Tough life decision...

[rebeccajo 14]

I believe in true love. If a relationship or marriage "needs work", it's not a

relationship or marriage I'd want to have......

G'wan Mark. That's a bit starry-eyed, don't you think?

It is but I'm still relatively young. As people get older and have fewer choices

available to them, they tend to eventually settle for something less than perfect

and then scramble to "make it work".

Oh that's mean!! LOL Are you picking on me cause you know I'm 'mature'?

Actually it's the experience from my prior marriage that gives rise to my comment. There are times when it's work and it doesn't have to be because the relationship is upset. Extended unemployment. Illness. Trouble with children.

These things can cause 'work'.....

[CarolineM 0]

Relationships ARE work, and if you're not committed to the idea of that, as well as your partner, its easy to get swayed by a pretty face at the office who laughs at all your jokes.

You're brilliant!

[CarolineM 0]

Oh - and BEthanie - I totally agree with you on the accent thing. I swear to you women are SO flirty when they hear an accent!!

It makes me nuts

[MrsBruce5 0]

I am "relatively young" myself-but KNOW what it meant to make the commitment to my husband. I promised to be commited to making the partnership a good one. This takes work. It just doesn't happen on it's own.

Everything and anything worth doing in this lifetime takes work. Nothing is perfect, therfore it takes tending to.

There's a lot I could say here, but I think it's obvious to most of the people reading this.

[pj1959us 0]

I believe in true love. If a relationship or marriage "needs work", it's not a

relationship or marriage I'd want to have......

G'wan Mark. That's a bit starry-eyed, don't you think?

It is but I'm still relatively young. As people get older and have fewer choices

available to them, they tend to eventually settle for something less than perfect

and then scramble to "make it work".

Oh that's mean!! LOL Are you picking on me cause you know I'm 'mature'?

Actually it's the experience from my prior marriage that gives rise to my comment. There are times when it's work and it doesn't have to be because the relationship is upset. Extended unemployment. Illness. Trouble with children.

These things can cause 'work'.....

Yeah, luckily David and I are both old and ready for diapers and a drool cup.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Older here to and no relationship should be a (settled) for there are many many fish in the sea. None of us will ever know the complete truth here since we are not a part of their lives I believe he will in time know his own heart and right or wrong will take that chance, if you want it to work then you do everything possible until you can truthfully say you can do no more and even then go one more round, then have the peace of mind to know you tried.

[rebeccajo 14]

I believe in true love. If a relationship or marriage "needs work", it's not a

relationship or marriage I'd want to have......

G'wan Mark. That's a bit starry-eyed, don't you think?

It is but I'm still relatively young. As people get older and have fewer choices

available to them, they tend to eventually settle for something less than perfect

and then scramble to "make it work".

Oh that's mean!! LOL Are you picking on me cause you know I'm 'mature'?

Actually it's the experience from my prior marriage that gives rise to my comment. There are times when it's work and it doesn't have to be because the relationship is upset. Extended unemployment. Illness. Trouble with children.

These things can cause 'work'.....

Yeah, luckily David and I are both old and ready for diapers and a drool cup.

ROFLMAO!! Hey, we got Senior coffee at Hardee's the other day. I swear to God. When we looked at the bill that's what it said.

It was 35 cents a cup. I'm actually kinda liking it........

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Not seeing here where the OP is claiming his marriage is difficult. I read, some pretty thing has given him a winky wink and now he thinks he wants to live out his days with her. It would be different IMO if he told of a horrible marriage since arriving in the state.

[Girona40 0]

I believe in true love. If a relationship or marriage "needs work", it's not a

relationship or marriage I'd want to have......

G'wan Mark. That's a bit starry-eyed, don't you think?

It is but I'm still relatively young. As people get older and have fewer choices

available to them, they tend to eventually settle for something less than perfect

and then scramble to "make it work".

Oh that's mean!! LOL Are you picking on me cause you know I'm 'mature'?

Actually it's the experience from my prior marriage that gives rise to my comment. There are times when it's work and it doesn't have to be because the relationship is upset. Extended unemployment. Illness. Trouble with children.

These things can cause 'work'.....

Yeah, luckily David and I are both old and ready for diapers and a drool cup.

ROFLMAO!! Hey, we got Senior coffee at Hardee's the other day. I swear to God. When we looked at the bill that's what it said.

It was 35 cents a cup. I'm actually kinda liking it........

Becca, that is too funny! Hubby and I are about the same age as you and Wes and the other day I was "carded" in the supermarket because I had beer in with my groceries. I thought "#######!" and the guy said that it was policy to card everyone that looked under 35! I know he was playing with me - it actually made me feel worse, because it is the kind of thing you do to people who are in their 70's. You know the kinda thing "Noooo way! You don't look a day over 65!"

I will also mention that relationships that involve two people from different countries also has a bearing on how much "work" you put into it. There are so many things, so many differences that you just don't realise until you are together permanently, that can cause ripples that need to be straightened out. I think this guy is just too a little immature and doesn't realise that yet. It will come, eventually, but will it be too late. Will he lose the one thing that probably would have been the making of him? Who knows.

G.

[Chris-n-Veronica 0]

I'm not sure this has been said but....

Your decision to find this "other" happiness..is a conscience decision you make... You let it happen...you let her into your life..for one reason or another.. So what happen doesn't really include this outside person..It's really about your love or nonlove for your spouse.. It's about your relationship at home..

There are plenty of men who really love their wifes dearly..that work in places where there are plenty of women around..and trust me at least one is trying to flirt with them.. but because the really love their wives they brush it off.. keep themselve distance from those type of women..

The real problem is you and your relationship at home.. or you would never of let this other woman in.. And Buddy to be honest..do you really want a woman who would let a married man into her life.. I'm sure your not the first..nor will you be the last..because she has a character flaw...

And if you decide to do something and leave your wife... You better be right because you could be losing the best thing you've every found .... But of course you won't realize that until it's too late..

Think with the right head....

This is very hard to write - I still can't believe myself that this is happening, but I don't really know anyone offline bar my wife, and so I need to vent a little to let of steam, to ask for advice and everything else...

Here's the story...

I came over here last year on a K1 visa after a lengthy wait for paperwork - we were both very happy as it had been a long, drawn out and stressful struggle to get together, but finally we'd made it! Within a month of my arrival in the US we were married, and I applied for my green card. A few months later it arrived and I was a happy permanent resident (with conditions)

A short time after the GC, I got a job in which I'm very happy - things were perfect.

Now its started to go wrong (or right, depending on how you look at things)...

A woman started at work a few months back, and works with me on projects a lot. As co-workers we'd work together on projects, grab lunch together, etc, but nothing more, and certainly nothing more was ever intended.

I think you can guess where this is heading...

Now nothing HAS happened yet, but we've talked about our situation, our feelings and our attraction for each other, and how much hurt will be created if we were to go ahead and begin a relationship. Its totally crazy. But yet, I've never felt feelings like this with anyone, and I really want to continue - I'm certain this is the woman I'm meant to be with. She feels exactly the same way about me. I have my wife and her whole family who will be devastated if I were to leave - not just emotionally, but financially. She has two beautiful kids that are going to be hurt if this goes ahead and then falls apart. The risks are massive, and they just don't balance out... and yet when we're around each other in work it all disappears.

I never went looking for this. I never even saw it coming. I was happy. I AM happy. My wife is beautiful... we get on perfectly, we have a great home and a great life, but I just can't help feeling that no matter WHAT I thought in the past, that THIS is the real thing.

We haven't even begun any kind of relationship yet, and there's been no physical element at all, and just from talking and seeing how much we're clicking we're already discussing the what-ifs of kids in the future and my divorce etc etc. Its crazy - I know I sound like a teenager, but this whole thing is so real that its scary.

My wife relies on me for paying the bills, paying for her school etc and I know she'd be in financial trouble if I left, never mind the emotional turmoil that this thing would put her through. We've been through so much together, its nuts to even think that I'm considering leaving. (And if I did, I'd make sure she got everything in any kind of settlement - she is 100% an innocent party in this.) On the other hand, (and yes I know it sounds incredibly selfish) I do want what's best for me too, and I'd hate to go through life knowing that I turned my back on my soulmate.

Again, selfish though it sounds, I'm also worried about my lifting of conditions. What if I go ahead and leave my wife, and then my LOC is denied? On the other hand I know its totally unfair (and unlawful) for me to play happy marriage until conditions are lifted when in the background I have these feelings for this other lady.

I know that myself and everyone else on here has had so much trouble with immigration that its got to be annoying when someone comes on here talking the way I am, but I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody else to speak to, and the pressure is making my head spin.

I fully accept that some or many of you will think of me as being totally selfish, concerned only with my own happiness at the expense of everything else, and reading this over again, it certainly does seem that way. This time last month I would have said the same thing if I'd read someone's else with a story like this on here, but this whole thing has taken my breath away with how quickly its moved.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle it.

[mychelle 1]

to the OP: it seems like you're already in so deep with this woman from work...to the point of no return. you may not have done anything physical yet...but you're technically cheating on your wife already (if you ask me, that's the worst kind of cheating.)

i say tell your wife what's going on with you and let the chips fall where they may and good luck in your future "ventures".

[Yodrak 7]

ballsofclay,

Tough call. There's no better way to ruin a good fantasy than to make it real. You'd hate even more to go through life after learning that you had your soulmate and left her for what turned out to be not quite what you thought she was.

Don't know what the right decision is, but best wishes finding it.

Yodrak

..... I'd hate to go through life knowing that I turned my back on my soulmate.

......

[mawilson 2,133]

Oh that's mean!! LOL Are you picking on me cause you know I'm 'mature'?

Not at all, Rebecca -- we're all going to be there sooner or later, you know.

Life's so short, we are born and pass away like mayflies on a summer night.

But it's true that older people tend to be more pragmatic in their relationships

and less "starry-eyed".

Actually it's the experience from my prior marriage that gives rise to my comment. There are times when it's work and it doesn't have to be because the relationship is upset. Extended unemployment. Illness. Trouble with children.

These things can cause 'work'.....

Sure, I agree, these things can happen.

[KarenCee 3]

I disagree Mark. I'm one of those "older" ones and lemme tell ya...I didn't settle at all! Being older doesn't automatically mean one HAS to settle for anything or anyone. If things hadn't of felt right with Joel, I wouldn't be married to him now. We've actually had a few bumps along the way and we've handled them very maturely. I'm rather proud of it too. There is no perfect relationship...one that needs no work. Anything worth having is worth working for, yanno?

[mawilson 2,133]

I disagree Mark. I'm one of those "older" ones and lemme tell ya...I didn't settle at all! Being older doesn't automatically mean one HAS to settle for anything or anyone. If things hadn't of felt right with Joel, I wouldn't be married to him now. We've actually had a few bumps along the way and we've handled them very maturely. I'm rather proud of it too. There is no perfect relationship...one that needs no work. Anything worth having is worth working for, yanno?

Good for you, Karen!