Is it time to go home???

[dwinge 34]

Best wishes to you!!

[Cuda 0]

Xao Ke is your brother-in-law! Just joined and has no details in profile. So just forget that one exists. I signed up for the site just so I could tell you that.

Me: USC that grew up in Wisconsin and joined the US Army at 17 to get away from all the people that have yet to leave the state. Best of luck in all you do! ! ! Lots of good advice given, take what works for you.

[Akwunomy 4]

My heart goes to you. I have similar problem in term of finding job and making friends here. I thought like i was going crazy without any job and the attitude and pride of people living here is another thing i have to contend with. I came from a former British colony and each time i speaks i was treated as if i am from an outer space with all these accent stuffs and cultural indifference. I am really positive that was one reason why i am alive today. The thought of going back home were i was loved and have friends that cherished me kept dwelling on my mind. But all the same, i used to have a retrospective look on my situation and normally tried not to make decision based on my overwhelmed emotion.

What i did is tried making friends with people like me-immigrants-and doing so doesn't mean that you are relegating yourself to the background but it will give you an opportunity to feel cherished and respected which is important because the companionship of your husband is not going to be enough to make you have a sense of community. Again, since i have looked everywhere, and in all types of jobs to find something doing that can take me out of the house i succeeded in finding none and i choose to create one for myself. I registered a business name and buy women clothing and sell them in Africa. Though i started with small money to taste the venture but i realized that it is something that if given time will prosper and give me a self employed status. I agreed with you that education here is costly and immersing yourself in debt just to get yourself college degree here might not be a good idea because you already have a skill only that the accounting system in your country is different with what is obtainable here...but have you tried community college and see if there are course that may help you and keep you busy why you figure out what to do. It is exactly what i did. I went to my community college and was enrolled in business administration. I was able to make friends from Lebanon, Syria, Trinidad and Tobago and other countries and such friendship is really unique.

So my contribution or stance is if i am in your situation which i think i am, because i am going to remove condition this September, I will go ahead and remove condition so that even if you have to go you know you have the opportunity to come back if you decide to do so.

Finally, your story is touching and i really feel your pain. Since you are in the Financial field. I will make a proposal to you. I will train you if you are interested in Financial trading. You may trade stock, oil, E-mini S&P 500, Currency, option or future. I will mentor you by introducing you into this business. Teach you money management approach and how to understand market cycle and introduce you to nice colleagues in this community in the USA who you learn from. I charge real hard for this but if you are willing to learn i will take nothing from you. Just a courtesy from me to you.

Take care and email me at akwunomy24@yahoo.com

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

Xao Ke is your brother-in-law! Just joined and has no details in profile. So just forget that one exists. I signed up for the site just so I could tell you that.

Me: USC that grew up in Wisconsin and joined the US Army at 17 to get away from all the people that have yet to leave the state. Best of luck in all you do! ! ! Lots of good advice given, take what works for you.

Even if this is true, isn't this a violation of the TOS that asks not to identify members?

[sarah9 14]

Even if this is true, isn't this a violation of the TOS that asks not to identify members?

Gowon, I'm pretty sure this person was joking! If this really was my brother in law the post would have been vile and abusive, not just critical. The person was merely trying to make me feel better after someone upset me, and I thank them for that!

Besides, you don't know who i am, I've never posted any personal details.... So even if it were my brother in law.... All that would reveal is that he was the brother in law of some girl from Detroit who was called sarah..... He hasn't revealed anyone's identity?

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Grow up is being responsible for one's self. That is as in having a job and NOT reliable on someone else on income (except the other party is the hubby or wife on agreement that one is staying home taking care of kids, etc).

You CHOSE to take your bro-in-law's $$$$ to pay off your debt (your hubby's is still yours, according to Dave Ramsay). So who needs to grow up?

When you have a job outside your home, you'll spend less time in there. You'll meet other ppl, who will "magically" relieve your daily stress (social interaction is critical to your mental health).

But no. You choose to continue to be the "Queen" of the house. So be it. Enjoy your "quality" time with your bro-in-law.

Knock, knock. Someone's too dense in there!

Before you criticize OP, you should walk a mile in her shoes, to fully understand what she is going through.

You should go develop some empathy instead.

[Ontarkie 14,280]

~~~~Several Post Removed with ones quoting said posts for antagonizing OP - Member also thread banned~~~~

[Pat80 12]

Sorry to hear about your story...I also plan to move there and don't know my future. I'm in the financial areas in my home country with the very good job and good pay. I understand how you feel.

Nothing to say but would like you to be strong and hope you find the way out with the best decision. I believe that among the bad things around you, there must be the good things that make you smile. When your life is falling to the bottom, that means nothing worst than this and it's picking up.

There will always be a rainbow after the rain

[CaroSL 68]

I was an accountant in the UK, unfortunately we don't have the money for me to go back to school over here, and my degree isn't what they want here. I've tried applying for the lowest level finance jobs, that don't even require a degree, and I never even get an interview. In 2 years, I had one interview, for a receptionist at a car dealership.... Needless to say I didn't get it! I've tried banks, and some stores... But I will be honest, I have limits, and have not gone down the route of McDonald's or Walmart.

I know there are many that will criticize me for not being willing to do that, but I will not apologize for not being willing to do that after working so hard for 10 years to get where I was. My very first job at 18 paid more than than the receptionist job paid. I would get no satisfaction from a job at Walmart, I mean no offense to anyone who is willing to take those steps, but I just won't do it. I know if I went home tomorrow, I would have a temping job within a week. I am not making myself out to be something special, but in my field I have worked hard and have references that money couldn't buy. It's hard to accept that I have had companies create a job vacancy for me at home, and here I can't get a job at Macy's!

I'm sure some of you can understand its hard being a "somebody" to wondering if anyone (other than my husband) would even notice if you got run over on the freeway!

Hello Sarah,

I am sorry to hear about your story. But I am pretty sure you can make significant changes, without going back to the UK. Going back to the UK would probably be easier for you. But it puts your marriage at risk. Staying here and fixing things is gonna be tougher, but probably less risky for your marriage... This is something that only you can decide. Nobody can tell you that.

Now, I think your biggest problem is that you don't have a job. If you were a successful, independent professional, and you are know stuck at home... It is like you are missing a part of who you are. You can't be happy like this.

I would concentrate on fixing this problem first. Specially because it just depends on you, not on your husband, not on the mortgage, not on your awful brother in law, or not really helping mother in law. (but if you can evict this awful Brother in Law of yours at the same time... that's even better)

You seem to have a great network in the UK... Did you try to build one here? Did you meet people, go to networking events, ask for advice, sent a ton of e-mails to people in your field to ask them for advice? Maybe there is something wrong in your resume (took me forever to re-do mine so people here would be happy with it...). If people agree to give you advice on this, this is a big first step. Don't be afraid to contact people in high positions... The worst that can happen is that they don't answer.

Have you contacted them: http://www.babcmichigan.org/babc-board-members/ Ask them for advice, ask them a list of British companies in the area. Professional advice from the british community that live and work in Detroit will probably be the best you can get.

I am not sure what you did to look for a job, but just sending your resume and applying online is probably not gonna work. Agencies are a good idea, but if you can get the name of a recruiter and call that specific recruiter rather than just contacting the agency, you will have better chances. (And if you meet people, I guaranty you that some of them will personally know recruiters.)

I know you probably tried a lot of things already, but I hope something in all that will be helpful. It is definitely difficult, but I don't think it is impossible for you to find a job where you are.

I wish you the best!

[MrsParker 13]

When it comes to making friends who are open minded it really depends on where you live in the US, I guess and this is solely on my experience. I lived in a small town in NC for a while and it was very hard as a foreigner to adjust there because people will always point out that you have an accent or you look different or you need to "go home". It was a beautiful town but just not for me. I went through depression , and contemplated moving back to my home country to the point I started looking for jobs there and anywhere. But finally when I left that place and moved to Atlanta, life became a lot easier. Different parts of US have different attitudes. My brother never faced the problem I did living in California and for a while in the North East. Maybe think about moving to a bigger city where your qualifications will be of more use to people? And yes neighborhood matters. By just moving to a more diverse neighborhood my quality of life rose significantly. I have great friends now, I meet wonderful people everyday, got introduced to great culture and eventually met my husband. Maybe you can see if your husband would want to move too? To someplace where both your quality of life will improve?

I agree it does depend on where you live and what show you. I live at in washington, dc so its very diverse. Its good to know locations in your area that reminds you of home too. Always a plus

[Morningmist 76]

There is www.meetup.com too. That site however depends on what town you are in. Volunteering is also a good way to meet people. I've met people volunteering with Habitat for Humanity, Open Hand, some medical supply place that sends unused medical kits to Africa.

Also if you live in Detroit, then you definitely need to move out of there. I have a USC friend who lives in Detroit and for years he has told me how depressed he was because there were no jobs there and with A LOT of encouragement from me and some of his friends he left that place, moved to west coast and now he is happy. You just live in a sh*tty city right now. There are jobs at other places.

[rlogan 2,036]

Just to clarify for some of the people, my husband is a good man, he does everything he can for me. He is fully supportive of me, when it comes to dealing with his abusive brother, and as some of you have pointed out..... It is not as easy as kicking him out! If he had known how difficult this was going to be, I'm sure he would not have opened his doors. I guess you dont imagine a family member moving in on a temporary basis, and then not leaving.

You are not a good judge of character and you have too little self-respect.

The husband lied about the debt before you came here. You had one set of expectations based upon what he said, and what happened instead was that he gave you debt and his brother. You are still under that shadow.

Your husband has a criminal record apparently, which I don't in isolation make any big deal of, but in conjunction with his behavior towards you and acceptance of the brother tells me that he just has all the marks of antisocial conduct. Not that he is some evil villian, no - but we have to open our eyes here. He knew his brother before he moved in. Nobody knows you better than your own brother. So you are being naiive about not knowing what his brother was like.

You have the classic signs of an abused woman yourself, which is to rationalize your husbands behavior and overlook repeated abuses. The tearing up of the bathroom - you said it was the last straw but he's still living there. The last straw isn't the last straw for abuse victims.

The dogs - I totally sympathize. I've had them all my life. Dogs are better than people in so many ways. Unconditional love, and they would never slight you. So you had that refuge from everything else around you, and in losing it you don't get empathy from the others. Your husband's bizarre coincidental sickness, a mirror of the dog's - I couldn't write a novel that unbelievable in terms of a potentially psychosematic, manipulative stunt. I am not saying that it was. But the effect it had was to eliminate the competition. So it is irrelevant about whether it was psychosematic or not. The fact is, you lost a dear friend, your refuge. Increasing the dependency on the husband.

Not being able to find friends - isn't that such a strange coincidence too? Once you've lived with a manipulator, you come to understand how all these coincidences pile up - almost as if by design. A manipulator cuts you off from others. Isolate and dominate. He doesn't want you talking to people, which he calls "behind my back". Translation: "I am not controlling the dialogue, and I do not want you two comparing notes because each of you has a different story".

You had friends at home, right? You are not hard to make friends with. One thing that can really hamper that is being with someone who doesn't want you to have friends. They are talented saboteurs. Guerilla war fighters. But they can be the most charming person in the room, they can lay down the false flattery better than anyone. "You are the most important thing in my life, I would die for you, I respect you more than anyone on earth..." Except for his brother, the bum, who calls you stupid, makes you pee in another house, and is almost living in your own bed.

The job situation and economic environment. Another coincidence. How can all these things go wrong at once? You indicate there are more bad things that have happened, too many to tell. Coincidences.

When you marry the right person, the coincidences go the other way. It always starts off with the things they say being true. The husband will have said that he lied to you because he loved you so much he was afraid he was going to lose you if he told the truth, right? But it's really the opposite. You have to be a cruel person to manipulate someone else into marrying you, knowing full well they will find out after it is too late and they'll feel horrible.

You have to target the right person to get away with that. They need to be naiive to the point of gullibility, too trusting, a very conscientious person. Dog lovers are like that, because dogs are like the people who pick them. Right down to the breed and temperment. So anyway, an immigrant is kind of an ideal candidate for not knowing anything about you. Someone distant, anyway. So you can shape the story to them. It is coincidental how they seem to be just the right person for you. They call that mirroring, something borderline personality disorders are spcecialists at, but a lot of the other subtypes also know how to do.

People like you and me go around with targets on our back. We are easy to spot. Manipulative people are always on the hunt for people like us because they can use us to their own ends. The sex can be great with them because they can be the most hedonistic people around. But they can also use sex as a weapon, and be cold as ice. It depends on who they are manipulating and what works on them.

Your radar is broken. You've had gut instincts about this guy. Red flags that you explained away. The debt and brother. That would have been an instant dealbreaker for a lot of people, but I am talking about way before that. Some things thad didn't add up. You didn't get the whole story. Or any of it. You will have gone through what they call the "evaluation phase". This is where the manipulator tries out things on you to see what your reaction is. He might say that he is kidding if he sees alarm bells are going off. But what he is doing is seeing how you respond to different manipulative plays, and when he finds the things that work he just keeps using them in various iterations.

If you feel like a weight has been lifted off you when you head home - that's what everyone says when they leave their manipulator. So go home. See how that feels. You are isolated and without a support network here, and there is nothing wrong with going home to see how you feel when you are surrounded by positive forces instead of all these negatives. Google up some information on manipulative people. Personality disorders. Character disorders. My favorite is "In Sheep's Clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People".

[sarah9 14]

I had to reply to this absolute nonsense.

if you ever had the nerve to say any of this to my face you would be seeking help from a doctor.

I most certainly am not showing any signs of an abused woman. and I am sat here laughing at the absolute rubbish you have written.

its funny how 30 people offer great advice, then one fool comes along trying to convince me im abused. I have no problems with my marriage, I am a great judge of character.... and can easily tell that you are an internet wacko who doesn't get out much.

my husband is not a criminal. nor has he ever been, he made a mistake once upon a time, and he has never spent a day in prison.

I was upset at the trauma I had been through. and to suggest my husband had a seizure for attention is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. you really are a nasty piece of work.

I wrote a few lines on a website to vent some frustrations, and you think that makes you an expert on who I am?

I truly wish you knew me, coz then you would see just how funny your response is.

I've been a member of this forum for years, and I can assure you there are many people on here that are in abusive situations. i'm sure they would appreciate your advice! Although I have to point out that you haven't actually offered any advice, and if i were some poor abused wife - your reply looks an awful lot to me like a way of manipulating someone who is already low.

Me on the other hand, I have a happy marriage, that has had some surprises, but we are both happy together. We live in a city, and I have an awful person living here. But while the brother is abusive towards me - i am not abused. I am not weak, i may have appeared that way to his brother at first..... but he now thinks very differently - he can try his best to annoy me. good luck to him, because he is the loser who will find himself homeless and alone in a few months when we sell the house.

Thanks for making me laugh, I'll remember this for a long time

You are not a good judge of character and you have too little self-respect.

The husband lied about the debt before you came here. You had one set of expectations based upon what he said, and what happened instead was that he gave you debt and his brother. You are still under that shadow.

Your husband has a criminal record apparently, which I don't in isolation make any big deal of, but in conjunction with his behavior towards you and acceptance of the brother tells me that he just has all the marks of antisocial conduct. Not that he is some evil villian, no - but we have to open our eyes here. He knew his brother before he moved in. Nobody knows you better than your own brother. So you are being naiive about not knowing what his brother was like.

You have the classic signs of an abused woman yourself, which is to rationalize your husbands behavior and overlook repeated abuses. The tearing up of the bathroom - you said it was the last straw but he's still living there. The last straw isn't the last straw for abuse victims.

The dogs - I totally sympathize. I've had them all my life. Dogs are better than people in so many ways. Unconditional love, and they would never slight you. So you had that refuge from everything else around you, and in losing it you don't get empathy from the others. Your husband's bizarre coincidental sickness, a mirror of the dog's - I couldn't write a novel that unbelievable in terms of a potentially psychosematic, manipulative stunt. I am not saying that it was. But the effect it had was to eliminate the competition. So it is irrelevant about whether it was psychosematic or not. The fact is, you lost a dear friend, your refuge. Increasing the dependency on the husband.

Not being able to find friends - isn't that such a strange coincidence too? Once you've lived with a manipulator, you come to understand how all these coincidences pile up - almost as if by design. A manipulator cuts you off from others. Isolate and dominate. He doesn't want you talking to people, which he calls "behind my back". Translation: "I am not controlling the dialogue, and I do not want you two comparing notes because each of you has a different story".

You had friends at home, right? You are not hard to make friends with. One thing that can really hamper that is being with someone who doesn't want you to have friends. They are talented saboteurs. Guerilla war fighters. But they can be the most charming person in the room, they can lay down the false flattery better than anyone. "You are the most important thing in my life, I would die for you, I respect you more than anyone on earth..." Except for his brother, the bum, who calls you stupid, makes you pee in another house, and is almost living in your own bed.

The job situation and economic environment. Another coincidence. How can all these things go wrong at once? You indicate there are more bad things that have happened, too many to tell. Coincidences.

When you marry the right person, the coincidences go the other way. It always starts off with the things they say being true. The husband will have said that he lied to you because he loved you so much he was afraid he was going to lose you if he told the truth, right? But it's really the opposite. You have to be a cruel person to manipulate someone else into marrying you, knowing full well they will find out after it is too late and they'll feel horrible.

You have to target the right person to get away with that. They need to be naiive to the point of gullibility, too trusting, a very conscientious person. Dog lovers are like that, because dogs are like the people who pick them. Right down to the breed and temperment. So anyway, an immigrant is kind of an ideal candidate for not knowing anything about you. Someone distant, anyway. So you can shape the story to them. It is coincidental how they seem to be just the right person for you. They call that mirroring, something borderline personality disorders are spcecialists at, but a lot of the other subtypes also know how to do.

People like you and me go around with targets on our back. We are easy to spot. Manipulative people are always on the hunt for people like us because they can use us to their own ends. The sex can be great with them because they can be the most hedonistic people around. But they can also use sex as a weapon, and be cold as ice. It depends on who they are manipulating and what works on them.

Your radar is broken. You've had gut instincts about this guy. Red flags that you explained away. The debt and brother. That would have been an instant dealbreaker for a lot of people, but I am talking about way before that. Some things thad didn't add up. You didn't get the whole story. Or any of it. You will have gone through what they call the "evaluation phase". This is where the manipulator tries out things on you to see what your reaction is. He might say that he is kidding if he sees alarm bells are going off. But what he is doing is seeing how you respond to different manipulative plays, and when he finds the things that work he just keeps using them in various iterations.

If you feel like a weight has been lifted off you when you head home - that's what everyone says when they leave their manipulator. So go home. See how that feels. You are isolated and without a support network here, and there is nothing wrong with going home to see how you feel when you are surrounded by positive forces instead of all these negatives. Google up some information on manipulative people. Personality disorders. Character disorders. My favorite is "In Sheep's Clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People".

[kacie 0]

Have you thought about volunteering in order to meet new people, that's what I intend to do when I move to Michigan. Also I believe that Ann Arbour is more of a social city than Detroit, so might be worth looking into doing things there, although it is a bit of a distance away

[izzylove11 19]

Sarah9, how are you doing? I hope things are looking up for you. I understand how you feel about being isolated. Detroit is a hrd place to make friends. I lived overseas with my fiance for 4 years and I felt very alone most of the time. Some people there look at white people like they're from outer space. It was very hard to get used to. I was wondering if you might want to chat online with me from time to time. I love making new friends and I am sure I would enjoy getting to know you. Some of my very best friends are British and are truly the funniest people I know. If you are interested, just inbox me. I travel a lot, so there's a great chance that we could meet in person one day. I also know of a lot of job opportunities in my area, if you're interested. Keep your chin up. I know you can do this. I can tell you are a strong woman!!