Funny Christmas Stuff

[Marilyn. 340]

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[Addie_Goodvibes 0]

Politically Correct Version of 'The Night Before Christmas!'

A DIETER'S CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips

were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care

in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps

had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash

tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow

sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:

a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick

I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer,

I closed my eyes tightly, but still I could hear

On Pritzker, on Stillman, on Weak One, on TOPS,

a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall

now dash away pounds now dash away all.

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress

my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly

they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work

ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn,

I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry

if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night

in the morning I'll starve....'til I take that first bite!

Edited December 14, 2006 by Addie_Goodvibes

[Marilyn. 340]

Funny Christmas Signs

* Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

* Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

* Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

* At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

* A Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000."

* A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

* In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... A calendar to remind him when payments are due."

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At Grandma's

Two little boys went to their grandparents' place for Christmas. At bedtime, the youngest one began to pray at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...

I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...

I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

The older brother exclaimed, "Why are you shouting? Do you thing God is deaf." The little one promptly replied, "Nope! But Grandma certainly is!"

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[Marilyn. 340]

[Marilyn. 340]

[LuzyC 0]

[LuzyC 0]

[Ban Hammer 13,109]

christmas is cancelled.................

[LuzyC 0]

christmas is cancelled.................

[Marilyn. 340]

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Answer: Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?

Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?

Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?

Answer: Sandy Claws.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Answer: Frostbite.

[Marilyn. 340]

[Scott & Lai 12]

[ace13 0]

That is the funniest one

Edited December 19, 2006 by ace13

[Ban Hammer 13,109]

and here is almaty's idea of santa claus

Edited December 19, 2006 by charlesandnessa

[almaty 19]

and here is almaty's idea of santa claus

hot damn,. brother charles you are correct and a merry christmas to you and my fine sister nessa