The stress of the Visa Journey

[MairzyDoats 0]

I didn't see a thread for this and looked all around the boards so forgive me if I missed it.

My fiance and I have been having a hard time dealing with being apart, and on top of that is the stress of the Visa journey. We have been arguing more, and the time we spend online together (chats, webcam, etc.) is less fulfilling. Our cultural differences seem magnified at times, too.

Are you going through this with your fiance(e)? How do you deal with it? Have you worked out any schedule of "seeing" each other online or calling? Do you get upset when your fiance(e) doesn't or can't stick to that schedule?

I'm wondering if I have too many expectations, like wanting him to be online every day (when really what can you do just sitting there talking to a cam for hours on end?)

When we're together, things are lovely. We get to go out and experience life like any other "normal" couple. This being apart for months and months is getting to us, and it's heartbreaking. I don't want the process to affect us like this.

Is there anything we can do? He is coming here in 2 weeks and is feeling a tremendous worry over whether or not they will allow him into the country. He risks so much for me, he's giving up his whole "former" life in his country for me, and though I try to be appreciative and show him that I am, it falls short sometimes. How can I be more supportive of him during this trying time? I feel helpless.

If you're dealing with this, please share with me. I need to know we're not the only ones. Our future is in the hands of some visa and customs officials, and we're both uneasy and can't feel at peace until this whole process is done.

[MaryandMian 1]

This process is very frustrating and will get to you if you do not try and stop some of the stressors. My husband was in Pakistan and I was in the USA. We could not travel so easily to see each other but we made this arrangement and it worked for us.

1. We chatted daily for one hour and only time we did not was when the phones were down from the Earthquake in Pakistan or my son was having one of his surgeries.

2. We called each other and took turns. I always called him to wake him up and wish him good morning and he would call me to tell me goodnight every night unless the phone lines were an issue. Calls were only like 5 mins each time. Then on Fridays we talked for 30 minutes or more.

3. Do not discuss the visa processing all the time. It brings on the stresses of when will we see the end of our journey. And in our case we had 5 months of AP to deal with from the date of interview. Keep your conversation light, joking and pleasant. Then discuss the visa occassionally.

4. Do not make plans for set dates that can come and pass you by. This will lead to arguments and disagreements.

Web cams, emails, sms texts, cards we did them all. Good luck and stay positive.

[TracyTN 237]

The distance is never easy. But I've never found us arguing with each other about things that we can't control (like whether or not you're available to be online together, the process, etc). We've known each other nearly 3 years now, so we've sort of fit into a routine and are used to finding ways to cope. We've also been lucky to have 6 visits under our belt as well, so we know how the other person deals with stress (or doesn't deal, as the case may be sometimes!) and what to do to offset that.

Long distance relationships are NOT easy and not for everyone. Don't beat yourself up if you're struggling with it.

[no name 1]

Have you only met your fiance once? That is quite a stressful thing if so.

Best of luck.

[Thingee 0]

My fiancee and I speak daily for the most part. I say for the most part because there are exceptions. He spends weekends away from home fairly frequently visiting family or friends, and calling me from his cell/mobile is a good bit more expensive. For my part, I have several small children and there will occasionally be activities for them that eliminate the possibility of having our daily chat what with the time difference.

IMO, if these things are bothering you, a long talk with your fiancee is in order. Communication is key, in these sort of relationships more than most. We don't have body language to read, or tone of voice to go by 100% of the time. You both need to feel comfortable saying things. Not implying, hinting or hoping that your partner will read your mind. I don't mean to sound condescending, I'm speaking from the school of been there, done that.

[JanaknJanet 0]

Are you going through this with your fiance(e)? How do you deal with it? Have you worked out any schedule of "seeing" each other online or calling? Do you get upset when your fiance(e) doesn't or can't stick to that schedule?

I'm wondering if I have too many expectations, like wanting him to be online every day (when really what can you do just sitting there talking to a cam for hours on end?)

Hang in there...

As far as your questions..

Are you going through this....

YES.... YESS.. and... YES

Jan is stilll awaiting his X's papers... he has documents stating he is divorced... but somehow something has happend and he needs another copy of the COURT paper.. and thus he is awaiting on her... . long story ... .. so.. since he cannot get this paper.. as fast as we wish.. the K-1 is on hold... thus.. when is he going to be available for K-1 .. I cry many times wondering if we will have the chance.. but have faith in the two of us. and know each of our wishes.. and will wait.

Currently .. the biggest .. is.. our communication.. and family .. and jobs.. kinda putting a kink on how or where we can communicate.. plus the fact that it is 13.5 hrs difference between the two of us.

Dont ever feel you have too many expectations of wishing to be with your honey daily... isnt that what a relationship is.?

Sometimes.. Jan is too frustrated and is upset to comeonline for fear of my disapointment onceagain..I try to remind him that .. right now.. no matter what the answer is.. as far as our communication.. wether it is online or phone .. or sms.. this is all we have .. so.. even if it is a simple .. quick smile from the cam. or a little good night whisper.. it is still all we have to grasp onto... and that will never be reason for too much expectations..

I get extremely frustrated with Jan.. and recently more than I have ever... I tell him.. that i am disapointed.. and .. he can hear it in my voice as well.. then .. I have my day.. or sleep which ever it is.. and .. start fresh... I try to remember that no matter how bad it is.. it will be worse if i didnt have him in my life... so.. i just remind myself for the gift i do have... and that is what ever time i have with my love.. be it 1 minute or 120 min.. sms or phone.. and .. each day is just that.. another day.. and hope.. that that day is just another that will be bringing us closer to each other.. especially in this whole crazy situation

Remember that if you are feeling the stress... 9x's/10.. your other half is feeling it as well.. and.. what can it get you.. nothing but .. more frustrations...

Keep faith that your honey will be with you for the holiday.. .. hold him tight when you are together... .. remind yourself of all the things that you love about each other... cherish it.. .. time will pass and the day will be there sooner than you think with you both being together........

cheer..

[MairzyDoats 0]

My fiancee and I speak daily for the most part. I say for the most part because there are exceptions. He spends weekends away from home fairly frequently visiting family or friends, and calling me from his cell/mobile is a good bit more expensive. For my part, I have several small children and there will occasionally be activities for them that eliminate the possibility of having our daily chat what with the time difference.

IMO, if these things are bothering you, a long talk with your fiancee is in order. Communication is key, in these sort of relationships more than most. We don't have body language to read, or tone of voice to go by 100% of the time. You both need to feel comfortable saying things. Not implying, hinting or hoping that your partner will read your mind. I don't mean to sound condescending, I'm speaking from the school of been there, done that.

I wondered if talking every day was too much? I guess at times it's too much for anyone, but being with someone there's less stress because he could be in one room and me in another and there's no feeling like we HAVE TO talk. But being apart all day I start to just want to be in touch with him so it's intensified by the distance.

We've met only once and it was a beautiful time, we had so much fun and were so comfortable with each other. Everything we dealt with online just disappeared and we could relax. But now we're in the midst of stress again, and I think it may get worse next year when we get the NOA2 and then the interview etc. There's so much to think about and achieve and you can't even be together for a HUG!

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I remember going through almost everything you have described. We got to the point we made sure to try to plan other things rather than sitting on a pc being with one another. After making that change we did much better because one wasn't expecting the other at a certain time etc. With the time difference I found myself feeling like I was missing out on living a daily life. I would come home from work spend a couple of hours online with him and when finished would realize it was to late to get anything else done. It was emotionally draining.

Just know it will end eventually and life will be normal. All of the things we went through during our journey are now easily forgotten. Just be sure to communicate to one another what you need personally as well as a couple. Try to lead as much of a normal life as you can, your SO is still going to be there for you no matter what.

Bethanie

[TracyTN 237]

My fiancee and I speak daily for the most part. I say for the most part because there are exceptions. He spends weekends away from home fairly frequently visiting family or friends, and calling me from his cell/mobile is a good bit more expensive. For my part, I have several small children and there will occasionally be activities for them that eliminate the possibility of having our daily chat what with the time difference.

IMO, if these things are bothering you, a long talk with your fiancee is in order. Communication is key, in these sort of relationships more than most. We don't have body language to read, or tone of voice to go by 100% of the time. You both need to feel comfortable saying things. Not implying, hinting or hoping that your partner will read your mind. I don't mean to sound condescending, I'm speaking from the school of been there, done that.

I wondered if talking every day was too much? I guess at times it's too much for anyone, but being with someone there's less stress because he could be in one room and me in another and there's no feeling like we HAVE TO talk. But being apart all day I start to just want to be in touch with him so it's intensified by the distance.

We've met only once and it was a beautiful time, we had so much fun and were so comfortable with each other. Everything we dealt with online just disappeared and we could relax. But now we're in the midst of stress again, and I think it may get worse next year when we get the NOA2 and then the interview etc. There's so much to think about and achieve and you can't even be together for a HUG!

My fiance and I talk every day - unless he ends up working late, or if one of us is ill, etc. So I don't think that's 'too much' - but every couple is different. You have to find your own rhythm and figure out what works for you, esp. considering the time difference, work schedules, etc.

The first meeting is always a wonderful time, but sometimes people get stuck in the 'bloom' of love, and after some time has passed, they find maintaining that is very difficult to do. I had no doubts about my fiance after our first meeting, but I would have been incredibly nervous sending in the visa petition right after he went home. This is a HUGE commitment to make - not just marriage (which is big enough on its own!), but also the commitment of one of you completely moving country, coming here and not having a job right away, etc and so on. There's just so much that can happen, so much to consider for your future. The distance either makes you as a couple or breaks you -- it speeds up the process and the emotions (sometimes positively, sometimes negatively).

I'm not saying that you did something wrong, or that you two don't know how you feel about each other - but I am saying that the distance can really skew things, and when it does, it helps to really REALLY know the other person very well - and part of that knowing, unfortunately, requires face time.

Try your best to communicate with him. The whole idea of leaving his home behind has to be incredibly daunting. Maybe he never really THOUGHT about it (beyond it being a concept) until those papers were filed, and once they were, he thought 'oh my gosh.' Stranger things have happened! That doesn't mean you can't work through it, but it does mean that there still may be a lot to talk about.

Edited December 6, 2006 by TracyTN

[ya falaha! 0]

I feel you

Same thing with us...when we're together it's good times all the way. When we're apart we tend to argue about the stupidest #######. It's just stress. Lately we've been doing super but who knows what tomorrow or next day will bring.

I hope your journey is smooth and speedy

I didn't see a thread for this and looked all around the boards so forgive me if I missed it.

My fiance and I have been having a hard time dealing with being apart, and on top of that is the stress of the Visa journey. We have been arguing more, and the time we spend online together (chats, webcam, etc.) is less fulfilling. Our cultural differences seem magnified at times, too.

Are you going through this with your fiance(e)? How do you deal with it? Have you worked out any schedule of "seeing" each other online or calling? Do you get upset when your fiance(e) doesn't or can't stick to that schedule?

I'm wondering if I have too many expectations, like wanting him to be online every day (when really what can you do just sitting there talking to a cam for hours on end?)

When we're together, things are lovely. We get to go out and experience life like any other "normal" couple. This being apart for months and months is getting to us, and it's heartbreaking. I don't want the process to affect us like this.

Is there anything we can do? He is coming here in 2 weeks and is feeling a tremendous worry over whether or not they will allow him into the country. He risks so much for me, he's giving up his whole "former" life in his country for me, and though I try to be appreciative and show him that I am, it falls short sometimes. How can I be more supportive of him during this trying time? I feel helpless.

If you're dealing with this, please share with me. I need to know we're not the only ones. Our future is in the hands of some visa and customs officials, and we're both uneasy and can't feel at peace until this whole process is done.

[almaty 19]

it did at one time, when sanita got a 221g.....outside of that, no

[MissStacey 1]

It is tough. I'm glad my parents have unlimited long distance. I get really sad talking to my Husband. His life is going along just fine, still lots of friends and family coming over,etc. His house is Party Central. I am comfortable here in Canada, I still need to find work. I just want to find a casual job that I can easily quit down the road. Most of my clothes are in the US, Mel will have to send them to me. I gave up my car and everything to go the US. Thank god for my parents!

[Sofiyya 1,687]

My husband and I have been doing the internet thing for almost 6 years. That's more than most and it does wear on us alot. We've been though it all. You do have to think outside of the box when you're in a long distance relationship or, no matter how much you love each other, it can get old.

Edited December 6, 2006 by szsz

[JelloShotGirl 0]

I feel ur pain and frustration! The last time I saw my honee was in May 2006. I will not see him until before his interview which is prob. Feb or March 2007, looking at the timelines. I read somewhere in Visa Journey that you should use this time to prepare and "work on yourself." Like get an extra job for the time being (you will need the money when your fiancee gets here) Me, I registered in school to change my career(that's a little drastic, but hey! ) We talk everyday on yahoo messenger, send eachother stuff in the mail, letters, email, webcam. What will be will be and the time will come when you will be together forever! Yeah i miss my honee all the time, but that is our destiny! DOn't worry you will be together! oh yeah, what is your input on the cultural differences? SOmetimes we have a lot of them too!

[Fandango 1,439]

I didn't see a thread for this and looked all around the boards so forgive me if I missed it.

My fiance and I have been having a hard time dealing with being apart, and on top of that is the stress of the Visa journey. We have been arguing more, and the time we spend online together (chats, webcam, etc.) is less fulfilling. Our cultural differences seem magnified at times, too.

Are you going through this with your fiance(e)? How do you deal with it? Have you worked out any schedule of "seeing" each other online or calling? Do you get upset when your fiance(e) doesn't or can't stick to that schedule?

I'm wondering if I have too many expectations, like wanting him to be online every day (when really what can you do just sitting there talking to a cam for hours on end?)

When we're together, things are lovely. We get to go out and experience life like any other "normal" couple. This being apart for months and months is getting to us, and it's heartbreaking. I don't want the process to affect us like this.

Is there anything we can do? He is coming here in 2 weeks and is feeling a tremendous worry over whether or not they will allow him into the country. He risks so much for me, he's giving up his whole "former" life in his country for me, and though I try to be appreciative and show him that I am, it falls short sometimes. How can I be more supportive of him during this trying time? I feel helpless.

If you're dealing with this, please share with me. I need to know we're not the only ones. Our future is in the hands of some visa and customs officials, and we're both uneasy and can't feel at peace until this whole process is done.

re: your questions I highlighted in purple, you answered it where I highlighted in red!

Good luck!

Edited December 6, 2006 by LisaD