7 years is enough..my story :)

[Rosesarered 11]

I just filed for divorce from my immigrant husband (morocco) and even though I know my post will be lost soon into the posting abyss I want to share my story as perhaps someone may benefit from it and make a better choice. I was very frequently on here in 2006 doing the cr1 visa process for my than fiancé and it took about a year. He was able to come here in 2007 finally on his cr1 visa. Before meeting him (online) I was on guard for the signs of someone clearly out for a visa and might ditch me after getting one, so I did not put much weight on some other signs of incompatibility once those thigs were ruled out for me.

My husband was very attentive and romantic online, his words were sugary and flattering. I am very attractive so used to this from men but our age difference (20 years) which has not been a factor ever even with the visa was sensitive to me personally.

My husband is very conservative and proper and respectful, calm quiet by nature and even after spending a month with him in morocco I dismissed most of his lack of outward affection toward me as new nervousness and lack experience with public displays of affection ( very common in morocco) If I asked him he always said I was very beautiful. If I asked him he always said he loved me and would always love me. If I asked him he always gave the right answers but he never ever in all of our years together (7) volunteered any flattery or affection nor romance at all which has worn me down and made me lose feelings toward him. He does not celebrate any of our American holidays, birthdays etc… he will go along with me but he is not at all interested. He always comes home after work and does not go out with friends (I don’t believe he’s a cheater at all) but he just wants to lay around and watch tv or read the news. He would gladly sleep all day on days off. In the beginning I thought he was depressed and took him to therapy but she said he just does not share his thoughts (even with her) she felt he was hiding something which made me nervous but he wasn’t really doing anything suspicious other than being a bit cold and boring. I attributed this to his not being used to showing affection from his culture and he agreed and said in time he hoped to change that because he rally was happy and loved me.

You (I) would never be able to know he loved me ever as he never reached out to touch me even casually, never told me I looked pretty, or kissed me without me starting a kiss.

He would hate that I am sharing any of our personal details in public BTW. He would never talk about anything personal with anyone. Needless to say my point is that even when I told him I fiked for a divorce as I never really felt married, he was emotionless and just said “wow, when did you find time to file, and did he have to move out?”

There is absolutely no signs of emotion at all, and to think how in love I thought I was with him, all those mos waiting, years waiting……. BTW the romance on line I discovered was from online poem sites! You can add your personal details in between the lines to make them seem from the heart ARG!

I would do it again actually (not with him) but I would be a bit smarter

[XXoverwhelmedXX 1]

To be honest with you, this is common in middle eastern families especially older generation and I'm so sad to say that but it's true. It's just how they're raised. It's hard for them to show emotions and I'm sure he did not use you for the visa but it's the way he's raised and maye he has emotional problems too so don't feel bad and I hope you can find someone better

[Rosesarered 11]

Thanks XX. I know part of why I waited so many years is because he's not mean and we never fight. Even worked together in my business for several years until I couldnt take the complacentness anylonger. I had so hoped he would snap into it or out of it and he is completely clueless to why I feel like I do which makes me feel very selfish and hasty but I am love starved! My friends are traveling with theyre hubbies and doing so many fun things together and I am like a robo wife . I wish I did not feel like this but....?....I just hope to open some other girls eyes to this possibility before her heart too gets broken

[Sandra G. 5,057]

In some culture they do not display public affection, but once the door is closed is another story. The guy never told that he loved you , you had to ask, the guy never said you are beautiful, you had to ask, they guy never kissed you if you did not start, the guy did not touch if you did not initiate...well reading your post I am sorry to be honest but it seems he had zero love and/or desire for you. A man madly in love will never act like that at all! I am glad you said enough, you deserve better.

Edited October 6, 2013 by sandranj

[WantOut 2]

Rose's I know the feeling. I have another thread going in the section and that is one of the main reasons I am seeking a divorce. I know what you are going through. My wife has never initiated intimacy or affection. She spends almost her whole time at home in the bedroom on her ipad or laptop. Never has come out to watch a movie or TV on the couch without my request. Guys need to know they are wanted as well. Hey we all want to know that we are wanted and loved so hang in there and I know Mr. Right is hanging out around the corner for you.

[Rosesarered 11]

Sandranj I totally agree with you and Wantout I agree with you also thanks.

[Sami0101010001 8]

Well I really don't understand American woman, You said that he is a nice guy, never cheated on you and he did not use you for green card so why can't you work to solve your problems? remember that this guy left his country, his family his life in morocco just to be with you. You want him to be an American? you loved a Moroccan man not an American. why don't you change an accept his culture, You married him and you know that his has a deferent culture non? don't tell me that you did not know that as a Moroccan or Muslim man will not share any of personal details in public. I think you were following your heart when you loved him and brought him to America and now you are following other people advice how and what is the best way to get out for your relation. That's why I am so happy to be with a woman that will never take me for granted.

[berber_wife 90]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad you shared your story because it's an important one.

I think people (especially in high-fraud consulates) get caught up in determining whether there is fraud and convincing family, friends and immigration that their partner doesn't not have fraudulent intentions-and they don't focus as much on determining compatibility.

And for the record, incompatibility isn't always a cultural thing. Sometimes it's a personality thing. There's plenty of emotionally absent guys in this country too.

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Well I really don't understand American woman, You said that he is a nice guy, never cheated on you and he did not use you for green card so why can't you work to solve your problems? remember that this guy left his country, his family his life in morocco just to be with you. You want him to be an American? you loved a Moroccan man not an American. why don't you change an accept his culture, You married him and you know that his has a deferent culture non? don't tell me that you did not know that as a Moroccan or Muslim man will not share any of personal details in public. I think you were following your heart when you loved him and brought him to America and now you are following other people advice how and what is the best way to get out for your relation. That's why I am so happy to be with a woman that will never take me for granted.

Oh just STFU Sami.. Shes 20 years older.. And yes some of us KNOW THE CULTURE very very very well. It has NOTHING to do with her. He married her MARRIAGE BLANCHE...And she is Ajoouza for him and was his boat here.. And giving her any advice is really not needed.

I was used and abused for a greencard and citizenship by an Algerian ... I was also OLDER than him by about 11 years... She has the RIGHT to be with someone who has sex with her loves her...GIve me a freaking BREAK about culture. BTW I am now with someone from ALGERIA who is ONE YEAR YOUNGER WITH PAPERS... And if he ignores her and has been here 6 years and treats her like , she has the right to talk about it... You have to understand that SOME OF US have a clue... YES, its common knowledge over there, just marry someone, ANYONE And get the hell out of there.. Once they get here, it either goes super bad or super good. In my case, he was beating my ### from the minute he got off the plane, breaking my things, pushing me, hitting me and I NEVER TALKED BACK.. I tried to play good wife... Well you know what? After 6 years I was SICK OF IT. I did not blame all Algerians. I DO BLAME HIM.. He used and abused me.. I met the guy I am dating now who is ALGERIAN TOO... But he HAS HIS PAPERS... and hes one year younger so hes with me by CHOICE. So I have seen BOTH SIDES OF IT! He also has several friends who married Americans and NONE OF THEM ARE WITH THEIR WIVES! So PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE spare this poor woman a freaking lecture and she has the right to be happy.. And I am so happy you didint do marriage blanche but alot of North Africans do.. ALOT.. and the fact she is so much older should have sent alarm bells off.. For the love of GOd, I can listen to the rest of these people but not you. Dont you DARE give her a lecture. DONT YOU DARE knowing that MARRIAGE BLANCHE is the preferred way for alot of these guys to make their lives at the EXPENSE of the American... I am with a WONDERFUL ALGERIAN MAN.. But he is my own age and he did not need papers.. which frankly was the only choice I could or would make for myself. But I wont tolerate you giving this poor woman a lecture.. She can be happy again. She can be loved again.. and she can start over.. But I would recommend she finds someone STATESIDE and with papers and there are great men here that can love and take care of her if she likes north african culture... But she sure does not need a lecture from YOU!

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad you shared your story because it's an important one.

I think people (especially in high-fraud consulates) get caught up in determining whether there is fraud and convincing family, friends and immigration that their partner doesn't not have fraudulent intentions-and they don't focus as much on determining compatibility.

And for the record, incompatibility isn't always a cultural thing. Sometimes it's a personality thing. There's plenty of emotionally absent guys in this country too.

I totally agree...but I have seen some of the guys who used the woman to get there hang around like a bad habit CONTINUING to use the woman for this or that out of lonliness and whatever LOL.. I know mine sure tried...

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Thanks XX. I know part of why I waited so many years is because he's not mean and we never fight. Even worked together in my business for several years until I couldnt take the complacentness anylonger. I had so hoped he would snap into it or out of it and he is completely clueless to why I feel like I do which makes me feel very selfish and hasty but I am love starved! My friends are traveling with theyre hubbies and doing so many fun things together and I am like a robo wife . I wish I did not feel like this but....?....I just hope to open some other girls eyes to this possibility before her heart too gets broken

You can be happy again.. I left mine after 6 years and a hell of alot of pain. I have NEVER regretted it...I know you did the best you could but seriously, dont listen to other people about whats best for you..Alot of this is the age difference, seriously. If you could hook up with someone closer in age, I promise you things will be better..

Dont lose hope and do the things in life that make YOU happy!

[Sarah Elle-Même 660]

Well I really don't understand American woman, You said that he is a nice guy, never cheated on you and he did not use you for green card so why can't you work to solve your problems? remember that this guy left his country, his family his life in morocco just to be with you. You want him to be an American? you loved a Moroccan man not an American. why don't you change an accept his culture, You married him and you know that his has a deferent culture non? don't tell me that you did not know that as a Moroccan or Muslim man will not share any of personal details in public. I think you were following your heart when you loved him and brought him to America and now you are following other people advice how and what is the best way to get out for your relation. That's why I am so happy to be with a woman that will never take me for granted.

Not emoting or displaying affection in public = perfectly normal for Arab men. Not displaying any affection or love in the marital home = not normal at all, even for Arab men. You ought to know that, Sami. This is not a case of culture, it is a case of personality and an incompatible couple.

OP - you seem to be coping very well. You deserve, and you will find, someone who treats you the way you should be treated and love you the way you should be loved. Wishing you the best in the future.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Sarah and Adnan

[Sami0101010001 8]

Let me tell you my story:

I met my Polish German American Blonde in Japan when I was a French teacher there. We were so in love, I was 32 and she was 30. We had 2 beautiful kids, I loved her and we never had any problems, she came to Algiers 3 times, my family loved her. I never cheated on her, respect her, her family loved me too. She used to cook for me couscous and our traditional soup (Shorba). We never have any problems regarding religion or tradition. I respect her religion and she respected mine. I even cooked for her bacon. I used to drink so we used to go for a romantic dinner out and going with her to her friends party. Very cute couple. 5 years later after my daughter born she start to change and became different and every time I ask her if I did something wrong to make her sad she used to say (It’s not you, it’s me). After being with her for 7 years, I had to take my father to Paris for a cancer surgery, I had to stay there for 3 months, she used to send me email and tell me how much she support me and how much she loves my dad. 3 days before coming back to USA she asked for divorce, I found out that she met a guy 5 years younger than her, 7 years younger than me. I almost killed my self, being a lone in this country after she divorced me was my worst time in my life, thank God I thought about my 2 beautiful kids, my family back home and my religion and moved on with my life. I couldn't go back home because I love my kids and I couldn't stay because it was too hard for me to see my wife with another man and taking ½ time away from my kids’ lives. I used to cry like a kids every night, asking god to take my life and hopping to die after a sleep night.

Never brought a woman to my kids’ lives, never wanted a relationship with any woman again, and just focusing how to be a good father to my kids and work hard to make a living.

Last year I met an Algeria young lady in Algiers, and I realize that god offered me my second chance and make me love again. I am so great full that I didn’t kill myself and grateful that I stop drinking and mostly that I forget that evil woman.

Today I found out in the website that the status for my wonderful Algerian fiancée changed from AP to READY. YAYYYY God is great.

My point is this I really believe what goes around comes around

[Rosesarered 11]

I appreciate all of the feedback and opinions on this topic. They are all good points and perspectives. I did learn a lot I about Moroccan culture, can make my mother in laws couscous perfectly, harcha, millui, cure black olives which I also grow, green tea w mint from my garden etc... I was very much into his culture and him as well and did not take him for granted I am not an unkind woman. My husband did want to leave morocco and did want a better life in the USA he always said this. His family are very nice and always accepted and been warm to me. If he used me he could have left long ago so I don't think he was unhappy with me exactly. My hunch is he is just very simple, this is all he wanted out of life and now he is content and his life for him is perfect. Unfortunatly for me even though I tried to find other hobbies and things to keep entertained I am still feeling alone and want more interaction from a spouse. I do think sometimes I may be making a mistake and what if I never find someone as easy going as him but than there is always a chance I may find someone both calm and fun too. I doing men of culture sadly I don't see many in my area but will see what life brings. Sami if what you say is true than I will find someone because I have a lot of good carma coming

[Sami0101010001 8]

I wish you a good luck from the bottom of my heart and let me tell you this: If your heart is clean and is full of love and you really want to be happy in life without hurting someone then You will find someone that will give you %100 and love you the why you want to be loved. I learned one thing in this life, if you do good thing to someone you will see the light in the end of a dark tunnel and you thank God that you still a life and looking forward to a great future ahead.