Tough life decision...

[ballsofclay 0]

This is very hard to write - I still can't believe myself that this is happening, but I don't really know anyone offline bar my wife, and so I need to vent a little to let of steam, to ask for advice and everything else...

Here's the story...

I came over here last year on a K1 visa after a lengthy wait for paperwork - we were both very happy as it had been a long, drawn out and stressful struggle to get together, but finally we'd made it! Within a month of my arrival in the US we were married, and I applied for my green card. A few months later it arrived and I was a happy permanent resident (with conditions)

A short time after the GC, I got a job in which I'm very happy - things were perfect.

Now its started to go wrong (or right, depending on how you look at things)...

A woman started at work a few months back, and works with me on projects a lot. As co-workers we'd work together on projects, grab lunch together, etc, but nothing more, and certainly nothing more was ever intended.

I think you can guess where this is heading...

Now nothing HAS happened yet, but we've talked about our situation, our feelings and our attraction for each other, and how much hurt will be created if we were to go ahead and begin a relationship. Its totally crazy. But yet, I've never felt feelings like this with anyone, and I really want to continue - I'm certain this is the woman I'm meant to be with. She feels exactly the same way about me. I have my wife and her whole family who will be devastated if I were to leave - not just emotionally, but financially. She has two beautiful kids that are going to be hurt if this goes ahead and then falls apart. The risks are massive, and they just don't balance out... and yet when we're around each other in work it all disappears.

I never went looking for this. I never even saw it coming. I was happy. I AM happy. My wife is beautiful... we get on perfectly, we have a great home and a great life, but I just can't help feeling that no matter WHAT I thought in the past, that THIS is the real thing.

We haven't even begun any kind of relationship yet, and there's been no physical element at all, and just from talking and seeing how much we're clicking we're already discussing the what-ifs of kids in the future and my divorce etc etc. Its crazy - I know I sound like a teenager, but this whole thing is so real that its scary.

My wife relies on me for paying the bills, paying for her school etc and I know she'd be in financial trouble if I left, never mind the emotional turmoil that this thing would put her through. We've been through so much together, its nuts to even think that I'm considering leaving. (And if I did, I'd make sure she got everything in any kind of settlement - she is 100% an innocent party in this.) On the other hand, (and yes I know it sounds incredibly selfish) I do want what's best for me too, and I'd hate to go through life knowing that I turned my back on my soulmate.

Again, selfish though it sounds, I'm also worried about my lifting of conditions. What if I go ahead and leave my wife, and then my LOC is denied? On the other hand I know its totally unfair (and unlawful) for me to play happy marriage until conditions are lifted when in the background I have these feelings for this other lady.

I know that myself and everyone else on here has had so much trouble with immigration that its got to be annoying when someone comes on here talking the way I am, but I don't have anywhere else to go, nobody else to speak to, and the pressure is making my head spin.

I fully accept that some or many of you will think of me as being totally selfish, concerned only with my own happiness at the expense of everything else, and reading this over again, it certainly does seem that way. This time last month I would have said the same thing if I'd read someone's else with a story like this on here, but this whole thing has taken my breath away with how quickly its moved.

I just don't know what to do or how to handle it.

[Carlawarla 1]

Do you just want a chance to vent? Would you like some advice? I really don't know what to say. I'm glad that you've not had any physical contact with this lady. You married your wife, for better, for worse. I'd say, it's worse right now...

You need to stop this fantasy talk with this co-worker, and get talking to your wife about going for counselling. Yes, telling her what's going on will hurt her, but can't compare to the hurt you'll cause your family if you just up and leave. If after some time counselling, the marriage is over, you'll both have to move on. WORK at this, as you've never worked at anything before. It's all that matters.

Carla

[kitkat1 5]

Do you just want a chance to vent? Would you like some advice? I really don't know what to say. I'm glad that you've not had any physical contact with this lady. You married your wife, for better, for worse. I'd say, it's worse right now...

You need to stop this fantasy talk with this co-worker, and get talking to your wife about going for counselling. Yes, telling her what's going on will hurt her, but can't compare to the hurt you'll cause your family if you just up and leave. If after some time counselling, the marriage is over, you'll both have to move on. WORK at this, as you've never worked at anything before. It's all that matters.

Carla

Great advice - I hope you follow it!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Grass is usually not greener on the other side!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mmb 0]

You need to break off contact with this woman at work, look for another job, then work on your marriage.

[PCKAA 0]

"I was happy. I AM happy. My wife is beautiful... we get on perfectly, we have a great home and a great life".

Then you are one of the lucky ones. I agree, the grass is NOT greener on the side, and unfortunately you have to make that mistake before you realise. You could stand to lose alot more than you *think* you can gain...

karma has a funny way of catching up with you.. I would be very careful..

I also feel very sorry for your wife. I would understand if you were unhappy in your relationship, but to me it sounds like wanting to have your cake and eat it. Life is just not like that....

Just my 2 pence worth...

[mercy 1]

Things out of our reach often seem better than they really are. It's very easy to have a perfect relationship with someone when the relationship is all in your mind: there are never any fights, they don't have any annoying traits, they really "get you". Of course that's going to seem better than anything you have in reality, it's better than anything you could actually have even with this woman. You should ask yourself how much of what you feel is reality and what is just fantasy, as you said, it's only been a month! Yes it's exciting and feels good, but you have a very real marriage that you need to consider. Imagine how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot, if your wife was doing this to you.

My very simple advice is this: you made a commitment to your wife--at one point I'm sure you felt about her exactly how you do this woman at work--and you owe it to her to try to make things work. I like the suggestion of counseling, for both of you, as well as being honest with her. You also need to cut this woman out of your life as much as possible. Tell her that you are a married man and begin to act like one. I understand you work with her, so deal with her only in a professional work environment. No more lunches, no talking about anything other than work. If need be, you should ask your supervisor not to assign you to projects together. You might find that some distance from this woman will clear things up.

Give your marriage a fair chance, you owe your wife at least this.

[Ta Ta 1]

What you are 'feeling' are the endorphines of 'falling in love', a chemical attraction that will fade away with time. It is addictive. Stay away from this woman. Seek counsel with a

spiritual clergy and professional therapist.

Break the habit of being around this woman and follow through on your vow.

Don't throw away your life with your family.....it is not worth it.

Explore what is lacking in your marriage and put the fire back into it instead of seeking it with others. It takes two to make this happen.

You have been blessed with a beautiful wife who stood by you through thick and thin.

Don't do it !!!

[Peggy 1]

How can everything be perfect at home if your thinking of another women that you just met at your job.

I would say that things cant be all that perfect or you wouldnt have put yourself in that situation.

Thats just MO.

[MrsBruce5 0]

Sweety,

I am usually more supportive in my postings, however-you've gotten under my skin a bit.

Yes, you're selfish, and quite immature.

Trust me, she and the kids will survive just fine after she gets over being fleeced for a GC.

You can call it what you want, and make up a song and dance to gain sympathy-but a snake is a snake.

You simply came here to see what angles could be used so you could have your cake and eat it too.

Karma has a way of biting us in the a** .

I just wish I was a fly on the wall to see it happen to people like you.

Rose Bruce

[ballsofclay 0]

Sweety,

I am usually more supportive in my postings, however-you've gotten under my skin a bit.

Yes, you're selfish, and quite immature.

Trust me, she and the kids will survive just fine after she gets over being fleeced for a GC.

You can call it what you want, and make up a song and dance to gain sympathy-but a snake is a snake.

You simply came here to see what angles could be used so you could have your cake and eat it too.

Karma has a way of biting us in the a** .

I just wish I was a fly on the wall to see it happen to people like you.

Rose Bruce

I was actually expecting this type of reply a lot more - thank you to Rose and to everyone else for their responses. Rose, not that I'm trying to start an argument here, but my wife and I don't have any kids (cue you saying 'lucky for her') - the kids in this situation belong to the woman at my job.

Its not a case of me trying to work any angles at all - having my cake and eating it too would be trying to carry on an affair while staying married, and that's not what I'm trying to do at all. Like I said in my original post, I didn't expect this to happen... I didn't go looking for it... for me, coming to the US and being with my wife has been my goal for the past 3 years of all this paperwork, headaches and stress...

I never EVER expected feelings like this, feelings I've NEVER had before in my life, to come from nowhere and even make me THINK about all this stuff.

I'm not looking for sympathy in this either. I certainly do realise everything that's hanging in the balance for everyone in my life.

Thank you again everyone for your input. I appreciate it.

[ajames79 0]

personally I think you need to follow through with what you commited to already.

Take your marriage seriously. You don't decide to marry someone until something better comes along.

Atleast that is how I feel.

I am sure your wife , ya know the woman you decided to move here for, will be fine in the end what ever you decide.

I still think it is a low blow especially if she is a good person.

edit...I thought the kids were hers..I fixed the statement

Edited December 10, 2006 by ajames79

[Aymerlu 3]

You waited so long to be together and a woman bats her lashes at you and "you've never felt like this before?" What about the feelings you had/have for your wife? A marriage is not easy and there will be tempations thrown out at you. If you really love your wife, I don't care who the person is.....you look away. Now I don't know this other woman so I don't want to sound overly judgemental, but this woman KNOWS YOU ARE MARRIED!!!! Hello? IMO, any woman that goes after a married woman has some issues of her own she needs to get right. She has no respect for you as a married man or for your wife. If you get right down to it, she has no respect for herself either since she's wanting to pursue this relationship with a married man. And who's to say she won't do the same thing to you if you decide to be with her? I'm sorry, men like you just get under my skin a bit. I had an ex like you once.....he thought grass was greener and thought he had met his dream woman after we married. Now I just sit back and laugh because he's divorced again and miserable. Not meaning to be rude, but I just had to say what was on my mind.

[rebeccajo 14]

.......This time last month I would have said the same thing if I'd read someone's else with a story like this on here, but this whole thing has taken my breath away with how quickly its moved.

A month?

Maybe you're having trouble getting your breath for a good reason.

[munchkins 0]

Good comments from Ms Bruce, Rebeccajo and what aymerlu says is so correct, this woman KNOWS that you are married and in my eyes she should just walk away and so should you. Let me put it this way, cheat on your wife and leave her to be with this woman who knows you are married and will you be able to trust each other, I very much doubt it.

When you married you took certain vows, to love, honour and cherish,TILL DEATH DO YOU PART. You are giving up at the first hurdle, maybe your wife would be better off without you, what will you do if you leave your wife for this other woman, and then Wow, next year someone else comes into your department and you start working on projects with her, same thing????? Grow up and start working on your marriage.