Cold Feet - Married a girl from China

[WhatSpoon 0]

Giving you the advise I would give my own sons

cancel the process now, One does not go into a

marriage with uncertainty,trust issues and it

seem there's no undying love going on here.

There was a bit of nostalgia and pressure that got

you into this marriage, financially its all on U

send a certified letter to uscis to stop the process

and sign nothing more.

You have to choose someone you are certain of so there

can be happiness , trust & genuine affection

Thanks so much for the replies. Many of your comments struck chords with me.

Jihana really hit the mark. Loneliness (my part), nostalgia, and feeling a high level of pressure once actually in China led to being married. Honestly, it felt like a self-arranged arranged marriage. Like... we don't necessarily have feelings right now, but we both have a good idea of what to expect in the future. I didn't even have a ring, or kneel, or really even ask her. I basically said something, and she responded something like, "It seems you already know the answer". A week later, we fly to her home town and sign papers. A week later, I go home.

The Skyping on weekdays at work was actually the first thing that really bothered me. I kept asking her hey... I'm not comfortable Skyping with you at work, there are all these interruptions, at least a few times you spent the whole time actually working. She was just basically saying no, every time. I'm doing this Sunday... or that... etc... Eventually, when I kept complaining and making a deal about it, she just boiled it down to the time difference makes it hard. She has to either stay up late or wake up too early and it stresses her out.

So, I just kinda gave it up and said ok... She goes into offices when we video chat now, so at least the quality of communication improved, but yeah... still at work. I can call her on the weekends, she always picks up. I always call about 11am+ (her time, lets her sleep in), no earlier, and typically not on her nights. Ironically, this also means that I am always on Skype at night (her daytime at work). So if anyone is under monitoring, it's me.

Perhaps the beginning of why I feel this way.

Part of me wants to go ahead. She's a pretty good match. Not my dream girl, but... maybe my dreams are just unrealistic. I think she's honest, I'm a good catch. I'm an american born chinese, I speak chinese, I'm only a few years older, I own a house and a business. Pragmatism. I also care about her, I like her, I find her attractive and she finds me attractive.

The other part is crazy freaked out. We jumped straight into marriage without a significant amount of time dating ( my last girlfriend I was with a year, in person, before I decided it wasn't going to work). No engagement, no dating, just whamo. Take a shot! If it doesn't work, you have a dependent! There are trust issues. There is uncertainty. There is a huge financial responsibility. There is a lack of a need to be married. I don't want to be alone any more, but I also don't even want kids in the next 5 years (neither does she). So... why? Why am I doing this?

[verysadguy 170]

We have adages, proverbs, and wise sayings for a reason.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea"

In China there are more than a billion of them.

Toss this smelly one back and fish for a new fresh one pronto before you lose heart, faith, dignity, and your bank account just to give one a green card.

NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jamericanlove 31]

She's a pretty good match. Not my dream girl, but... maybe my dreams are just unrealistic. We jumped straight into marriage without a significant amount of time dating .There are trust issues. There is uncertainty. There is a huge financial responsibility. There is a lack of a need to be married.

So... why? Why am I doing this?

This said it all really.

You're right....why are you doing this?

Sounds like your best bet is to file divorce, withdraw from the process and move on with your life. This is no way to begin forever. Do both of you a favour and end it before you get in too deep and it ends very badly.

All the best to you.

[john gibbs 17]

Thanks so much for the replies. Many of your comments struck chords with me.

Jihana really hit the mark. Loneliness (my part), nostalgia, and feeling a high level of pressure once actually in China led to being married. Honestly, it felt like a self-arranged arranged marriage. Like... we don't necessarily have feelings right now, but we both have a good idea of what to expect in the future. I didn't even have a ring, or kneel, or really even ask her. I basically said something, and she responded something like, "It seems you already know the answer". A week later, we fly to her home town and sign papers. A week later, I go home.

The Skyping on weekdays at work was actually the first thing that really bothered me. I kept asking her hey... I'm not comfortable Skyping with you at work, there are all these interruptions, at least a few times you spent the whole time actually working. She was just basically saying no, every time. I'm doing this Sunday... or that... etc... Eventually, when I kept complaining and making a deal about it, she just boiled it down to the time difference makes it hard. She has to either stay up late or wake up too early and it stresses her out.

So, I just kinda gave it up and said ok... She goes into offices when we video chat now, so at least the quality of communication improved, but yeah... still at work. I can call her on the weekends, she always picks up. I always call about 11am+ (her time, lets her sleep in), no earlier, and typically not on her nights. Ironically, this also means that I am always on Skype at night (her daytime at work). So if anyone is under monitoring, it's me.

Perhaps the beginning of why I feel this way.

Part of me wants to go ahead. She's a pretty good match. Not my dream girl, but... maybe my dreams are just unrealistic. I think she's honest, I'm a good catch. I'm an american born chinese, I speak chinese, I'm only a few years older, I own a house and a business. Pragmatism. I also care about her, I like her, I find her attractive and she finds me attractive.

The other part is crazy freaked out. We jumped straight into marriage without a significant amount of time dating ( my last girlfriend I was with a year, in person, before I decided it wasn't going to work). No engagement, no dating, just whamo. Take a shot! If it doesn't work, you have a dependent! There are trust issues. There is uncertainty. There is a huge financial responsibility. There is a lack of a need to be married. I don't want to be alone any more, but I also don't even want kids in the next 5 years (neither does she). So... why? Why am I doing this?

marriage can be a wonderful thing but you need to be committed to it.

its a lot of work to make a marriage work and a lot of sacrifices.

you have already got married.

if you want to get this anulled you need to do it ASAP.

anullments can be difficult to get.

but obviously there is something there or you wouldn't have gotten married.

with a real marriage after the first few years, the attraction side is much less important then the companionship side of the equation.

do you guys have common interests and enjoy doing enough things together to stay together.

there is nothing worse then a divorce though.

you need to make a decision asap and tell her.

its not fair to her or you.

you are either in it or you are not there is no middle ground here.

my 2 cents

[LBeachey 45]

Part of me wants to go ahead. She's a pretty good match. Not my dream girl, but... maybe my dreams are just unrealistic. I think she's honest, I'm a good catch. I'm an american born chinese, I speak chinese, I'm only a few years older, I own a house and a business. Pragmatism. I also care about her, I like her, I find her attractive and she finds me attractive.

This information changes my opinion from my previous post. There isn't as big of a cultural gap as it appeared. The one thing I would say in reading this thread is this appears to be as much about what you want as it is about what she has or has not done.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Operator 1,927]

I'm with LBeachey here, had no Idea you were ABC. Sounds like you have made up your mind and just need to go ahead and move on it.

[garfield529 47]

I agree with what some others have said, but also agree that while it may seem straightforward to generalize Chinese "behaviors" you really can not generally apply them. My wife (Chinese) only falls into the bin of respecting her parents in front of their face, but happily voices her opinions when they are not around. General respect, not control from afar. I find that Chinese women fall all along the spectrum of personalities and you have to choose if you want to conform to this relationship. While we do have some down days, I can honestly say that my marriage is easy because we both work at it and resolve our issues and build for our future...as a couple. I am fond of saying that nothing in life is set to a defined path, we have the choice to be content or to change and become something better. Good luck!