Should I marry him or go back home?

[ConGau1981 56]

How can you believe him when he says he didn't sleep with any of those women? Does that even make a difference to you? He got caught, and maybe he didn't have the opportunity to cheat YET!! I am sorry that you didn't find this out sooner, but at least you don't have to go through a divorce. And I have not seen my fiance since April but I have enough strength to stay faithful, When I get lonely I go to the gym or I Volunteer to work overtime but I don't go seek out sex with strangers. What if he caught an STD? God forbid that should happen....Leave and find a man with strong morals and character

[AmyWrites 593]

I've been through this. Leave him. It doesn't matter what he actually did or did not do, you will never trust him again.

[Stevephoto 230]

I cannot speak for you---only you can make that decision--but my bags would be packed. He violated your trust. No trust=no relationship. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Fafoo 24]

A tough one

Amos 3 verse 3

I want to apply my point of view to this situation from both sides. For every story that has been 'lived happily ever after' there have been some real tough and rough situations in between , it only took two people who agreed to work it out through it all. I am not justifying this man here but I want to believe living together just revealed to you the things you weren't able to see from a distance, now that you have found out, is it a trust broken or you just found out your man's weakness, what do you want to do about it?

This seem to be your real first storm, you want to steer your ship to safety?

You have given so much, and you are truly committed, which is impressive , maybe this relationship needs to draw its stent from you.

You two really have to talk about this, the devil you know is far better than the angel you don't know.

I also want to believe you see it all better than everyone here and like Gowon said everything can be worked out.

There are things that are not lovable about our partners but we love them unconditionally anyway.

[Tosh Love 77]

Wow! This is a lot for anyone and my heart goes out to you for starting anew in a place after giving up your lifestyle and your comfort zone. That being said, I think only you can answer the question you posed. A wise woman once told me that there are basic things most people want in a mate--looks, prosperity, love, sexual compatibility and a protector (all these in various form or fashion). The most you can hope for is three at the most in one mate so if your mate cheats on you it is up to you to decide if that is non-negotiable or if there are enough things in that mate to make you stay. To some people, cheating is not a deal breaker per se and other things rate higher on their list. Whatever you decide has to work for YOU and you only. Best Wishes and Blessings.

[ricnally 259]

8 months is a loooong time to go without sex for most people, and pretty much impossible for some. This crazy immigration journey makes everything topsy turvy compared to what a "normal" engagement might be. I don't think the idea of "starting with a clean slate", now that you're in-country, is unreasonable.

[ArianneChris 6]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only tell you what I would do if it was me. I would definitely pack my bags and leave. People are different, you may not be the same as me. But if you were... then, this is what would happen I would never forget this. I can forgive, but never forget. Every time I remember those long hard months when I almost drove myself crazy just waiting waiting waiting... thinking of leaving everything I know and love behind for the love of my life. It was worth it to me. But what did he do? ... He took the most precious thing I could ever give to someone - my trust - and thought absolutely nothing of it. If you were already married, I would probably stay. But since not yet... I would leave. If he REALLY loves you. He will go after you, leave everything HE knows behind, and follow you.

There is still a lot to go back to - your family, friends, not being an "alien" in a country, possibly an easier time finding a job, your favorite restaurants and cafes - . You will find someone who is worthy of the selfless love that you can give, and that you can trust wholeheartedly. Don't settle for less.

Edited October 6, 2013 by ArianneChris

[Missy Crissy 5]

Hi everyone and thanks for reading this. I´ve been a member for a while, but I am posting under a different user name because I don´t want to be recognized, it would be too embarrassing. Please understand.

My situation is this:

I came to the US a few weeks ago on a K1 visa. My fiance and I have been very much in love and had, what I thought was a healthy, functioning relationship. I was thrilled to finally be able to be with him and marry the „love of my life“. I gave up everything in my home country, a great job, my apartment, I sold almost everything I had. I thought it/he was worth it and I was excited to start my new life with him.

My world was shaken when I recently found out what my fiance had been doing behind my back during the past 8 months when I was not around:

• he had an ad running on craigslist in which he was looking for sex (exchanged pictures and messages with females, no evidence of ever meeting anyone in person and he denies it)

• he met a woman at a cafe (I don´t know who approached who) and after a conversation, they exchanged email addresses. They supposedly only exchanged a couple of emails and talked on the phone once

• throughout our relationship he kept in touch with several women he had met online supposedly before he even met me, and they were „just friends“

• he reached out to an ex

He says he did not have sex with anyone nor did he meet with anyone in person. He tried to explain to me how lonely he had felt after I had gone back to my home country and he was not able to see me for 8 months. He said he was under a lot of pressure because of his financial situation and he was not sure whether he was making enough money to support me (affidavit of support). Therefore, he kind of got cold feet due to all the responsibility.

I think what he is trying to say is that he felt weak and not like the man he wanted to be (a good provider), therefore he was looking for female attention to build up his self-esteem.

I don´t know if I should marry him and try to work things out or if I should go back home. We only have a few more weeks until my visa expires.

I almost believe him (about 80-90%) that he did not do anything physical with anyone. But the trust is broken and will be hard to rebuild. He agreed to go to counseling though. I have absolutely nothing to go back home to. I am so torn and hurt.

I would be grateful for any constructive input. ( Please no harsh comments, I know he is a pig and it hurts enough as is).

Let´s assume he did NOT actually have sex with anyone. Could you try to forgive the amount and types of female contacts that he had?

Also, a male perspective would be interersting: can you understand what lead him to do these things?

Thanks, guys.

The fact that he did it behind your back, you already know the answer.

My fiance and I are very open about women he still talks to and he knows that I still go to the dating site where we met. But my profile said I'm engage and only looking for friends. My fiance was the one who suggested not to close my door to opposite sex just because I'm getting married, or married in the future. He wants me to socialize still and the last thing he wants to do is cage me. I admire him for saying those things to me and giving me the freedom to spread my wings and I give the same in return. He still communicates with other women, he meet women for me as well. He wanted me to have friends when I arrive in the U.S since I don't have any family or friends there.

If only your fiance told you what he's going through, it would have been different. That means he trust you that you'll trust him. Trust is important. Once it's lost, you'll always have doubts if he's telling the truth or not. Without trust, why stay in the relationship? Don't worry that you don't have anything when you go back to your home country. I'm sure you'll get back on your feet in no time. Women are survivor and fighters. You'll be fine.

Worry about the long effect if you continue with the marriage. You're lucky to find out now, than find out later. Take that as a sign of not getting stuck in a situation that you couldn't get out.

[coconuthead 1]

CaroSL's advice is sound. You are the only one who truly knows the answer.

The reason I am here at this site is because my ex cheated on me. We had been together almost twenty years and he had never done it before and he wasn't looking for it. Our relationship wasn't perfect but he chose to deal with our problems in a really stupid way. I stayed for several months waiting for him to get it out of his system, as I knew it really wasn't his style to be a cheat. I eventually left, and met a wonderful man in the US that I've been dating for two and a half years. My ex is remorseful now, and wants me back, but it's too late. There came a day when I just knew I'd had enough and I left.

The bottom line is how well do you really know this guy? How long have you been together? Men do get cold feet and do stupid things. There's no excuse for it but I think relationships can be repaired after infidelity - sometimes.

Is he willing to do absolutely anything to fix this? Is he completely and totally remorseful? Is he taking all the blame or is he trying to pin some on you? THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He may have made a mistake or he may be a serial cheater. Can you live with the maybes? What will you do if the marriage doesn't work? Think it all through and you will know the truth. Unfortunately you don't have a lot of time, but you will know what you need to do.

I wish you happiness however you choose to deal with this.

[Jawaree 718]

Lady as a man all I can say is to think hard about your decision quickly,

ask him if he would be willing to accept getting counseling, and search

your heart. Don't look to the internet for a serious life-time decisions, U'll

be mis-led...I am married & never cheated so I cant see Y hubby was so

lonely, did U meet him on the net? I personally don't believe the net-surfing

abruptly ends (just my belief).

Maybe he cheated maybe he just hanged out, but what after marriage, will

he do the same, does he still want to be married, does he truly love U, ask

him these questions and go with your heart, also if you all are under 30

get counseling and move on , if he is wavering then go on back home...best wishes

[Sami0101010001 8]

I think you should go back home, Build your life again and I am sure you will meet a great man that will respect you and love you. this man doesn't deserve you. I met my ex-wife in Japan, I hade a great job, nice apartment and a great life, left everything just to be with my American fiancée. we ve been together for 7 years, she left me for an other guy. being a lone in this country after she divorced me was my worst time in my life, I almost killed my self but thank God I thought about my 2 beautiful kids, my family back home and my religion and moved on with my life. I couldn't go back home because I love my kids and I couldn't stay because it was to hard for me until I met a wonderful woman (Hadjer) last year, we both love each other and I know that when she come I will be the happiest man in earth. That is why you should go back home. Kindest Regards.

[Laser1 63]

I thought of these questions:

-Is this an on-going situation? Is he still doing such things now? Do you two agree on how he should behave going forward? If he is behaving properly, then maybe he was just slow in transitioning from being single.

-Does he show through other means that he is serious about your relationship? In other words, does this seem like a weakness to you, or does it seem like he is really not serious? If he still seems truly serious, then maybe it is worthwhile to stay and work on this issue.

Edited October 6, 2013 by Laser1

[clairegie 265]

You don't want to start a marriage with so much issues about his faithfulness already. Its already ruined before it even started. Insecurities or whatever other issues he has, he is supposed to confide all this with you, not build his ego by flirting elsewhere. Marriage is a commitment to ONE person. As per personal experience, this has happened to me before. And what the others said was true, once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.

[Boiler 45,931]

Go home.

[del-11-03-13-3 11]

Your situation really sucks but I say go home. My relationship with my ex was similar (except we always lived in the same city). After being with my ex for many years, I saw some emails in our shared email account he had sent to a girl overseas. I know they never met but what he said to her still hurt. We broke up for a short time then eventually got back together because I didn't feel like I could live without him. For the next 4 years the relationship slowly fell apart, I could never completely trust him again and he didn't trust me because of the things I found about his contact with the overseas girl. I never found the strength to leave him until he was completely neglecting me and I saw him talking to girls online again. Two years into the relationship devolving I became friends with a great guy and the fiancé visa for him is almost done which is 2 years after leaving the ex. I still regret how long I stayed with my ex and just how much I let him walk all over me. I should have left the first time the ex was caught but I stayed 4 more years and he lived with me the last 2 years.