was gone before if you felt comfortable going through someone's computer or email.

Second, did you ever define the relationship and what is cheating and what isn't? People do get married and have open relationships. Accidently dated a few of those gals....your married? Could have told me before last night, not again! You didn't ask

All that really matters though, is what do you want to do? The 90 days is there to give people time to think if they are supposed to be together or not.

Edited October 6, 2013 by watdog