The stress of the Visa Journey

[CarolineM 0]

The first meeting is always a wonderful time, but sometimes people get stuck in the 'bloom' of love, and after some time has passed, they find maintaining that is very difficult to do. I had no doubts about my fiance after our first meeting, but I would have been incredibly nervous sending in the visa petition right after he went home. This is a HUGE commitment to make - not just marriage (which is big enough on its own!), but also the commitment of one of you completely moving country, coming here and not having a job right away, etc and so on. There's just so much that can happen, so much to consider for your future. The distance either makes you as a couple or breaks you -- it speeds up the process and the emotions (sometimes positively, sometimes negatively).

I'm not saying that you did something wrong, or that you two don't know how you feel about each other - but I am saying that the distance can really skew things, and when it does, it helps to really REALLY know the other person very well - and part of that knowing, unfortunately, requires face time.

This is a GREAT comment. i think the OP would do well to re-read this bit!!

[rebeccajo 14]

We've met only once and it was a beautiful time, we had so much fun and were so comfortable with each other. Everything we dealt with online just disappeared.........

I had no doubts about my fiance after our first meeting, but I would have been incredibly nervous sending in the visa petition right after he went home. This is a HUGE commitment to make......

Lord, Tracy and I think alike! I didn't have any doubts about my husband after we met the first time either. We didn't file till he arrived the second time for a lengthier visit of nine weeks(the first was 3 weeks). We might have filed in-between the visits if it hadn't been for 'technical difficulties', BUT...........

The whole purpose of the second long visit was for us to be sure, and especially for him to be sure he wanted to live in America. Had it not worked out, even though his petition was already in process and we would have been mutually devastated, I'm sure we would have had the maturity to admit it wasn't working and backed off the whole deal.

I'm sure there's a boatload of people here who would say that even 2 visits isn't enough. By and large they are probably right. For us, it seemed ok. We are older than many here - in our 40's. We felt like we knew ourselves well enough to make that big of a decision. It was still one hell of a gamble.

Like Tracy said, you probably just have issues to work through. But, do try to keep an open mind when he arrives in two weeks. Take off the rose-colored glasses and remember that he IS sacrificing monumentally to marry you. Also make sure this is a man you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with (I was married once before for 26 years - till death do us part really is one hell of a long time). Make sure, as much as anyone can, that it's a marriage you can commit to. There's too much at stake here for snap decisions and delusions of romance.

Hang in there!

[hockeygal 0]

I think all kinds of emotions are normal in this journey.

We've been together for 5 years, and almost a year of that has been doing this process. We were already fed up with the distance when we started, and then IMBRA delays made it worse. lots happening in his life, lots in mine.. Things were so tense between us by the time I got to the medical, that I actually wondered if it was worth spending the $275!

And this even though I have no doubts about our relationship. The visa journey can be stressful. The long distance can be stressful. I don't think there is a "normal" way to feel in this process. you just have to remember why you started it and stick with it!

The day I got the visa, the clouds disappeared. Our entire relationship has been rejuvinated again, because we can finally make some concrete plans. We're both giddy like when we first met. I don't even remember why I hated him at so many points in this journey anymore!

[Captain Ewok 1,891]

I usually stay out of these types of posts but I can say that if you can afford it, and if at all possible try to visit each other as much as you can. A relationship is an investment of love and the cost of visiting each other versus the "return" it will gain you in happiness can not be measured. If you can not afford the travel consider web cams. They are cheap and add a personal touch!

[TucsonBill 0]

As for myself and Pao, we seem to still be in the middle of our 'blooming' - things have been great! We've had a few frustrations with the process, but it has not affected the relationship between us. Neither of us is so young or naive that we honestly believe that we'll never have any problems, but thank God, we have not had any yet! Additionally, we did not start this process thinking it was going to be any peice of cake, but honesstly, thus far, our jouney has not been that bad.

Pao's major in college was English, so we can communicate very well and that's been a big plus of course. And, being so far apart from each other, communiate is about all we ever get to do. I think we know more about each other than many couples do who are already married!

We're both Christian, and I think that has helped. Pao converted from Buddhism when she was in college, and I think that will help a bit with the 'cultural' adjustment. I've already agreed to things like 'no shoes in the house' (which I kinda like), and she's agreed to try some 'real' Mexican food We're just going to try to blend the best of both cultures into our lifesyles and go from there.

She has a seven year old daughter with whom I've also managed to develop a good relationship, (she's never had a relationship with her natural father). I can only hope and pray this continues once she gets here and I have to say something like "NO" - hehe - to TV before homework or something like that. I also have a 14 year old daughter who has always wanted a little sister, and she's already demonstrated her ability to care for younger children; every one she babbysits for always wants her to come back. She has a natural way with children who are about Pao's daughters age.

So... I feel pretty dogon lucky and happy right now, and so does Pao. We've sort of come to the conclusion that ours was a 'match made in heaven'

Bill

Edited December 6, 2006 by TucsonBill

[Ban Hammer 13,349]

If you can not afford the travel consider web cams. They are cheap and add a personal touch!

they can add a personal touch in more ways than one

[jsnearline 2]

Our K1 process only took three months from the day I filed to when my wife arrived here... and it still was an eternity. I made a trip back to Manila while we were waiting for my wife's interview - we were going crazy missing each other so much.

I stressed about the K1 paperwork, but my wife took it mostly in stride. Good for her she can keep a cool head because she didn't get the interview notice in time and missed the interview. I freaked out about it and wrote an email to the embassy to explain the situation and beg for mercy. She was able to contact the embassy by phone and get the interview rescheduled for just five days later.

It was stressful for us figuring out how to pull off a Catholic wedding and the required marriage preparation class within the time limit of the visa. Then two weeks after we got married, my grandmother passed away. Talk about a "Welcome to the family" moment for my wife. With everything going on, we didn't get the AOS application into the mail until two weeks before the visa expired.

Thankfully my wife deals with stress better than me. She's the eldest in her family and is used to dealing with crises.

[MairzyDoats 0]

This just got much worse for me in that I may have a breakup on my hands due to this whole visa process. I'm heartbroken. I am so confused and hurt. I have no control over this process, have to wait and hope like all of you, and it's killing my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I usually stay out of these types of posts but I can say that if you can afford it, and if at all possible try to visit each other as much as you can. A relationship is an investment of love and the cost of visiting each other versus the "return" it will gain you in happiness can not be measured. If you can not afford the travel consider web cams. They are cheap and add a personal touch!

(Now what's your take on the crisis in Iraq? ) ...I kid, I kid. Nice to see you post every so often.

[Ladylethal 12]

During the IMBRA limbo Luis and I had plenty of arguements but our love is stronger than all this ####### and not once we thought we might not work out together with and we supported each other since one day was down and upset about the journey and he'd cheer me up or be mad at me for being so discouraged and then the next day it was my turn to show strenght in us to endure his bad mood over the whole process.

[SoL. 0]

My fiancé and I have been visiting each other twice a year since 2003. I visit him on the Netherlands in the summer and he visits me for the holidays. This Christmas he won't visit because of the K-1 process waiting So we still don't know the date for his next visit...

Trust me, this process can sometimes mentally drain you so don't feel bad, sometimes it's normal to have those feelings. LDRs are difficult, it's not easy to be apart from the one you love.

There had been days that I get soooo tired of the whole thing and just wanna scream, but remind myself that it's a temporary thing and that we just need to wait and be patient. We both get cranky sometimes with each other too because of being apart, the hour difference (7) which makes it more difficult and the routine.

Hang in there! And please remember, it's just a temporary inconvenience so you two can be together without time limitations in the future!

Wishing you the best of luck in your journey,

edi :energetic:

[LuzyC 0]

I usually stay out of these types of posts but I can say that if you can afford it, and if at all possible try to visit each other as much as you can. A relationship is an investment of love and the cost of visiting each other versus the "return" it will gain you in happiness can not be measured. If you can not afford the travel consider web cams. They are cheap and add a personal touch!

Well said Captain..

Yes its cheap in a magical way! its keeps Gary and I going on and on..till the time comes for us to be together again!!

[CarolineM 0]

Sorry to hear about the breakup But if you're looking for a bright side....if ya'll can't make it through immigration, how would you have made it through the tough "Together" issues that can arise? At least you found out now instead of having to go through a divorce.

Maybe, for now, ya'll can focus on visits, and getting to know eachother better...and then re-evaluate this process! It's certainly not easy!

[JaJo 1]

This just got much worse for me in that I may have a breakup on my hands due to this whole visa process. I'm heartbroken. I am so confused and hurt. I have no control over this process, have to wait and hope like all of you, and it's killing my relationship. I don't know what to do anymore.

There were a lot of times when we thought about stopping this process. I'd get worried that he was getting hurt by all of this and wanted to call it off, he did the same.

We talk every day about anything and everything, discuss the process, the next steps, what each of us have to do, politics, what is going on on VJ...and we go window shopping online. Sounds silly but has helped us to get our minds out of the pain of being apart.

my thoughts for you is to talk and listen, tell him how you feel, and let him tell you how he feels. If you feel like the talking is about to turn into an argument, stop and go do something else - find funny websites to browse together, read interesting thing to each other, talk about your day, his day...Only go back to the argument when both of you feel you can talk about it without it becoming a fight.

You can alway put the K1 process on hold, work through your issues and then pick it up. Don't let the process go on without working out your problems and hope things will just work themselves out when you two get together.

All the best.

[Joey559 1]

Have you only met your fiance once? That is quite a stressful thing if so.

Best of luck.

I umm have to agree with Devilette on this question. You said 'when we're together it's perfect'. But you've only been together ONCE for just two weeks. Two weeks is easy to get perfect. A lifetime isn't. I'm not saying you should stop the process but is there anyway you guys could get a few visits under you belts before he up and gives up his whole life in the UK? It's not an easy thing to do. At all. And if his only familiar life line here is someone he's only spent two weeks it could be even harder and the relationship could suffer for it.

Any chance you could spend some time in the UK? I have a friend who ended up moving over there because they realized they liked it over there better once they had each experienced the other's culture.

I wish you all the best.

X Joey

Edited December 7, 2006 by Joey559