Cold Feet - Married a girl from China

[RandyW 149]

yip gotchya, but the real point is to provide the OP with the correct information.. speaking to a 134 when it is not used will only add to confusion aye??

The O.P.'s got a serious topic - I'm out of here.

[Pitaya 2,577]

~Moved from IR1/CR1 Process to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits Forum~

~Foreign spouse with "cold feet"~

[Carla V 43]

I noticed that she told you that she doesn't need another mother... for me is kind of rude of her since is not like you will see her when she come home at night, you are miles away, not knowing anything she could be doing during weekends... none of us can tell you for sure because we don't know her but at least for me is a red flag she can't be affectionate and open to increase the trust and love. In my case i was and am really blessed with a husband that could call me and be there for me to be able to have a healthy and tolerable long distance relationship. The other thing is that some girls still have an old fashion values and traditions that is really against with the fact of her traveling with a man when she is married or in any relationship.

I can just tell you that, for me, is a matter of trust that was broken and you should think deeply about your future and how much you really know her. Prayers for you

[verysadguy 170]

The I-130 is approved and yes I've signed the affidavit of support. The case is currently in the 3 month waiting time on the China side before being delivered to the embassy.

Honestly, she might love me. The problem is probably just me. Yes, I do think a candid chat is in order. Thank you for your comments.

"she was definitely in love with me"....bullcrap. Love and sex are easily faked.

Are you ready for love with restrictions and worries of this nature?

A candid chat? These conversations are often laced with lies.

I have one perfect piece of advice for you. Hire a private investigator in China and get facts; not hearsay, excuses, and tall tales.

"Run Forest Run"

[DvMan 49]

Trust your gut....it sounds shady to me...If she was in love with you, she would want you to come and to talk every day. I skype with my wife two times a day, EVERY day! And I am going to visit her for the 2nd time this year at the end of this month.

[Boggy1974 124]

Trust your guts!

[NikLR 13,231]

Trust your gut....it sounds shady to me...If she was in love with you, she would want you to come and to talk every day. I skype with my wife two times a day, EVERY day! And I am going to visit her for the 2nd time this year at the end of this month.

I pretty much lived on Skype with my husband. We slept with it on. If we were home, it was on. If we weren't at home, we were in communication.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Even if she loves you, if that is not the kind of love that works for you, her being distant and not wanting to talk to you, then maybe it's not a good fit. Talk to her about what she is feeling.

This is one of my pet peeves. I hate hearing cultural differences used to explain away bad behavior. Something called tempo, etc

Anyways OP needs to jump on the next available plane for a face to face. Time to take care of and resolve these sorts of issues is over there for a USC.

[Shiobhan 235]

Giving you the advise I would give my own sons

cancel the process now, One does not go into a

marriage with uncertainty,trust issues and it

seem there's no undying love going on here.

There was a bit of nostalgia and pressure that got

you into this marriage, financially its all on U

send a certified letter to uscis to stop the process

and sign nothing more.

You have to choose someone you are certain of so there

can be happiness , trust & genuine affection

Edited September 7, 2013 by Jihana

[LBeachey 45]

So I got married last year - basically a very rushed marriage. We dated for about 4 months years back and suddenly decided to renew things. Next thing I know, I'm in China, my parents meet her parents and suddenly we're married.

We're pretty far along in the visa process and suddenly I have cold feet.

I don't think I trust her. Every time I've asked if she'd like me to come visit her, or to at least plan to attend her interview, the answer is basically no... let's not waste the money. She doesn't seem to have any interest in having me come to see her. We also only skype during her work hours. Never on the weekend. She doesn't seem to think of me at all on the weekend. If we talk, it's because I initiated. Makes me feel like I'm associated with work.

When we first met years ago, she was definitely in love with me. Very affectionate, and I knew that her whole heart was in it. This time around, well, we just haven't had time together.

She's got a friend, a male friend, that she hangs out with sometimes. She actually took a vacation, saying that her friend is there and can show her around. One day train ride, two days there, one day train ride back. Pretty clearly she's there to see him. I think she made a mistake telling me he was going to be there, because after dropping that on me she didn't mention it at all. She's fully capable of lying to do what she wants, hiding secrets.

I don't think anything is actually going on, more than likely it's just a last visit with a friend before finishing the visa and leaving China. She also has planned a similar last visit to a female best friend. I guess it's my own uncertainty, or my lack of trust in her that is steering me towards putting a stop to this. I didn't tell her my feelings because she hates being controlled, she doesn't need a second mother (her words). Her mother doesn't know about this trip.

Whether or not I put a stop to it, this is only one side of the story, so ultimately any advice anyone gives is going to be negative. No need to ask for advice on that, I'll just have to make up my mind.

My questions:

1. I assume pre-interview I can easily put a stop to the whole immigration process. Correct?

2. What are the divorce ramifications? We have no property in common, never lived together. We only had a few weeks together last year when we got married (in China). I'm a U.S. citizen.

Long distance relationships are difficult and throw in the cultural differences and it is even harder, based upon my living in China and being married to a Chinese woman, these are thoughts I have though I don't pretend to be an expert on Chinese women.

How familiar are you with Chinese culture?

A resistance to spending money is very typical of a Chinese woman so her telling you not to spend money to come see her isn't necessarily a lack of interest. If it is in your means I would think going to see her before you make a final decision would be wise. On the other hand, getting divorced right now would cause her to lose face to her family so she may feel the need to go through with it (not that this is a concern of yours). I would agree with your assessment that her friendship with another guy isn't necessarily something to be concerned with.

Good Luck.

[K and P 0]

So I got married last year - basically a very rushed marriage. We dated for about 4 months years back and suddenly decided to renew things. Next thing I know, I'm in China, my parents meet her parents and suddenly we're married.

We're pretty far along in the visa process and suddenly I have cold feet.

I don't think I trust her. Every time I've asked if she'd like me to come visit her, or to at least plan to attend her interview, the answer is basically no... let's not waste the money. She doesn't seem to have any interest in having me come to see her. We also only skype during her work hours. Never on the weekend. She doesn't seem to think of me at all on the weekend. If we talk, it's because I initiated. Makes me feel like I'm associated with work.

When we first met years ago, she was definitely in love with me. Very affectionate, and I knew that her whole heart was in it. This time around, well, we just haven't had time together.

She's got a friend, a male friend, that she hangs out with sometimes. She actually took a vacation, saying that her friend is there and can show her around. One day train ride, two days there, one day train ride back. Pretty clearly she's there to see him. I think she made a mistake telling me he was going to be there, because after dropping that on me she didn't mention it at all. She's fully capable of lying to do what she wants, hiding secrets.

I don't think anything is actually going on, more than likely it's just a last visit with a friend before finishing the visa and leaving China. She also has planned a similar last visit to a female best friend. I guess it's my own uncertainty, or my lack of trust in her that is steering me towards putting a stop to this. I didn't tell her my feelings because she hates being controlled, she doesn't need a second mother (her words). Her mother doesn't know about this trip.

Whether or not I put a stop to it, this is only one side of the story, so ultimately any advice anyone gives is going to be negative. No need to ask for advice on that, I'll just have to make up my mind.

My questions:

1. I assume pre-interview I can easily put a stop to the whole immigration process. Correct?

2. What are the divorce ramifications? We have no property in common, never lived together. We only had a few weeks together last year when we got married (in China). I'm a U.S. citizen.

[K and P 0]

Hi there!

First of all, so sorry for your doubt and confusion, I don't think I could get through this process if I wasn't positive my husband was totally committed to and in love with me. There are a few warning bells that go off when I read your message. First of all, it is strange that she only talks to you at work. Why not at the weekend? Your free time should be spent together. You are her husband, her life partner, while is she relegating you to the weekday? It seems as though maybe she is hiding something if she isn't letting you in to her private life. Also, you seem afraid to be able to talk to her about your very valid concerns, the fear of her "being controlled" is preventing you from being open about your relationship. You have every right to talk to her about these issues and have these concerns. It seems to be that the ball is mostly in her court right now and that you aren't quite getting your needs met. I would try to have a candid conversation as others of recommended and utilize these three months to see if you want to continue with this or not. You can get a divorce at any time and that will completely revoke her green card status. Good luck!

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

As a woman the "no talking on weekends" is strange and it would be a definite deal breaker for me. There is no excuse or valid reason

not to skype on weekends, at the very least on some sporadic weekends.

Does she accepts calls on weekends ? At any time day or night ? If not, big red flag.

Perhaps a "surprise visit" would give you clarification before the interview. Spending face to face time will help and getting that reassurance

is not a waste of money.

If my man would be galavalenting around the country with a female friend on vacation I would be gone in a split second.

Oh hell no ! Does that not cost as much money as you spending money on the trip over to be at her interview ?

People have different levels of tolerance and you need to get the clarification on what to do so do it, it is not controlling like a second

mother as she claims, it is what you must do for yourself. It is about both of you, not just her. Make your needs known and do not settle for less

or else you are setting a precedent of what she may pull here.

Face to face time will reveal more than an online candid talk and her body language and warmth or icy cold behavior will give you the answers

you need. It can be faked but if you know her well you can see subtle clues of a pattern change.

Having said that I would not cancel the petition unless I was absolutely sure she is not the one for you.

People have done it and then later regret it and have to start over.

If her interview is soon then perhaps you can tell her to postpone it for a couple of months to give you more time and see how she reacts.

If you are fed up then tell her. Point blank and do not sugar coat it.

[Jawaree 718]

Dude

Quit trying to convince yourself she loves U

Ask yourself whats up on wkends, love talks, phone games, talks about when U get together?

She don't want U to visit.

U not certain U can trust her

There R telling signs this was a rush marriage ( could be for immigration benefits)

U will be stuck in I 864

I say cancel the petition B4 she does interview & let no one tal U into going ahead with this

[InHisTime 110]

Giving you the advise I would give my own sons

cancel the process now, One does not go into a

marriage with uncertainty,trust issues and it

seem there's no undying love going on here.

There was a bit of nostalgia and pressure that got

you into this marriage, financially its all on U

send a certified letter to uscis to stop the process

and sign nothing more.

You have to choose someone you are certain of so there

can be happiness , trust & genuine affection

OP, I hope you listen to your gut... above is a very good suggestion. Trust is very important, when you have it, sky is the limit. Something is happening not right, so slow down...and know it very well, before you proceed. May God bless and guide you in your decision. Be strong to face reality. You will be fine in the end.