Funny Christmas Stuff

[Marilyn. 340]

Why Markers Are Not A Good Christmas Gift...

How To Rob A Snowman....

I Told You There Was A Santa Claus...

Catching Snowflakes...

People With Big Feet...

The Schmitt House...

TV In The Snow...

Santa Delivers...

Yellow Snow...

Reindeer Brakes...

[Marilyn. 340]

New Bike...

Timmy Discovers There Is A Santa...

Santa's Accident...

[mybackpages 0]

[Savanphil 3]

:lol:

[almaty 19]

great stuff as always sister marilyn....lol

[MichelleandCraig 1]

:lol: Thanks Marilyn! M.

[Marilyn. 340]

Politically Correct Version of 'The Night Before Christmas!'

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves"

"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened"

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows

Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation

Demanding millions in over-due compensation

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife

Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz

Demanding from now on her title was Ms

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her

Nothing that might be construed to pollute

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise

Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific

Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific

No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth

Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was ecological

No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;

Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay

But you've got to be careful with that word today

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue

Everyone, everywhere ... even you

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth"

Edited December 12, 2006 by MarilynP

[Marilyn. 340]

TWENTY WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[Savanphil 3]

TWENTY WAYS TO CONFUSE SANTA CLAUS

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

:lol:

[Jasman0717 9]

:lol: :lol:

[Sonshyne 2]

[Marilyn. 340]

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[dp8255 0]

those that you posted are funny MarilynP

Here's something i found from Santa

Message from Santa:

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely

to see if you have been good this year

and since you have I will be telling my elves

to make some goodies for me to

leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all

gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,

but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have

all come down with VD from fiddling with

the 10 ladies dancing,

the 11 lords leaping have knocked up

the 8 maids a-milking, and the

9 piperspiping have been arrested

for doing weird things to the

7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying,

4 calling birds,

3 French hens,

2 turtle doves

and the partridge in a pear tree

have me up to my sled runners in bird ######.

On top of all this!

Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,

8 of my reindeer are in heat,

the elves have joined the gay liberation

and some people who can't read a calendar

have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able

to get my ###### together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest

you get your asses down to Walmart

before everything is gone.

Love, Santa.

[Marilyn. 340]

Winter Wonderland

The following is a comical version of the classic carol Winter Wonderland ....

Lacy things -- the wife is missin',

Didn't ask -- her permission,

I'm wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the store -- there's a teddy,

Little straps -- like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress -- like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

Lacy things... missin',

Didn't ask... permission,

Wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

[Marilyn. 340]