being cheated

[Smoochies2011 19]

hi what I think your friend should do is leave that man, honey USCIS will take her case very suspicious if she decides to stay believe me she wont even have a chance to stay ! I think she should go back to her country since she is only in america to be with her husband and not because she wants to be there u know what I mean.

and no she cant forgive him he is to much of an as... to pay for a green card then cheat on his wife wat dumbss just as an advice the best thing you should do as her friend is support her and dont let her go back with that guy.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Okay, I'm gonna play devils advocate. Are you sure your "friend" is telling you the truth and nothing but the truth? It could be a cultural difference here. In the US most everyone I know that is married co-mingles their finances. That is to say both husband and wife have their paychecks depositied into a joint checking accoint. This is what the US government wants to see in fact. I have heard about spouses from abroad wanting to work and having "their own money" so they can send it home to their country. So where is "my own money"? My entire paycheck goes into the joint checking account. All the bills are paid by my income. So what ever happened to the co-mingaling of funds? Is this fair? Of course I do help my wife's family by sending them a monthly allowance but should we not do that together, as a couple? And as a matter of fact how did they survive before this foreignor married their daughter? Just saying, it works both ways, does it not?

Aloha Ke Akua

[Hollyday 122]

Okay, I'm gonna play devils advocate. Are you sure your "friend" is telling you the truth and nothing but the truth? It could be a cultural difference here. In the US most everyone I know that is married co-mingles their finances. That is to say both husband and wife have their paychecks depositied into a joint checking accoint. This is what the US government wants to see in fact. I have heard about spouses from abroad wanting to work and having "their own money" so they can send it home to their country. So where is "my own money"? My entire paycheck goes into the joint checking account. All the bills are paid by my income. So what ever happened to the co-mingaling of funds? Is this fair? Of course I do help my wife's family by sending them a monthly allowance but should we not do that together, as a couple? And as a matter of fact how did they survive before this foreignor married their daughter? Just saying, it works both ways, does it not?

Aloha Ke Akua

From what the OP is saying, the husband was the first person not wanting to do any co-mingling of financial resources. I quote:

"the husband knows that she has to support her grandma and the guy promise that he will help to support...

the guy make her sign a pre-nup which is she dont hesitate to sign as she never meant to marry him for his money, months after and so, things make complicated as the wife ask her husband if they can send some money to granny and the guy is not happy about it and now starting counting the money he spent for her...

the wife wanted to work as her husband dont want to help her support the granny, husband gets mad and dont want her to work,he told her that your job is to take care of my child.the wife gets worry as her granny is very old and cant work anymore, then finally the husband let her work as part time only but he wants to take her pay as he said he need to track how much she make or where she spent her income but in the first place she is not on his bank account or any other property as he dont want her to have any acess for what he has and dont give her any dime as the husband said she dont need it."

Does it look like he wants to have a joint budget or like he wants to have his money and hers too and not let her in on anything? I think if it was actually a joint budget it'd actually be much easier for her. And he should'n've promised to help if he didn't intend to.

It really looks like emotional violence to me. He is turning her into a slave, which is especially easy since she is in a foreign country with no family in it. Like some other people said on this thread - looks like he was looking for a housekeeper (and a cheap one), not a wife.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

From what the OP is saying, the husband was the first person not wanting to do any co-mingling of financial resources. I quote:

"the husband knows that she has to support her grandma and the guy promise that he will help to support...

the guy make her sign a pre-nup which is she dont hesitate to sign as she never meant to marry him for his money, months after and so, things make complicated as the wife ask her husband if they can send some money to granny and the guy is not happy about it and now starting counting the money he spent for her...

the wife wanted to work as her husband dont want to help her support the granny, husband gets mad and dont want her to work,he told her that your job is to take care of my child.the wife gets worry as her granny is very old and cant work anymore, then finally the husband let her work as part time only but he wants to take her pay as he said he need to track how much she make or where she spent her income but in the first place she is not on his bank account or any other property as he dont want her to have any acess for what he has and dont give her any dime as the husband said she dont need it."

Does it look like he wants to have a joint budget or like he wants to have his money and hers too and not let her in on anything? I think if it was actually a joint budget it'd actually be much easier for her. And he should'n've promised to help if he didn't intend to.

It really looks like emotional violence to me. He is turning her into a slave, which is especially easy since she is in a foreign country with no family in it. Like some other people said on this thread - looks like he was looking for a housekeeper (and a cheap one), not a wife.

Hollyday,

You have totally misinterpreted what I said. I NEVER said that "HE" wanted to co-mingle funds. And yes it is possible that he made promises and is not keeping those promises but it is also possible that she has made promises also and she is not keeping hers. I have heard about many imigrants coming to the US to be married and then wanting to work and keep ALL OF THEIR INCOME TO THEMSELVES, whether to send home to their family or simply to save for themselves...that is not co-mingling and if I were the husband I would have to point out that as a married couple we share our money. (co-mingle)

And by the way "EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE"?? Just what does that mean?

"HE IS TURNING HER INTO A SLAVE." Can we assume this at this point??

"HE" was looking for a housekeeper. It looks like this MAN must be guilty because after all he IS A MAN. We all know that femlaes NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG and they NEVER BREAK PROMISES. Right?

Oh and this despicible "MAN" wants to "TAKE HER PAY". Could it be that she promised to help with expenses as most good wives do??? Perhaps is she worked and made money he could "CO-MINGLE" their funds by depositing the money in the bank and paying bills????? hahahaha

Aloha Ke Akua

[Hollyday 122]

Hollyday,

You have totally misinterpreted what I said. I NEVER said that "HE" wanted to co-mingle funds. And yes it is possible that he made promises and is not keeping those promises but it is also possible that she has made promises also and she is not keeping hers. I have heard about many imigrants coming to the US to be married and then wanting to work and keep ALL OF THEIR INCOME TO THEMSELVES, whether to send home to their family or simply to save for themselves...that is not co-mingling and if I were the husband I would have to point out that as a married couple we share our money. (co-mingle)

And by the way "EMOTIONAL VIOLENCE"?? Just what does that mean?

"HE IS TURNING HER INTO A SLAVE." Can we assume this at this point??

"HE" was looking for a housekeeper. It looks like this MAN must be guilty because after all he IS A MAN. We all know that femlaes NEVER DO ANYTHING WRONG and they NEVER BREAK PROMISES. Right?

Oh and this despicible "MAN" wants to "TAKE HER PAY". Could it be that she promised to help with expenses as most good wives do??? Perhaps is she worked and made money he could "CO-MINGLE" their funds by depositing the money in the bank and paying bills????? hahahaha

Aloha Ke Akua

Oh we do break promises and do things wrong. But we were discussing a particular case here. If he doesn't give her any money, doesn't want to let her work, doesn't keep HIS promises, only wants her to stay at home and take care of his child and be under his total control (which is what lack of any money leads to) - what should this be called in your opinion?

You must've missed that a big part of my post was actually a quote from the original post with some bold formatting from me.

And to the abuse part - domestic violence can take the form of 'controlling', which in this case is economic abuse. Another quote "In its extreme (and usual) form, this involves putting the victim on a strict "allowance," withholding money at will and forcing the victim to beg for the money until the abuser gives the victim some money. It is common for the victim to receive less money as the abuse continues. This also includes (but is not limited to) preventing the victim from finishing education or obtaining employment, or intentionally squandering or misusing communal resources". Does it sound just a little bit familiar?

Edited September 9, 2013 by Hollyday

[Bless 1]

hi what I think your friend should do is leave that man, honey USCIS will take her case very suspicious if she decides to stay believe me she wont even have a chance to stay ! I think she should go back to her country since she is only in america to be with her husband and not because she wants to be there u know what I mean.

and no she cant forgive him he is to much of an as... to pay for a green card then cheat on his wife wat dumbss just as an advice the best thing you should do as her friend is support her and dont let her go back with that guy.

she got to print out the conversation of her husband and the girl with nasty msgs on each other that is supposed to be a wife and husband thing.i read everything and even the guy accepted that he was wrong of taking that girls fantasy talking about the other girl. And sorry to the wife and not do it again and that he need her as he cant take care of his adopted son well and that he loves her very much . the guy even telling the other girl about what happen between him and his wife behind the close door and this is so ridiculous. if he love his wife as what he said he shouldn't tell anybody that your wife is not good in sex.. i feel so bad and i think the wife is wanting to go back to her country as soon as she can save enough money to buy the ticket back home. thanks for reply.

thats what me and my spouse think she only be here to be a live in nanny and a toy for him to play with.

From what the OP is saying, the husband was the first person not wanting to do any co-mingling of financial resources. I quote:

"the husband knows that she has to support her grandma and the guy promise that he will help to support...

the guy make her sign a pre-nup which is she dont hesitate to sign as she never meant to marry him for his money, months after and so, things make complicated as the wife ask her husband if they can send some money to granny and the guy is not happy about it and now starting counting the money he spent for her...

the wife wanted to work as her husband dont want to help her support the granny, husband gets mad and dont want her to work,he told her that your job is to take care of my child.the wife gets worry as her granny is very old and cant work anymore, then finally the husband let her work as part time only but he wants to take her pay as he said he need to track how much she make or where she spent her income but in the first place she is not on his bank account or any other property as he dont want her to have any acess for what he has and dont give her any dime as the husband said she dont need it."

Does it look like he wants to have a joint budget or like he wants to have his money and hers too and not let her in on anything? I think if it was actually a joint budget it'd actually be much easier for her. And he should'n've promised to help if he didn't intend to.

It really looks like emotional violence to me. He is turning her into a slave, which is especially easy since she is in a foreign country with no family in it. Like some other people said on this thread - looks like he was looking for a housekeeper (and a cheap one), not a wife.

[changeofheart 0]

How did she meet her American spouse?

You keep calling her a "girl", how old is she?

Do you think it's possible her family pushed her to find an American husband so she could work in America and support them?

It sounds like a terrible situation for her regardless and I agree that her husband sounds cruel and emotionally abusive. Which makes it sound a bit like a mail order bride deal, one she may not have been a knowing participant of.

[Ryan H 3,812]

***2 posts removed and 1 member thread banned for TOS violations.***

[Bless 1]

hello all... you guys dont have to argue over this, my friend dont come here in the US just to get a greencard and she's on her way back to her country already. dont care if she will not be able to enter US again and one thing she cares is that she loves her husband but she has to love herself before anybody. thank you all for the reply on my post..god bless

[Darnell 8,478]

live in nanny and toy? Wow.

Well, 'things' can be renegotiated, sometimes, and sometimes sucessfully.

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Wow, 7:10 p.m.

[velrich 50]

hope she is happy now. good luck to her!!

[Laser1 63]

It sounds like unspoken assumptions were broken. They really need to talk with each other, a lot, about those issues.