Older American woman Younger Algerian man

[Beauty for Ashes 257]

Are you seriously that insecure that you're discussing your looks? How is looking young or the perception of looking young relevant? It's actually laughable that you guys have to mention that you look young. Who really cares? Looking young and actually being young and therefore, legitimately looking young (not just thinking you look young)are two vastly different things.

This reminds me of the whole you must eat Oreos all day conversation. It also reminds me of Demi Moore posting bikini photos of herself online out of desperation and insecurity.

Agreed!

[Mithra 1,185]

The guy you congratulated on having a successful relationship has been in the US a month or so. Again, how is this a success? I don't read backwards. I keep reading how you're thinking a guy who has been here a month or so is a success because he managed to overcome a denial and get to the US. He successfully overcame a denial and gained entry to the US. He successfully put up with having to chat online and talk on the phone for a couple years. He hasn't been a success story in terms of May December MENA marriage, yet. You're not getting it. Plus you're very abrasive and insulting for no reason.

I, personally, did not say this woman's boyfriend is going to leave her for a younger woman. I don't that he will or won't. I'm not psychic. That is not the ONLY reason MENA marriages fail. You guys in the much older woman/younger man relationships get super defensive like everyone is out to get you. The advice about being careful becomes OMG he's totally going to leave you because you're old!!! You guys need to calm down.

Really, do you read backwards as well as it seems you've missed the entire thread of what I've been saying what is successful. Where have I said getting a visa is a sign of being successful? From what I've read above in your post, it's there after receiving the visa and living together is a sign of success. So marriage beforehand, living apart for years, spending years of online conversations night after night giving up your freedom so you can spend the evenings seeing the one you love is not making a successful marriage? It's takes two strong willing people to carry on this kind of relationship without literally going insane to stay committed and follow through after years of missing each other.

Getting the visa merely means now you can breath. Almost every person here that posted to the OP has said, THE MAN WILL LEAVE YOU FOR A YOUNGER WOMAN after a period of years basically.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Mithra

[Cathi 5,757]

I am not super defensive when it comes to our age difference, the only time I really give it a second thought is when I see threads like this. Any relationship takes work, a lot of work, no matter the difference in age, or any difference for that matter. The true test is after your fiancé/spouse arrives, the visa process is the easy part, trust me. I was married to my first husband for 20 years, and that marriage was a failure from day one. When I decided to marry again I did not take it lightly, I have 2 children from my first husband and their well being was and still is first and foremost, I wasnt going to bring a man into their lives if I didn't think it would work. My now husband comes from a family where the women wait on the men hand and foot, my husband is the one who waits on me hand and foot. He never had to lift a finger before he came here, not only do the women do everything there, his mom has a live in housekeeper and cook. Here here has learned to cook, helps with cleaning, does all the yard work, the list goes on. He has not once ever hesitated to help, nor has he ever complained. I work full time, mostly at night, he makes sure the kids are fed(and the dog), and makes sure homework gets done. This after he has worked a 10 or 12 hour day himself. He is far more mature and responsible than most men I know, and that is not being defensive, it's a fact. I could care less what anyone here says or thinks about my husband or our marriage, it's the real deal. I am happy to tell everyone we are happy., and I love him from the deepest depths of my heart, and I am positive he would say the same

[berber_wife 90]

My now husband comes from a family where the women wait on the men hand and foot, my husband is the one who waits on me hand and foot. He never had to lift a finger before he came here, not only do the women do everything there, his mom has a live in housekeeper and cook. Here here has learned to cook, helps with cleaning, does all the yard work, the list goes on. He has not once ever hesitated to help, nor has he ever complained. I work full time, mostly at night, he makes sure the kids are fed(and the dog), and makes sure homework gets done. This after he has worked a 10 or 12 hour day himself. He is far more mature and responsible than most men I know, and that is not being defensive, it's a fact. I could care less what anyone here says or thinks about my husband or our marriage, it's the real deal. I am happy to tell everyone we are happy., and I love him from the deepest depths of my heart, and I am positive he would say the same

How did you know he was going to be such a good partner? How did you keep faith that he would pick things up so easily once in the US and integrate so well into your life, your family's life and US culture? What made you sure that his intentions were good ones? I ask you these questions because I am honestly curious about other people's thought processes as they have moved forward with their relationship and the visa process and if they have been similar to mine.

As someone who is still somewhat of a "newbie" herself, I would love to see less vague ZOMG we're so love statements and less vague dire warnings and more about how the couples who have gone through the process and are happy, got from Point A to Point B. How did you determine that they were a good person, with good intentions, that you were compatible with? What did you do before your partner came here to prepare them, your relationship and if applicable, your kids, for the transition? What have you done after immigration to ensure that your relationship stays strong and healthy? And the reverse-if you didn't stay married, how did you go from happy to unhappy?

[JLSBMF 16]

Hey Jen wb! It is nice to be older and fabulously looking young isn't it?? My lamb tajine my husband cooked turned out amazing! Now watching a scarey movie... a new twist to Eid celebration. Lol

Did I mention I am a grandmother also :)

yes my baby girl turned 6 yesterday....

I cant wait to start cooking a Italian feast for my love's arrival in 39 days - he is a bit of tired of Middle Eastern food.

We are both total watch movie buffs - it never gets old being wrapped in his arms watching our favorites

I need some Lamb recipes - thats the one thing I dont know how to cook.

So many celebrations to come....

[Nasturtium 500]

How did you know he was going to be such a good partner? How did you keep faith that he would pick things up so easily once in the US and integrate so well into your life, your family's life and US culture? What made you sure that his intentions were good ones? I ask you these questions because I am honestly curious about other people's thought processes as they have moved forward with their relationship and the visa process and if they have been similar to mine.

As someone who is still somewhat of a "newbie" herself, I would love to see less vague ZOMG we're so love statements and less vague dire warnings and more about how the couples who have gone through the process and are happy, got from Point A to Point B. How did you determine that they were a good person, with good intentions, that you were compatible with? What did you do before your partner came here to prepare them, your relationship and if applicable, your kids, for the transition? What have you done after immigration to ensure that your relationship stays strong and healthy? And the reverse-if you didn't stay married, how did you go from happy to unhappy?

Hey! I can't answer for Mimo, but I can answer for myself if you're interested. I've been married almost 8 years now.

[berber_wife 90]

I'd love to hear it!

My questions weren't directed only at mimo. I just quoted her post because it was a good jumping-off point.

[SarAyouBliss 38]

Successful how? Because he got a visa? That's not successful. When he comes back here after he's got his citizenship and his finances in order and he's STILL with his 28 yr his senior wife, then I'll applaud his success.

Mithra, since i came in here i noticed that you can't be positive at all at MENA men who are getting to their US wives whether with or without age difference, and i know where you're coming from, i agree, it is a 3 decades between me & my wife, i took the risk in the first place to have her living with me in Morocco, that's how it started, i am not a desperate low life Moroccan guy to be seeking a one way ticket and i am not a toy boy as well, so if you witnessed certain walk-away stories those are particular and don't apply to everyone, try to find out the reason why those deceived US wives didn't join Visajourney.com before their hubbies left, at the same time, try to see that there are thousands with age difference happy together whether in the US or in MENA.

[Nasturtium 500]

I'd love to hear it!

My questions weren't directed only at mimo. I just quoted her post because it was a good jumping-off point.

1. How did you determine that they were a good person, with good intentions, that you were compatible with?

Well, my answers will be a bit vague, but hopefully I make it clear why. Obviously, since everyone is different there isn't going to be a one-size-fits-all kind of measure of a person. My husband and I knew people in common that we both attended school with/worked with separately in the two countries. So first, I figured he couldn't be too weird of a person if he had managed to keep a working relationship with my university as well as work at his university teaching. That was sort of my starting point. I asked around about him, and got fairly consistent answers. I worked with him for a while and saw how he treated other people-- including ones he seriously disliked. I asked a lot of questions of him. I talked to people I knew or met who were involved with Jordanians to try to learn more about the culture and what did and did not make sense. I looked for people who appeared to me to be stable, rational people-- even if they seemed acerbic.

Some of the stuff/most of the stuff we discussed were life goals, morals, values, and things like that. We spent a lot of time wrapped up on gobbledygook too, but most of our time was spent trying to determine if in the long run we shared the same vision of life and had the same standards. We also discussed kids, living in different countries, jobs, and things like that. Practical stuff. I wasted a lot of money calling him for the squishy stuff because I really missed him. if I could do it over again, like mithra said-- I would be less spastic and more controlled during the visa period. I'd be way less worried and more trying to save money.

I guess now is also as good of a time as any to say that there is no real assurance of any kind though that person X is being honest-- in the end, you have to kind of take it on faith to an extent. House says everybody lies.

2. What did you do before your partner came here to prepare them, your relationship and if applicable, your kids, for the transition?

Hmm. Well I bought a lot of practical things for him like socks and stuff. I squished my closet on to one side. Things like that. But I am assuming you mean not the basic stuff lol. So when I was in Jordan for a few months, if I noticed something that seemed different (for example paying the water bill) I just generally would comment on that. That wasn't really prep work though. I didn't prep him much I guess? I think we had covered a lot of cultural stuff in our initial talk about expectations and such. He just pretty much consulted me on whatever he encountered on his own. No horror stories, no weird cultural breakdowns.

At first he was nervous about the cats, but now they are inseparable. That's as close to kids as I get.

I think one of the biggest realizations he had was how much debt many Americans are in and how many Americans are making car and house payments or using credit cards. So that was something you may wish to address beforehand. At first he wasn't into using a credit card, but then he got over that when he realized we just paid it off every month. Some people mentioned having to try to explain the no floor drains stuff or how the roads aren't insane, but I never had those issues.

3. What have you done after immigration to ensure that your relationship stays strong and healthy?

It's the same as any other marriage. You spend time together, make sure you work out disagreements completely, and try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt especially if you're dealing with crossed cultural wires or lingual issues. We usually try to do something outside the house together at least once a week, even if it's just window shopping.

4. And the reverse-if you didn't stay married, how did you go from happy to unhappy?

(N/A- -still married )

[sandinista! 1,816]

I didn't have the opportunity to be in country for very long at all and get any data from acquaintances or co workers unfortunately. One thing that was important to me was getting my parents on board with the whole deal, and having them meet my husband and his family. They weren't all fluttery lovey dovey over him like I was, so their insight was a little more clear headed. All kinds of factors figured into me liking him ss a person, and that turning into him being somebody I loved, and then feeling that he could be someone I could raise my son with and want to have more children with, and all kinds of other life things, some really specific to us as a couple, others more universal. I liked him, my parents liked him, his parents liked us, etc. It's always a bit of a gamble, but everyone has different stakes, and consequences for taking that gamble. Sone bets are played really rashly, and that often ends badly, more often than when the same bets are played with more contemplation. I didn't even go to morocco until I'd been talking to and getting to know my husband for two years. We took it really, really slow.

[Nasturtium 500]

I think part of my judgment process too was finding out how he was within his own culture and if the things he told me were making sense. So doing my own research through various channels, I tried to determine some sets of social norms. I liked that he wasn't a candy-coater of things. So he would straight up be honest and say yes, our marriage is unacceptable and here is why. This would then be followed by ways to try to mitigate this. That's one example, and it sucked to hear things like that, but it also made me realize he was pretty honest overall.

We ended up getting married sooner than we planned, but that was because we were advised to do so by a lawyer I consulted. Now I know that was flat out wrong, but at the time I didn't know any better.

What Sandinista said above is important too-- I think it's nice to have the input of people who are important to you or who are at least reliable who are NOT fluttery over the person. In my case I had a set of coworkers and fellow students who could help somewhat, and in her case she relied on family input. That is a hard thing, though, for these international relationships and sometimes family doesn't cooperate. In that case it's like you have to do the best you can, and certainly going off characteristics, values, morals, and behaviors can help-- or at least are more helpful than thoughts of abs or international wang.

There isn't any kind of tests though or anything. you see that pop up here every once in a while-- people saying "Oh, a sure test is to say you want to live in his country." Umm ok, he can just lie and say he's cool with that? I never got how that was really a test of anything.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Before he got here!

We had lots of things lined up, and other things up in the air. He works at my family's business, and we discussed the pros and cons of that while we were waiting on visa stuff. Once he had his EAD, he had a job there. So far, it's working well. It was important to him and me both that he not arrive destitute. He had savings for while he waited for his EAD. If that's important to you guys, cool. If not, cool too. Understand, like Nasturtium mentioned, how he fits in with where he's from, and how you fit in that picture. No matter what, even though my husband and i are both Muslims, even though we both have similar thoughts and opinions on our religious practices, even though we both love milkshakes, but disagree on chocolate vs strawberry, and even though we grew up both loving Belle and Sebastian cartoons, it's still totally out of the norm that we're together. Culturally, some of the arrangements that come up amongst couples on vj can be really, really out of the norm. Some of that has to do with their individuality, and both sides are happy and comfortable. Other times one side or both sides are uncomfortable with the arrangement, or their partner's stance on something. It can sometimes be a really tricky to deal with combination of cultural and personal stuff. Knowing as much as you can about each others societal norms and your SOs place there can help with sorting them out sometimes.

Sorry for rambling.

[Nasturtium 500]

Oh yes! The job thing. So I got him a job at my work just before he came (obviously not officially, but I lined up the interview and everything). I asked around and tried to line up several possibilities, but in the end, that worked out the best. We could carpool and that helped us save up money to get a second car. He also brought some money with him. Not much, but it helped out for the first month.

When we were doing the me visiting thing, I would pay for plane tickets and any things I wanted to take home. He would pay for the rest. We sort of had a 50-50 deal worked out.

One thing he said to me that at first made me kind of miffed but later made he happy was that he married me not for love but for my character. I thought about it and in the end, that was a much more level-headed decision than my feelings of squishy ridiculous love. So I emphasize the whole character thing.

I think too that it is important to realize what are some of the core concerns and ideals of your spouse. People do change, but a lot of times people don't become unrecognizable. They are simply gradations of the person you met.

[berber_wife 90]

There isn't any kind of tests though or anything. you see that pop up here every once in a while-- people saying "Oh, a sure test is to say you want to live in his country." Umm ok, he can just lie and say he's cool with that? I never got how that was really a test of anything.

Not only that, it's incredibly manipulative. What if he prefers to live in his country? He'll get all excited that his fiancee/wife wants to too and then it's "whoops, just kidding!"

Younes and I have actually discussed living in Morocco, but I've always been honest that while I see many good points, I also have some major reservations. In fact, I try not to talk about it too much when I'm in one of my "screw America and her high cost of living and lack of vacation time and unhealthy food" moods because I don't want to get his hopes up about this being a sure thing.

[sandinista! 1,816]

Did I mention I am a grandmother also :)

yes my baby girl turned 6 yesterday....

I cant wait to start cooking a Italian feast for my love's arrival in 39 days - he is a bit of tired of Middle Eastern food.

We are both total watch movie buffs - it never gets old being wrapped in his arms watching our favorites

I need some Lamb recipes - thats the one thing I dont know how to cook.

So many celebrations to come....

Lots and lots of lamb recipes, compiled from over the years.

At one time, MENA even published a cookbook, lol.http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/37637-sultans-kitchen/

Edited October 17, 2013 by sandinista!