Tough life decision...

[govols 0]

This is very hard to write - I still can't believe myself that this is happening, but I don't really know anyone offline bar my wife, and so I need to vent a little to let of steam, to ask for advice and everything else...

Here's the story...

I came over here last year on a K1 visa after a lengthy wait for paperwork - we were both very happy as it had been a long, drawn out and stressful struggle to get together, but finally we'd made it! Within a month of my arrival in the US we were married, and I applied for my green card. A few months later it arrived and I was a happy permanent resident (with conditions)

A short time after the GC, I got a job in which I'm very happy - things were perfect.

Now its started to go wrong (or right, depending on how you look at things)...

A woman started at work a few months back, and works with me on projects a lot. As co-workers we'd work together on projects, grab lunch together, etc, but nothing more, and certainly nothing more was ever intended.

I think you can guess where this is heading...

Now nothing HAS happened yet, but we've talked about our situation, our feelings and our attraction for each other, and how much hurt will be created if we were to go ahead and begin a relationship. Its totally crazy. But yet, I've never felt feelings like this with anyone, and I really want to continue - I'm certain this is the woman I'm meant to be with. She feels exactly the same way about me. I have my wife and her whole family who will be devastated if I were to leave - not just emotionally, but financially. She has two beautiful kids that are going to be hurt if this goes ahead and then falls apart. The risks are massive, and they just don't balance out... and yet when we're around each other in work it all disappears.

I never went looking for this. I never even saw it coming. I was happy. I AM happy. My wife is beautiful... we get on perfectly, we have a great home and a great life, but I just can't help feeling that no matter WHAT I thought in the past, that THIS is the real thing.

We haven't even begun any kind of relationship yet, and there's been no physical element at all, and just from talking and seeing how much we're clicking we're already discussing the what-ifs of kids in the future and my divorce etc etc. Its crazy - I know I sound like a teenager, but this whole thing is so real that its scary.

My wife relies on me for paying the bills, paying for her school etc and I know she'd be in financial trouble if I left, never mind the emotional turmoil that this thing would put her through. We've been through so much together, its nuts to even think that I'm considering leaving. (And if I did, I'd make sure she got everything in any kind of settlement - she is 100% an innocent party in this.) On the other hand, (and yes I know it sounds incredibly selfish) I do want what's best for me too, and I'd hate to go through life knowing that I turned my back on my soulmate.

Again, selfish though it sounds, I'm also worried about my lifting of conditions. What if I go ahead and leave my wife, and then my LOC is denied? On the other hand I know its totally unfair (and unlawful) for me to play happy marriage until conditions are lifted when in the background I have these feelings for this other lady.

I know that myself and everyone else on here has had so much trouble with immigration that its got to be annoying when someone comes on here talking the way I am, but I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody else to speak to, and the pressure is making my head spin.

I fully accept that some or many of you will think of me as being totally selfish, concerned only with my own happiness at the expense of everything else, and reading this over again, it certainly does seem that way. This time last month I would have said the same thing if I'd read someone's else with a story like this on here, but this whole thing has taken my breath away with how quickly its moved.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle it.

...okay...let me get this straight...you are coming to VJ to ask members here what you should do??? You are asking people who are spending ( or already have spent) time apart from the one they love and would love to have what you have already obtained (a green card).....

Honestly, what do you think they are going to say??????

I, personally, believe you are not thinking clearly. Reread what you have written and think long and hard about the consequences.

Did you not think that your wife was your "soulmate" too? Don't do something that you cannot undo.

Edited December 10, 2006 by govols

[pj1959us 0]

You're allowing yourself to get caught up in a fantasy and trying to make it a reality. If you were truly happy with your wife you wouldn't even be considering this as a possible path for you to take. You've already delved into conversations with this woman (about "what-ifs") that are totally inappropriate. If not brought to check NOW you will most assuredly be leaving your wife and finding yourself with this other woman.

Quit thinking with your little head and think with the big one for a bit. Quit this kind of contact with this other woman now. If you are truly happy with your wife then this won't be difficult. You should talk about this with your wife and get yourself into counselling right away if you find dealing with this situation in a mature manner impossible.

With the process of immigrating and ultimately moving here perhaps the reality of your married life's "excitement" has dwindled. Perhaps you should pay more attention to your marriage and sustain its life rather than putting so much energy into the fantasy of life in the other pasture. Put your energy into the relationship that you have already committed to.

Work-place romances are infamous and a dime a dozen. Believe me, this "excitement" with the other woman will dwindle just as your marriage's apparently has, once "reality" settles in with that relationship. Buck it up and keep it zipped up. Tell this other woman that you apologize for getting caught up in something you had no business doing and cease this behavior.

Either that or divorce your wife NOW and then pursue any relationship you might desire. What you are doing is so unfair to your wife that the more you put this off the more hurt she will be...and with good reason. You are playing with other people's lives that you have no right to.

Ask yourself just why you consider this other woman "THE ONE" and not your wife? The more you consider this other woman "the one" the less chance you have of continuing this marriage. Before you throw all this away be very sure of what you are doing. You're right...you are acting like a teenager and it is very unbecoming.

[Ta Ta 1]

There was an interesting article in National Geographic , Feb. 06 issue, about the similarities between the rush of 'falling in love' and mental illness.......the whole dopamine neurochemical scenario and how after that fades in everone the triggered

oxytocin settles the couple into the comfortable bonding phase of committment to make a life together.

You speak of 'never having FELT like this before' .....that's all it is ....a feeling that

will fade eventually and settle like all others, so why not guard your heart from temptation now and have a life with your wife.

There are a lot of people 'hooked' on the rush of 'falling' and seek this rush over and over again.........leave that to teenagers and do what is right as a man. You have been through too much with your wife and a month of infatuation with someone else doesn't even come close to it. Be strong !

[TracyTN 237]

You thought your wife was the love of your life, too, which suggests your skills in this area need sharpening. Thus, I would think long and hard about devestating your wife and looking like you were out for a green card - all for the new love of your life.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

Do you wife a favor... go to this other woman and have your fun.... you wife is the one who is at home making a life with you while you go looking for other woman.... you say you love your wife... how the hell can you love her when all the time you are thinking of being with this other woman.... belive me your wife is better off without a lying ####### for a husband....

Kez

[me_4_musa 1]

All I can think about is your wife. I'm sure she tells her friends and family how great things are going between you all and how much she adores you (since you mentioned you all are happy). The holidays are coming along and i'm sure she is looking for the perfect gift for her loving husband (you). She doesn't have a clue about how your feel, your discussing "what-ifs of kids in the future " with another women! What a shame. Do your wife a favor and leave her. Yes she will be devastated and feel used but she doesn't deserve to be stringed along. In her mind she probably has wonderful plans for the two of you in the future and your heart is somewhere else. Although i'm almost sure you won't leave her until your lifting conditions are complete.

Terrible just terrible to do to someone after she stood by and waited for you to arrive.

[daphne2109 0]

This is very hard to write - I still can't believe myself that this is happening, but I don't really know anyone offline bar my wife, and so I need to vent a little to let of steam, to ask for advice and everything else...

Here's the story...

I came over here last year on a K1 visa after a lengthy wait for paperwork - we were both very happy as it had been a long, drawn out and stressful struggle to get together, but finally we'd made it! Within a month of my arrival in the US we were married, and I applied for my green card. A few months later it arrived and I was a happy permanent resident (with conditions)

A short time after the GC, I got a job in which I'm very happy - things were perfect.

Now its started to go wrong (or right, depending on how you look at things)...

A woman started at work a few months back, and works with me on projects a lot. As co-workers we'd work together on projects, grab lunch together, etc, but nothing more, and certainly nothing more was ever intended.

I think you can guess where this is heading...

Now nothing HAS happened yet, but we've talked about our situation, our feelings and our attraction for each other, and how much hurt will be created if we were to go ahead and begin a relationship. Its totally crazy. But yet, I've never felt feelings like this with anyone, and I really want to continue - I'm certain this is the woman I'm meant to be with. She feels exactly the same way about me. I have my wife and her whole family who will be devastated if I were to leave - not just emotionally, but financially. She has two beautiful kids that are going to be hurt if this goes ahead and then falls apart. The risks are massive, and they just don't balance out... and yet when we're around each other in work it all disappears.

I never went looking for this. I never even saw it coming. I was happy. I AM happy. My wife is beautiful... we get on perfectly, we have a great home and a great life, but I just can't help feeling that no matter WHAT I thought in the past, that THIS is the real thing.

We haven't even begun any kind of relationship yet, and there's been no physical element at all, and just from talking and seeing how much we're clicking we're already discussing the what-ifs of kids in the future and my divorce etc etc. Its crazy - I know I sound like a teenager, but this whole thing is so real that its scary.

My wife relies on me for paying the bills, paying for her school etc and I know she'd be in financial trouble if I left, never mind the emotional turmoil that this thing would put her through. We've been through so much together, its nuts to even think that I'm considering leaving. (And if I did, I'd make sure she got everything in any kind of settlement - she is 100% an innocent party in this.) On the other hand, (and yes I know it sounds incredibly selfish) I do want what's best for me too, and I'd hate to go through life knowing that I turned my back on my soulmate.

Again, selfish though it sounds, I'm also worried about my lifting of conditions. What if I go ahead and leave my wife, and then my LOC is denied? On the other hand I know its totally unfair (and unlawful) for me to play happy marriage until conditions are lifted when in the background I have these feelings for this other lady.

I know that myself and everyone else on here has had so much trouble with immigration that its got to be annoying when someone comes on here talking the way I am, but I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody else to speak to, and the pressure is making my head spin.

I fully accept that some or many of you will think of me as being totally selfish, concerned only with my own happiness at the expense of everything else, and reading this over again, it certainly does seem that way. This time last month I would have said the same thing if I'd read someone's else with a story like this on here, but this whole thing has taken my breath away with how quickly its moved.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle it.

leave the place where you are working at the present so at elast you wont see her anymore, it is not worth it after all the process you have been through in order to stay here in US with your soulmate, or at least make an effort to work on your marriage.

I hope you stay with your wife. Good luck, you need it!!!!!

[KarenCee 3]

geez, what ARE you thinking with...certainly NOT your brain, more like your b*lls! your wife CERTAINLY didn't deserve this, gawd man..where is your repsect for the woman you SAY you love. sorry...if you came here looking for sympathy, you'll not get much. we're here because we want to be or are actually with the ones we really DO love. sorry to sound so judgmental, but when i think of how stressful this process is, and how long we are apart from our sweethearts, i wonder how YOU can even imagine that after a month you've met your soulmate - a very overused term these days anyway. you need

ETA: you just joined two days ago simply to ask a question like this????? unbelievable.....

Edited December 11, 2006 by KarenCee

[Moonie 0]

Scandalous...

[SoL. 0]

I have worked on office jobs for many years and have seen this situation way too many times before. "Perfect marriages" going down the drain because some sudden "love flash". Couples broken because office flirt and, the sad part? It doesn't last. When they share "real time" with this other "perfect soul" and start discovering that he/she was not perfect at all, then there's the regret and the guilt.

Think about it. I don't think this will last, you don't even know this woman. I believe it's the heat of the moment and a big office flirt. Plus, if she knows you are married, hey, she could do the same thing to you too! Remember, what goes around, comes around....

Please consider your options before getting blinded and doing something you'll regret. And the most importtant, please give your wife the respect that she deserves.

Good luck

edi

[everandel 0]

My advise, divorce your wife, go back to your country start the process with your new love of your life and see what's the result.

[Nancy2015 2]

This is very hard to write - I still can't believe myself that this is happening, but I don't really know anyone offline bar my wife, and so I need to vent a little to let of steam, to ask for advice and everything else...

Here's the story...

I came over here last year on a K1 visa after a lengthy wait for paperwork - we were both very happy as it had been a long, drawn out and stressful struggle to get together, but finally we'd made it! Within a month of my arrival in the US we were married, and I applied for my green card. A few months later it arrived and I was a happy permanent resident (with conditions)

A short time after the GC, I got a job in which I'm very happy - things were perfect.

Now its started to go wrong (or right, depending on how you look at things)...

A woman started at work a few months back, and works with me on projects a lot. As co-workers we'd work together on projects, grab lunch together, etc, but nothing more, and certainly nothing more was ever intended.

I think you can guess where this is heading...

Now nothing HAS happened yet, but we've talked about our situation, our feelings and our attraction for each other, and how much hurt will be created if we were to go ahead and begin a relationship. Its totally crazy. But yet, I've never felt feelings like this with anyone, and I really want to continue - I'm certain this is the woman I'm meant to be with. She feels exactly the same way about me. I have my wife and her whole family who will be devastated if I were to leave - not just emotionally, but financially. She has two beautiful kids that are going to be hurt if this goes ahead and then falls apart. The risks are massive, and they just don't balance out... and yet when we're around each other in work it all disappears.

I never went looking for this. I never even saw it coming. I was happy. I AM happy. My wife is beautiful... we get on perfectly, we have a great home and a great life, but I just can't help feeling that no matter WHAT I thought in the past, that THIS is the real thing.

We haven't even begun any kind of relationship yet, and there's been no physical element at all, and just from talking and seeing how much we're clicking we're already discussing the what-ifs of kids in the future and my divorce etc etc. Its crazy - I know I sound like a teenager, but this whole thing is so real that its scary.

My wife relies on me for paying the bills, paying for her school etc and I know she'd be in financial trouble if I left, never mind the emotional turmoil that this thing would put her through. We've been through so much together, its nuts to even think that I'm considering leaving. (And if I did, I'd make sure she got everything in any kind of settlement - she is 100% an innocent party in this.) On the other hand, (and yes I know it sounds incredibly selfish) I do want what's best for me too, and I'd hate to go through life knowing that I turned my back on my soulmate.

Again, selfish though it sounds, I'm also worried about my lifting of conditions. What if I go ahead and leave my wife, and then my LOC is denied? On the other hand I know its totally unfair (and unlawful) for me to play happy marriage until conditions are lifted when in the background I have these feelings for this other lady.

I know that myself and everyone else on here has had so much trouble with immigration that its got to be annoying when someone comes on here talking the way I am, but I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody else to speak to, and the pressure is making my head spin.

I fully accept that some or many of you will think of me as being totally selfish, concerned only with my own happiness at the expense of everything else, and reading this over again, it certainly does seem that way. This time last month I would have said the same thing if I'd read someone's else with a story like this on here, but this whole thing has taken my breath away with how quickly its moved.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle it.

My advice... Never EVER bring up anything like that on a public forum. Talk about these issues with your close friends who you can trust, not strangers. It's not a matter of public concern.

[Girona40 0]

What should you do? Well, that decision may be made for you by the USCIS when you come to file for Removal of Conditions.

Personally, having been at the receiving end of this kind of treatment, I think it is inexcusable and your wife deserves better.

[Alex+R 0]

You can't fall in love with another woman and be in love with your wife. You might have affection for her, but I don't think you love her romantically. Is this office prospect really just an outlet for your lack of interest in your wife?

Many people have basically insinuated that if you're married, you're therefore stuck with your wife. You're not, but your two options are a)work on falling in love again with your wife or b )throw in the towel.

Acting this way after only a month is rather ridiculous, IMO. If this had been going on a year, I'd suggest something different, but come on, who are you kidding? You really don't know this woman. This isn't love. The "butterflies" feeling does not mean she's the love of your life. Strange, I thought everyone learned that around 16...

[Welshcookie 17]

I was in a similar position as you 20 yrs ago.....what did I learn from it? well apart from the pain of hurting a wonderful man, losing my babies and home, I soon learnt that the feelings you have right now do not last forever and that whoever you are with real life soon kicks in.....marriage takes hard work AND commitment to make it work....I wish I had had a more mature attitude all those years ago.

Think long and hard before making this life changing (for everyone involved) decision.....