Funny Christmas Stuff

[Marilyn. 340]

*Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

*Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

*I know. I know. People say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

*Santa Claus sure is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

*Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."

*Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a clearance sale.

*Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

*Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

*Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

*Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

*Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

[Marilyn. 340]

7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas

1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.

3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."

5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.

7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:

'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop

All you get is the snowman's poop!'

I actually did #7, one year at Christmas and handed them out to all my friends... they thought it was the cutest thing...

Edited December 20, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

****************************************

Some Ways to Silly Up Christmas....

1. Forget the Santa Hat, Think Huge Christmas Tree Hat

Rather than wearing the stupid, little, flappy, red Santa cap with the little fur ball at the end that everyone else is wearing, put something with a bit more sparkle on your head.

Merchant says "You'll be the star this holiday with this CRAZY CHRISTMAS TREE HAT! Fully-decorated hat is 18" high! Stars and Ornaments blink on & off just like a real tree."

2. Forget Frosty the Snowman, Think Kiss My A$$ Elf

Instead of having all those blow up Christmas decorations of Frosty and Santa that on everyone's lawns, try putting this elf on your front lawn. Give the neighbors and people that drive by something to really talk about.

Merchant says "Half Mooning Elf -Santa's naughtier elf takes a break from the hustle and bustle at the North Pole to have a little fun at your house. Sculpted in plastic and finished with cute details for a whimsical holiday touch."Christmas Decoration

3. Forget the Pretty Dishes of Candy, Think Santa Doing the Poopy Dance

Rather than putting out pretty crystal dishes of stale candy or nuts for your guest, do something different and let Santa poop out the candy this year.

Merchant says "Poo Poo Novelty Santa Candy Dispenser - With our Poo Pooing Santa Claus, press down on the candy dispenser's head and watch Santa "poo-poo" the candies from his bottom!"Christmas Decoration

4. Forget the Real Live Tree Altogether, Think Christmas Tree Poster

Why, oh why, get a real tree when its creates a ton of work for yourself? You have to spend hours and hours setting up the tree and decorating it. And, then, only a few days later, your going to have spend more time taking the tree down. Avoid the hassle with a picture...a picture worth a thousand hours of free TV time.

Merchant says "The heart-warming image of a family decorating a Christmas tree is a festive classic: stockings hanging above the fireplace as mom and dad arrange the tinsel; faces lighting up as twinkling lights are draped across branches; holiday tunes playing on the radio as cockney street urchins throw snowballs outside...hang on, we're confusing our eras here....The point is this cozy cliché is a load of movie malarkey. Put simply, Christmas trees are a freakin' nightmare. It's a miracle if the lights work, there are needles and smashed balls all over the floor and you can never quite reach the fairy (insert your own joke here). And that's after you've nearly broken your back carrying the thing home."Christmas Decoration

[Marilyn. 340]

Re-translations Of Translations For The Holidays

This is what happens when you translate some Christmas carols into other languages, then back into English:

Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.

Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.

("Jingle Bells," translated into German and then back into English)

Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?

In the track the snow is shining.

A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,

Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.

("Winter Wonderland," Spanish)

Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul

With one was formed from a key corncob,

And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.

("Frosty the Snowman," German)

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,

And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.

("Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Italian)

You would improve the clock towards the outside,

You would improve not the shout,

You would improve not the codfish.

I is saying to him Papa Noel is coming to the city.

("Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," Spanish)

[Marilyn. 340]

Elf Pick-up Lines

*Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?

*We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle.

*Hey babe, I'm free on Christmas Eve.

*Not everything about me is tiny!

*I'm not Elmo, but don't stop tickling.

*Just because a guy wears tights and pointy slippers doesn't mean he's gay.

*I taught Santa everything he knows.

*I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.

*Nice view from down here!

*I used to be a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt.

*You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

*That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there.

*Why, yes, I AM George Stephanopoulos.

*I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

*I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight.

*I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.

*You know what they say about guys with big ears.

*I can get you off the naughty list!

[Marilyn. 340]

Christmas Card Oops!

Last Christmas, grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, "Buy your own present!" and mailed them early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had receiving very few cards in return.

Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.

[Marilyn. 340]

Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents

10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q- Tips".

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper.

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.

6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're Cheap!!!".

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay.

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam.

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- ####### `R' Us?"

[Marilyn. 340]

Rejected Christmas Movie Titles

15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"

14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"

13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"

12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"

11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"

10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"

9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"

8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"

7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")

6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My A$$ -- Pass the Malt Liquor"

5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"

4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"

2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"

1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'