Does she still want me??

[PD is Current. 50]

Follow your instincts!

Save yourself years of drama and legal fees, dump her now!

[pinaywife1980 0]

Hi, I completely understand how you feel right now as that is one of our issues when me and my husband were just starting. Me and my husband lived together since we became a couple and way before we got married.

My husband had Filipina ex-fiancée before me and I have some low esteem issues, thus I have had trust issues, jealousy and all sorts, believe me I have put my husband through hell. I've got a wonderful husband who have continued to love me and support me all through those stages until the time I know I got nothing to be jealous or scared about.

In Filipino culture, we have what we call, "tampo" it's like we feel that you did something wrong but I'm not gonna tell you. It's that time when we tend to ignore you, like as if you're the worst person in the world. And mind you most of the time it's about something stupid and sometimes petty, like forgetting birthday, I remember I was too tough on hubby, I would make "tampo" when he is 5 minutes late!

Of course at the early stages, my husband didnt understand and was always stressed and frustrated and felt that I don't love him. One of his officemates educated him about tampo and then, we talked and made things clear and that we won't sleep unless we resolved whatever happened that day.

I mean, this may or may not be the same with your case but I think in any relationship, communications is important but patience is very important too. Try to talk, understand where she's coming from. Start by asking if you've done something wrong?

Also, it could be that she is also having a hard time adjusting to a new environment, away from her family and all that she has used to.

On sex, how about take a weekend get away, where you can both relax, get a bottle of wine, wih the right music, you know everything is possible.

You have been nurturing this relationship miles away and it is totally understandable that you would discovering new things about each other. Make it a happy discovery and don't stress yourself much.

[pinaywife1980 0]

And oh, did you check maybe she's pregnant? Early pregnancy could also cause what you've described.

[clairegie 265]

I don't think she's just after the immigration stuff, because if she was, she would just stay quiet and wait till they got married instead of possibly pissing her USC fiance off with her poking into his past. Something or someone triggered this on her, but we all agree that you should talk to her asap

[star64 2]

Don't give up on her. Maybe there are things you haven't been able to discuss before that she finds out while she's with you. She needs your attention... and introduce/ hang out together with your friends and your family. Let her feel how much you care for her. Even if you are doing that everyday continue doing it and pray. I'm getting cold feet too...and I am blessed because he'd never stop telling and showing how much he loves me. I am getting cold feet not because I don't want my fiancé anymore or not attracted to him. He is my world. I cant imagine my life without him. Hang on there. Keep the communication open between the two of you.

[Shiobhan 235]

Hmmm...Very savvy for a new comer,

quickly sit her down and talk to her

about the relationship, expectations

kids, goals etc. Do not mention the

immigration process. she may go fake-sweet

on you, but communicate.

when a female cuts off the nooky, (a)she has

proofs she's being cheated on, (b)she's just

not into you © someone maybe bad-mouthing

you to her), (d) She thought you were bringing

her into a better standard of living than you

now offer)(e) she has someone else there or met

here and wants out and lastly she may be investigating

how many ways to leave you, but stay in the us

including VAWA, if she truly acts repulse by you

do not go thru with the process.

No one here really knows whats up but take a

combination of advises and go with your heart.

[Leizz 1]

hi... You better hold the marriage until you both are very sure of it.. You wont wanna petition someone who will just divorce you few months later... You have to ask her direct-to-the-point; and if she is truthful then she will tell you all the reason why... goodluck!

[canuckbos 10]

Maybe she just "googled" your name and this old event popped up, she wasn't understanding what it was and woke you up to show you, not to accuse you. Also, she's most likely very homesick and may be a bit depressed. It's common with people who leave everything behind.

I think a good conversation and honesty would help you understand where her head is at right now.

She may need some understanding and your loving arms around her to let her know you stand by her while she adjusts.

Wishing you both all the best!

[Brit Abroad 166]

Marriage should be a lifelong commitment and it seems that neither of you are ready or happy to commence that. A fiancee visa is valid for a limited time and there's nothing to say it MUST result in a marriage. Send your fiancee home to have a think about what she really wants out of life and develop some better communication with you. If the relationship is meant to be you can always apply for another fiancee visa in the future, or get married abroad and apply for a spousal visa instead.

There's enough unhappy marriages out there, but you shouldn't start one in that state.

[bob.sansmal 14]

Sounds to me like there may just be some communication problems, made more complex by her being in a different, strange culture, away from her home, etc... You may be misunderstanding her questions as accusations and she may be misunderstanding some of your communication for deception.

Y'all have come this far, it would be almost as much of a shame to just quit as it would be to get into a bad marriage. I think marriage counseling, and soon, as in tomorrow. If she means enough to you to want to spend your life with her, then surely you two could give a trained counselor a try.

[islandgal 74]

It sounds like she is looking for an excuse to break up with you that can be your fault, not hers. Sounds like a typical story of someone who just wants to stay in the US, not have a relationship.

I agree

[slowlyman 118]

Plenty of advice here, and I don;t want to over simplify this, but we just went through a similar thing.

Plain and simple, she is homesick.

If she was scamming you for a green card she would need to wait for the green card before going crazy on you.

The solution for us was getting her involved with local Thais. Let her know others went through the same thoughts. Jin hit the wall about the two month mark. She was slowly coming to the realization the fantasy of life in America is much different then the reality. The streets are not lined with gold, and money does not fall from the sky every morning. We all get up and go to work everyday just to make ends meet.

Get her on Skype with her friends and family back home.

Talk, Talk, and Talk some more. If you get to the deadline for her visa, and you and she are still not comfortable, you have a decision to make.

[SDY 4]

Communication and prayer is you best bet. Pray together everyday and keep communication open. Disscuss your feelings for one another and express your love together all of the time. My fiancee' is the best! Though she has expressed her feelings of cold feet with questions of whether I am sure she is the one for me; I have reassured her that I love her unconditionally, and she has done the same for me. God is the center of our relationship and I hope he is in yours too. God bless and don't give up on her!

[Tebessa1111 16]

It is difficult to say what exactly is wrong as human psychology can be influenced by many things, but one thing is factually sure, something is wrong. All you have explained shows a huge red flag that your relationship is in trouble. The type of behavior she is exhibiting blatantly shows she does not trust you and is looking for reasons to back up her feelings. Why she doesn’t trust you or why she is looking for your bad deeds is anyone’s guess. She could have been unfaithful (normally the catalyst for diverting blame onto the one you betrayed), she could be scared about whom exactly she is now sharing her life with, she is in a foreign country and just changed everything in her life, cold feet etc…

Loss of intimacy is another huge red flag that your relationship is deteriorating. No matter the reasons for this behavior, it is clear there is a problem. As they say, true colors always shine through and maybe this is the type of person she is, which could be due to unhealthy relationships from the past. In any case, communication is the key and if healthy communication is lacking, you are in trouble. Even more so, a relationship is founded on trust and abandoned through mistrust. What you have described is not healthy behavior for anyone to have and the fact that you have turned to VJ for advice shows that it is out of your hands. There is only so much we can do for our adored partners. So what can you do?

Well, it is important to recognize that this behavior sets a dangerous precedence for acceptable behavior between partners during the life of the relationship. Does your family or your best friends have the right to look at your private diary without your permission? What you share about yourself should be consensual, not forced through devious digging. What you share about yourself should reflect respect for your partner and your relationship. We all have different opinions about what we have the “right” to know about a partner’s past in a relationship, it is up to you to deem what that is and share it acceptably. I’m an open book so I shared my past, good and bad, which wasn’t easy, but it reflects maturity and coming to terms with learning from mistakes, not repeating them. Since we all have different opinions about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship, I will defer to appropriateness between people, as that is pretty universal.

1. Respecting each other’s privacy. There are clear limits between information that is shared freely and information obtained through devious means with ill intentions. Does she have the right to know your past, sure, with your consent and your answers. Does she have the right to search through your personal information? Absolutely not. Just because you are in a relationship does not give her the right to invade your privacy and dig up dirt. What happened before your relationship should be off limits unless you believe it will impact your current relationship or you feel obligated to share it. It is not healthy to strip someone of their integrity because of mistakes in the past. I assume she would not share or allow you to uncover every detail before you were together. Again, unless there are some serious things from your past that would or could negatively impact your relationship, I say it is off limits unless there are things you want to share. That is common courtesy that is displayed in all healthy relationships formed on trust. Communicate your personal expectations (which should have been founded already) about this clearly. It is extremely important to establish clearly shared expectations in a relationship that both agree to and conform to. If you agree with this, that is the starting point for your next conversation. It is important to communicate that you feel personally violated and emotionally abused by this behavior and it is unacceptable. If she truly loves and respects you, she will understand this and come to terms with it, eventually. If she completely disregards how her actions impact your well being, it is obvious she doesn’t care

1. Loss of intimacy must be discussed immediately. This is the biggest red flag in a failing relationship and signifies that many aspects of your relationship, whether emotional or physical, are deteriorating and that leads to separation. You need to communicate how the lack of intimacy is affecting you emotionally, psychologically and physically. You should ask her what is wrong or what you are doing wrong in the relationship. I find starting with “what am I doing wrong?” is a good way to open up communication lines and begin sorting out how the other person feels about the relationship.

1. If you cannot establish a resolution to your current relational problems or agree on what is acceptable and healthy behavior while in the relationship, you should consider ending the relationship before your problems increase dramatically. If you are not comfortable with the communication you had or unsure about her intentions, it is important to convey those concerns as well. You can’t avoid these red flags or try to appease her by avoiding these difficult, but extremely important topics. Doing so would essentially end the relationship and establish unhealthy behaviors.

These are difficult conversations that must be presented as such, disclaiming that these conversations are necessary to ensure and establish a healthy relationship. Simply, you need to have these difficult conversations for the sake of your relationship. Approach with tact but understand we all react differently when confronted with uncomfortable discussions. It is far better to have them, argue and land at some understanding than to avoid them altogether. No one knows your relationship better than you, so it is up to you to figure out your approach and how to communicate. Always favor direct communication that honestly states how you feel and your concern for how she feels.

Lastly, it is obvious there are problems. With the information given, it seems to be on her end. Emotions can be paralyzing and confusing, especially when you leave your country and everything you’ve always known. Be understanding but gently demanding as well. Don’t let topics go unsaid because you don’t want her or yourself to feel “uncomfortable”. Don’t discount your intuition as mere worries. The best way we speak truth to ourselves is through intuition. You already know something is very wrong, now find out what it is. If you can’t, present the exit strategy and how you will go forward with ending the relationship. Better to be alone and healthy than stuck in an unhealthy relationship. We can have the best of intentions and sincere love for people, but we are in no way guaranteed they will give the same in return. Better to love yourself enough to recognize this and move on than to love her and abuse yourself emotionally and physically with this behavior.

Special note and matter-o-fact as well as opinion: American men/woman and foreign ones differ dramatically in some respects. Our American culture’s evolution has essentially created unisex partners in life. Of course, men still generally find it difficult listening and speaking in a relationship, but we have lost much that makes us… men. Same goes for the woman’s side of things. A man should make a woman feel like a woman and a woman should make a man feel like a man. Try asking just what that is in our GEN Y culture and you’ll see quickly that many don’t understand or misunderstand. If you look at the expectations of a man and woman 100 years ago and compare them to today, you can see what was lost. Of course, it is not the Wild West today and I’m not talking about roles or who does the dishes. Simply said, it is a man’s responsibility to lead the relationship on a healthy path, not mope around waiting for her to bring it up. (yes, I know, that is difficult in any relationship) That also means understanding women and conceding to the fact that we don’t understand many things, but try. It is the inevitable tug-o-war men and woman have for the life of the relationship, but a woman respects an understanding leader more than a disconnected follower. I’m not saying I understand the woman’s psyche well, I’m just speaking from experience with philosophy. This is a different topic altogether, but just wanted to add the side note because expectations in a relationship change in relation to the region on the globe you call home.

I hope you find a good resolution, no matter what that is. Look toward the future as things are now if they don’t change and decide if you can accept what you see. Best wishes for your relationship.

Wow, very impressive!!!!!!!!!!!

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I agree

It is very Filipino, especially if she came from the province. PTSD is common among immigrants. The way Filipinas often deal with stress is simply to shut down. Is she having nightmares?

Tampo has already been brought up by me and another poster. Tampo is often the only way a Filipina can show she feels dishonored. Unless the USC is intuitive enough to at least try and find a way for her to restore her honor in some way, withdrawal of all affection will not stop. If she still does all the things that need to be done, and gives you the hurt look every she sees you, it is tampo.

Combine that with homesickness, it can be difficult. Our first month together in the US was the worst. Things get better with time, as the wife learned how to adjust. Having Filipina friends and talking to other Filipinos helped.

Hey OP! Are you still around?