Trouble in the relationship

[Chrystal and Joe 0]

Hello all,

I haven't wrote in a while because Joe and I are having some major problems. Our petition was supposed to be approved back in August or September and was delayed. We found out that there was going to be additonal adjudication on our case and that it could take up to 6 months longer.

At that point we had been apart for 10 months and having a long distance relationship was really starting to cause trouble with us. The problems have now been going on for about 4 months and a lot of hard feelings have been built up because of them. Its hard to solve problems over the phone when you are not able to be there in person. I went to stay a while with him after Christmas and things would go well but when something ventured from perfect it turned into desaster. So I decided to come home again and we were going to work on ourselves and then try and get that warm fuzzy feeling back again. But 2 days after I got home in the middle of January, we received information that was supposed to be good news but instead was tiring....our K-1 petiton had been approved.

So, now we feel stuck. What should we do. I don't want to give up on this relationship but we both feel like we need more time.

Today I got thinking about our options. What if we were to go through with it and just go to the court house...its pretty much just a legal paper that we need for mariage....try not to think of it as marriage and try to live a normal life with a normal relationship like people who live in the same countries do. I could then get a job and gain my own dependence and if all is well then we can have our meaningful wedding at a later date.

My concern is what if it doesn't work out. What do we do then? What do I do then being that I'm from Canada and I'll be in the States? Do I have to file for a divorce or is this situation different? What paperwork is there?

Please if anyone could help me out that would be greatly appreciated. I really don't want our relationship to end right now but we dont' want to think of marriage yet even though I technically know that we have to.

Thanks!

Chrystal (Canadian)

[TracyTN 237]

I'm sorry to read this.

Personally, I would not proceed in marrying someone if I was this unsure about the relationship. I think that would do nothing but complicate your situation.

If it were me, I would have to seriously consider withdrawing the K1 petition for now and resubmitting again when and if you're sure about the relationship. Better that than putting the added pressure on yourselves to MAKE it work just because of immigration. Relationships are hard enough!

Long distance relationships aren't for everyone. Don't beat yourselves up if it isn't going to work for you.

[ceriserose 1]

If you are thinking that it's too soon, it's too soon. The paperwork side of your relationship shouldn't dictate your timing.

The financial cost of immigration is nothing compared to the emotional and physical cost of uprooting your life and starting over.

Let me put it this way...I'm madly in love with my husband and KNOW I made the right decision. The stress of the K1, the move, and now waiting for AOS have taken an additional toll on me and him in various ways...and if we weren't in it "together" that stress would be exponentially worse.

The worst thing to do is get into this if you're not sure. You can always re-apply for the K1 when you're certain.

Best of luck to you.

[j&js 0]

What would happen if you came over on the K1 and then decided? You have 90 days to get married, use the first 70 to figure out where you stand, get a quick wedding if all goes well to stay within the timeframe or if its not so good, leave without getting married?

I don't know if that is 100% legal though, because the intent to marry is only partially there when you cross the border, is partially there enough?.....I don't want to give you any advice that isn't legal but I don't see why that would be so bad as long as you actually left the US within 90 days if you decided you didn't want to go through with it.... Hopefully someone with more knowledge can post about that.....

[Peggy 1]

If you are wanting more time to build your relationship. Have you had your interview yet, or did you just get your NOA2 so far. If you are just at the point of NOA2, you still will probley have a few months before your interview. If you go to the interview and get your visa. You have another 6 months before it expires before you have to come to the US. Once you are here, you have another 90 days before you have to marry. So there is sometime yet before you even have to go to the US if your not sure about the whole marriage deal. So basically you have about 8 months counting getting the date for your interview and your visa expiring. Think about it hard and long. ALot of people have a really tuff time moving here and adjusting to being married and away from there family and friends. Good luck with what ever you decide.

[MaryandMian 1]

I think you should talk and if you both are unsettled then do not go any further at this time. You can always reapply later if that is what you wish to do. Long distance relationships are hard and marriage is very hard to begin with especially the first two years. So you need to go into this on a solid foundation. Good luck on whatever you decide.

Mary

[Chrystal and Joe 0]

Thanks for all your advice...I just hate living my life in limbo...I feel like I need a plan.

We really do love each other still so I find it hard to just give up on this relationship. We were in a long distance relationship for 4 months to start and it was working out great but Joe was still in Illinois so we were able to travel back and forth every couple of weekends. I then went to stay with him and was there for 4 months and things were going well. Then we moved down to Florida so we are no longer driving distance. We came back to Canada for the holidays at Christmas and I was denied entry back into the US so I had to stay in Canada. We decided we were going to go through the process a couple of months later and filed for K-1 and received our first NOA in May of 2005. After all the stress of everything and our process being delayed we didn't handle it well. I feel like our relationship just hasn't had a fair chance.

What are the proceedures if we were to get married and things didnt' work our for us? Does anybody know that?

[Peter Miami 0]

Hi Chrystal,

You guys need to talk about it and come to a decision but if you guys are not ready to get married. Take your time, if it is meant to be then re-do your petition.

Good luck,

Peter Miami

[Bosco 1]

Marriage is such a serious undertaking so I am hesistant to offer my opinion on your particular situation. However, I thought I would share my personal experience.

The time apart wore me down. I became numb and often questioned what I felt for my fiance. On one level I knew I still loved my fiance very much, but it almost seemed like that had happened in a different lifetime. It is hard to explain. I was sick of chatting, sick of bad phone connections, pretty much tired of the whole process, and there were times I seriously questioned what I was getting myself into. We both went through changes in our career situations during this time, and I went through a move. There were also some family issues. It was like real life got in the way and it was so hard to feel what I had felt before. I went ahead on faith... faith that it would be the way I knew it had been when we were together.

Now we are together. My life is happier than I ever even dreamed. I now cannot believe for a minute I questioned this relationship. I shared the doubts I had experienced with him after he was here a while, and ironically he had been feeling the same thing. We both are so thankful we went ahead. Neither one of us would know what we had lost if we had not gone ahead, but knowing how it is now......it is unimaginable.

Each person is different and some cope with time apart better than others. Some breeze through this process and some don't. Based on my personal experience, I would suggest absolutely finding a way to spend time together before you make any decisions. Maybe you can figure out if it really is the distance or a deeper problem in your relationship. Christmas could have gone awry because of all the expectations. If you are able to spend time together again and your relationship is still not where you want it to be, you will probably have your answer.

Rebecca

[tracyandoksana 0]

The K-1 visa is good for 6 months from issue date. Stay apart another 3 months if the warm fuzzy is there You still have the 90 day window. If it is not Stop the process. The 90 day window only starts once you come to the US.

Tracy

[Chrystal and Joe 0]

Thank you all...this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do...Its tearing me apart! I hope that we find a way to make it.

Hopefully I'll have better news next time I post. I talk to Joe tonight but I don't know what to say or how to go about the situation anymore. I just don't know what to do!!

I feel lost...

[*Robert* 2]

Thank you all...this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do...Its tearing me apart! I hope that we find a way to make it.

Hopefully I'll have better news next time I post. I talk to Joe tonight but I don't know what to say or how to go about the situation anymore. I just don't know what to do!!

I feel lost...

Sometimes it's best to go with "honesty is the best policy". Though it sounds simplistic and is often said, being honest with each other is always best. Just try to have as open and honest converstion that you can, and see if you can clear the air a little.

Good luck,

Robert

[Kajikit 65]

Your visa is NOT finalised yet sweety... you've still got somewhere between one and three or four months until you actually have it - the 'approval' was when they said 'okay, it looks okay on the US end, now we'll send it to the beneficiery's country and see if it's okay to actually give them the visa'.

Even once you have the visa in your hot little hand, you still have six months to decide whether or not to use it... and once you get to the US you have ninety days to get married. You don't have to rush into anything right away... if you come to the US and decide that it's not going to work out after all, all you have to do is to go home when the 90 days is up.

It sounds to me like the stress of the long-distance thing is really getting to you both, and you might be better off once it's all over and you're together 24/7... You've come this far, so you might as well actually get the visa, and you've still got time to 'work on yourselves' if you so choose.

[Cristy 4]

You still have time, I would not stop the process. I know how hard the distance can make things. It seems to compound everything and can really wear you down.

At the same time when you ask about what happens if the marriage does not work it is not a good way to go into it.

I would not get married if you are not totally sure.

[Sinergy 3]

I too know what you are going through. Me and my fiance have been apart now a full year. I would have been able to file for the petition sooner but some major problems came up and then i had a hard pregnancy and after that it was just He**. I am sick of the bad connection phone calls, the text messenging, and the online chats. I have also at times questioned all of this, but it was more about, will our relationship hold out until the visa is issued. I have the option of moving back to Romania to be with him, but i know it wouldnt be good to our 8 month old son. I dont feel its safe to take him overseas just yet. Me and my fiance argue so much now, it is because of the distance, and the stress over the visa, i know this. But we always find a way to resolve things, because we love eachother, and the only thing we want in this world is to be together as a family.

If you love him, give it time and resolve all of your issues. Alot of people are right when they say you have time until your visa is issued. If you really have hard doubts about your relationship, and i mean super hard doubts, then maybe marriage would only ruin the relationship. Its not healthy to go through with something you really are having doubts about just because the wait is almost over.

I wish you all of the luck, and remember your not alone out there. When your apart from your loved one, anything and everything can cause hard feelings, especially when you have to resolve them over the phone or chat. Its heartbreaking, but as long as you love the person, anything is worth being together, even this long drawn out visa wait, and the arguments and fights inbetween.