Is it time to go home???

[markonline1 11]

I can't really give any advice here, your situation sounds pretty horrible. I agree with the others that say get the conditions removed on your green card though. You can still leave later. I also agree with moving to an area that's more wordly. I don't have any of the issues you describe with the natives out here in California. Although this sounds like it might not be possible. I don't blame you not going for a job in McDonalds. I went from earning 60k a year in the UK, I'm now earning 18 dollars an hour LOL. I do feel fairly lucky though with the way the job market is at the minute. Keep looking, maybe broaden your horizons a little with the job search, I'm sure something will come up. With regards to your dogs. Horrible situation, but you should be applauded for putting the dogs well being above yours in each of those 3 cases. Stories like this are horrible. I sincerely hope things turn round for you, I'm sure they will sooner rather than later

[JRF 117]

Best of luck to you - in my opinion the key issue here isn't immigration-related, it's your relationships. Only you can tell whether they are built on a foundation of trust. I would only suggest that you answer that question honestly, and if the answer is no you should return to the UK where you have a support network and a viable future financially.

Your happiness and future are more important than a visa or residency in the US.

[del-2-5-2014 1,339]

This was a very sad read for me.

There is more to life than this and you deserve to be happy.

I don't have an answer or guidance but will only ask that you seek to not loose your self and to find happiness.

Life is really too short.

Good luck.

[ricnally 258]

Oooohhhh, Detroit. I wouldn't live there, even if my USC husband were Brad Pitt. OP, I feel your pain.

[J & L 10]

I'm sorry to hear (better yet, read) about your situation.

If you think your relationship is worth it, maybe you should just talk to your husband about moving somewhere else -although it would mean more stress, as you'd be looking for a new place and spending money to move and all that. It just seems like the area where you are doesn't offer much and if you moved, you'd be away from your husband's brother as well. All in all it would be a win-win situation.

You're probably better off telling your husband how you feel about all of this, including the possibility of him moving overseas with you. It's not an easy decision to make but you seem to be a strong person and I hope what ever you'll decide to do will work out for you.

Best of luck to you.

[rascalcat 28]

Put your husband`s brothers belongings outside, and change the locks. Let him move in with his mother and see how that goes for her if she thinks he is so golden! He is an adult and has had plenty of time to sort his situation out. You are doing him a favor also, as he needs to take responsibility for himself and be an adult.

If that were me.. as soon as he ripped the bathroom out he would have been out the door! What kind of mother thinks that kind of behaviour is normal in the house of her other son and daughter in law. If he cant treat you with respect, then he should expect no respect from you. The same goes for the mother! As for your husband.. you need to talk to him because it might be his family, but he needs to stand up for himself and take control of his life. It shouldnt be put on you. You have already made plenty enough sacrifices. He needs to support you on the decision of making his brother leave. Your marriage is more importaint than his brother`s childish, selfish behaviour!

Edited August 23, 2013 by rascalcat

[ams2121 0]

I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right forum, but here we go!

So I moved to the US in June 2011, married in July. I came on a k1, got my conditional green card, and I'm now at the point I need to remove conditions before the end of October. But I'm not sure if I will, or if I should just call it a day.

I am from the UK, had a wonderful life there, a great job and a very healthy bank balance. Since I moved here, I have not had the same luck.

After getting married, I quickly discovered that life wasn't going to be what I expected. My husband had debt, which I knew nothing about. I was hurt at first, but over the 2 years I have taken over the finances and managed to repay everything. Having always been financially responsible I found the whole thing very stressful, and I did feel a bit resentful that my husband hid these issues from me. It is now in the past, but for the first 2 years of our marriage it was hardly a walk in the park, and it has left a pretty bad taste in my mouth!

Problem number 2, which has been the biggest obstacle for me is that my husbands brother was staying here, as a source of extra money. I believed this to be short term, I was wrong! My husband owns the house, his brother is just a "roommate", he has no claim to the house etc. For a long time I accepted that although I did not like living with him, the money allowed us to pay off my husbands debt. Then came the point where we went away at Christmas to visit my parents, and came home to find we didn't have a bathroom. He decided to rip out the old one, and we are now in August, he still hasn't finished the room.

This was the final straw for us, and we asked him to move out in April. I should probably point out that his brother has been awful to me from day one, doing everything he can to make me feel like an intruder in my own home, trying to turn everyone against me, and succeeding in some cases. He does not respect my husband, and treats the house like a cheap motel. So 4 months after we told him to leave, and he is still here. I haven't spoken a single word to him this year, and he has done the same to me. My husband occasionally speaks a few words to him when discussing things like him moving out.... But other than that it is like a war zone here, us against him, with no one speaking.

On top of that I haven't been able to find a job, have made no friends, and have absolutely no life here, besides my husband.

So here comes the biggest upset for me, which I know a lot of people will not understand, but I hope there are some that can! Before I moved here I had 2 pugs, who I loved more than life itself. When I moved, I made the heartbreaking decision to find new homes for them, because it didn't feel it was fair to put them through the stress of the flight, and also I worried about them adapting to the extreme climate changes. I found a wonderful home, where they could be together, be happy and healthy.

Fast forward to the point where I had secured our finances, and I find a great breeder and take home a beautiful pug pup. She fills my days with joy, I take her everywhere and we were inseparable. I finally felt like I had a home, and a purpose.... And a friend, even if it wasn't human! Unfortunately she had health issues, which ended with her having a seizure in the middle of the night. While this happened, my husband also collapsed and had what I believed at the time was a seizure.

Never have I felt so alone.

My husband had to go through MRI and EEG tests, and doctors visits which wiped out our savings. (We do have insurance, but with a very high deductible... As we have never needed treatment before). Thankfully my husband is ok, and they suspect he collapsed due to the stress, and because his brain wasn't getting enough oxygen his body looked like he was having a seizure.

I then find out that our pup needs to see a neurologist, which will cost more than my husbands treatment. I loved my little girl so much that I had to make sure she got the treatment she needed, even if that meant she couldn't stay with me. We found her a home who could afford her care. This was 2 weeks ago, and I have hardly slept, or eaten and I doubt I will ever forgive myself for giving up on 3 dogs in as many years.

In both situations I honestly believe I did what was best for them, but it most definitely was not what was best for me. I feel utterly depressed, and alone without my companions. Particularly with the last pup, as she really was the only thing keeping me going in a country where I feel like I don't "fit in"

Now I am on a time limit to decide if I want to stay, because I have to remove conditions on my green card.

I love my husband dearly, or this would not be a difficult decision to make. I feel like since moving here everything has just fallen apart, there are a million other things that have happened that I don't want to put here, but seriously anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong..... All since I moved here. It feels like we are cursed.

I'm not saying that life was perfect in the UK, I'm not naive, I know life is tough, and I always try to muddle my way through the tough times. But things have just been hell for both my husband and I.

If I go home, my intent would be to try to file for my husband to follow me.... But thanks to the changes in the uk's policies it is now going to be very difficult to get him there. The best case scenario would be a year or so apart, but because my husband doesn't have a squeaky clean past, it is possible that after all that he may be refused. So we have to accept that if I go, there is a realistic possibility that it will be the end of our marriage.

I do not need advice on how to integrate into life here, I've spent 2 years trying. I've done my best, but been through so much pain here that it's difficult to not associate it with being in a different country. I hate that rude people feel they have the right to question me on why I'm here, just because I speak with a British accent. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying its everyone, but I can pretty much guarantee that every time I open my mouth away from the house, some complete stranger wants to know what I'm doing here. It's probably the area we live in, not the greatest, and I bet half the people haven't ventured out of state, never mind out of country!

What I'm trying to say is that I love my husband, I want to be with him, but as much as I love visiting America, I do not feel like I can ever have a happy future living here. And I am also doubtful that he can follow me to the UK..... It feels like I'm in a no-win situation.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just opinions of others who have had a tough time and considered leaving after a few years. I know I need to make the decision myself, I just feel so alone that it would help to hear what others did.

Sarah I am sorry to hear you are so unhappy in the states, especially with all the work you and your husband have put in to get where you are now.

Living in a new country can be really tough, especially when you don't have many people around you for support. I can say this from experience as I am an American living in Ireland with my fiance for over the past three years. Making friends and getting use to a different culture is definitely hard, and depending on where you live can be extremely difficult. I have felt on many occasions living in Ireland that I gave up a lot of good things to move somewhere where the grass wasn't green at all. As an American, I think you and your husband should consider moving out of state from the unhealthy situations you are in now and you would probably see a huge improvement on your quality of life.

I know you said your husband has financial obligations to his house, along with the brother situation...Have you two considered renting out his house and renting another house in another state andd seeing how it goes? That would get his brother out of the house as there would be tenants moving in, and it could supplement the mortgage while you and your husband tried to have your own life in a better environment?

[Sharkano 13]

Of course all the advice we give here is uninformed, as we are not in your shoes, but some quick thoughts none of which may be helpful but worth a shot:

1. You and your husband need to reboot, alone and without the bro. This will not happen if you stay in your house. Consult an attorney about what would happen to you financially if you walked away from the mortgage. Many people have. Some states have antideficiency laws that allow you to leave a house with no liability (other than the house being foreclosed). If you can, dump it and start over again. It's time.

2. You sound like a great woman stuck in some bad parts. Much of the country would love your being from England. You and hubby should think of moving to a coast (west or east).

3. You clearly love your husband. He needs to wake up somehow. No suggestions on that.

Best to you!

[The Mean Lady 604]

If you don't have a contract with the brother then change the locks and be done with him.

Not true.

The brother in law is paying.

He's a legal tenant.

They will most likely need to either pay him to move, or pay to have him evicted.

[binky 0]

you might have more luck applying at start up companies - they're more happy to accept experience over paper. like try a web company that needs an accountant - you'll be building up your resume with "american" experience, and honestly I've never had a job where my lack of degree was a major hurdle as I have 7 years experience in my field (I'm a programmer) - so don't let the ads freak you out, go on interviews, show that you know your stuff and be confident. you'd be surprised how many times job ads have a lot of "nice to haves" in them listed as requirements.

I agree with everyone else who said kick golden boy out. nothing with change everyone's image of him if you keep suffering through. You didn't sign up for this and he isn't your problem, family or not. he sounds like a tumour. remove him!

I empathize with your michigan situation. when I was staying there on and off for a few years, the situation was pretty bleak all over, but detroit definitely has it the worst. I agree, find out if there's something you can do to unshackle yourself from the house and start over. There must be some kind of solution. Maybe you can contact city hall and see if there are any mortgage relief programs?

I think it would be great if you could find other VJers close by and have meet ups, feeling isolated is no good in your situation. you definitely need to commiserate with other foreign spouses.

I really hope things get better for you, and I think it's awesome that you have hung in this long despite the hardships you've had to endure

<3

[fantonledzepp 159]

Take care of yourself, go home.

I'll add also that I had a stroke back in December. My wife arrived in July of '12. It was very difficult for her, but she managed, but then again, she didn't have the extra negatives towards her like you have.

[fantonledzepp 159]

Before you forcibly evict the brother (ie. change locks, cutting off utilities, remove belongings in front yard), find out the law says. In New York State it is illegal to forcibly evict a tenant that has been living in the dwelling for over 30 days. Even if he is not paying rent. The landlord can be arrested for doing this. They deserve their due process through landlord and tenant court.

Find out the laws for Michigan.

[c12h22oh 11]

REAL LOVE CAN FIX ANYTHING.

[sarah9 14]

To everyone else who posted advice, I really can't thank you enough, I was overwhelmed this morning to see so many helpful replies.

I don't have time to thank everyone individually, but to the person who gave the Craigslist link - thank you so much. I haven't checked there for a long time, because it always seemed to be full of scammers! I have focused more on the sites like career builder etc, and ended up applying at all the big companies, probably where my résumé gets overlooked. The link you provided had one job in particular that was of great interest to me, and I will be applying today. You have reminded me that the smaller companies don't always advertise in the same way! So thank you

Just to clarify for some of the people, my husband is a good man, he does everything he can for me. He is fully supportive of me, when it comes to dealing with his abusive brother, and as some of you have pointed out..... It is not as easy as kicking him out! If he had known how difficult this was going to be, I'm sure he would not have opened his doors. I guess you dont imagine a family member moving in on a temporary basis, and then not leaving.

For those of you that ask why he doesn't move in with mommy..... Funny isn't it..... That he is such a great guy, but neither the mother or sister have offered him a place to stay! I think that deep down they know what he is doing, but choose to ignore it because its easier than dealing with the reality.

I have decided that I will file for removal of conditions, you have helped me see that I don't need to decide before I do that. Ok I may waste more money..... But in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.

Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me, that a miracle will happen and the brother from hell will move out! I know deep down that he has been the cause of most of my unhappiness. When you have something like that drilling away at you everyday it's easy for other things to seem worse.

Thank you everyone

[Morningmist 76]

When it comes to making friends who are open minded it really depends on where you live in the US, I guess and this is solely on my experience. I lived in a small town in NC for a while and it was very hard as a foreigner to adjust there because people will always point out that you have an accent or you look different or you need to "go home". It was a beautiful town but just not for me. I went through depression , and contemplated moving back to my home country to the point I started looking for jobs there and anywhere. But finally when I left that place and moved to Atlanta, life became a lot easier. Different parts of US have different attitudes. My brother never faced the problem I did living in California and for a while in the North East. Maybe think about moving to a bigger city where your qualifications will be of more use to people? And yes neighborhood matters. By just moving to a more diverse neighborhood my quality of life rose significantly. I have great friends now, I meet wonderful people everyday, got introduced to great culture and eventually met my husband. Maybe you can see if your husband would want to move too? To someplace where both your quality of life will improve?